Bedroom Confessions: Why You Need To Ask About Sleep

If you are someone who works in a helping field you need to be asking about sleep. Asking someone about their sleep patterns is often a way that I start a conversation with a survivor. Sleep is a safe subject especially with someone you don't know. And this is the kind of bedroom confession you need!

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Asking a "how" or "why" questions gets people to dig deeper, giving you more information to work with, so says behavioral investigator Vanessa Van Edwards. I like "how" and "why" questions for these reasons too but also because they are trauma-informed. They encourage the respondent to answer in a way that allows her to both share her story on her own terms.

Here are a few sample ways to ask about sleep --------->

The answers to sleep questions help you consider physical or emotional challenges. Is the client going through menopause or struggling with the loss of a parent? Or perhaps she is now coming to terms with her history as a rape survivor? Sexual abuse survivors typically have less quality sleep than non-survivors. They are more likely to sleep fewer hours, struggle with falling asleep and have disrupted sleep.

Sleep questions give you opportunities to create trust between you and your patient. They are non-medical questions that enable the provider to share power by allowing the client to be the expert. How many of us ever feel that way when we see a provider? Sleep questions also ask for an opinion. Asking for an opinion allows you to pivot from all-knowing provider to interested learner. Each of these small changes build trust.

Quality and quantity of sleep are important to consider when looking at health. We all sleep. We all eat too but asking someone you don't know about their eating habits can be tricky. And not only if they have struggled with disordered eating in the past! But asking about sleep is different; it's a conversation starter. Sleep questions provide useful background and help you understand how a patient thinks of herself. So get those bedroom confessions going! Ask about sleep.

Ignoring The Thing That Hurts

As women we look the other way a lot. We ignore the online comment that is an insult or we make decisions out of default, watching the hours or days pass by without any action other than noticing. Sometimes we even ignore our own internal or external hurt. We often aren't willing to really sit with the thing that feels uncomfortable and then take action to make that issue feel better. "The devil you know" and all that allows us to sit, usually unchallenged, in our own hurt. Until now.

Opening up into whatever hurts is painful in the obvious ways. If you've been ignoring a physical pain or health concern, it could be painful having that area explored by a physician. I get it. Even if your hot spot isn't physical, it can be painful just talking about whatever hurts you. But you need to. Because you deserve better.

I've spoken with clients who justify the pain that they're in as "payback" for something that they did wrong in the past. Honestly, it wasn't that long ago that I thought the same thing. But in the years since, I've come to the conclusion that no one deserves to be hurt because of something that they *think* they did wrong in the past. And even if I did do something wrong, overall, I'm a good person. Everyone makes mistakes. But if it feels important to ask for forgiveness for your past mistake, do so to whomever you need to. I give it to you here as well. And then, move on to paying attention to your own hurt. Bring your attention back to that.

You're the one that others depend on. You keep family circles together as well as circles of friends from high school. You remember others' birthdays and bring food when someone is sick or had a new baby. Your presence means the world to so many people. You don't deserve the internal suffering that is a by-product of you sticking your head in the sand. And that's true no matter what you've done.

When you sit with your hurt and concentrate on mending it, your heart becomes lighter. Your shoulders will spring back from their crunched position. Deep breathes will come without prompting. Your sleep will be better, you'll be less inclined to head for a sugar fix and more inclined to smile. Paying attention to your hurt and mending it reaffirms your commitment to yourself as a woman who deserves love and good fortune. Because you do.

What's your hurt that needs to be mended?

{new post} August #newmoms group conversation: #babies #sleep

The second Saturday of each month is the Outside The Mom Box support group for new moms. Each session starts out with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes for Q&A, then close. Our topic this month was "sleep".  Here are a few noteworthy snippets from that conversation:

I set the stage by offering this thought: ignore everything that tells you what "normal" babies do; your baby is unique, like you. As one of the moms that I reached out to for thoughts about sleep shared with me, "No one method works for everyone." It's also important to be mindful of the impact that our culture has on our belief systems and the issue of baby sleep is no different. Sadly, the impact is often a negative one (do ____ to be faster/better; make ___ easier; get more of _____) but sometimes it can be positive, especially if you surround yourself with non-judgmental support and acceptance, as we see in this group.

Next, we brainstormed reasons that babies might wake...

<--------- As you can see, the reasons that babies might wake up are as diverse as the babies themselves!

To keep Baby's sleep into perspective and contrast it with other babies in the room, moms took turns sharing the age of their baby, what their longest interval of sleep looked like and whether or not and what they were eating. 

I then shared that, according to La Leche League, sleeping through the night is about 5 hours for newborns, slightly more for older babies.

Our group's breastfed babies (newborns through age 10 months) did exactly as one would think they would: waking every 3 -5 hours. This is what we would expect because breastfed babies need to eat every 2-3 hours so baby is waking up every few hours to eat is normal and expected. Breastmilk digests within a few hours and if there isn't anything else in baby's tummy, they will likely be hungry after a few hours. Remember for most babies over 6 months but under a year, solids are still new so while Baby may be taking in some nutrition, we can't count on "a hearty dinner" sustaining them through the night! Breastmilk still meets this need for them.

Our two formula fed babies were pretty different from each other, although not different from how often they were waking: every 2-3 hours. The 8 month old had a set bedtime routine and was enjoying solids in addition to formula but mom wasn't clear whether or not he was waking out of habit/comfort or hunger. This can be hard to tell! I suggested that she experiment and send her husband in to see if baby indeed was hungry. Sometimes partner is a better one to send in because baby may be more likely to associate mom with food. If indeed, baby wants comfort, dad can provide it by soothing, rocking, singing, etc. and mom can keep sleeping. If none of that works, baby may be hungry but that's also something dad can do! The 6 month had a routine that involved dad when he came home from work...which was late so baby was up late having dinner with him. This meant bedtime was super late, baby was up a few hours later, then back to sleep, then up again, etc. I suggested to mom looking at dad doing more of the routine and having it follow dinner, not be before, as a way to "signal" bedtime and aim for an earlier hour asleep.

We talked about ways that mom could get more sleep:

• bedsharing (Evolutionary Parenting's page here has a number of useful articles about bedsharing);
• this post on routine vs. schedule is worth its weight in gold; 
• taking turns with partner, having partner being the comforter, feeder, etc;
• doing a dream feed before she goes to bed;
• night weaning if she is breastfeeding.

I try to remind myself and will remind you here, dear reader, that if whatever you are doing is working for you, keep doing it. If it doesn't, then look to change it. It's only recently that I have come to terms with my own daughter's sleep. Breastfed babies (and toddlers) are usually up more often in the night, unless they are sleep-trained in some way. Not every breastfed baby or toddler of course because each child is different.  I've seen that mentioned here, here and here and anecdotally as I collect stories from moms along the way. My daughter is 2.2 and this holds true for us: she is up 1-2 times per night, every night. And when I finally came to terms with this being okay and normal, I was fine. But when I worried that she wasn't getting enough sleep, that I was doing something wrong, etc., I felt horribly guilty.

We closed our conversation with a few other takeaways:

• baby crying = a need not being met;
• realistic expectations are important (see paragraph #2!);
• perspective is important...as one of my "old" moms from a previous group said," Please tell your mamas in sleep hell that it DOES get better!"  

For Durham area new moms, our next gathering is September 13, 2-4 pm. Once again, we will be at my office at 1200 Broad Street, Suite 104, in Durham. RSVPs are not required! Have a suggestion for our September topic, leave me a comment below. 

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