{new post} Taking The Offered Hand

If you're a doer, you'll want to read this one.

One of my biggest challenges as a mom early on was asking for help. In truth, sometimes it was dealing with the equally difficult occasional truth of not getting the help you asked for. When it was so.damn.hard. to ask in the first place. Hence I found myself not asking very much. So I sometimes felt torn when help was offered: should I accept and with that, also accept different ways of doing things or should I turn reject the help, fearing the worst possible outcomes? It went both ways in the early days with my daughter. But not anymore.

Now, when someone offers to help with Elisabeth, I take them up on it. My sister-in-law, Dorothea, for example. She and her husband don't have any children and are busy academics but they live close by and love Elisabeth. Dorothea offered a number of times even from the early days to watch Elisabeth if we wanted to go out. We took her up on it a few times but for the past few months (since our schedules have finally synced a bit), she has been coming over at least once a week to play with Elisabeth for 2-3 hours while I run errands or take a little self-care time. It's been wonderful on so many levels. Not least of which is the fact that Elisabeth gets fresh attention from an adult who she doesn't always see. Dorothea plays with her in a different way. She's patient with reading the same story and is able to keep up a steady pace of play, chatter and stimulation until my husband or I get home. Dorothea isn't bored or burned out after a long day, as I can be on a day where there hasn't been a nap or one of us is cranky. 

My friend Anna also offered to babysit Elisabeth this past spring when she was over for dinner. She doesn't have any children either and seemed to really like Elisabeth's company. A few weeks ago when I knew I had a scheduling conflict, I emailed her and asked if she was serious about her offer to babysit. She replied back immediately that she was. We did a trial run last Sunday where she came over for a few hours to play with Elisabeth so they could get used to each other. Again, the differences of another adult watching your child are really fascinating. When Elisabeth brings me one of her mini German books to read, I explain that I can't read the German. Anna, on the other hand, "read" the German book to Elisabeth telling me later that she couldn't read the German so she just made up the story based on the pictures. Of course I could do the same and sometimes I do. But more often than not, I read for her books for my pleasure too and my impatience to know and share the "real" story often gets ahead of my willingness to improvise! Anna will come back this weekend to watch Elisabeth. 

I've come to realize that we do others and our children a disservice when we turn down help. It's like giving back a gift or downplaying a compliment that you receive. The giver feels rejected and not worthy enough and you haven't done yourself any favors either! But when you take the hand that's offered, you offer the giver a return gift: trust and vulnerability. This is so good for you (think relationship strengthening, personal growth, self-care) but it's good for your child also. Her boldness or his comfort with strangers will develop in no small part to their exposure to different scenarios, different places and different people. 

Asking for help can be a slippery slope but accepting the help that's offered is a path of support that's less painful and prone for rejection. So next time a hand comes your way, grab it! 

{new post} The Good (Enough) Mother

The above image is my daughter drinking from her water table. The good news is that I had *just* filled up the table. The bad news is that she likely would have drank it even if the water wasn't fresh. In case you were wondering, yes, she's been drinking bath water too. But I'm not going to sweat it. 

Perfect isn't going to happen with me. Rationally I know that I can't be flawless. But occasionally, and more often than I'd like to admit, I shoot for it. I make an amazing nutritious dinner, vacuum the house and change the dogs water during nap.  I wash Elisabeth's hair more than once a week and attempt to comb it immediately afterwards. I wait for my husband to start talking about his day before I dive into mine.

Most of this doesn't last longer than a few days. 

But I'm not going to aim for perfection or even "excellence" as a mother. Perfection is the enemy of "good enough". And damn, I want to be a good enough mom before I want perfection...for many reasons, not least of which is good mental health. But I also don't want my daughter to see a "perfect" mother. Someone who never fails publicly, admits she made mistakes, reverses her position on anything and then wonder why she, aka the star of her mother's universe, doesn't measure up. Perfection is the silent killer of trying new things and admitting they didn't work. And I always want my child to try new things. At 2 years old, she is truly "the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more," and I want that boldness to continue. Perfection will tamp it will down and lock the door.

And here's something else about perfection: even if the attempted pumpkin bread does turn out delicious this time, something else will inevitably happen next time or the time after that to throw a curveball into the batter. Because that's life. We can't control everything including our wishes or our child's. You can be the mom who dreams of pushing your child on a playground swing only never to do so because he hates it. You can be the parent who does all the research on an issue and your child blows it all out of the water because there is no one else like him in the world. 

So, what do I do about this silent enemy, perfectionism? I make it up as I go along. I try something new and see if it sticks. I adjust my standards and take a breath.  I come to terms with hair washed once a week because that's who Elisabeth is right now. And unless we have a lice epidemic break-out, why force her to submit to this if I don't have to? I'm trying to let go of non-essentials, practice gratitude for everything that I have and go to bed early. 

Most of the time.

And when I'm not making it up, I mentally mull over judgement calls all day long about whether or not it's worth telling my daughter "No!" or cautioning her against something.  She who remembers mine and my husband's words, as your child does too. Is my "no" about me and my perfectionist tendencies or is it really what's best for her? Most of the time, my "no" seems to be the former. Like when I'm hustling to get her into the car and she's watching a cat crossing the street. My "no, we don't have time for that," is about ME. It's my fault we are running late because I shouldn't have tried to make cookies, do another load of laundry, and clean up the toys on the floor before we left the house.  That's the crazy-making and anxiety-inducing behavior behind perfectionism.

