{Guest post} Thoughts on Observing A Support Group

Shante' Speed is a public health education student at North Carolina Central University: "I have been interning with Ms. Elizabeth Johnson to better improve my own knowledge of how past abuse affects the health and wellness of women. I will be graduating in December as an entry-level health educator." 

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I started this internship to gain a better understanding of what it means to be a health educator in the real world. Ms. Elizabeth assigned me various tasks to improve my overall knowledge and understanding of how abuse affects survivors. As part of my internship, I was given the amazing opportunity to silently observe Ms. Elizabeth Johnson’s peer-led sexual abuse survivor support group sessions, over the course of eight weeks. 

This specific survivor support group consisted of eight women, all from various backgrounds, professions and age groups; despite their differences there was never any division among the group or a time where the ladies could not understand or relate to what each other was going through or experiencing.  I always felt welcomed and like a part of the group as I silently agreed, laughed or sympathized with each experience or emotion shared. I grew more inspired with each group as the women would trustingly share their vulnerabilities and have them reciprocated in a positive way. Each group session was unique but I especially loved how the ladies were always able to give one another encouragement, motivation and even advice. I was able to see transformations in each of the ladies over the eight weeks, an example of this is how these wonderful ladies were often able to joke and laugh together about progressions that they have made or about situations that at one point would have made them cry. They would share their struggles from week to week and whether or not it was related to their past abuse they could all relate through commonalities in their own lives. 

I do not identify as an abuse survivor but many times I was able to find my own commonalities with this group of women related to trust issues, uncertainty, and setting personal boundaries. This made me more aware of the fact that even though we all go through different experiences and have different struggles, regardless of age, race, or socioeconomic background; we are all trying our best to get through life and we all learn as we go, no one is perfect. Observation of a support group taught me that the most important part of being a health educator is to genuinely care and respect any population that you work with. 

Another thing that made this experience invaluable for me as a health educator is that this group reminded me to not be so quick to judge others or their actions because they may literally be doing the best that they know how or can at that time with what they have. Yes, being a health educator means being professional but you must also be able to relate to others, be relatable and understand how they feel--not judging the people you work with is very much a part of that! I can honestly say that each survivor, including Ms. Elizabeth, has taught me that being a health educator is not always about finding a solution and fixing a problem, sometimes it is about just listening and being there for others and asking them what they need or want from you so you can better help them to improve their health. 

Ms. Elizabeth has taught me that being a health educator is so much more than the seven roles and responsibilities and that I am able to help improve the health of those around me in non-traditional ways. We cannot understand or know what someone has been through or is going through by simply looking at them from the outside. By allowing me to observe these group sessions these ladies have given me insight and awareness that I could never get from any book or classroom. 

Note from Elizabeth: my next sexual abuse survivor support group begins in January 2017. It will be free, open to female survivors of sexual trauma and held in Durham. Click here to let me know of your interest.

#bookreview: The Village Effect by Susan Pinker

I'm a huge fan of The Diane Rehm Show which airs weekdays on WUNC from 10-12. Ms. Rehm always has the best guests talking about topics that I'm interested in and the show on community in August  was no exception. That day one of her guests was author Susan Pinker. Pinker's new book is called The Village Effect: How Face-To-Face Contact Can Make Us Healthier, Happier, and Smarter. Totally up my community-minded alley, right? Here's my review.

In short, I love this book. That's (almost) all you need to know. Seriously. But if you must know more about the why and determine whether or not you must read this book (yes), keep reading.

Introverts might not like this book. In The Village Effect Pinker is essentially saying your connection with others is what determines health and happiness. And not just your connection with your family, although that's part of it. Your connection to the broader world including family but also friends, co-workers, neighbors, other church members, book club buddies, fellow gym rats, etc. Other people are not "hell" but vital ingredients for a happy, healthy life.

The Village Effect looks at moms relationship with babies, teens and screen time, charming swindlers, sufferers from chronic disease and others as she delves into how the inter-personal contact that we have influences us. Pinker explores why dining with friends feels good to us (provided they are the “right” friends!), how pregnancy can actually be contagious, why kangaroo care is so good for mom and baby and what is about men dying more frequently after the death of their wife than women do after their husband dies.

Pinker closes this must-read by looking at how we can create the village effect in our own lives. Some of that list that I think are the most pertinent for moms, especially new moms, are: “create a village of diverse relationships” and “adjust the ratio of face-to-face to screen communication, according to your temperament, just as you adjust how much and what you eat according to your appetite”. I say “pertinent” because new moms are still coming to terms with our changing identity. So “diverse relationships” and “face-to-face time" take on new meanings and I think, increased importance. Being a new mom can be very isolating. If you were hesitant before about joining a group or making new mom friends, Pinker’s book shows us just how important it is for us to be with other people.

Speaking of face-to-face time, Toddler Group starts Saturday January 3. Join a new community (along with your toddler!) and a small group of other moms for 6 sessions as we sort out toddlering together, with plenty of resources, support, community and self-care along the way. 

3 questions about Toddler Group

Update 12/4/14: Toddler Group will start January 3 not December 6! There's still time to join us!

I've fielded a few questions offline about Toddler Group. My theory is that if someone has a question, someone else is thinking the same thing. So I thought I would take a moment and respond to those here.

