Going Bigger in #2015

 I think moms need to go bigger in 2015. Let's get louder about the things that are important to us. The things that get in our way on a daily basis from being the best we can be, including our most productive! Even if they aren't socially acceptable to talk about or make people feel uncomfortable.

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{new post} #newmoms group: understanding #postpartum #moods

The second Saturday of each month is the free Outside The Mom Box support group for new moms with babies under 1 year. Each session starts with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes for Q&A, then close. For November, we had local therapist and mom, Aimee Vandemark talk with us about understanding our postpartum moods. Here are a few noteworthy snippets from that conversation:

Aimee started our conversation off by sharing a story of an experience she had with her own young children. She asked herself in that moment and to us on Saturday to consider, "what does it mean to have another being call us "mom"?". That question segued into a conversation on how personal identity shifts for us during the postpartum period. Our identity as a woman shifts so much as soon as we become a mother. New moods, feelings or other different emotions can become a new norm. But when should we pay attention to those new feelings and when can we accept and move on?

What does postpartum depression look like? There are lots of different emotions or feelings that go into the mix (overwhelm, guilty, confusion, irritation, anger, sadness, numbness, etc.), Aimee told us. One mom commented, "that felt like Tuesday!". I know the feeling! So how do we know if we should be concerned? Aimee said that the intensity and duration of those feelings is really crucial to pay attention to. Thinking about duration: were they happening on Tuesday or for the past two weeks? And when examining intensity, it's important to consider how those feelings are affecting your life: are you able to get through the day? And perhaps find that things are better the next day? Or do you find yourself so overwhelmed that even basic daily tasks feel impossible? 

One of our new moms who has struggled with depression in the past shared that our partners can serve as a good reality check for our emotional health. What a good point! Our partners are the people who know us best in the world. If they are noticing that we are different or that our behavior seems problematic or concerning, then that is absolutely something worth pay attention to. 

In addition to awareness from our partners, Aimee said that our own self-awareness is a really important skill to develop. And that may be fine-tuning, instead, if it's been a while since we've been in touch with how we're feeling about things. Issues like anxiety, depression, sadness don't go away in pregnancy or even after we have our child/children. It's important for our emotional health as well as the health of our entire family that we are self-aware.

With self-awareness, ideally, goes action. So if we are feeling overwhelmed by some of the mood swings that we have going on during the postpartum period, or otherwise, we need to reach out for help and support. Help and support can include: self-care, groups like this new moms group, time talking to a professional like Aimee, connecting with other new moms or even adjustments to schedule, parenting responsibilities. And self-compassion.

I often focus on self-care as an important piece for new moms to practice getting into the habit of but Aimee reminded us that self-compassion is just as important. Self-compassion is just what it sounds like: letting ourselves off the hook sometimes. Talk ourselves the way that we would talk to our child, to at minimum a stranger. Compassion for ourselves can look as "simple" as putting away the parenting books that are causing anxiety, talking yourself out of a negative "tape" that's playing in your mind, or reaching out to someone who has been a supporter of you, to give you a reality check.

Questions? Comments? Share them by visiting my contact page or leaving your thoughts below.

For more information on postpartum mood disorders, please visit my page on mothering and mental health. Thank you for reading! On the calendar for next month: travel with baby! Join us on Saturday December 13 from 2-4 pm.

{new post} September #newmoms group: #bodyimage

The second Saturday of each month is the Outside The Mom Box support group for new moms. Each session starts out with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes for Q&A, then close. Our topic this month was "body image.  Here are a few noteworthy snippets from that conversation:

We started by talking about where we get our ideas about body come from: media, tv and film, celebrities, internet including social media, friends, family and also "hidden" places like healthcare providers. Everyone agreed that after a celebrity's body looked exactly the same as it did before she had the baby and how totally unrealistic that was. Since we don't live on an island, these influences are around all of us constantly which make them harder to ignore.

One of the moms shared her thoughts on how breast-feeding changes our perspective on body image. On one hand we're feeding a baby so breasts are bigger and on the other hand, our breasts are bigger because we are feeding a baby. Sooo, does that make them / us more or less sexy? And it can be equally befuddling to our partners when our magnificent breasts are so functional instead of just "sexy", as we know they "should" be.

Feeling sexy is harder now, most moms agreed. We have stretch marks, stitches or scars from a csection, wrinkles, leftover weight, even milk spraying breasts occasionally. And with all of that goes the usual baby accompaniments, which can mean nursing bras or camis constantly. Also Lilly Padz, more comfy clothes, middle of the night feedings, etc. 

The moms who come to these groups always offer the most insightful comments, one of which I thought was right on: for her, being a new mom is harder on the body than being pregnant. I completely agree with this and others did too. And this makes perfect sense doesn't it? Even aside from the physical exertions that your body goes through everyday with your baby (I remember my wrists bent at a brutal right angle when I held my daughter in the early days. That pain alone was something I wasn't prepared for!), there are also so many social pressures for new moms. Let's make a list of some of those:

  1. "to be Facebook ready two days after labor,"
  2. Lose that baby weight as quickly as Jessica Alba did (no corsets, please!);
  3. Be in love with your baby, even though you might not be; 
  4. Or maybe just be grateful that you have a health baby...no matter if your labor and delivery was traumatic.

There are also subliminal social pressures that affect our perspective on our own body image too; to not only breastfeed but make it look as easy, beautiful and "natural" as Olivia Wilde does for example.

Don't get me wrong: there are absolutely physical and social pressures on pregnant women (to not gain too much weight, not to drink or indulge in a Pumpkin Spice Latte, etc.) but I believe that physical and social pressures related to new moms and body image are longer lasting and, because of that they can penetrate our thoughts and self-esteem in more damaging ways.

So many factors influence how body image for new moms. Here are a couple of ways that we can fight those destructive message and keep our body image as heathy as possible:

  1. Be realistic. Set yourself up for small success, like daily walks instead of huge goals like joining a gym when both time and money can be factors. Move yourself to activity when you're ready to not because you're supposed to or you feel pressured but because it's good for your mental health, in addition to physical health.
  2. Be with people in person, more than online. Face to face connection is essential for our good health, yes, but face to face, like this free monthly group, is also a reality check. Not all new moms look like (insert your favorite celebrity new mom here!).
  3. Practice Gratitude. Your body may not look like it did before you were pregnant but your body is where your baby feels safest and most loved. Your body may also be feeding another little being too. Not too shabby!
  4. Remind yourself that You are Enough. Just as you are.  And if you forget? Don't look any further than your baby. The way s/he looks at you may be just the reminder you need.

For Durham area new moms, our next gathering is October 11, 2-4 pm. Once again, we will be at my office at 1200 Broad Street, Suite 104, in Durham. RSVPs are not required! Have a suggestion for our October topic, leave me a comment below.  Thanks for reading.