Case Study: Susan sets a boundary

"Susan" (a pseudonym) is a freelance, non-profit consultant who took on a friend as a client. She liked the friend's organization a lot, knew that she could give them a good price and serious value for their investment. The project was initially smaller in scope but that shifted over the course of their months together. When it became evident to Susan that she was investing more time than she'd planned and was having to back-burner a larger, more exciting (and better paying) client, Susan decided she needed to ask for help. From me...because fortunately she's my client! Here's what we worked on:

Could Susan address the expansion of the scope of the work, feel in integrity with herself and keep the friendship?

Yes! Here's how:

1. I advised Susan to set up a time to talk to her client friend in person. A difficult conversation, yes, but it shows that she values and respects the friendship and the partnership so it's essential.

2. Susan decided to be honest and tell the friend what they both knew: the project has become bigger than was initially projected and because of this, Susan was having some conflicts with other planned clients.

3. Working together, we estimated that Susan could give that client 10 hours of work a week until December 1 and then would be off the project. We decided this was realistic for Susan without feeling like too much of a stretch.

4. Susan also offered to refer her to a colleague who could take over the unfinished work, if the offered time wasn't sufficient for her client friend.

5. Finally, Susan told the friend that she valued the friendship too much to continue to try and commit to a project that she didn't feel she could give 100% any longer.

What happened next:

At our next session, Susan told me that the friend had taken the news very well and decided to take her up on the offer of a referral to someone else. Turns out that other person had a skill set that Susan didn't which would have been needed on the expanded version of the project. The situation ended up being a win/win for everyone involved. Best of all, Susan and the friend are still friends.

Lessons:

• A spoken "no" often allows space for someone else to reply with an excited "yes!"

• Taking on a friend as a client usually comes at a cost, even if "just" in hard conversations and emotional energy.

• Setting better boundaries shows self-respect and generates respect.

Where do you need to set a boundary in your own life? Thank you for reading.

Do Unto Others

I know you do. You head back to the store to pay for the toy that your child walked out with. You see the barista at Starbucks and interact with her like she's a person you know. You pay your bills on time. The problem isn't you, my friend. It's everyone else.

And herein lies the shitty truth that you need to tell people (a client of mine said "train people," once...which I also liked) how you MUST be treated. This is one of the basic principles of good boundaries. You tell them what's okay i.e. you set a boundary and then when it's overstepped, you don't engage. Repeat: you don't engage. Stop the work. Stop the presses. Stop the talking. Just pull the emergency lever like it's on a runaway train that you need to get the hell off of.

It's that simple. That doesn't mean it's easy but it is that simple.

Don't make this more complicated than it is.

Here's another truth: no one will think less of you when you tell someone how you need to be treated, usually, we'll think MORE of you. Because you're taking a stand for yourself. That shows self-respect. Self-respect is that perfume we wear that everyone wants to know the name of. It's irresistible.

Stop being the doormat who tries to accommodate everyone. Impossible. And you will always fail. Instead, strive for being the woman who accommodates in order of importance...to her! Let anything else fall away. It's not for you. Don't wear it or carry it. 

Do unto others should work both ways. But it doesn't. Take good care of YOU, my friend.

These lines are not for crossin': setting good boundaries

It can be awkward to make a change for the good. Like right now. I've hoisted one of my office cubes on top of my desk to create a "standing desk"...because apparently we are more productive when we move. Moving includes standing. But, I'm willing to dabble in the awkward for a bit and give it a try. Let's avoid physically awkward for now, though, and consider another kind of change for the good that doesn't require any heavy lifting: setting good boundaries.

After talking with clients recently about setting good boundaries, I realized each woman I talked to needed greater clarity on a good boundary looked like.

Boundaries are clear, concise statement that you give about how you need to be treated. They are non-negotiable, consistent and always stated firmly. They are not offered out as an inquiry or a "feeling out" of the other person. They sound strong because they are strong.

Your life, your game, you set the boundaries

But why bother? Is this a lot of hoo-ha or personal growth “stuff”? Not in the least. Boundaries are essential tools in order for us to feel confident. Boundaries help us weed out the people in our life that we need to do without (see below) but they also help the people we want in our life to be even more helpful to us. 

Did you get that last part? It’s important.

Boundaries weed out the people who suck the life out of you but help the people who recharge you, your “right people”, to do even more awesome for you. In short, boundaries are rock solid confidence-building tools that you need in your quiver yesterday.

Here are a couple of boundaries my clients set recently. Let me know if any of them sound familiar:

• A dedicated and hard-working employee, Jackie continually volunteered for extra work. Jackie and I discussed this bad habit and the importance of setting good boundaries, especially at work. Although a little wary, Jackie stopped raising her hand at work and instead decided to be aware of what happened when she didn't take on additional projects. She didn’t notice a backlash of people doubting her commitment or skills but what she did notice is her voice being taken more seriously. And a few weeks later at her annual review when Jackie told her supervisor that she would be leaving at 4:30 every day instead of 5:00 and would no longer be checking email on weekends, Jackie’s boss didn’t blink an eye. Getting the green light she wanted raised her confidence to the level she deserved.

• Susie was tired of being the partner to make dinner nightly. She was a full-time mom who didn’t work outside the home but felt she still deserved a night off each week. (Of course she does!) After her first few weeks of work with me, we talked about giving up dinner responsibility for two week nights. The following day, Susie told her partner that she would no longer be responsible for dinner on Friday and Saturday. He agreed and volunteered to make dinner on Saturdays and Fridays became take-out pizza night.

• Fatima has always taken care of everyone in her family, in addition to working a high-powered job. When Fatima’s sister-in-law asked for help with the divorce papers, Fatima didn’t blink an eye and stepped in. After she and I talked, Fatima realized that she was endangering all her hard work putting her needs first by helping someone else with a situation that she didn’t own or have any stake in. After she and I talked, Fatima called her cousin and asked him to help with the paperwork. He agreed and she handed it over.

What about you? Chances are there’s a boundary you need to set right now. My guess is you're waffling. Go ahead and try it: ask yourself -—>”What boundary do I need to set right now and with whom?”. In addition to all the confidence boosting work we talked about above simply voicing a desire allows you to believe you're worthy of wanting and deserving better. So what are you waiting for?

Share your boundary-setting story and what happened. Leave a comment below.