Wanted: Folks Who Want to Make Better Decisions

I posted about this earlier this week on Facebook. What? You're not over there? Come on! Those peeps get all the first hand details, always...

Long before I was a trauma educator, before I even started working with survivors, I was a life coach who worked with individual clients and offered personal growth workshops. I designed a really cool values discovery tool about 15 years ago. In the years since, I have tweaked and used in different ways with clients and in support groups. In 2007, I offered an ebook with this tool. I still get a lot of requests for coaching. So earlier this year I decided to update and re-launch my values discovery tool. This summer, I am doing it! So now, I'm looking for testers for my newly updated personal values discovery book. If you are interested in being a tester, I ask that you read this entire post and follow directions at the bottom. Thanks!

This tool is ideal for people who:

• feel overwhelmed by choices;
• tend to doubt their decisions or second guess themselves;
• don’t do self-care well or for whom the idea of self-care feels foreign;
• struggle with feeling satisfied by their life;
• have a hard time prioritizing themselves.

If all of this seems like I'm reading your mind, you are an ideal tester!

If when reading the above you feel hesitant, like some of it applies or maybe it applies under certain circumstances, you are likely not an ideal tester. If none of this feels applicable, you are definitely not an ideal tester. You are the expert of you so I defer to you on whether or not you are an ideal tester. And, I really need folks who are ideal testers. And if you aren't sure, read the following bit:

This tool is not for you if you...

• are clear in your dreams/goals;
• make decisions easily and seldom doubt your choice;
• engage regularly in self-care;
• generally feel happy, satisfied and successful in your life

Here's a few more details:

Question #1: What is this book about?

The book is composed of a self-guided tool to help you discover your 5 personal values. It will also have a few values "success stories" from women who have been using their values (as discovered by their work with me, using this tool). 

Question #2: What are values?

I define values as "a unique way of being or believing that you hold personally significant," 

Question #3: What do values do?

Values help us:

• make better decisions;
• care for ourselves better;
• respect ourselves as individuals worthy of love, attention and care.

You're here! Okay, please read the last few details, to learn more about what you can expect as a tester and what I need from you...

What you get from me:

1. A PDF format (on Monday 7/24) that will contain:
   1. 5 different values discovery activities. They are self-directed but you can do any of them with a partner if you wish.
   2. Sample list of values.
   3. A blank page for the personal values you discover.
   4. Feedback forms; 1 per values activity + 1 final one.

What I need from you:

1. You will send back to me your feedback forms, your page with your 4-5 values and at least 2 of the values discovery activities so I can see your thinking. These can be copied pages; you don’t have to send me back the original. I need back your documents back by end of day Monday September 4. They can be scanned and emailed to me or postal mailed. Whatever is easier for you.
2. Confidentiality. You cannot share/sell/trade/give away any section of the PDF. It's my work. You can discuss what you're doing on the Facebook page.

What you need to know:

1. Plan on anywhere from 15-45 minutes per discovery.

2. You commit to doing 1 discovery per week. 

3. You will get your PDF packet around July 24 and you have until September 1 to do them. That’s 6 weeks for 5 discoveries so you have an extra week if you need it.

4. You cannot copy/share/sell, etc. any part of the tester PDF…blank or completed. Again, it’s proprietary information that I developed. 

5. Please know that I can't accept everyone as a tester, likely no more than 8-12 people. 

6. If you do complete everything by September 1 and return to me as requested, I will give you a coupon code that you can share with anyone (or use yourself!) for 25% off the final product. 

7. When you return your materials to me, you are giving me permission to use your language/writing/value. Your name will not be linked to your words, value, writing, language. To be clear: I will NOT use your name in any way.

If this all sounds interesting to you, please click here to complete the interest form. I will then follow up via email. Thank you so much for your interest!

Entry is closed at this time.

One last thing- the deadline to submit the above form is Wednesday July 19, 5:00 pm. EST.

The One Big Little Thing Survivors Need to Know About Sex

We're wrapping up SAAM here in April. We've talked facts and prevention but I wanted to bring in something that most people, including likely your therapist, don't talk about: how past sexual abuse affects intimacy.

Sexual abuse can have long term effects on physical health and emotional wellness.  The more early childhood trauma you were exposed to, the higher your risk for health and wellness challenges. But less well known is how past sexual abuse affects intimacy. From the work I do with survivors, I knew that there was a linkage. So I conducted a brief survey last summer that looked at exactly that issue.

The response below was the first that came in:

Like many abuse survivors, Jane is suffering alone with this. And that can make dealing with something as personal as intimacy challenges even harder. So let's get this out of the way: there's nothing wrong with Jane. Her inability to orgasm after sexual abuse is common. (Also common are flashbacks, pain during sex, lack of desire and an inability to get aroused.) But what's going on? There are a combination of reasons for a lack of orgasm. Let's look at four different factors:

1. Ability and desire to be vulnerable. Trauma such as rape can take away our ability to be vulnerable. But this unique kind of brave openness is a way that we build and deepen connections with others. If we aren't being vulnerable with trusted people in our lives, we feel lonely and frustrated. "Why doesn't anyone understand me?" is a natural thought. When vulnerability doesn't happen during intimacy, it's a double whammy! We're frustrated, feel disconnected and our satisfaction with sex is compromised. 