Every day we are teaching our babies something. And the unreal thing is that it is often invisible. The invisibility factor makes mothering all the harder. So let's not create more work for ourselves, moms. Let's give up the pursuit of perfect for good enough, do the best we can, and love everyone around us.

{new post} Not the usual song & dance: #MusicTogether

When we were in Germany last summer, a friend of my husband's had spent a year in Santa Cruz with his family when his children were younger. One of the activities that the younger ones did with mama was to attend a Music Together class series. He loaned me one of the CDs ("Summer Songs") and we were hooked. 

When we came back, I Googled classes nearby to us and found Olivia Singleton of Liv and Sing. We took classes with Olivia and a steady crew of other mamas/papas & kids for 9 months. Needless to say that we all loved them! The songs are catchy, sweet and easy for this non-musical mama to remember. Each song comes with a fun finger play, activities (waving scarves, shaking a tambourine, etc.) and there is non-stop action for 45 minutes.

Music Together song from Elizabeth Johnson on Vimeo.

What I liked best:

• Olivia's energy is fabulous! She can get silly with the best of them even though her kids are grown. She is also very creative. No two classes are the same.
• Kids from all ages are welcome. Bring your toddler and your newborn. Bring just your toddler! We start the September after Elisabeth turned  1 (summer baby!)  and stopped when she was almost 2. Other kids were around our age.
• We received a booklet and 2 (!) CDs for us with our registration fee. We always listen to one of the CDs in the car and Elisabeth now asks to fast forward or skip a song. And of course, there's never any NPR for me. Shouts of "no radio" from the back rule this roost!
• Elisabeth breaks into song at the drop of a hat whether it is an old favorite remade ("Pop Goes the Weasel") or a new one ("Fire Truck, Fire Truck") (see video to the left for a few lines of that one!), these classes have helped teach her language and memorization.
• We dance! This came toward the end but Elisabeth now taps her feet, dances around and skips when music comes on. Or when she starts singing! The physical activity was super helpful to get the crazies out and tire us out for bedtime.
• I met wonderful new moms. My class was all moms, most of the time, although others had dads. Those moms are ones that we meet today on (somewhat) of a regular basis. IT was really good for me to know we were headed somewhere that would entertain my daughter but also where I could get my social needs met.
• Speaking of chatting, there's a playground closely so we sometimes arrived early and chatted with other families who did the same. And sometimes we stayed late!

I cannot recommend these class enough! Olivia is old school: no website but she has a sweet Facebook page here. She has free demonstrations scheduled in South Durham for September 8 and 15th at 3 and 4 pm. The "semester" starts 9/22.  The cost of the class is $125 (I think!) and runs for ten weeks. It's worth every penny. I had been to a Kinder Musik class with my niece when she was small and wasn't impressed. Music Together is the real thing! 

{new post} Visiting the library

When I saw this graphic last week, I was horrified...and inspired. I've always been a big reader and continue to spend copious amounts of time at the local library, bookstore or on Amazon seeking out books with and for Elisabeth. Reading is the kind of adventure that can (and should) start early. And what easier way to get going than to head to your local library?

Our local libraries are wonderful places to find new books, yes, but also to take in developmentally appropriate programs for our babies. Elisabeth and I attended Baby Lapsit story time on Wednesday mornings with Miss Amy at the Southwest branch of Durham County Library from about 7 months to almost 2 years. We've only recently stopped going because she wants to be outside. Lapsit story time for babies and toddlers includes finger plays, songs ("Itsy Bitsy Spider", anyone?), one real story and plenty of free playtime. It's really a lot of fun. Library programs are always free and a great way to connect with other new moms.

After your library program is over, head over early and check out a few books before the program begins. There are "regular" kids books but also stacks of board books that may be worn around the edges but are still a great way to add a little variety into your reading routine. Young babies love contrasty colors and simple images so look for some fun black and white board books that will captivate them. Older babies will enjoy the singsongy sentences in even something like _Little Blue Truck_, _Tumble Bumble_ or _Roadwork_. They don't need to "get" the whole story line. Early exposure to language is essential for their future learning and language skills, as this recent NPR piece points out.

As your baby gets older,  let him or her take the lead on the library adventures: returning the books in the dropbox slot, "helping" check the books out, choosing a spot to sit for story time, etc. Of course this also includes them choosing their own books. It's always fun to plop that older baby or toddler down in the book area and watch what they pull off the shelf!

Ever said to yourself, "That book sounds interesting, I'll have to check that out" and then forget to order the book or decide you didn't want to spend the money? I sure do! Your local library can also locate books that they don't own. Inter-library loans are useful for adult books but they also "work" for kids books too. I often "test" books via interlibrary loan before I buy them so I can make sure that I definitely want to spend the money.

So head to the library this week and let me know how it goes. Leave your thoughts on this or pretty much anything below. And thank you for reading.