What are you carrying?

And I don't mean diapers and Cheddar Rockets. I'm talking about your emotional baggage. 

I talked to a group of pregnant women and their partners on Tuesday morning at Women's Health Alliance in Durham about expectations and worries postpartum. Like the rest of us, most had done a really good job of taking care of the essentials before the baby arrives: getting the car seat installed, setting up a crib or co-sleeper, taking care of the responsibilities of work before we take our leave, etc. What was missing, for them, is preparation for the essentials that come after the baby arrives. Sure, we or friends have set up a meal "service" like Take Them A Meal but what about other essentials? Essentials like support from other new moms, permission to let the housework slide, time to take deep breathes, heal and be present with the emotions that we are experiencing. 

Pregnant or not, as women, we've been conditioned to believe that we can do it all and that we should do it all. And that's our first mistake. This impossible promise, though, is much more realistic (or feels that way) when we don't have a child in the picture. As soon as the baby arrives, however, the gig is up. It quickly becomes clear that the social expectation of having it all/being it all/doing it all is not only unrealistic but also tightly packed with more shame, guilt and anxiety than we had ever imagined when we'd first stepped into those tight shoes. But once we're got them on, they're hard to just kick off.

In order to live with peace, be present with our children, sleep soundly at night, stay in good health and leave work behind when we shut down our computer, we must get rid of off these awful shoes. No matter how hard we try, they will never really fit us. And we are not the problem! They don't fit any woman. We need to shrug off what's not working because it's costing us a lot. Even as I type these words, I know how hard this is for me. Unless I get the pinwheel of death, for example, I never actually shut down my computer. I'm not alone on this one. It saves me time to keep the computer on, to just open it and begin to type. Doesn't it? And, is that short-term timesaver "enough" to balance what I'm giving up long-term?

To start casting off what's not working, we need to look carefully at (state aloud, document, get an accountability partner, etc.) what our essentials actually are. And that's a small, tight list! Once we know that, then we can start eliminating some of the emotional baggage of the "stuff" that we carry with us that prevents us from spending time on those essentials. There are additional costs associated with carrying emotional baggage which doesn't serve us. Intangibles like energy, creativity, money, focus. 

We will talk about some of this in Toddler Group because the baggage that we carry also affects our relationships with our toddler, our partner of course, and other important people in our lives. When you're overwhelmed and feeling guilty, how do you think you'd deal with our impetuous toddler? Yeah, kind of like that.

What can you stop carrying?

Going Gray

Sometimes as a new mom, we get into a damaging "all-or-nothing" mindset.

Does this sound familiar? We eat healthy or we don't. We practice self-care or we don't. We're a good mom or we're not. Perhaps you already know that this way of thinking can wreak havoc on our self-confidence and our need to feel competent as a person and a parent. If this sounds familiar, then let me take this moment to remind you that there is a large middle ground in each of our lives called "gray". And if you're meeting "gray" for the first time, you're in for a real treat.

Neither black of white, gray is where possibility and practicality meet. It's a place where feelings of capability and worthiness are encouraged. Success happens more often there and feels better when it does. Gray allows small risks, then the chance to evaluate how they work out and take larger ones if the effort seemed worth it. Compared to it's more rigid pals of black and white, grey is flexible. 

What does gray look like in reality?

Gray is opting to do one vaccination at a time instead of the usual 2-4 because it still feels responsible but a lot less scary or painful.

Gray is deciding to go wheat-free as a trial period but eating the homemade bread that your brother-in-law proudly brought you as a housewarming gift.

Gray is acknowledging that you likely can't make a weekly playdate but will attend as many as you can.

Gray is working a 15 hr a week job doing something you like because having your own money is important to you.

Gray sets you up for success. It allows space for error, changing our mind and wrong turns without making us feel like an idiot. When we adopt a gray mindset, we give ourselves a safe space to be vulnerable trying something new. This is a good thing because what isn't new when you're a new mom?!  As a new mom, gray is crucial. We're learning who we are as a mom. Compassion not only matters but makes this journey more bearable.

What does gray look like for you?  Leave a comment below.

Thank you as always, for reading. I'm glad that you're here.

{new post} September #newmoms group: #bodyimage

The second Saturday of each month is the Outside The Mom Box support group for new moms. Each session starts out with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes for Q&A, then close. Our topic this month was "body image.  Here are a few noteworthy snippets from that conversation:

We started by talking about where we get our ideas about body come from: media, tv and film, celebrities, internet including social media, friends, family and also "hidden" places like healthcare providers. Everyone agreed that after a celebrity's body looked exactly the same as it did before she had the baby and how totally unrealistic that was. Since we don't live on an island, these influences are around all of us constantly which make them harder to ignore.

One of the moms shared her thoughts on how breast-feeding changes our perspective on body image. On one hand we're feeding a baby so breasts are bigger and on the other hand, our breasts are bigger because we are feeding a baby. Sooo, does that make them / us more or less sexy? And it can be equally befuddling to our partners when our magnificent breasts are so functional instead of just "sexy", as we know they "should" be.

