What's Missing From The Story

I mentioned in a recent newsletter that I wanted to "dare bigger" and that I'm caring less about what people think. I've also publicly shared that "uncomfortable" is one of my 2016 power words. So, in that spirit...here goes.

A few weeks ago I posted about my own discovery of personal values through my first coach training class on Facebook. Good story but no "meat": the trajectory went from awareness of an idea to a completed act. But that's not how stories really happen, is it? The post was "successful, "reaching" hundreds of folks so I "promoted" it into an ad, as a way to tell people about The Pandora Passport, my group coaching program that helps women discover and use their own five personal values. I don't know if that story was "enough" to prompt women to register. What I do know is that the meat of the story was missing. And that matters. Because I'm not being "all in", in Brene Brown's language or in my language, "truly authentic", if I leave the meat out.

So, let me give a personal values story another try-

I went back to school in 2006. Working alone, without mentorship or even colleagues really, led me to Southern Connecticut State University's Masters of Arts program in Women's Studies with no greater goal than credibility for a future book on women and self-esteem. A week into the program, I was being taught to ask "which women?" and that not all "women's experiences" were the same. My book idea suddenly seemed embarrassingly naive.

It was at this time that I recognized that one of my five personal values, "Restorative Home", was operating in the red and had been for a while. I knew what "Restorative Home" was supposed to be and how important it was for me to have a home that at the very minimum felt safe, healthy and stable. But my home hadn't felt like that in years. My long-time partner was an alcoholic whose drinking had gotten worse after a horrible fire in our home. To say he was unreliable is an understatement. And worse, when he drank he was abusive. So my home became a place of anxiety, worry and fear. Home should be calm, where your most meaningful relationships happen, where vulnerabilities are exchanged, where safety is expected. None of those things were true for my home. Things had been good between my partner and I once but five years in, there was nothing restorative about my home, or our relationship.

By May 2008, my program was done and so was I. I swallowed my pride and at age 35, I called my mother to ask for help. And money. She sent both. Along with my dad, I moved from Connecticut to North Carolina Labor Day weekend 2008 with a POD and five greyhounds who everyone had told me to separate or give away. Once there, I lived with my parents after the rental house I had secured fell through. It wasn't my fault but it was still another blow. I felt ashamed to be in another situation of needing help as an adult from my parents. When I finally did find a house, (my first "Restorative Home" of my own!) my parents paid my rent for six months (more embarrassment) while I worked part-time in retail before I found a full-time job.

My mother always said that home has to be safe, a haven. That's "Restorative Home" and so much more today. My husband is calm, kind and very predictable. Bills are paid on time, the house is organized, clean and well-managed. Neighbors are closeby and I love it. When I come home late at night, the front porch light is on. When I started working for myself again, I knew I needed an outside office, in part, so I could keep my home, a truly "Restorative Home".

Brene Brown writes in her new book, Rising Strong, "embracing failure without acknowledging the real hurt or fear that it can cause, or the complex journey that underlies rising strong is gold-plating grit" aka making "failure look fashionable". After reading that last week, I realized that I have been doing this...for years. With some stories more than others, with some people less than others. But still doing it. That stops now. It's at the core of what I believe with Outside The Mom Box: that we must step out of the categories that we are placed in and own our unique story. With my story above, from here on out, the stories I tell will be different. They will include the emotions and the details of that complex journey because I need them to be spoken. For me, it's just a better way. You being here helps. Thank you for that.

PS. Someone I know needs to hear this story now. If you know someone else who does too, would you forward and share it with them? Thanks.

You Pick Two

If I were to suggest two ways that could truly amp up your confidence, they would be these:

1. Say what you mean. Not "yes", if you don't want to. Not "no" if you really would like to. Do you want to see someone again? Tell them. Do you want to ask someone to partner with you? Ask. Awkward is okay. And it's temporary. Confusion over mixed messages or regrets after lost opportunities,though, can last decades.

2. Act in a way that shows the world what's important to you. This is your paid work, your volunteer work. It's your parenting, the way you treat the bartender and whether or not you try and negotiate a deal on furniture at TROSA. When you act in accordance with your values, you attract a certain community i.e. not everyone that is thirsty to support you.

Both of these tools help you break outside the mom box, into a mold that's completely you. I am not perfect. You know as well as I do the high costs of that shitty path and I don't know about you, but I'm not going back. I mess up all the time. But my life is a series of practices, not attempts at perfection, that reinforce the mold of awesome that I'm in. And that's better than the pinched corners of a box that doesn't fit any day.

That's it. So, you can pick two...or one. Or none. The choice is yours. And it's free. Bonus.

#newmoms group: What's Your #Postpartum Plan?

