A Simple Way To Focus On The Future

You aren't the same. I'm not either. And neither is the person who hasn't said out loud that they was abused. None of us will ever be the same. That's okay.

Trauma changes us. And while we can't change the past, we can change what we do today. And tomorrow. And the next day. That's a simple way to focus on the future: look in that direction.

Concentrate on that. 

Don't look back. You're not going there.

Bedroom Confessions: Why You Need To Ask About Sleep

If you are someone who works in a helping field you need to be asking about sleep. Asking someone about their sleep patterns is often a way that I start a conversation with a survivor. Sleep is a safe subject especially with someone you don't know. And this is the kind of bedroom confession you need!

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Asking a "how" or "why" questions gets people to dig deeper, giving you more information to work with, so says behavioral investigator Vanessa Van Edwards. I like "how" and "why" questions for these reasons too but also because they are trauma-informed. They encourage the respondent to answer in a way that allows her to both share her story on her own terms.

Here are a few sample ways to ask about sleep --------->

The answers to sleep questions help you consider physical or emotional challenges. Is the client going through menopause or struggling with the loss of a parent? Or perhaps she is now coming to terms with her history as a rape survivor? Sexual abuse survivors typically have less quality sleep than non-survivors. They are more likely to sleep fewer hours, struggle with falling asleep and have disrupted sleep.

Sleep questions give you opportunities to create trust between you and your patient. They are non-medical questions that enable the provider to share power by allowing the client to be the expert. How many of us ever feel that way when we see a provider? Sleep questions also ask for an opinion. Asking for an opinion allows you to pivot from all-knowing provider to interested learner. Each of these small changes build trust.

Quality and quantity of sleep are important to consider when looking at health. We all sleep. We all eat too but asking someone you don't know about their eating habits can be tricky. And not only if they have struggled with disordered eating in the past! But asking about sleep is different; it's a conversation starter. Sleep questions provide useful background and help you understand how a patient thinks of herself. So get those bedroom confessions going! Ask about sleep.

Boosting your confidence with gut instinct

I've been studying confidence for years, specifically what confidence looks and sounds like in women. No matter what work I've been doing, time and again I see a lack of confidence as one of the biggest issues that hold women back. Not only clients but co-workers, friends, bosses, etc. Today most of the work that I do in my workshops and with individual clients centers on finding simple, practical solutions to everyday problems. A lack of confidence is no different. So today I want to focus on one easy, painless way to get more confident: using your gut instinct.

Kids listen more easily than we do.

But what is gut instinct exactly? 13th century Persian poet Rumi said, "There's a voice that doesn't use words. Listen". That voice is gut instinct. Some people say "intuition" or "gut feelings"; it's all the same. Gut instinct is the voiceless voice that lives inside your soul. It often comes to us unexpectedly. It's not something that you can tease out. You don't wait for gut instinct to show up; the judgment or assessment that is behind the feeling is either there or it isn't. Gut instinct is reliable but we're not always paying attention.

But we should! Here are three ways using gut instinct can boost confidence:

1. It helps you know when to push back, let go or get the heck out. Gut instinct is the magic that warns you, "danger, danger" when you're in an unfamiliar place and something is off. My clients who use gut instinct are better able to correctly assess situations, opportunities, potential relationships as they arise.

2. It builds trust in yourself. Trusting yourself more means less second-guessing, back-pedaling and waffling. Gut instinct is what propelled me to get on a plane to see my mom one last time. If I hadn't listened to gut instinct (and both of my sisters' gut instincts), I might not have gone. And if I hadn't, I would have regretted that decision for the rest of my life.

3. It helps you be the best version of yourself you can be. If you're like most women I talk to, you'd love to bring more "you" into your daily life. Well, when you listen to yourself by paying attention to gut instinct, you become more confident with being that first rate version of yourself. 

There's a lot of power in using gut instinct as a way to be more confident in the small and large moments of your days. Test it out, let me know how it goes.