Feeling sexy is harder now, most moms agreed. We have stretch marks, stitches or scars from a csection, wrinkles, leftover weight, even milk spraying breasts occasionally. And with all of that goes the usual baby accompaniments, which can mean nursing bras or camis constantly. Also Lilly Padz, more comfy clothes, middle of the night feedings, etc. 

The moms who come to these groups always offer the most insightful comments, one of which I thought was right on: for her, being a new mom is harder on the body than being pregnant. I completely agree with this and others did too. And this makes perfect sense doesn't it? Even aside from the physical exertions that your body goes through everyday with your baby (I remember my wrists bent at a brutal right angle when I held my daughter in the early days. That pain alone was something I wasn't prepared for!), there are also so many social pressures for new moms. Let's make a list of some of those:

1. "to be Facebook ready two days after labor,"
2. Lose that baby weight as quickly as Jessica Alba did (no corsets, please!);
3. Be in love with your baby, even though you might not be; 
4. Or maybe just be grateful that you have a health baby...no matter if your labor and delivery was traumatic.

There are also subliminal social pressures that affect our perspective on our own body image too; to not only breastfeed but make it look as easy, beautiful and "natural" as Olivia Wilde does for example.

Don't get me wrong: there are absolutely physical and social pressures on pregnant women (to not gain too much weight, not to drink or indulge in a Pumpkin Spice Latte, etc.) but I believe that physical and social pressures related to new moms and body image are longer lasting and, because of that they can penetrate our thoughts and self-esteem in more damaging ways.

So many factors influence how body image for new moms. Here are a couple of ways that we can fight those destructive message and keep our body image as heathy as possible:

1. Be realistic. Set yourself up for small success, like daily walks instead of huge goals like joining a gym when both time and money can be factors. Move yourself to activity when you're ready to not because you're supposed to or you feel pressured but because it's good for your mental health, in addition to physical health.
2. Be with people in person, more than online. Face to face connection is essential for our good health, yes, but face to face, like this free monthly group, is also a reality check. Not all new moms look like (insert your favorite celebrity new mom here!).
3. Practice Gratitude. Your body may not look like it did before you were pregnant but your body is where your baby feels safest and most loved. Your body may also be feeding another little being too. Not too shabby!
4. Remind yourself that You are Enough. Just as you are.  And if you forget? Don't look any further than your baby. The way s/he looks at you may be just the reminder you need.

For Durham area new moms, our next gathering is October 11, 2-4 pm. Once again, we will be at my office at 1200 Broad Street, Suite 104, in Durham. RSVPs are not required! Have a suggestion for our October topic, leave me a comment below.  Thanks for reading.

{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} "Did I have a traumatic #childbirth?"

I read a terrific blog post recently that one mom wrote about her childbirth experience. Her labor was long but not concerning. Neither she or the baby were in any kind of danger. From all outside appearances, things looks fine. The exact opposite of how healthcare professionals define "traumatic childbirth". But to this mom, her childbirth experience was traumatic. This is an important distinction.

If we followed the legal definition of domestic violence in terms of providing services to those in need, very few women would ever get help. The legal definition of domestic violence is just that limiting. Similarly if we allow medical professionals to define (or not) our childbirth experience, many of us would not only not have the opportunity to process it but perhaps more of us would feel reluctant to name our childbirth as traumatic. Both are problematic when it comes to our mental health. 

{Funny how both are "women's issues", isn't it?}

We make birth plans, hire doulas, take a childbirth ed class...all things we do to claim our childbirth experience. Claiming your childbirth experience doesn't end when that precious baby arrives in the world! If you feel that your childbirth experience was traumatic for any reason, that is enough of a qualification. 

You have a healthy baby, right? So what exactly do you have to "complain" about? Talking about your childbirth experience (or any aspect of mothering for that matter) is not complaining; it's you taking responsibility for your healing, your self-esteem and your identity as a woman and a mother. As new moms, it's important to practice separating out needs as individuals from our role as a mother so both pieces of yourself are allowed to matter. We've never done this before. As an individual, you have needs, dreams and wants. They are important. But as a mom, you're often told that your needs don't count. But that doesn't mean that those wants and needs go away. They are still important; we just need to own them better and feel supported doing so. Talking about your childbirth is one way to do this.

No, my childbirth experience wasn't traumatic. I feel very lucky because I have known so many women who did feel that theirs was traumatic but didn't feel that they could talk about it or name it for what it truly was. (And certainly no one asks!) This void is why I've started offering trauma counseling. Trauma counseling is a time for women to talk about a trauma related to their pregnancy or childbirth experience. So if you need to claim that childbirth experience as traumatic, today or five years now, you absolutely should...and feel supported doing so.

As always, thank you for reading! I am grateful that you're here.