Wanted: Folks Who Want to Make Better Decisions

I posted about this earlier this week on Facebook. What? You're not over there? Come on! Those peeps get all the first hand details, always...

Long before I was a trauma educator, before I even started working with survivors, I was a life coach who worked with individual clients and offered personal growth workshops. I designed a really cool values discovery tool about 15 years ago. In the years since, I have tweaked and used in different ways with clients and in support groups. In 2007, I offered an ebook with this tool. I still get a lot of requests for coaching. So earlier this year I decided to update and re-launch my values discovery tool. This summer, I am doing it! So now, I'm looking for testers for my newly updated personal values discovery book. If you are interested in being a tester, I ask that you read this entire post and follow directions at the bottom. Thanks!

This tool is ideal for people who:

• feel overwhelmed by choices;
• tend to doubt their decisions or second guess themselves;
• don’t do self-care well or for whom the idea of self-care feels foreign;
• struggle with feeling satisfied by their life;
• have a hard time prioritizing themselves.

If all of this seems like I'm reading your mind, you are an ideal tester!

If when reading the above you feel hesitant, like some of it applies or maybe it applies under certain circumstances, you are likely not an ideal tester. If none of this feels applicable, you are definitely not an ideal tester. You are the expert of you so I defer to you on whether or not you are an ideal tester. And, I really need folks who are ideal testers. And if you aren't sure, read the following bit:

This tool is not for you if you...

• are clear in your dreams/goals;
• make decisions easily and seldom doubt your choice;
• engage regularly in self-care;
• generally feel happy, satisfied and successful in your life

Here's a few more details:

Question #1: What is this book about?

The book is composed of a self-guided tool to help you discover your 5 personal values. It will also have a few values "success stories" from women who have been using their values (as discovered by their work with me, using this tool). 

Question #2: What are values?

I define values as "a unique way of being or believing that you hold personally significant," 

Question #3: What do values do?

Values help us:

• make better decisions;
• care for ourselves better;
• respect ourselves as individuals worthy of love, attention and care.

You're here! Okay, please read the last few details, to learn more about what you can expect as a tester and what I need from you...

What you get from me:

1. A PDF format (on Monday 7/24) that will contain:
   1. 5 different values discovery activities. They are self-directed but you can do any of them with a partner if you wish.
   2. Sample list of values.
   3. A blank page for the personal values you discover.
   4. Feedback forms; 1 per values activity + 1 final one.

What I need from you:

1. You will send back to me your feedback forms, your page with your 4-5 values and at least 2 of the values discovery activities so I can see your thinking. These can be copied pages; you don’t have to send me back the original. I need back your documents back by end of day Monday September 4. They can be scanned and emailed to me or postal mailed. Whatever is easier for you.
2. Confidentiality. You cannot share/sell/trade/give away any section of the PDF. It's my work. You can discuss what you're doing on the Facebook page.

What you need to know:

1. Plan on anywhere from 15-45 minutes per discovery.

2. You commit to doing 1 discovery per week. 

3. You will get your PDF packet around July 24 and you have until September 1 to do them. That’s 6 weeks for 5 discoveries so you have an extra week if you need it.

4. You cannot copy/share/sell, etc. any part of the tester PDF…blank or completed. Again, it’s proprietary information that I developed. 

5. Please know that I can't accept everyone as a tester, likely no more than 8-12 people. 

6. If you do complete everything by September 1 and return to me as requested, I will give you a coupon code that you can share with anyone (or use yourself!) for 25% off the final product. 

7. When you return your materials to me, you are giving me permission to use your language/writing/value. Your name will not be linked to your words, value, writing, language. To be clear: I will NOT use your name in any way.

If this all sounds interesting to you, please click here to complete the interest form. I will then follow up via email. Thank you so much for your interest!

Entry is closed at this time.

One last thing- the deadline to submit the above form is Wednesday July 19, 5:00 pm. EST.

The One Big Little Thing Survivors Need to Know About Sex

"Since my first ‘sexual’ experience was sexual abuse, I have never once been able to have an orgasm while having sex.”

We know that the more childhood trauma you were exposed to, the higher your risk for health and wellness challenges later on. But less well known is how past sexual abuse affects intimacy. I've been working with survivors for twenty years and have heard about intimacy issues just as long. Yet, this is an area where there is little hard data. So from 2016-2017 I conducted in-person interviews and did a brief, anonymous survey about the issue. One of the first people to share some of their story with me was “Jane”-

Jane is not alone in what she’s going through but she feels alone and that’s very painful. But here’s the one big little thing Jane needs to know: there’s nothing wrong with her. Her inability to orgasm during sex is common. (Also common are flashbacks, pain, lack of desire and an inability to get aroused.) So what’s going on? There are many possible reasons for a lack of orgasm. Let’s look at four biggies:

1. Vulnerability. Vulnerability is a way that we build and deepen connection with others. It’s a letting down of defenses in large and small ways. To be a survivor, however, means experiencing intentionally harm. It is to understand that you were seen as vulnerable or easy to manipulate. As a result some survivors are less open with people, even those they love and trust. Unfortunately, when they aren’t able to be vulnerable with people they trust, they can feel isolated and misunderstood. Being vulnerable during intimacy can be even harder, resulting in an inability to orgasm as a possible result.

