Wanted: Folks Who Want to Make Better Decisions

I posted about this earlier this week on Facebook. What? You're not over there? Come on! Those peeps get all the first hand details, always...

Long before I was a trauma educator, before I even started working with survivors, I was a life coach who worked with individual clients and offered personal growth workshops. I designed a really cool values discovery tool about 15 years ago. In the years since, I have tweaked and used in different ways with clients and in support groups. In 2007, I offered an ebook with this tool. I still get a lot of requests for coaching. So earlier this year I decided to update and re-launch my values discovery tool. This summer, I am doing it! So now, I'm looking for testers for my newly updated personal values discovery book. If you are interested in being a tester, I ask that you read this entire post and follow directions at the bottom. Thanks!

This tool is ideal for people who:

• feel overwhelmed by choices;
• tend to doubt their decisions or second guess themselves;
• don’t do self-care well or for whom the idea of self-care feels foreign;
• struggle with feeling satisfied by their life;
• have a hard time prioritizing themselves.

If all of this seems like I'm reading your mind, you are an ideal tester!

If when reading the above you feel hesitant, like some of it applies or maybe it applies under certain circumstances, you are likely not an ideal tester. If none of this feels applicable, you are definitely not an ideal tester. You are the expert of you so I defer to you on whether or not you are an ideal tester. And, I really need folks who are ideal testers. And if you aren't sure, read the following bit:

This tool is not for you if you...

• are clear in your dreams/goals;
• make decisions easily and seldom doubt your choice;
• engage regularly in self-care;
• generally feel happy, satisfied and successful in your life

Here's a few more details:

Question #1: What is this book about?

The book is composed of a self-guided tool to help you discover your 5 personal values. It will also have a few values "success stories" from women who have been using their values (as discovered by their work with me, using this tool). 

Question #2: What are values?

I define values as "a unique way of being or believing that you hold personally significant," 

Question #3: What do values do?

Values help us:

• make better decisions;
• care for ourselves better;
• respect ourselves as individuals worthy of love, attention and care.

You're here! Okay, please read the last few details, to learn more about what you can expect as a tester and what I need from you...

What you get from me:

1. A PDF format (on Monday 7/24) that will contain:
   1. 5 different values discovery activities. They are self-directed but you can do any of them with a partner if you wish.
   2. Sample list of values.
   3. A blank page for the personal values you discover.
   4. Feedback forms; 1 per values activity + 1 final one.

What I need from you:

1. You will send back to me your feedback forms, your page with your 4-5 values and at least 2 of the values discovery activities so I can see your thinking. These can be copied pages; you don’t have to send me back the original. I need back your documents back by end of day Monday September 4. They can be scanned and emailed to me or postal mailed. Whatever is easier for you.
2. Confidentiality. You cannot share/sell/trade/give away any section of the PDF. It's my work. You can discuss what you're doing on the Facebook page.

What you need to know:

1. Plan on anywhere from 15-45 minutes per discovery.

2. You commit to doing 1 discovery per week. 

3. You will get your PDF packet around July 24 and you have until September 1 to do them. That’s 6 weeks for 5 discoveries so you have an extra week if you need it.

4. You cannot copy/share/sell, etc. any part of the tester PDF…blank or completed. Again, it’s proprietary information that I developed. 

5. Please know that I can't accept everyone as a tester, likely no more than 8-12 people. 

6. If you do complete everything by September 1 and return to me as requested, I will give you a coupon code that you can share with anyone (or use yourself!) for 25% off the final product. 

7. When you return your materials to me, you are giving me permission to use your language/writing/value. Your name will not be linked to your words, value, writing, language. To be clear: I will NOT use your name in any way.

If this all sounds interesting to you, please click here to complete the interest form. I will then follow up via email. Thank you so much for your interest!

Entry is closed at this time.

One last thing- the deadline to submit the above form is Wednesday July 19, 5:00 pm. EST.

These lines are not for crossin': setting good boundaries

It can be awkward to make a change for the good. Like right now. I've hoisted one of my office cubes on top of my desk to create a "standing desk"...because apparently we are more productive when we move. Moving includes standing. But, I'm willing to dabble in the awkward for a bit and give it a try. Let's avoid physically awkward for now, though, and consider another kind of change for the good that doesn't require any heavy lifting: setting good boundaries.

After talking with clients recently about setting good boundaries, I realized each woman I talked to needed greater clarity on a good boundary looked like.

Boundaries are clear, concise statement that you give about how you need to be treated. They are non-negotiable, consistent and always stated firmly. They are not offered out as an inquiry or a "feeling out" of the other person. They sound strong because they are strong.

Your life, your game, you set the boundaries

But why bother? Is this a lot of hoo-ha or personal growth “stuff”? Not in the least. Boundaries are essential tools in order for us to feel confident. Boundaries help us weed out the people in our life that we need to do without (see below) but they also help the people we want in our life to be even more helpful to us. 

Did you get that last part? It’s important.

Boundaries weed out the people who suck the life out of you but help the people who recharge you, your “right people”, to do even more awesome for you. In short, boundaries are rock solid confidence-building tools that you need in your quiver yesterday.

