Keepsakes

A recent DoubleX Gabfest episode started with a conversation around toddlers and talking. The hosts were talking with Margaret Talbot about her New Yorker article, The Talking Cure, which looks at a Providence RI program that seeks to teach lower income parents about the importance of talking to their toddlers.* The article is an interesting one but toward this segment of Gabfest, Talbot mentions more recent research by Unequal Childhoods author Annette Lareau which essentially says some upper class parents tend to be on their phones more...which is apparently just as problematic as not talking to their toddlers. Getting how mind numbing it can be to care for a a baby, my mind drifted toward the idea of keepsakes. 

Perhaps like me you kept a log early on dedicated to your baby. Mine was a simple notebook with basics (how many wet diapes, how many poopie ones) and moved into more interesting behaviors like first smiles or how long she would permit her daily tummy time. Somewhere around six months I stopped simply recording what Elisabeth did and started blogging my thoughts about her and parenting. I continued to take photos of course. Last August, I began to use the Evernote app to capture words and phrases that Elisabeth said. None of these are traditional "keepsakes" but they serve a similar purpose of helping record a life or event. 

We're inclined to take photos of our babies. Our smart phones are nearby, equipped with a more than decent camera, ready for anything. Lord knows, we pay enough each month for them, it can feel justified that they are attached to our hip! Many of us (me included) are also inclined to post  descriptions of cute things that our child did or said on various social media sites. Technology makes everything easy. Until we get lose it, break it or...it breaks us, that is. When every mom I know seems to wish for more hours in the day, "easy" is a no-brainer. Instagram, for example, is easy to use and hard to give up. It's not just a way to share a picture of with your sister three states away but also a way for you to stay in touch, see her kids playing and where she and her partner went to dinner. It's a connection. But do we need different kinds of keepsakes, other than our electronic ones?

I don't think there is one answer to that question. For some of us, no, we don't need keepsakes other than the electronic ones that we use. But for others, the answer is "yes". And I don't think it's complicated to determine which category you're in.

• Are you the DIY type? Do you like to scrapbook, write with a pen on actual paper or immerse yourself in paints, chalks, pastels? Are you at home with scissors and fabric, humming away on a project that isn't intended for public consumption? If this sounds like you, then creating a non-electronic keepsake may be a good idea.

• Are you more of an extrovert than introvert? Someone who likes being "out there"? Someone who appreciates others' shares and prefers to share with a larger number of people more often. Would you rather categorize the photos you took into albums on your computer OR print and put them into a scrapbook? If this feels more like you, then carry on with your Facebook posts, blogging and whatever else you're doing

While we might recognize bits of ourself in both "types", I think one is more like us than another. The challenge comes in owning whichever type that is and making it happen. It's never good if we find ourself acting more out of habit than true desire, if we post to Facebook when we'd really rather be writing in our journal. It's a trap we all fall into. I know I definitely do!

Do you have keepsakes of your child or children? If so, what are they? Leave a comment below. Thanks for reading.

* Research indicates that the amount you talk to your children basically depends on how much money you make. Working class families talk to their kids less, significantly less, than "professional" families do.

#newmoms group: What's Your #Postpartum Plan?

The second Saturday of each month is the free Outside The Mom Box support group for pregnant women and new moms with babies under 1 year. Each session starts with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes at the end for Q&A. Last Saturday we had post partum doula and mom, Suzanne Lee of Eno River Doula talk with us about postpartum planning. Here are a few noteworthy bits of advice from that conversation:

Suzanne started out by asking our group of five new moms and one pregnant woman about postpartum plans were or had been. We heard first from a mom of a five month old who was easily able to share some advice about her experience. "I needed to accept a lot more help than I ever had before," she shared with us. This struck me as not only self-aware but also brave. It's hard to admit that we need help, especially when new moms are often told, (subconsciously or overtly) that they should be able to do it all. I remember feeling like I should be able to do it all, in spite of having a local sister who had already been there before.

