S'mother Love

Two nights ago, I said to my husband, "I just want to go to bed early so I can get up to go to the gym at 5:00!". This statement came as we listened to Elisabeth cry outside her bedroom door. It was 9:15. I hesitated going in because I knew I'd be trapped, cramped into a twin bed beside her, until she fell asleep. Waffling for another half minute, I finally went in.

One of the biggest challenges that I have as a mom is reconciling my needs with what my daughter needs. Almost three, Elisabeth reacts strongly to certain situations, seemingly without rhyme or reason, and in turn, I feel frustrated and resentful. This is certainly normal and par for the course for the age. And yet, I should be able to pee when I need to...or go to bed early...or leave the house wearing the shoes I'd planned to. Should. Because no matter how good your planning or intentions, things can sometimes come to an agonizing halt when an older toddler lives in your house. 

"I think I can, I think I can..."

When you're determined to do something you desperately want, it can be almost physically painful to not be able to do it. As a mom, I feel like I've been in that spot a lot recently. And no, it's not impossible to get up at 5:00 for the gym if you go to bed late. But I work hard not to scrabble through days, living from a place of personal deficiency. Less than seven hours of sleep is too little for me if I need to get up at 5:00. I know that. It's too little and it's also not sustainable. 

So, what do you do? Two nights ago, I gave up. I went into her bedroom and hoped for a speedy exit. I was lucky. But other times, I haven't been. Not being able to depend on luck, I have to fall back on options. I always have those. One option is to ask for help from my husband before I get to the resentful stage. Having a second person step in to distract, soothe the wound-up child can be a gamechanger for everyone's mood. Another option is to do it anyway: go to the bathroom, deny her chocolate, wear the shoes I'd planned, even if Elisabeth is having a breakdown about it. I won't let her sob, gasping for breath alone in the dark but I will eat when I'm hungry, dammit!

Even if the littles in our lives don't get it, we moms have certain rights. I may not have the right to go to the gym when I please but I do have the right to eat breakfast. But let's not confuse those rights with self-care! Breakfast isn't self-care; it's our right as a working mom who needs energy to care for her children. How we choose to claim those rights is up to us. Like so much else with children, this is another "pick your battle" type-adventure.

What options do you have that you aren't exercising?

Gendered Childhood

Relatively speaking, gendering childhood doesn't seem as big of a deal as say, childhood sexual abuse. So it seems silly and a bit frivolous to talk about how problematic it is that our society (including friends and family) points parents to a specific color (pink), identity (princess), brand or toy dependent on whether or not we have a girl or boy child. So, instead of unpacking this concept, let me show you an example of what I mean:

Send the "availability" message early...at age 6 months at your local Buy Buy Baby!

...and if that's not enough, we have an all-boy or all-girl diaper selection at my local Harris Teeter. Could I find a pull-up that wasn't blue, pink or with a Disney character on it? Nope.

This is a problem. (Okay, I will talk about it.) What's the issue? some parents might ask. I love pink, others might add. I love pink too. So much so that my first company logo was pink...and brown. I do love pink. But I'm also an adult with access and awareness of other colors and choices.

The problem with gendering childhood is complicated but for me, boils down to two things. The first is about choice. When there is a lack of choice (a plain white size 5 diaper for example) choosing becomes an access and privilege issue. I can order Seventh Generation pull-ups from Amazon, a brand of diaper we've used since Elisabeth was born. They will come "free and clear", not only from chemicals but also from colors and branding. But that's a privilege. They are more expensive than the pink or blue Huggies. Money shouldn't dictate access, although we know that it does, as anyone who has ever looked at preschool for their child is aware.

Something else makes a product good enough for this mom to buy: inclusion of dads as parents who also care about kids' teeth.

The second issue that I have with gendering childhood is that gendering is stereotyping. When we stereotype, we miss who someone really is. Stereotypes limit our vision both for ourselves (what we can see of someone else) and for others (who they truly are). They are ultimately about inequality. When we pigeonhole people, in this case, children, it greatly limits their ability to express themselves. To be who they truly are. There's nothing good about that.

