How to Look Good in a Bathing Suit

The woman at the gym was at least 10 years younger than I. She was tall and thin and wore two pairs of shorts: a spandex kind and a running type. I hadn't noticed it at first but she was tugging on the spandex as she climbed onto the treadmill. Her legs were as beautiful as she was but that wasn't enough.

A woman came into Smitten a few Sundays ago and told me she'd gained 35 pounds after she quit smoking. She was in her mid 60's with dark, expressive eyes and fabulous hair. In spite of her "larger" size, she was beautiful. But she hated her body.  And even though everything she tried on looked good on her, it wasn't enough.

I had never worn running shorts, even in the summer, until six years ago when the guy I was dating at the time asked why I didn't. I told him that I didn't think my legs were good enough and he looked at me like I was crazy. I don't remember his words but I walked away from the conversation and bought my first pair of running shorts. 

I marvel at my daughter's body. Since she's often naked, I can really see what her body looks like, lots of softness and round lines, no hard muscles. But she doesn't mind, of course. She's happy to be walking around without clothes on. With her toddler belly rolling like Santa's at Christmas, she has no idea that in all likelihood she will learn to hate her body like most women.

- art by Feminist Lisa Frank http://feministlisafrank.tumblr.com

Who do we think we are that we can get away with hating our bodies the way that we do? They keep going even though we don't feed them well, disparage them in public (and private) or deliberately hurt them. Our bodies get us to work, the hospital and the vet. For many of us, they give us independence, the ability to walk away when something goes bad. And yet women know that because their body fails to live up the an idealized image of beauty that we didn't create, it is permissible to hate.

Who are we if we hate a piece of ourselves? Certainly not the confident, capable women we want to be. Self-confidence cannot exist alongside hate for a part of ourself. I say "no" to that hate. You are enough right now. With my no-longer-perky breasts and soft stomach, I am enough. My legs aren't perfect but they are strong. They get me where I need to go and carry my daughter when she's tired. I will keep wearing those running shorts.

Your body will never be the idealized version of perfect that so many of us covet. But you are perfect with all your imperfections, just the way you are now. So walk around the house in a bathing suit for a week before you decide to wear one to the beach. Do what you need to do (and that's a good first start) but this swimsuit season, let's step into our own power and speak a message of self-love, not hate. Heck, it's the least we can do.

{new post} September #newmoms group: #bodyimage

The second Saturday of each month is the Outside The Mom Box support group for new moms. Each session starts out with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes for Q&A, then close. Our topic this month was "body image.  Here are a few noteworthy snippets from that conversation:

We started by talking about where we get our ideas about body come from: media, tv and film, celebrities, internet including social media, friends, family and also "hidden" places like healthcare providers. Everyone agreed that after a celebrity's body looked exactly the same as it did before she had the baby and how totally unrealistic that was. Since we don't live on an island, these influences are around all of us constantly which make them harder to ignore.

One of the moms shared her thoughts on how breast-feeding changes our perspective on body image. On one hand we're feeding a baby so breasts are bigger and on the other hand, our breasts are bigger because we are feeding a baby. Sooo, does that make them / us more or less sexy? And it can be equally befuddling to our partners when our magnificent breasts are so functional instead of just "sexy", as we know they "should" be.

Feeling sexy is harder now, most moms agreed. We have stretch marks, stitches or scars from a csection, wrinkles, leftover weight, even milk spraying breasts occasionally. And with all of that goes the usual baby accompaniments, which can mean nursing bras or camis constantly. Also Lilly Padz, more comfy clothes, middle of the night feedings, etc. 

The moms who come to these groups always offer the most insightful comments, one of which I thought was right on: for her, being a new mom is harder on the body than being pregnant. I completely agree with this and others did too. And this makes perfect sense doesn't it? Even aside from the physical exertions that your body goes through everyday with your baby (I remember my wrists bent at a brutal right angle when I held my daughter in the early days. That pain alone was something I wasn't prepared for!), there are also so many social pressures for new moms. Let's make a list of some of those:

1. "to be Facebook ready two days after labor,"
2. Lose that baby weight as quickly as Jessica Alba did (no corsets, please!);
3. Be in love with your baby, even though you might not be; 
4. Or maybe just be grateful that you have a health baby...no matter if your labor and delivery was traumatic.

There are also subliminal social pressures that affect our perspective on our own body image too; to not only breastfeed but make it look as easy, beautiful and "natural" as Olivia Wilde does for example.

Don't get me wrong: there are absolutely physical and social pressures on pregnant women (to not gain too much weight, not to drink or indulge in a Pumpkin Spice Latte, etc.) but I believe that physical and social pressures related to new moms and body image are longer lasting and, because of that they can penetrate our thoughts and self-esteem in more damaging ways.

So many factors influence how body image for new moms. Here are a couple of ways that we can fight those destructive message and keep our body image as heathy as possible:

1. Be realistic. Set yourself up for small success, like daily walks instead of huge goals like joining a gym when both time and money can be factors. Move yourself to activity when you're ready to not because you're supposed to or you feel pressured but because it's good for your mental health, in addition to physical health.
2. Be with people in person, more than online. Face to face connection is essential for our good health, yes, but face to face, like this free monthly group, is also a reality check. Not all new moms look like (insert your favorite celebrity new mom here!).
3. Practice Gratitude. Your body may not look like it did before you were pregnant but your body is where your baby feels safest and most loved. Your body may also be feeding another little being too. Not too shabby!
4. Remind yourself that You are Enough. Just as you are.  And if you forget? Don't look any further than your baby. The way s/he looks at you may be just the reminder you need.

For Durham area new moms, our next gathering is October 11, 2-4 pm. Once again, we will be at my office at 1200 Broad Street, Suite 104, in Durham. RSVPs are not required! Have a suggestion for our October topic, leave me a comment below.  Thanks for reading.

"Your body is a wonderland! Real guys rhapsodize." #pregnancy and #bodyimage

And that's a direct quote...from this article on Fit Pregnancy last week. I think it's troubling that a website which professes to be a "prenatal and postpartum guide" features an article, authored by a man (of course), that focuses on sex appeal. "What's the big deal?" some may say, or, "how fun/cute/cool!". Here's why I object to articles like this:

When the focus is on a woman's body, it's easier to disregard her feelings, her thoughts, her experience. It's easier to treat her like an object, instead of a real person with wishes, fears and dreams. When the focus is on "sexy", the focus is on the body, not on the woman. The difference is slight but important. So, here's an alternative: how about instead of focussing on how pregnancy is sexy, we focus on how women can feel good about themselves when pregnant? Not as cool, sure, but crucial. 

We need to be more concerned with how women feel about something, not less. We need less objectification of women and their bodies, not more. This is true for all women but especially true for pregnant women: she is more than just a vessel for a baby. 

 I think the intention behind articles like this is a good one. But the way that this message is delivered, with the emphasis on how attractive pregnant women are to men, is completely off base. It shouldn't even need to be said but here it is: pregnant women's bodies are not on display for the male nod of approval.

Already, everyday, many times a day, women get the message that how their body looks is more important than their mind, than what they do for work, than how they care for their family. It's more important than anything else. I think we can do better. But that means more women (hopefully you) speaking up against damaging body shaming messages. It takes a moment, yes, and sometimes it's a Debbie Downer but women dominate every social media platform except one. Even if we just took our battle to the internet, we could do a world of good. Let's use that power.

How? Share this post. Write a quick comment when you see an article like the one I'm writing about here. Facebook or Tweet why sexualizing pregnant women's bodies is a problem. 

What say you, pregnant ladies? How do you feel about articles like this? Leave me a comment below. Thanks for sharing.