11 Reasons Why "Breast Is Best" Makes You Wrong

A recent piece on Romper got me incensed. The author, Fiona Tapp, had given some thought to the "breast is best" mantra. Given the backlash she'd experienced, Tapp considered the facts behind "breast is best". In the end, she decided that saying "breast is best" is "perfectly OK". Tapp proceeded to offer 9 reasons to support her conclusion.

It's been a while since I have tackled this topic on the blog. But I talk about it often so it feels like a good time to revisit why I hate, yes hate, this term. Here are 11 reasons why "breast is best" makes you wrong.

1) Baby cared for and protected is more important than what baby is fed. Need science on that? Look at the ACE Study (here or here) or any other research on the affects of early childhood trauma and neglect. An especially good resource is Dr Nadine Burke Harris' TED talk. That's here.

2) Let's get this out of the way. Yes, formula is manufactured. And it's also medically necessary for many babies. Formula may be* the only option for babies who have a congenital deformation, some forms of hypoglycemia or babies who have lost too much weight. It's not common but some babies are actually lactose intolerant so they must formula. Medically necessary or not, babies need to be fed. If that's confusing, see #1 above.

3) 1 in 3-4 women will be survivors of sexual abuse in their lifetime. Some sexual abuse survivors are not willing or able to breastfeed. Feeding on demand, even in the middle of the night, and often in bed can be triggering for a survivor of abuse whose body has been controlled by someone other than herself. 

4) Low income moms are at a double disadvantage with breastfeeding. A) They are more likely to work low wage jobs which don't leave money for breastfeeding supplies. Supplies (from nipple shields to single use bags to a dependable pump) can be expensive! B) Poor moms are also more limited in childcare options. They may need to rely on an unethusiastic caregiver who isn't knowledgable about breastfeeding because of affordability or access issues. 

5) Not all parents have breasts! The breast cancer survivor, two dads, foster parents or adoptive parents may not have breasts or be able to lactate.

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6) Some moms cannot breastfeed, no matter desire, it's just not happening. This is something that I have heard for years. But last week I reached out to a Facebook group and asked about it. One woman, “Laura”, shared this ---------->

7) Breastfeeding isn't "natural" or "intuitive; it is learned. For topics that aren't covered in school (breastfeeding, healthy relationships), we rely others' experiences. Breastfeeding may remain a mystery if mom, sister or friend didn't do it. Support from an breastfeeding professional can be expensive and time-consuming.

8) Speaking of which...breastfeeding can save money but it can cost money. Time away from your work, even to breastfeed, generally means time you are not paid for. The United States is the only industrialized country without paid family leave. I asked a group of women how long they took off from work after their first baby. 90% of women said that they went back before they wanted to.

9) BF can also be scary for women who have struggled with body image issues. Here's how Fearless Formula Feeder Suzanne Barston describes it in her book, Bottled Up., having swollen, enormous leaking breasts was not only physically uncomfortable; it brought back every dark thought, every weird insecurity from a ten-year struggle with anorexia." (92)

10) Every day 3 women are murdered by their boyfriend or partner. These women usually aren't safe in their own homes. An unsupportive / abusive partner can see time with baby as time away from them. Formula feeding can stave off abuse, distract and/or get help around baby.

11) Some moms don't want to breastfeed. It doesn't matter why. Leave them alone already. Unless their baby is in imminent danger, just walk away from your judgment of their life.

Bottom line: Breastfeeding is a privilege. Some of us are more privileged than others. Until we right the wrongs mentioned above and add:

milk sharing programs;

donor milk programs that are actually free; 

access and education for all families who want to breastfeed;

paid leave;

 and so much more, breastfeeding will remain a privilege.

Slogans like "Breast Is Best" make us wrong but maybe that doesn't bother us. But what should bother us is the marginalization and isolation of new parents. BIB comes out after the presents are open and the freezer full of food is empty. It's bandied around at a time when some some moms don't have a moment to themselves to shower. When the partner has gone back to work and mom is alone for at home with a crying baby. When new parent policy is more endangered than ever, we need to strengthen the ties that bind us, not encourage further divisiveness.

We’re better than this.

