Why You Should Ditch The People Who Say "get over it"

Abuse isn't something to "get over".

You were hurt. It was painful and horrible, not fair. You didn't deserve it. It wasn't your fault. You have the right to be angry, mournful, actively sad or any emotion at all about what happened.

Don't let anyone try to rob you of your feelings about the abuse. People who say "get over it" or ask when you will be over it, are attempting to control you to make themselves more comfortable. They have no right to do that.

Don't let them control you.

You are fine, just as you are. And if you are not fine, you should consider getting making changes so you aren't feel healthier. You deserve that. People people minimizing your experiences or your feelings are not worthy of you.

Remember The First Best Thing and go from there when you're building (or dismantling) relationships.

"Dark Side of the Full Moon" - film + discussion

On Friday night, I headed to Cary to see Dark Side of the Full Moon, a new documentary produced by two moms about postpartum mood disorders. Local new mom resources, Postpartum Education and Support offered the film as a fundraiser and a post-film discussion panel which was moderated by yours truly. 

First, a few thoughts on the film itself. I was sent the a link to see the whole film before Friday night. I'm glad I did. Dark Side can be shocking in points, even to someone who didn't suffer from a postpartum mood disorder. Interspersed in the film are past news stories about moms like Andrea Yates and Cynthia Wachenheim who had either killed their children and/or killed themselves. As one member of the audience pointed out during the panel, these news stories are problematic because they exclusively portray postpartum psychosis which is at the other end of the postpartum mood disorder spectrum. Postpartum psychosis only affects about 1 in 1000 women, about 1%. Postpartum depression or anxiety however is much more common, affecting 15-20% of women. In spite of this (and the sometimes overly dramatic "is this really how it is?" refrain that Maureen and Jennifer often utter incredulously) Dark Side of the Full Moon offers an authentic exploration of the number one complication of childbirth that no one really wants to own. It's well worth seeing.

As good, if not better than the movie, was the discussion panel after the movie. Yes, I moderated it but I was truly blown away by both the honesty of the panelists as well as the insightful audience questions. We had an OB/GYN, the former medical director of the UNC Perinatal Mood Disorders Clinic now in private practice, a physicatric physician assistant and new mom, a mom ppd survivor and a clinical social worker who facilitated a postpartum support group for twenty years. They were an impressive group. Not just because of titles and experience but mainly because of their honesty. The audience heard about ER docs who didn't know about UNC Perinatal Mood Disorders Clinic 6-8 months after it had opened. We learned about pediatricians who follow more of a "don't ask, don't tell" policy with new moms even though we all know a new mom's mental health has an impact on a baby's success. One panelist admires the centering pregnancy model and wishes that was more prevalent in our area as a way to build community, support and trust into prenatal care. Audience members worried about socio-economic gaps for new moms, as many of the moms featured in the movie were employed and in better financial shape than poor moms, "what's being done for them?" she asked. (Socio economic status is a risk factor for postpartum depression.) Collectively, we talked about the bar being raised so high for new moms and how that can exacerbate the isolation and loneliness that new moms can feel.

Perhaps the best question of the night, however, came when an audience member asked panelists if they were to wave a magic wand to help fix some of these issues, what would they choose to do? One panelist thought separating OBs from GYNs would be a good idea. Paid maternity leave was suggested, by the sole male panelist. "Being the main breadwinner exacerbated my symptoms," one woman said. Another panelist wished for communities to rally around each other and neighbors to get involved and check in on new moms, families. More training and interaction between OBs and psychiatrists was also suggested. 

It was a remarkable evening. But if you did miss out on this showing and you'd like still like to see the film, there is a screening coming up May 1 in Chapel Hill. Head here for details on that and other showings nationwide.

A #Durham resource for #families: Diaper Bank of North Carolina

In today's post I wanted to share a local resource that might be known to readers, even if they are local-

Did you know 1 in 3 families has a diaper need?

A diaper need means that a family with a child in diapers does not have enough money to keep that child in clean diapers. Diapers are expensive...costing more than $100 per baby/child. New moms know how fast they can burn through diapers, especially with newborns! The double whammy is that not only are diapers expensive but they aren't covered by any federal assistance programs like WIC or food stamps. Here in North Carolina, the need is significant. Our state ranks 39th in the US for child poverty which means we have a lot of families that need help diapering their kids!

