With the elimination of group coaching so too goes the social media marketing campaigns. From here on out, I'll post on Facebook and Twitter when I feel like it.
Read moreWhat's Missing From The Story
I mentioned in a recent newsletter that I wanted to "dare bigger" and that I'm caring less about what people think. I've also publicly shared that "uncomfortable" is one of my 2016 power words. So, in that spirit...here goes.
A few weeks ago I posted about my own discovery of personal values through my first coach training class on Facebook. Good story but no "meat": the trajectory went from awareness of an idea to a completed act. But that's not how stories really happen, is it? The post was "successful, "reaching" hundreds of folks so I "promoted" it into an ad, as a way to tell people about The Pandora Passport, my group coaching program that helps women discover and use their own five personal values. I don't know if that story was "enough" to prompt women to register. What I do know is that the meat of the story was missing. And that matters. Because I'm not being "all in", in Brene Brown's language or in my language, "truly authentic", if I leave the meat out.
So, let me give a personal values story another try-
I went back to school in 2006. Working alone, without mentorship or even colleagues really, led me to Southern Connecticut State University's Masters of Arts program in Women's Studies with no greater goal than credibility for a future book on women and self-esteem. A week into the program, I was being taught to ask "which women?" and that not all "women's experiences" were the same. My book idea suddenly seemed embarrassingly naive.
It was at this time that I recognized that one of my five personal values, "Restorative Home", was operating in the red and had been for a while. I knew what "Restorative Home" was supposed to be and how important it was for me to have a home that at the very minimum felt safe, healthy and stable. But my home hadn't felt like that in years. My long-time partner was an alcoholic whose drinking had gotten worse after a horrible fire in our home. To say he was unreliable is an understatement. And worse, when he drank he was abusive. So my home became a place of anxiety, worry and fear. Home should be calm, where your most meaningful relationships happen, where vulnerabilities are exchanged, where safety is expected. None of those things were true for my home. Things had been good between my partner and I once but five years in, there was nothing restorative about my home, or our relationship.
By May 2008, my program was done and so was I. I swallowed my pride and at age 35, I called my mother to ask for help. And money. She sent both. Along with my dad, I moved from Connecticut to North Carolina Labor Day weekend 2008 with a POD and five greyhounds who everyone had told me to separate or give away. Once there, I lived with my parents after the rental house I had secured fell through. It wasn't my fault but it was still another blow. I felt ashamed to be in another situation of needing help as an adult from my parents. When I finally did find a house, (my first "Restorative Home" of my own!) my parents paid my rent for six months (more embarrassment) while I worked part-time in retail before I found a full-time job.
My mother always said that home has to be safe, a haven. That's "Restorative Home" and so much more today. My husband is calm, kind and very predictable. Bills are paid on time, the house is organized, clean and well-managed. Neighbors are closeby and I love it. When I come home late at night, the front porch light is on. When I started working for myself again, I knew I needed an outside office, in part, so I could keep my home, a truly "Restorative Home".
Brene Brown writes in her new book, Rising Strong, "embracing failure without acknowledging the real hurt or fear that it can cause, or the complex journey that underlies rising strong is gold-plating grit" aka making "failure look fashionable". After reading that last week, I realized that I have been doing this...for years. With some stories more than others, with some people less than others. But still doing it. That stops now. It's at the core of what I believe with Outside The Mom Box: that we must step out of the categories that we are placed in and own our unique story. With my story above, from here on out, the stories I tell will be different. They will include the emotions and the details of that complex journey because I need them to be spoken. For me, it's just a better way. You being here helps. Thank you for that.
PS. Someone I know needs to hear this story now. If you know someone else who does too, would you forward and share it with them? Thanks.
{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} My Story
I didn't expect to be able to get pregnant, or get pregnant easily. I was 38 and just imagined that I was likely "too old". But luckily for us, we did get pregnant and luckily for me, my pregnancy wasn't difficult. Physically I felt good. I was exhausted in the early weeks of the first trimester but when that faded. Most of the time, I had good energy, slept well and while I stopped going to the gym early on, I remained active with walking and yoga. Emotionally, however, I was a different story.
I had been a confident woman for decades so it was strange to feel like that was all gone. Suddenly, I felt anxious about every little thing. I felt sure that I was the oldest mom-to-be in Durham. There was no "First Time Moms Over 40" Durham Meet-Up at that time. I didn't know anyone else who was pregnant! On my daily drives to Chapel Hill, I found myself angry with careless drivers on 15/501 and wished aloud many times for a "pregnant lady on board" sign for my car so they might be extra careful around me. I felt unsupported and stressed emotionally about my job and uncertain, even what it would be, when I returned from my leave. There was no "pregnant women support group" that I could find. I felt alone and vulnerable often.
...until about the seventh month! My husband and I took a childbirth ed class where we finally met other expecting parents. There wasn't much time set aside to talk among ourselves or debrief in general but I really appreciated the weekly company. We also hired a birth doula which was reassuring for both of us. I'd come full circle with my job, too. I had originally planned on returning after my three month leave (1/2 of which would be unpaid) but ended up deciding it would be best to give notice and find something else at the end of the summer. I began to feel my confidence come back.
My daughter was born in the summer of 2012. Neither my husband or I had much experience with babies and I remember thinking, through my fog of sleeplessness, worry and physical pain, “it shouldn’t be like this.” When I learned about post-partum doulas a few months later, I decided that I wanted be one of these amazing women: a special blend of confidante, sister, nurse. But was that the answer? I'd already began to wrestle with this new identity. I was someone's mother while still 'Elizabeth'. "Elizabeth", as I knew her, had to be in there somewhere, I thought. And it didn't seem to be "just" a matter of finding a new career.
I began to realize that it was about more than wanting to offer support and help as a postpartum doula, I realized that we moms need to give ourselves permission to count again. I needed to. And not just in the professional sense, as it seemed I was trying to. It felt wrong to go off and have a coffee with an old friend but common sense and a good sense of self told me that was exactly the thing I needed to recharge and return ready to tackle a hungry baby. I was still important as an individual with different needs (including professional ones), even if I was now someone's mom. This permission to count again, to see one's self as important and to be seen as important -separate from being a mom - seemed to be completely missing from conversations that I was part or anything that I read.
I started Outside The Mom Box about eighteen months after I had my daughter. And with it, I started to have the permission conversation on a smaller level, in blog posts, support groups and informally. Grounded in that piece, I started to offer all the services and support that I wanted and couldn't find when I was pregnant and a new mom:
Pregnant women and new moms support group? Check!
Short-term coaching services to normalize feelings of anxiety, offer a reality check from someone who's been there before and won't judge? Check!
Short term counseling and
In the works for 2015 are educational trainings, a new mom workshop and more.
If you're a pregnant woman or new mom, let me know by visiting my contact page or leaving a comment below if there's something you are seeking but cannot find. If it's not on my resources page, I might be able to help you find it.
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Before I had my daughter, I worked with in the non profit world with survivors of intimate partner violence, as a counselor, coordinator of a 24-hour crisis line and as the chief trainer of crisis counseling and intervention skills to over fifty volunteers and interns. My career also includes time spent in corporate America and small business. I'm attended the University of Connecticut for my undergraduate work and Southern Connecticut State University for my graduate degree in Women's Studies. Head here for my complete resume, list of recommendations or to connect with me..