*I say "may be" here because expressed milk can be an option. Milk banks are banks, however, and are usually too expensive to be sustainable long-term for even the most resourced families.

Let *her* in

Even if I can barely hear David Green talking about the woes of the world, I make an effort to listen to Morning Edition each day. I'm listening for pieces like this one about breastfeeding and future success--stories and news that affect how we think of ourselves as women. 

Too often, I'm wincing. Like yesterday with the breastfeeding piece. When a pediatrician like Valerie Flaherman says "some women can't breastfeed for physical reasons or because they have to go back to work,", I wince at not only her ignorance but the cost to moms everywhere because of her ignorance. I can only hope as a researcher that she is not also in practice. Can you imagine going to your pediatrician and talking about challenges with breastfeeding or saying that you'd rather not breastfeed? Well, maybe you can. And perhaps like me, you may also imagine just how smoothly that conversation would go.

1 in 3 women are a survivor of physical, sexual abuse or stalking in their lifetime. This is a CDC number, not a number from an advocacy group but from a government agency. Technically, it is more than 1 in 3 (36%+) but for simplicity, I say "1 in 3". As I talk about at length in my When Survivors Give Birth trainings, past abuse or trauma can be one of the MANY reasons - beyond physical and career- that women don't breastfeed. Remember those early days? Your baby constantly at your breast (cluster feedings!), rooting around at your blouse or top, constantly touching your chest and skin with their roving hand. At some point there was also pain. All of these actions can be very triggering for a past survivor of abuse. Some survivors won't try breastfeeding because they have a sense just how triggering it might be. And some do try.

But there are other reasons that women cannot breastfeed. Women who have struggled with disordered eating or body image challenges can find the idea of breastfeeding scary or disturbing, on top of the many other changes that are happening or happened to their body. In the past, women who took antidepressants were encouraged to wean from their meds before breastfeeding. Scary but true. Weaning is not necessarily what is advised today as this piece points out. Fearless Formula Feeder founder, Suzanne Barston wrote a terrific book, Bottled Up, talks at length about the reasons why some women don't breastfeed. (Worth checking out if you're curious.)

Y'all, breast is not best. What's best is what's right for YOU and your family. Not what your pediatrician says. Not what some study says. What's best is what works for you and your family. .

There will always be stories about what we, especially we women, can do to be more "successful". And how moms can better support brilliant, well-rounded children destined for careers that improve the world and make boatloads of money at the same time. Let's turn the channel on those stories. Just like I'd never suggest "leaning in". , I never think it's good for anyone's mental health to compare themselves to others. You're not successful alone; we're successful together. Instead of isolating and marginalizing those who don't fit into tight criteria (who does really?), let's gather them together. Let her in. You know. The woman with the messy house or the one who doesn't talk as much. The much older woman or the much younger one. The woman who doesn't have a partner or kids. Or who has had many! Let's gather her and the rest together to build better stories about community, love and support.

Invite me too.

Thank you for reading.

{new post} #newmoms group: understanding #postpartum #moods

The second Saturday of each month is the free Outside The Mom Box support group for new moms with babies under 1 year. Each session starts with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes for Q&A, then close. For November, we had local therapist and mom, Aimee Vandemark talk with us about understanding our postpartum moods. Here are a few noteworthy snippets from that conversation:

Aimee started our conversation off by sharing a story of an experience she had with her own young children. She asked herself in that moment and to us on Saturday to consider, "what does it mean to have another being call us "mom"?". That question segued into a conversation on how personal identity shifts for us during the postpartum period. Our identity as a woman shifts so much as soon as we become a mother. New moods, feelings or other different emotions can become a new norm. But when should we pay attention to those new feelings and when can we accept and move on?

What does postpartum depression look like? There are lots of different emotions or feelings that go into the mix (overwhelm, guilty, confusion, irritation, anger, sadness, numbness, etc.), Aimee told us. One mom commented, "that felt like Tuesday!". I know the feeling! So how do we know if we should be concerned? Aimee said that the intensity and duration of those feelings is really crucial to pay attention to. Thinking about duration: were they happening on Tuesday or for the past two weeks? And when examining intensity, it's important to consider how those feelings are affecting your life: are you able to get through the day? And perhaps find that things are better the next day? Or do you find yourself so overwhelmed that even basic daily tasks feel impossible? 

