S'mother Love

Two nights ago, I said to my husband, "I just want to go to bed early so I can get up to go to the gym at 5:00!". This statement came as we listened to Elisabeth cry outside her bedroom door. It was 9:15. I hesitated going in because I knew I'd be trapped, cramped into a twin bed beside her, until she fell asleep. Waffling for another half minute, I finally went in.

One of the biggest challenges that I have as a mom is reconciling my needs with what my daughter needs. Almost three, Elisabeth reacts strongly to certain situations, seemingly without rhyme or reason, and in turn, I feel frustrated and resentful. This is certainly normal and par for the course for the age. And yet, I should be able to pee when I need to...or go to bed early...or leave the house wearing the shoes I'd planned to. Should. Because no matter how good your planning or intentions, things can sometimes come to an agonizing halt when an older toddler lives in your house. 

"I think I can, I think I can..."

When you're determined to do something you desperately want, it can be almost physically painful to not be able to do it. As a mom, I feel like I've been in that spot a lot recently. And no, it's not impossible to get up at 5:00 for the gym if you go to bed late. But I work hard not to scrabble through days, living from a place of personal deficiency. Less than seven hours of sleep is too little for me if I need to get up at 5:00. I know that. It's too little and it's also not sustainable. 

So, what do you do? Two nights ago, I gave up. I went into her bedroom and hoped for a speedy exit. I was lucky. But other times, I haven't been. Not being able to depend on luck, I have to fall back on options. I always have those. One option is to ask for help from my husband before I get to the resentful stage. Having a second person step in to distract, soothe the wound-up child can be a gamechanger for everyone's mood. Another option is to do it anyway: go to the bathroom, deny her chocolate, wear the shoes I'd planned, even if Elisabeth is having a breakdown about it. I won't let her sob, gasping for breath alone in the dark but I will eat when I'm hungry, dammit!

Even if the littles in our lives don't get it, we moms have certain rights. I may not have the right to go to the gym when I please but I do have the right to eat breakfast. But let's not confuse those rights with self-care! Breakfast isn't self-care; it's our right as a working mom who needs energy to care for her children. How we choose to claim those rights is up to us. Like so much else with children, this is another "pick your battle" type-adventure.

What options do you have that you aren't exercising?

3 questions about Toddler Group

Update 12/4/14: Toddler Group will start January 3 not December 6! There's still time to join us!

I've fielded a few questions offline about Toddler Group. My theory is that if someone has a question, someone else is thinking the same thing. So I thought I would take a moment and respond to those here.

"What am I paying for in Toddler Group? What do I get?"

Toddlers are tricky little creatures. Babies are sweet and while they might occasionally make us crazy with worry or their crying, we know that they aren't deliberately pushing our buttons. Toddlers, on the other hand, actively test boundaries and their own skills and push our buttons often. In Toddler Group, you get resources, ideas, support and education as you navigate through the often seemingly nonsensical world of your toddler(s) You also get a place to vent, share the overwhelm, make new friends, build community and be non-judgementally supported by moms who are going through the same thing. I think it's a rare bundle. 

"Why isn't this group free like New Mamas Group is?"  

I wish I could say differently but Toddler Group was not my idea! It came from moms who had attended New Mamas group. Because it wasn't part of my business plan to offer a new program, I need to charge for it so I can cover additional costs that are associated with me hosting another group. Costs like childcare, time away from my own toddler, energy to market this offering. When asked by moms I know to offer a program or service, it is really important to me that I do it if I can.

"I'm not sold. How else can you convince me?"

I don't want anyone to be "sold" on this program. If it resonates you, wonderful! If not, that's okay...for whatever reason.

I should mention who Toddler Group is not a good fit for:

Toddler Group is not for you if: you have a hard time supporting other moms' choices whether that is extended breastfeeding or homeschooling.

Toddler Group is not for you if: you are looking for a "platform" or "forum" to use as a way to convince others of your parenting choices. 

Toddler Group is not for you if: you're not willing to be honest with yourself, if you have a hard time being authentic with others or if you won't be able to "show up" as an imperfect, open-minded mom in our group. 

Toddler Group is a closed, time-limited group meaning once it starts, new moms aren't allowed in. Because this group will be small and not structured around a set-in-advance topic but is participant-driven, there is more one-on-one attention. But also because the group will be small, it is important that the moms really be able to support and encourage each other. That has been an unusual blessing in New Mamas Group: the lack of judgement and the warm support. I want that to continue in this group.

Update Tuesday 12/2/14: Due to a cancellation, I need minimum three more moms in order for Toddler Group to run. If you're interested, register here. 

{new post} How a bathroom can be a vessel for voice

I've wrote before about life's invisible work, those acts of mothering that are unremarkable, everyday. We do them all day long and don't think too much about them. Nothing super important...unless you count the care and attention to your baby's thriving and good health as important. ;-) I was reminded of another example of life's invisible work recently: the search for a changing table when you have a baby.

I visited Northgate Mall in Durham yesterday in search of a watch battery. While the kind people at Shama Jewelry were changing the battery, I headed to the bathroom. I found them closeby, near the food court. There were two, both labeled "family restroom" and while I didn't have Elisabeth with me, there was no one waiting so it didn't feel like a big deal. The only real difference is that those restrooms have changing tables. Well, they're supposed to. 

We've all been here, right? You have to pee but you also know your baby needs to be changed. Finally, a sign that says "yes, both can happen here," and then you open the door.

Yes, you're right: that's large empty space is where the changing table should be.

I didn't have a wet or stinky baby with me but I was still angry! How in the world is this okay? 

Moms have enough to deal with.

Even if this "removal" just happened, it should be dealt with in a more compassionate way. How about a notice on the door as a heads-up? How about a sign or apology where the changing table was, explaining what had happened? Something, anything, other...than just an angry cloud of frustration and disappointment.

What's that saying? You're not paranoid; everyone is out to get you. Haha. Though between the stress of traveling with breastmilk or a pump and the "little" things not being able to count on even a changing table in a "family" restroom, it does feel like moms are sometimes treated like second class citizens in our world. We are generally the ones keeping the future leaders of the world safe, productive and happy, aren't we? Seems like moms could at least merit a sign on a door.

I'll call Northgate. And maybe this will be fixed. Sometimes, though, it's less about the end result and more about using our voice. Because moms do merit a sign on the door. But if we don't speak up about that, even though it's obvious, it's unlikely ever to change. Sure, your boss may just decide to give you a raise but you're more likely to get one if you make the case for one and actually ask for one. If this feels uncomfortable, you're not alone. It's hard to ask for what we deserve. (Although it's often easier if we ask on behalf of our child or someone else). But a public bathroom is as good a vessel as any for turning on that public voice that deserves to be heard and heeded. Your voice matters.

Stay tuned. Thanks for reading.

PS. If this article resonates with you, I hope you'll share it!  And if you're a mom of a toddler, I invite you to join my Toddler Group starting in December. Voice, identity and self-care will all be themes of that 3 month group.