When Elisabeth is not singing or banging on something, she enjoys playing with dinosaurs (just ask her what Baryonyx used to eat!), jumping in puddles and getting her hands dirty. She also likes putting her dolls to sleep in her big girl bed or our couch, covering them up and saying quietly, "I'm here, I'm here,". Is she a "typical" girl? I don't know and don't care. What I do care about is making sure Elisabeth knows that she is accepted and loved for who she is. That means extra time to find sneakers without glitter and clothes that allow her to actually play in them. I'll do it because its important to me and I have the privilege of extra time and money for things that are important for our family. But I shouldn't have to. No one should.

3 questions about Toddler Group

Update 12/4/14: Toddler Group will start January 3 not December 6! There's still time to join us!

I've fielded a few questions offline about Toddler Group. My theory is that if someone has a question, someone else is thinking the same thing. So I thought I would take a moment and respond to those here.

"What am I paying for in Toddler Group? What do I get?"

Toddlers are tricky little creatures. Babies are sweet and while they might occasionally make us crazy with worry or their crying, we know that they aren't deliberately pushing our buttons. Toddlers, on the other hand, actively test boundaries and their own skills and push our buttons often. In Toddler Group, you get resources, ideas, support and education as you navigate through the often seemingly nonsensical world of your toddler(s) You also get a place to vent, share the overwhelm, make new friends, build community and be non-judgementally supported by moms who are going through the same thing. I think it's a rare bundle. 

"Why isn't this group free like New Mamas Group is?"  

I wish I could say differently but Toddler Group was not my idea! It came from moms who had attended New Mamas group. Because it wasn't part of my business plan to offer a new program, I need to charge for it so I can cover additional costs that are associated with me hosting another group. Costs like childcare, time away from my own toddler, energy to market this offering. When asked by moms I know to offer a program or service, it is really important to me that I do it if I can.

"I'm not sold. How else can you convince me?"

I don't want anyone to be "sold" on this program. If it resonates you, wonderful! If not, that's okay...for whatever reason.

I should mention who Toddler Group is not a good fit for:

Toddler Group is not for you if: you have a hard time supporting other moms' choices whether that is extended breastfeeding or homeschooling.

Toddler Group is not for you if: you are looking for a "platform" or "forum" to use as a way to convince others of your parenting choices. 

Toddler Group is not for you if: you're not willing to be honest with yourself, if you have a hard time being authentic with others or if you won't be able to "show up" as an imperfect, open-minded mom in our group. 

Toddler Group is a closed, time-limited group meaning once it starts, new moms aren't allowed in. Because this group will be small and not structured around a set-in-advance topic but is participant-driven, there is more one-on-one attention. But also because the group will be small, it is important that the moms really be able to support and encourage each other. That has been an unusual blessing in New Mamas Group: the lack of judgement and the warm support. I want that to continue in this group.

Update Tuesday 12/2/14: Due to a cancellation, I need minimum three more moms in order for Toddler Group to run. If you're interested, register here. 

Touching a Tree

Note: I'm on Thanksgiving break this week so I'm offering up a post that I wrote when my daughter was almost one year. A little food for thought this Thanksgiving week. Enjoy!

We touched a tree today.

It was the remaining large willow oak that guards our house like a centurion from another era.  Which it is, really. Its sister came down almost two years ago after much research, tears and fears...of broken limbs crashing through bedroom windows. This sole surviving sister seems hale, though, and up to the task of guardian.

Elisabeth and I were a bit bored as we waited for Lindsey to come around the corner.  We were ready for an adventure and so I thought starting small would be a good first step.  She is little and big things are mesmerizing. I lifted her up and she reached out her hand. If I was more adept, I could have captured the moment on film. A tiny hand pressed up against the gummy, thick as rope, bark of one hundred plus year old tree. I touched it too. It was surprisingly cool. The bark, its skin, was so strong and had a gritty smell that I wanted to bottle for another day. We looked at each other, then at our hands on the bark. Lastly, we looked up. Her massive canopy of leaves, so full and dense shielded our faces from the sky. It was the kind of roof that you'd have in a treehouse.

It's truly the small things that rock our worlds.

 When do we ever stop to smell the lilacs, to touch a tree, to collect a stone that strikes our fancy as we happen to glance down? Not often enough, even if you are with a toddler. Yeah, we all need to do it more.

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Does this sound like your toddler? Fascinated by little things but not yet ready to tackle them alone? Join my Toddler Group starting December 6 and learn more about yourself and him.