"What am I paying for in Toddler Group? What do I get?"

Toddlers are tricky little creatures. Babies are sweet and while they might occasionally make us crazy with worry or their crying, we know that they aren't deliberately pushing our buttons. Toddlers, on the other hand, actively test boundaries and their own skills and push our buttons often. In Toddler Group, you get resources, ideas, support and education as you navigate through the often seemingly nonsensical world of your toddler(s) You also get a place to vent, share the overwhelm, make new friends, build community and be non-judgementally supported by moms who are going through the same thing. I think it's a rare bundle. 

"Why isn't this group free like New Mamas Group is?"  

I wish I could say differently but Toddler Group was not my idea! It came from moms who had attended New Mamas group. Because it wasn't part of my business plan to offer a new program, I need to charge for it so I can cover additional costs that are associated with me hosting another group. Costs like childcare, time away from my own toddler, energy to market this offering. When asked by moms I know to offer a program or service, it is really important to me that I do it if I can.

"I'm not sold. How else can you convince me?"

I don't want anyone to be "sold" on this program. If it resonates you, wonderful! If not, that's okay...for whatever reason.

I should mention who Toddler Group is not a good fit for:

Toddler Group is not for you if: you have a hard time supporting other moms' choices whether that is extended breastfeeding or homeschooling.

Toddler Group is not for you if: you are looking for a "platform" or "forum" to use as a way to convince others of your parenting choices. 

Toddler Group is not for you if: you're not willing to be honest with yourself, if you have a hard time being authentic with others or if you won't be able to "show up" as an imperfect, open-minded mom in our group. 

Toddler Group is a closed, time-limited group meaning once it starts, new moms aren't allowed in. Because this group will be small and not structured around a set-in-advance topic but is participant-driven, there is more one-on-one attention. But also because the group will be small, it is important that the moms really be able to support and encourage each other. That has been an unusual blessing in New Mamas Group: the lack of judgement and the warm support. I want that to continue in this group.

Update Tuesday 12/2/14: Due to a cancellation, I need minimum three more moms in order for Toddler Group to run. If you're interested, register here. 

{new post} #newmoms group: understanding #postpartum #moods

The second Saturday of each month is the free Outside The Mom Box support group for new moms with babies under 1 year. Each session starts with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes for Q&A, then close. For November, we had local therapist and mom, Aimee Vandemark talk with us about understanding our postpartum moods. Here are a few noteworthy snippets from that conversation:

Aimee started our conversation off by sharing a story of an experience she had with her own young children. She asked herself in that moment and to us on Saturday to consider, "what does it mean to have another being call us "mom"?". That question segued into a conversation on how personal identity shifts for us during the postpartum period. Our identity as a woman shifts so much as soon as we become a mother. New moods, feelings or other different emotions can become a new norm. But when should we pay attention to those new feelings and when can we accept and move on?

What does postpartum depression look like? There are lots of different emotions or feelings that go into the mix (overwhelm, guilty, confusion, irritation, anger, sadness, numbness, etc.), Aimee told us. One mom commented, "that felt like Tuesday!". I know the feeling! So how do we know if we should be concerned? Aimee said that the intensity and duration of those feelings is really crucial to pay attention to. Thinking about duration: were they happening on Tuesday or for the past two weeks? And when examining intensity, it's important to consider how those feelings are affecting your life: are you able to get through the day? And perhaps find that things are better the next day? Or do you find yourself so overwhelmed that even basic daily tasks feel impossible? 

One of our new moms who has struggled with depression in the past shared that our partners can serve as a good reality check for our emotional health. What a good point! Our partners are the people who know us best in the world. If they are noticing that we are different or that our behavior seems problematic or concerning, then that is absolutely something worth pay attention to. 

In addition to awareness from our partners, Aimee said that our own self-awareness is a really important skill to develop. And that may be fine-tuning, instead, if it's been a while since we've been in touch with how we're feeling about things. Issues like anxiety, depression, sadness don't go away in pregnancy or even after we have our child/children. It's important for our emotional health as well as the health of our entire family that we are self-aware.

With self-awareness, ideally, goes action. So if we are feeling overwhelmed by some of the mood swings that we have going on during the postpartum period, or otherwise, we need to reach out for help and support. Help and support can include: self-care, groups like this new moms group, time talking to a professional like Aimee, connecting with other new moms or even adjustments to schedule, parenting responsibilities. And self-compassion.

I often focus on self-care as an important piece for new moms to practice getting into the habit of but Aimee reminded us that self-compassion is just as important. Self-compassion is just what it sounds like: letting ourselves off the hook sometimes. Talk ourselves the way that we would talk to our child, to at minimum a stranger. Compassion for ourselves can look as "simple" as putting away the parenting books that are causing anxiety, talking yourself out of a negative "tape" that's playing in your mind, or reaching out to someone who has been a supporter of you, to give you a reality check.

Questions? Comments? Share them by visiting my contact page or leaving your thoughts below.

For more information on postpartum mood disorders, please visit my page on mothering and mental health. Thank you for reading! On the calendar for next month: travel with baby! Join us on Saturday December 13 from 2-4 pm.