The Diaper Bank of North Carolina is a local organization started in 2013 by Durham mom and child welfare advocate, Michelle Old. Like one of my other favorite organizations, Dress for Success Triangle, The Diaper Bank does not just hand out diapers to moms who come to the door. They work with partner agencies who then get those diapers into the hands of moms that need them.

Diapers are a big deal. Just imagine the heartache and stress that a new mom would feel when she goes to change her baby and notices that she's on her last diaper...and doesn't know when, where and how she would get more. It's hard just to type that sentence! That's on top of other common new mom stressors and socio-economic stressors. 

If you have any extra that your child has outgrown, would you consider giving them to Diaper Bank of North Carolina? You can also bring them to my office and I'll bring them to Michelle and her team at Diaper Bank. If you're coming to an upcoming New Moms group or Toddler group, I can take them off your hands then too. #DiaperOn! Thank you.

{new post} #newmoms group: understanding #postpartum #moods

The second Saturday of each month is the free Outside The Mom Box support group for new moms with babies under 1 year. Each session starts with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes for Q&A, then close. For November, we had local therapist and mom, Aimee Vandemark talk with us about understanding our postpartum moods. Here are a few noteworthy snippets from that conversation:

Aimee started our conversation off by sharing a story of an experience she had with her own young children. She asked herself in that moment and to us on Saturday to consider, "what does it mean to have another being call us "mom"?". That question segued into a conversation on how personal identity shifts for us during the postpartum period. Our identity as a woman shifts so much as soon as we become a mother. New moods, feelings or other different emotions can become a new norm. But when should we pay attention to those new feelings and when can we accept and move on?

What does postpartum depression look like? There are lots of different emotions or feelings that go into the mix (overwhelm, guilty, confusion, irritation, anger, sadness, numbness, etc.), Aimee told us. One mom commented, "that felt like Tuesday!". I know the feeling! So how do we know if we should be concerned? Aimee said that the intensity and duration of those feelings is really crucial to pay attention to. Thinking about duration: were they happening on Tuesday or for the past two weeks? And when examining intensity, it's important to consider how those feelings are affecting your life: are you able to get through the day? And perhaps find that things are better the next day? Or do you find yourself so overwhelmed that even basic daily tasks feel impossible? 

One of our new moms who has struggled with depression in the past shared that our partners can serve as a good reality check for our emotional health. What a good point! Our partners are the people who know us best in the world. If they are noticing that we are different or that our behavior seems problematic or concerning, then that is absolutely something worth pay attention to. 

In addition to awareness from our partners, Aimee said that our own self-awareness is a really important skill to develop. And that may be fine-tuning, instead, if it's been a while since we've been in touch with how we're feeling about things. Issues like anxiety, depression, sadness don't go away in pregnancy or even after we have our child/children. It's important for our emotional health as well as the health of our entire family that we are self-aware.

With self-awareness, ideally, goes action. So if we are feeling overwhelmed by some of the mood swings that we have going on during the postpartum period, or otherwise, we need to reach out for help and support. Help and support can include: self-care, groups like this new moms group, time talking to a professional like Aimee, connecting with other new moms or even adjustments to schedule, parenting responsibilities. And self-compassion.

I often focus on self-care as an important piece for new moms to practice getting into the habit of but Aimee reminded us that self-compassion is just as important. Self-compassion is just what it sounds like: letting ourselves off the hook sometimes. Talk ourselves the way that we would talk to our child, to at minimum a stranger. Compassion for ourselves can look as "simple" as putting away the parenting books that are causing anxiety, talking yourself out of a negative "tape" that's playing in your mind, or reaching out to someone who has been a supporter of you, to give you a reality check.

Questions? Comments? Share them by visiting my contact page or leaving your thoughts below.

For more information on postpartum mood disorders, please visit my page on mothering and mental health. Thank you for reading! On the calendar for next month: travel with baby! Join us on Saturday December 13 from 2-4 pm.