Stop, drop and roll (on)

Your partner isn't smarter than you. S/he isn't more organized. But s/he is likely keeping track of way less than you are. Should you change that? Maybe, but perhaps not in the way you're imagining.

When I wondered why my husband never seemed to scrawl down a thought, text at a stop light or write down notes on his bedside table, I realized that he kept track of way less than I do. (Belated lightbulb moment, yes!) Like many women, I handle the bulk of the running of our house which includes childcare and school. I bet this isn't so different for you too. I'm also the one who volunteers, RSVPs to events, gets up early and handles all medical appointments. My husband keeps track of little outside of his own work. The more thoughts/commitments I have to keep track of, the less attention I have and the more I revert to texting while at stop lights.  

This is why you must drop what doesn't work for you. Be relentless about this. Don't drop it 1/2 way and "just" do the marketing (as I was recently asked). That's not dropping anything. It's hard to drop anything. You're good at a lot and other people know it. But you know that when you spread myself too thin, you don't do anyone any good. Least of all yourself if you're still texting at stop lights or shopping at the last minute for a birthday gift. 

Here's another reason to drop stuff: the less clutter you have, the better decisions you'll make. Excess clutter of all types diminishes your ability to say “no” for two reasons:

1.  You can't hear gut instinct. Using gut instinct is one way to get to "no" if you're stuck but you can't summon gut instinct. It's either there or it's not. And it's not there if your world is too loud, crowded or full of multi-tasking. It's also not present if you're sleepy.
2. Clutter = stuff = low energy. I have a huge pile of clothes in a closet. It contains clothes from all seasons and I'm unsure what to do with it. So it sits looking at reproachfully at me, drawing my precious energy into an abyss that I can't get back. 

We can only change what we have control over. And that includes the stuff you handle. You're beautiful as you are. Don't change a thing if it's all working for you! But do give yourself greater sanity, control and peace of mind by dropping what's not working for you and is costing you any of those three things. 

What will you drop? Leave me a note below.

Speaking Your Truth

I've been doing a lot of noticing recently. Just stopping where I am and listening to what's being said or not being said. There's something that I'm not hearing: women speaking their truths. 

When's the last time you called someone out on their shit? Any shit? An ignorant comment on Facebook, the way that they qualify a statement that they make, language that is sexist or racist, or the horrible, "it's all okay" / "it's all good." / "I'm fine." statements that you hear after the litany of what is not going well. Most of the time you don't say anything. Or if you do, you murmur consolingly in a low voice. Maybe even offer a hug. But you don't want to make waves or challenge someone, especially a friend, right? So you remain silent, allowing your truth to linger unsaid.

But there's a big problem with that:

Staying silent or not speaking your truth doesn't allow you to grow.

When you speak your truth, you prioritize being in integrity with yourself. That presents as kinder self-talk, more confident decisions and less fear…among other things. You grow as a person when you speak your truth because you are actively engaging in the world, instead of watching it go by unchallenged because you aren't willing to share your wisdom with the ones you know need it.

I've trained hundreds of crisis line volunteers during my time. One thing that I've often told them is this: there's a lot you can say to someone -more than you would ever imagine- if you speak from a place of love. A place of love. Your truth won't harm if you speak from that place of love, deep in your heart. It may surprise or startle someone but they won't be irrevocably harmed by your truth when speaking out of love.

Staying quiet keeps you small, manageable, predictable and stagnant. Not bold, brave, passionate, remarkable or unique. Not someone who prizes learning in theory but not in practice.  Which group would you rather be in? Which group are you in?

Speak your truth often. Say it from a place of love. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat daily.

Itsy bitsy, teeny-weeny...scraps of power

Scraps of relatively inexpensive nylon held together with strings, elastic or knots aka a bathing suit. It's almost comical how they can affect our sense of self-confidence, aren't they? But for all the hype about bathing suits, they really are only fabric, not oracles of truth. As I continue to push myself out of my comfort zone (do something scary everyday!), I readdressed the power of a bathing suit recently. 

I put on the first of my four suitcased bathing suits on a few Fridays ago as we headed to the beach. I hadn't worn it all summer. As soon as I put it on, I remembered why. Not only did the tankini not fit well but, as usual when I wear clothes that are not fitted or have too much fabric, I felt like I weighed 500 pounds. Later in the day, I looked down and saw my right breast casually lingering outside the tankini top. I can't imagine that it had been that way for long. My daughter can't ignore an exposed breast and would have shouted "milkie, milkie!" loudly. I resolved to do better on Saturday.

The next day I chose my two piece which had hints of lime green, aqua and yellow in it and we headed back to the beach. It was another suit I hadn't worn all summer but one that I liked. It was cooler than Friday but throughout the morning I noticed how much more comfortable I felt in this suit than I had in the one yesterday. It was much better fitted; that was the main reason. I had my husband snap a few pictures:

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I like the third one best; it's the one that I wasn't ready for.