One of our new moms who has struggled with depression in the past shared that our partners can serve as a good reality check for our emotional health. What a good point! Our partners are the people who know us best in the world. If they are noticing that we are different or that our behavior seems problematic or concerning, then that is absolutely something worth pay attention to. 

In addition to awareness from our partners, Aimee said that our own self-awareness is a really important skill to develop. And that may be fine-tuning, instead, if it's been a while since we've been in touch with how we're feeling about things. Issues like anxiety, depression, sadness don't go away in pregnancy or even after we have our child/children. It's important for our emotional health as well as the health of our entire family that we are self-aware.

With self-awareness, ideally, goes action. So if we are feeling overwhelmed by some of the mood swings that we have going on during the postpartum period, or otherwise, we need to reach out for help and support. Help and support can include: self-care, groups like this new moms group, time talking to a professional like Aimee, connecting with other new moms or even adjustments to schedule, parenting responsibilities. And self-compassion.

I often focus on self-care as an important piece for new moms to practice getting into the habit of but Aimee reminded us that self-compassion is just as important. Self-compassion is just what it sounds like: letting ourselves off the hook sometimes. Talk ourselves the way that we would talk to our child, to at minimum a stranger. Compassion for ourselves can look as "simple" as putting away the parenting books that are causing anxiety, talking yourself out of a negative "tape" that's playing in your mind, or reaching out to someone who has been a supporter of you, to give you a reality check.

Questions? Comments? Share them by visiting my contact page or leaving your thoughts below.

For more information on postpartum mood disorders, please visit my page on mothering and mental health. Thank you for reading! On the calendar for next month: travel with baby! Join us on Saturday December 13 from 2-4 pm.

{new post} How a bathroom can be a vessel for voice

I've wrote before about life's invisible work, those acts of mothering that are unremarkable, everyday. We do them all day long and don't think too much about them. Nothing super important...unless you count the care and attention to your baby's thriving and good health as important. ;-) I was reminded of another example of life's invisible work recently: the search for a changing table when you have a baby.

I visited Northgate Mall in Durham yesterday in search of a watch battery. While the kind people at Shama Jewelry were changing the battery, I headed to the bathroom. I found them closeby, near the food court. There were two, both labeled "family restroom" and while I didn't have Elisabeth with me, there was no one waiting so it didn't feel like a big deal. The only real difference is that those restrooms have changing tables. Well, they're supposed to. 

We've all been here, right? You have to pee but you also know your baby needs to be changed. Finally, a sign that says "yes, both can happen here," and then you open the door.

Yes, you're right: that's large empty space is where the changing table should be.

I didn't have a wet or stinky baby with me but I was still angry! How in the world is this okay? 

Moms have enough to deal with.

Even if this "removal" just happened, it should be dealt with in a more compassionate way. How about a notice on the door as a heads-up? How about a sign or apology where the changing table was, explaining what had happened? Something, anything, other...than just an angry cloud of frustration and disappointment.

What's that saying? You're not paranoid; everyone is out to get you. Haha. Though between the stress of traveling with breastmilk or a pump and the "little" things not being able to count on even a changing table in a "family" restroom, it does feel like moms are sometimes treated like second class citizens in our world. We are generally the ones keeping the future leaders of the world safe, productive and happy, aren't we? Seems like moms could at least merit a sign on a door.

I'll call Northgate. And maybe this will be fixed. Sometimes, though, it's less about the end result and more about using our voice. Because moms do merit a sign on the door. But if we don't speak up about that, even though it's obvious, it's unlikely ever to change. Sure, your boss may just decide to give you a raise but you're more likely to get one if you make the case for one and actually ask for one. If this feels uncomfortable, you're not alone. It's hard to ask for what we deserve. (Although it's often easier if we ask on behalf of our child or someone else). But a public bathroom is as good a vessel as any for turning on that public voice that deserves to be heard and heeded. Your voice matters.

Stay tuned. Thanks for reading.

PS. If this article resonates with you, I hope you'll share it!  And if you're a mom of a toddler, I invite you to join my Toddler Group starting in December. Voice, identity and self-care will all be themes of that 3 month group.