You need to say "no" more often.
You're a good person. You generously give to others more often than you give to yourself. You say "yes" to another low bono client. You take on an additional volunteer commitment. You agree to meet someone for coffee with whom you are less than enthusiastic. You have sex with your partner when you're not really in the mood. The reasons behind your "yes" are likely varied and complicated. What's not complicated, however, is that saying "no" makes everything in your life easier.
Take relationships, for example. When you say "no" to someone, they know where you stand. Your position is clear. It's clear for the people who adore you and those who are on the fence. Those who are on the fence might find your "no" upsetting but remember, "no" is a gift. It's a gift because it allows them to jump the fence and find someone who is a better fit. And it's gift to you because it helps you keep the right people in your life.
What I have noticed in my work and life is that the women who are the most content & satisfied, who live with the least angst over the work/family life dynamics are the ones who say "no" often. They get clear on what really matters and they act on it consistently.
A "yes" instead of a "no" will do the following:
I think she's saying "no".
Create stress. Somehow it seems like there are more bad things than ever before that happen on a regular basis. Freak accidents, mass shootings, hate speech and everyday sexism erode away at your sense of self and safety. That's already a stressful truth. Don't willingly add more if you don't have to.
Take away opportunities. It seems counter-intuitive but "yeses" limit your choices and time. Offering a "no" not only allows you to focus on what's really important but also allows you to take advantage of truly awesome opportunities instead of just the newest bright, shiny object you were asked about.
Add to time management struggles. If you find yourself saying, "I'm tired" "I wish there were more hours in the day," or anything similar, organizing your time may already be a challenge.
Dull your listening to (and ability to act on) gut instinct. Gut instinct is not accessible if your world is too loud, crowded or full of multi-tasking. It's also not as present if you're sleepy. But gut instinct is crucial for effective decision-making.
Compromise your physical health. Stress (see above) releases cortisol. Elevated cortisol levels impact our immune system and bone density. It also interferes with memory, is associated with weight gain, elevated blood pressure, cholesterol. Click here to learn more about the connection with health and stress.
All of this is especially true for a survivor of abuse. Survivors need healthy environments in which to heal from past trauma. A home, workplace or relationship where your needs are consistently unmet (or are under-valued) whether by you or someone else pause your healing. Healing can't really start until you're in a safe place, emotionally and physically.
Life won't ever be easy. But saying "no" is a way to make everything more simple. Who couldn't use more of that?