2. Control. An orgasm is the peak of sexual arousal, then a release. Inherent in orgasm is a relinquishing of control*. But control is very important for abuse survivors who were hurt by someone who exerted their power over the survivor. Yielding control to someone else --even if a chosen partner and even with small, non-sexual things--can be very scary. So while it's a good thing to feel like you're in control, it can become a bad thing, especially during intimacy with a chosen partner.

3. Unpredictability of the body. Some survivors experience a betrayal of their body for the first time during their abuse. For example, their body may have responded in a sexual way to their abuse, despite obviously not wanting to be abused. Years later, they may be excited by a chosen partner and in a healthy relationship but their body may respond in a disappointing way, including challenges with orgasm.

4. Triggers. Dr Bruce Perry defines a trigger as any sensory input that reminds an individual of a past traumatic experience. Triggers can be a scent or a certain song. Triggers can happen years after abuse has ended and even if the survivor is in a loving relationship. They can be unpredictable, a trigger is more likely to surface during vulnerable times such as intimacy. Being touched in a specific place or hearing a certain word (“relax”) could be a trigger that inhibits orgasm.

While an understanding of how past abuse can impact the present is vital, so is a sense of personal agency. So what can Jane do?

One thing Jane can do is talk about the abuse. Jane mentioned she told partners that she is a sexual abuse survivor. This is a good first step. But because past abuse can come back to us at any time (triggers, during vulnerable times like intimacy, or even through media or current events) sexual abuse is not a one-and-done conversation. Jane also needs to find trusted people in her life that she can talk to about her abuse, beyond a partner or even a therapist. Having safe, trusted people in our life offers opportunities to practice being vulnerable. Doing so is an important way to build and maintain relationships and helps us feel resilient.

As we've learned, being sexual with someone requires vulnerability and an un-clenching of some of control. Emotionally, it's a very high risk place to be for survivors. But they can practice those skills in a low risk way with their safe, trusted people. Maybe they share a personal story or talk about a time when they felt scared or angry. They then can watch and notice how this information lands with the receiver. The best responses are ones that affirm their worthiness, validate that they're not the only one, remind them that we are loved and important just as they are. If talking about abuse feels scary or inaccessible, Jane could start by looking for an abuse survivor peer support group. Local rape crisis centers often host peer support groups.

Secondly, it’s imperative that Jane’s sexual partner is a chosen, desired partner. This might feel obvious but it's worth saying. A chosen, desired partner is the kind that causes the good kind of butterflies! Anticipation at being with someone and pleasure in their company is essential. These elements might feel different or new and that’s ok. Feeling indifferent or going through the motions work against setting the stage for good sex. And of course, feeling scared or pressured by a partner are red flags. No part of intimacy should ever feel unsafe.

The good news is that orgasms not only feel good but are good for us! They are especially healthy tools for survivors. A few areas of the brain that impact behaviors and thoughts (fear, self-evaluation, fight/flight/freeze) actually shut down during orgasm. These responses can be real challenges for survivors so being able to dim them, even temporarily during intimacy, is a welcome break. This relates back to control. Jane needs to feel as if she has choices and can exert control when she wants to. That is easier with a chosen, desired partner. Relaxing into pleasure can and should be a choice.

It can be embarrassing and lonely to be unable to orgasm with a chosen partner. But for Jane and anyone like her: you're not alone and there’s nothing wrong with you. 

*We can sometimes orgasm against our will, for example when we were abused. But in this case, we’re considering Jane’s story which I’m interrupting as her inability to orgasm during sex with a chosen, desired partner. 

This piece is originally from April 2017 but has been updated September 2025.

"On the joyous side"

My husband and I went to our first parent/teacher conference yesterday. Feeling most comfortable with a pen and paper (if no laptop is available), I took copious notes, as if I would have been able to call my mother afterwards. Instead of that option, however, these notes seem to be destined for me. But as I looked at the notes this morning, I noticed this line, "her strongest expressions are on the joyous side,". Underlined and starred. These are the words of one of her two teachers: "on the joyous side".

What would your life look like if your "strongest expressions" were "on the joyous side"? I don't know about you but often my strongest expressions are on the angry side. I often find myself furious with how someone is being treated, raging at others' ignorance or outraged by my daughter's kicking or yelling at me. "On the joyous side," though...that sounds delicious. And tricky, I think. It is way more socially acceptable to talk about how busy you are (everyone nodding solemnly with immediate personal validation ensuing) than to talk about your downtime. Sometimes when a mom mentions how busy she was, I nod and talk about how hard that can be without actually chiming in about my own busyness. I think claiming joy is similar. For me, it's easier to own being angry or lacking peace, even, than it is to claim joy.

Let's start together, though. Give yourself the chance to feel better by playing around with this process. You deserve to. To recap: it's a discovery of that joy, then doing and claiming it. Which part is the most challenging for you? Thanks for reading.