Moms talked a lot about the challenges that surfaced that we hadn't anticipated. With unexpected challenges (not being able to produce enough milk for example) then it's often easy to label ourselves as a "bad" mom, a mom who "cannot even feed her own child," as one mom told me once. We are our own worst critic. That must change when we have children. If it doesn't, our negative self-talk will spill over onto our child. Kids miss nothing. They might not have the language yet to talk about what they see but they will. They might not understand the reasoning behind our anxiety yet but they feel it now. Better to start to work on those issues now than later on when your child is way faster at noticing and adapting than the baby he is now.

One new mom reminded us that it is also helpful to be willing to let go of our preconceived ideas about baby raising. That for her was about bedsharing. But this can be true of diapering choices, formula vs. breastmilk, baby wearing or vaccination schedules. When we let go of a set idea because we realize that it is no longer serving us, we not only grow more confident as a mom but we also gain skills in the practice of responding to our baby's needs. 

We all know that family can be a blessing or, sometimes, a real curse. So as one new mom pointed out, "try to plan your visitors based on how helpful they are to you." Someone who is not as helpful or who may be higher maintenance, less independent and more needy could be told to come at twelve weeks instead of three weeks. Remember, this is the one time in your life when the world will essentially revolve around you...as long as you make your needs and wants clear!

Lastly, don't put off the inevitable: childcare for example. If you know you're going back to work, make as many arrangements in advance as you can to alleviate worries down the road. Plans can always change (see above!) but it's better to have a plan than to wing it later on when emotions are running high.

Questions? Comments? Share them by visiting my contact page or leaving your thoughts below. Thank you for reading! We will meet again Feb 14 from 2-4.  Join us!

{new post} Taking The Offered Hand

If you're a doer, you'll want to read this one.

One of my biggest challenges as a mom early on was asking for help. In truth, sometimes it was dealing with the equally difficult occasional truth of not getting the help you asked for. When it was so.damn.hard. to ask in the first place. Hence I found myself not asking very much. So I sometimes felt torn when help was offered: should I accept and with that, also accept different ways of doing things or should I turn reject the help, fearing the worst possible outcomes? It went both ways in the early days with my daughter. But not anymore.

Now, when someone offers to help with Elisabeth, I take them up on it. My sister-in-law, Dorothea, for example. She and her husband don't have any children and are busy academics but they live close by and love Elisabeth. Dorothea offered a number of times even from the early days to watch Elisabeth if we wanted to go out. We took her up on it a few times but for the past few months (since our schedules have finally synced a bit), she has been coming over at least once a week to play with Elisabeth for 2-3 hours while I run errands or take a little self-care time. It's been wonderful on so many levels. Not least of which is the fact that Elisabeth gets fresh attention from an adult who she doesn't always see. Dorothea plays with her in a different way. She's patient with reading the same story and is able to keep up a steady pace of play, chatter and stimulation until my husband or I get home. Dorothea isn't bored or burned out after a long day, as I can be on a day where there hasn't been a nap or one of us is cranky. 

My friend Anna also offered to babysit Elisabeth this past spring when she was over for dinner. She doesn't have any children either and seemed to really like Elisabeth's company. A few weeks ago when I knew I had a scheduling conflict, I emailed her and asked if she was serious about her offer to babysit. She replied back immediately that she was. We did a trial run last Sunday where she came over for a few hours to play with Elisabeth so they could get used to each other. Again, the differences of another adult watching your child are really fascinating. When Elisabeth brings me one of her mini German books to read, I explain that I can't read the German. Anna, on the other hand, "read" the German book to Elisabeth telling me later that she couldn't read the German so she just made up the story based on the pictures. Of course I could do the same and sometimes I do. But more often than not, I read for her books for my pleasure too and my impatience to know and share the "real" story often gets ahead of my willingness to improvise! Anna will come back this weekend to watch Elisabeth. 

I've come to realize that we do others and our children a disservice when we turn down help. It's like giving back a gift or downplaying a compliment that you receive. The giver feels rejected and not worthy enough and you haven't done yourself any favors either! But when you take the hand that's offered, you offer the giver a return gift: trust and vulnerability. This is so good for you (think relationship strengthening, personal growth, self-care) but it's good for your child also. Her boldness or his comfort with strangers will develop in no small part to their exposure to different scenarios, different places and different people. 

Asking for help can be a slippery slope but accepting the help that's offered is a path of support that's less painful and prone for rejection. So next time a hand comes your way, grab it!