The second Saturday of each month is the free Outside The Mom Box support group for pregnant women and new moms with babies under 1 year. Each session starts with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes at the end for Q&A. Last Saturday we had post partum doula and mom, Suzanne Lee of Eno River Doula talk with us about postpartum planning. Here are a few noteworthy bits of advice from that conversation:

Suzanne started out by asking our group of five new moms and one pregnant woman about postpartum plans were or had been. We heard first from a mom of a five month old who was easily able to share some advice about her experience. "I needed to accept a lot more help than I ever had before," she shared with us. This struck me as not only self-aware but also brave. It's hard to admit that we need help, especially when new moms are often told, (subconsciously or overtly) that they should be able to do it all. I remember feeling like I should be able to do it all, in spite of having a local sister who had already been there before.

Moms talked a lot about the challenges that surfaced that we hadn't anticipated. With unexpected challenges (not being able to produce enough milk for example) then it's often easy to label ourselves as a "bad" mom, a mom who "cannot even feed her own child," as one mom told me once. We are our own worst critic. That must change when we have children. If it doesn't, our negative self-talk will spill over onto our child. Kids miss nothing. They might not have the language yet to talk about what they see but they will. They might not understand the reasoning behind our anxiety yet but they feel it now. Better to start to work on those issues now than later on when your child is way faster at noticing and adapting than the baby he is now.

One new mom reminded us that it is also helpful to be willing to let go of our preconceived ideas about baby raising. That for her was about bedsharing. But this can be true of diapering choices, formula vs. breastmilk, baby wearing or vaccination schedules. When we let go of a set idea because we realize that it is no longer serving us, we not only grow more confident as a mom but we also gain skills in the practice of responding to our baby's needs. 

We all know that family can be a blessing or, sometimes, a real curse. So as one new mom pointed out, "try to plan your visitors based on how helpful they are to you." Someone who is not as helpful or who may be higher maintenance, less independent and more needy could be told to come at twelve weeks instead of three weeks. Remember, this is the one time in your life when the world will essentially revolve around you...as long as you make your needs and wants clear!

Lastly, don't put off the inevitable: childcare for example. If you know you're going back to work, make as many arrangements in advance as you can to alleviate worries down the road. Plans can always change (see above!) but it's better to have a plan than to wing it later on when emotions are running high.

Questions? Comments? Share them by visiting my contact page or leaving your thoughts below. Thank you for reading! We will meet again Feb 14 from 2-4.  Join us!

What are you carrying?

And I don't mean diapers and Cheddar Rockets. I'm talking about your emotional baggage. 

I talked to a group of pregnant women and their partners on Tuesday morning at Women's Health Alliance in Durham about expectations and worries postpartum. Like the rest of us, most had done a really good job of taking care of the essentials before the baby arrives: getting the car seat installed, setting up a crib or co-sleeper, taking care of the responsibilities of work before we take our leave, etc. What was missing, for them, is preparation for the essentials that come after the baby arrives. Sure, we or friends have set up a meal "service" like Take Them A Meal but what about other essentials? Essentials like support from other new moms, permission to let the housework slide, time to take deep breathes, heal and be present with the emotions that we are experiencing. 

Pregnant or not, as women, we've been conditioned to believe that we can do it all and that we should do it all. And that's our first mistake. This impossible promise, though, is much more realistic (or feels that way) when we don't have a child in the picture. As soon as the baby arrives, however, the gig is up. It quickly becomes clear that the social expectation of having it all/being it all/doing it all is not only unrealistic but also tightly packed with more shame, guilt and anxiety than we had ever imagined when we'd first stepped into those tight shoes. But once we're got them on, they're hard to just kick off.

In order to live with peace, be present with our children, sleep soundly at night, stay in good health and leave work behind when we shut down our computer, we must get rid of off these awful shoes. No matter how hard we try, they will never really fit us. And we are not the problem! They don't fit any woman. We need to shrug off what's not working because it's costing us a lot. Even as I type these words, I know how hard this is for me. Unless I get the pinwheel of death, for example, I never actually shut down my computer. I'm not alone on this one. It saves me time to keep the computer on, to just open it and begin to type. Doesn't it? And, is that short-term timesaver "enough" to balance what I'm giving up long-term?

To start casting off what's not working, we need to look carefully at (state aloud, document, get an accountability partner, etc.) what our essentials actually are. And that's a small, tight list! Once we know that, then we can start eliminating some of the emotional baggage of the "stuff" that we carry with us that prevents us from spending time on those essentials. There are additional costs associated with carrying emotional baggage which doesn't serve us. Intangibles like energy, creativity, money, focus. 

We will talk about some of this in Toddler Group because the baggage that we carry also affects our relationships with our toddler, our partner of course, and other important people in our lives. When you're overwhelmed and feeling guilty, how do you think you'd deal with our impetuous toddler? Yeah, kind of like that.

What can you stop carrying?