As I reflected on these pictures and how I felt wearing that bikini, I realized that bathing suits should be like any other article of clothing. Somehow because there is less to a bathing suit and more of our body being shown, we elevate a bathing suit in status beyond it's deserved place as equal in rank to a coat, pants or a sweater. It's just an accessory, not an article that gives or takes away power. The only power a bathing suit should have is to support your beautiful body.

 My mother always liked the actress Frances McDormand and when I heard an excerpt from an interview with Ms. McDormand played last week on All Things Considered I thought again of bathing suits...and my mother. McDormand, age 59, said, "I need to represent publicly what I've chosen to represent privately: a woman who is proud and more powerful than I was when I was younger. I think that I carry that pride and power in my face and in my body." 

My mother wouldn't have been able to muster such a statement like this herself, although the many younger teachers and administrators that she mentored say that my mom was powerful. I agree but my mom didn't think of herself that way. That's a crucial difference. And while I'm 42, not 61 as my mom was when she died or 59 like McDormand, I want to take this on. As women get older, we can get way more powerful. But it doesn't come without work: imagining ourselves as powerful, then speaking up and taking power.

We get more powerful every time we wear a bathing suit that we don't look model perfect in. That's us taking power away from a culture that encourages women to hate their bodies. We get more powerful when we speak out against something racist, sexist, homophobic. That's us taking power away from zealots who espouse hate. We get more powerful when we claim "beautiful" instead of the more socially acceptable, "cute". That's us taking power away from the marketers who appoint themselves the ones to set standards of beauty.

Seeing yourself as powerful is the difference between allowing the bathing suit to define you or the other way around. And when you see yourself as powerful, confidence is your co-pilot in all the decisions you make. Who among us doesn't need that?

Need a little more power in your pocket? Join me starting October 20 for The Pandora Passport. We'll talk power, passions, values and getting you where you want to go.

These lines are not for crossin': setting good boundaries

It can be awkward to make a change for the good. Like right now. I've hoisted one of my office cubes on top of my desk to create a "standing desk"...because apparently we are more productive when we move. Moving includes standing. But, I'm willing to dabble in the awkward for a bit and give it a try. Let's avoid physically awkward for now, though, and consider another kind of change for the good that doesn't require any heavy lifting: setting good boundaries.

After talking with clients recently about setting good boundaries, I realized each woman I talked to needed greater clarity on a good boundary looked like.

Boundaries are clear, concise statement that you give about how you need to be treated. They are non-negotiable, consistent and always stated firmly. They are not offered out as an inquiry or a "feeling out" of the other person. They sound strong because they are strong.

Your life, your game, you set the boundaries

But why bother? Is this a lot of hoo-ha or personal growth “stuff”? Not in the least. Boundaries are essential tools in order for us to feel confident. Boundaries help us weed out the people in our life that we need to do without (see below) but they also help the people we want in our life to be even more helpful to us. 

Did you get that last part? It’s important.

Boundaries weed out the people who suck the life out of you but help the people who recharge you, your “right people”, to do even more awesome for you. In short, boundaries are rock solid confidence-building tools that you need in your quiver yesterday.

Here are a couple of boundaries my clients set recently. Let me know if any of them sound familiar:

• A dedicated and hard-working employee, Jackie continually volunteered for extra work. Jackie and I discussed this bad habit and the importance of setting good boundaries, especially at work. Although a little wary, Jackie stopped raising her hand at work and instead decided to be aware of what happened when she didn't take on additional projects. She didn’t notice a backlash of people doubting her commitment or skills but what she did notice is her voice being taken more seriously. And a few weeks later at her annual review when Jackie told her supervisor that she would be leaving at 4:30 every day instead of 5:00 and would no longer be checking email on weekends, Jackie’s boss didn’t blink an eye. Getting the green light she wanted raised her confidence to the level she deserved.

• Susie was tired of being the partner to make dinner nightly. She was a full-time mom who didn’t work outside the home but felt she still deserved a night off each week. (Of course she does!) After her first few weeks of work with me, we talked about giving up dinner responsibility for two week nights. The following day, Susie told her partner that she would no longer be responsible for dinner on Friday and Saturday. He agreed and volunteered to make dinner on Saturdays and Fridays became take-out pizza night.

• Fatima has always taken care of everyone in her family, in addition to working a high-powered job. When Fatima’s sister-in-law asked for help with the divorce papers, Fatima didn’t blink an eye and stepped in. After she and I talked, Fatima realized that she was endangering all her hard work putting her needs first by helping someone else with a situation that she didn’t own or have any stake in. After she and I talked, Fatima called her cousin and asked him to help with the paperwork. He agreed and she handed it over.

What about you? Chances are there’s a boundary you need to set right now. My guess is you're waffling. Go ahead and try it: ask yourself -—>”What boundary do I need to set right now and with whom?”. In addition to all the confidence boosting work we talked about above simply voicing a desire allows you to believe you're worthy of wanting and deserving better. So what are you waiting for?

Share your boundary-setting story and what happened. Leave a comment below.