Here are a couple of boundaries my clients set recently. Let me know if any of them sound familiar:

• A dedicated and hard-working employee, Jackie continually volunteered for extra work. Jackie and I discussed this bad habit and the importance of setting good boundaries, especially at work. Although a little wary, Jackie stopped raising her hand at work and instead decided to be aware of what happened when she didn't take on additional projects. She didn’t notice a backlash of people doubting her commitment or skills but what she did notice is her voice being taken more seriously. And a few weeks later at her annual review when Jackie told her supervisor that she would be leaving at 4:30 every day instead of 5:00 and would no longer be checking email on weekends, Jackie’s boss didn’t blink an eye. Getting the green light she wanted raised her confidence to the level she deserved.

• Susie was tired of being the partner to make dinner nightly. She was a full-time mom who didn’t work outside the home but felt she still deserved a night off each week. (Of course she does!) After her first few weeks of work with me, we talked about giving up dinner responsibility for two week nights. The following day, Susie told her partner that she would no longer be responsible for dinner on Friday and Saturday. He agreed and volunteered to make dinner on Saturdays and Fridays became take-out pizza night.

• Fatima has always taken care of everyone in her family, in addition to working a high-powered job. When Fatima’s sister-in-law asked for help with the divorce papers, Fatima didn’t blink an eye and stepped in. After she and I talked, Fatima realized that she was endangering all her hard work putting her needs first by helping someone else with a situation that she didn’t own or have any stake in. After she and I talked, Fatima called her cousin and asked him to help with the paperwork. He agreed and she handed it over.

What about you? Chances are there’s a boundary you need to set right now. My guess is you're waffling. Go ahead and try it: ask yourself -—>”What boundary do I need to set right now and with whom?”. In addition to all the confidence boosting work we talked about above simply voicing a desire allows you to believe you're worthy of wanting and deserving better. So what are you waiting for?

Share your boundary-setting story and what happened. Leave a comment below.

Boosting your confidence with gut instinct

I've been studying confidence for years, specifically what confidence looks and sounds like in women. No matter what work I've been doing, time and again I see a lack of confidence as one of the biggest issues that hold women back. Not only clients but co-workers, friends, bosses, etc. Today most of the work that I do in my workshops and with individual clients centers on finding simple, practical solutions to everyday problems. A lack of confidence is no different. So today I want to focus on one easy, painless way to get more confident: using your gut instinct.

Kids listen more easily than we do.

But what is gut instinct exactly? 13th century Persian poet Rumi said, "There's a voice that doesn't use words. Listen". That voice is gut instinct. Some people say "intuition" or "gut feelings"; it's all the same. Gut instinct is the voiceless voice that lives inside your soul. It often comes to us unexpectedly. It's not something that you can tease out. You don't wait for gut instinct to show up; the judgment or assessment that is behind the feeling is either there or it isn't. Gut instinct is reliable but we're not always paying attention.

But we should! Here are three ways using gut instinct can boost confidence:

1. It helps you know when to push back, let go or get the heck out. Gut instinct is the magic that warns you, "danger, danger" when you're in an unfamiliar place and something is off. My clients who use gut instinct are better able to correctly assess situations, opportunities, potential relationships as they arise.

2. It builds trust in yourself. Trusting yourself more means less second-guessing, back-pedaling and waffling. Gut instinct is what propelled me to get on a plane to see my mom one last time. If I hadn't listened to gut instinct (and both of my sisters' gut instincts), I might not have gone. And if I hadn't, I would have regretted that decision for the rest of my life.

3. It helps you be the best version of yourself you can be. If you're like most women I talk to, you'd love to bring more "you" into your daily life. Well, when you listen to yourself by paying attention to gut instinct, you become more confident with being that first rate version of yourself. 

There's a lot of power in using gut instinct as a way to be more confident in the small and large moments of your days. Test it out, let me know how it goes.

Unpacking Outside The Mom Box

"The Mom Box" is a metaphor for the way that society keeps women small and contained. I wrote a little about that here recently. To be "Outside The Mom Box" is to step outside the boxes that we’re placed in as a women…whether that’s mom or childfree, wife or single, beautiful or unattractive, fat or thin…and create a life that’s not a box but a mirror. A mirror of who we are as an individual, active and taking up space in the world. I had an idea about how I wanted to help women do that when I first started this business but that's changed in the eighteen months since I opened my doors.

““We need not wait to see what others do.”
—Gandhi”

In no small way, my mother's illness and death last month helped spur on these changes. There's nothing like the death of someone close to you to remind you that your own days are numbered. And since my days, like yours, are numbered, I don't want to spend them playing it safe. Or trying to accommodate a request that doesn't make sense, pursue a path that doesn't serve me in the highest possible way or continue a commitment that feels outdated.

So, I've returned to my roots a bit in a new and improved way with the OTMB business rebranding. I'm doing only the pieces that I love and am really, really good at. This work, the story, focuses on helping women - not just moms - feel and act more confident in the big and small moments of their day-to-day lives. I'm offering solutions that only I can provide like a time-limited, personalized coaching program which focuses on a specific, super-exciting goal. No more asking "what do you want?" but "who wants to hear about My Story?" instead. This story won't change and it may not be for you. And I know some people will go away. That's okay because my story isn't for everyone. But if you struggle with saying "no" or setting a healthy boundary, it might be for you. My story might be for you if wrestle with guilt over not doing your work or enough work or the right work. And it might be for you if you waffle about making decisions because you don't want to let people down or are worried that speaking up will hurt feelings. So if any of those feel familiar, buckle yourself in. You're in good company. 

Thanks for being here.