2. Unpredictability of our body. Even if we feel excited about our partner and want to be vulnerable, our body can betray us. This can show up many ways including an inability to orgasm. Some survivors experience a betrayal of their body for the first time during abuse. In spite of not wanting what was happening, their body responded in a sexual way. Although this can be heartbreaking and confusing, it is completely normal. Even years after abuse ends, our body can betray us. 

3. The nature of an orgasm. An orgasm is a surrender to sexual excitement. Inherent in orgasm is a relinquishing of control and predictability. But power and control is at the center of abuse. As a result, abuse survivors tend to hold fast to what they can control. Yielding control to someone else, especially sexually, can be scary. As if that's not enough, the part of our brain that controls behavior becomes less controlled during orgasm. So survivors might be fighting against their own instincts and biology itself during sex.

4. Triggers. Triggers from abuse are unpredictable. Triggers are more likely to surface during vulnerable times or momentous life experiences. They can show up years after abuse has ended and even if the survivor is in a loving relationship. Having someone touch you in a specific place or hearing a certain word could be a trigger that inhibits orgasm.

There are many possible factors for survivors like Jane who have challenges in intimacy. And yet, while an understanding of how past abuse can impacts present day can be helpful, just as important is a sense of agency about the abuse. So what can Jane do?

One thing she can do is talk about the abuse. I know from Jane's survey that she told partners that she is a sexual abuse survivor. And yet, sexual abuse is not a "one and done" topic. We know that triggers and challenges like a lack of orgasm can surface any time. Continued conversations about our abuse and how it's showing up in our lives is an essential, everyday practice. These conversations must happen with trusted friends, family and in peer support groups. All too often survivors talk about abuse only with their therapist. Support outside a professional's office strengthens relationships and keeps focus on the present.

Jane also needs to talk specifically about her inability to orgasm. It's important for her to use her own language to talk about what's going on.

I don't think it's possible for Jane to know what she knows without speaking out loud to a trusted person. We have to voice something in order for it to be real. When pain exists only as a personal deficiency in our mind, we can fool ourself into thinking it doesn't matter or that we are wrong or defective. But when we speak pain aloud, we own it, instead of it owning us. From that place we move to resolution.

I can't emphasize enough the importance for Jane of having trusted people in her life. If this is a challenge (and it is for many of us), Jane can work on this with vulnerability statements. Examples of low risk vulnerability statements would be saying "no" to something small or sharing a personal story. Being sexual with someone is a high risk area for many of us. So starting low risk is as an easier way to practice vulnerability and build a team of trusted people.

Finally, it's imperative that Jane's chosen partner is a desired partner. A desired partner is one that causes butterflies, in a good way. Feeling indifferent to a partner or going through the motions is a recipe for disaster. No sizzle=all fizzle. It's also a red flag to feel anxious, scared or sexually pressured by a partner. If a current partner reminds Jane of any kind of negative experience, desire will go down. We're more likely to orgasm when we relax and get excited by the person we're with. That's also the sign of a healthy relationship.

It can be embarrassing and lonely to be unable to orgasm with a chosen partner. But Jane isn't wrong and she isn't alone. And there are real steps that she and others like her can take to feel sexual in the way they want to.

"On the joyous side"

My husband and I went to our first parent/teacher conference yesterday. Feeling most comfortable with a pen and paper (if no laptop is available), I took copious notes, as if I would have been able to call my mother afterwards. Instead of that option, however, these notes seem to be destined for me. But as I looked at the notes this morning, I noticed this line, "her strongest expressions are on the joyous side,". Underlined and starred. These are the words of one of her two teachers: "on the joyous side".

What would your life look like if your "strongest expressions" were "on the joyous side"? I don't know about you but often my strongest expressions are on the angry side. I often find myself furious with how someone is being treated, raging at others' ignorance or outraged by my daughter's kicking or yelling at me. "On the joyous side," though...that sounds delicious. And tricky, I think. It is way more socially acceptable to talk about how busy you are (everyone nodding solemnly with immediate personal validation ensuing) than to talk about your downtime. Sometimes when a mom mentions how busy she was, I nod and talk about how hard that can be without actually chiming in about my own busyness. I think claiming joy is similar. For me, it's easier to own being angry or lacking peace, even, than it is to claim joy.

Let's start together, though. Give yourself the chance to feel better by playing around with this process. You deserve to. To recap: it's a discovery of that joy, then doing and claiming it. Which part is the most challenging for you? Thanks for reading.