Wanted: Folks Who Want to Make Better Decisions

I posted about this earlier this week on Facebook. What? You're not over there? Come on! Those peeps get all the first hand details, always...

Long before I was a trauma educator, before I even started working with survivors, I was a life coach who worked with individual clients and offered personal growth workshops. I designed a really cool values discovery tool about 15 years ago. In the years since, I have tweaked and used in different ways with clients and in support groups. In 2007, I offered an ebook with this tool. I still get a lot of requests for coaching. So earlier this year I decided to update and re-launch my values discovery tool. This summer, I am doing it! So now, I'm looking for testers for my newly updated personal values discovery book. If you are interested in being a tester, I ask that you read this entire post and follow directions at the bottom. Thanks!

This tool is ideal for people who:

• feel overwhelmed by choices;
• tend to doubt their decisions or second guess themselves;
• don’t do self-care well or for whom the idea of self-care feels foreign;
• struggle with feeling satisfied by their life;
• have a hard time prioritizing themselves.

If all of this seems like I'm reading your mind, you are an ideal tester!

If when reading the above you feel hesitant, like some of it applies or maybe it applies under certain circumstances, you are likely not an ideal tester. If none of this feels applicable, you are definitely not an ideal tester. You are the expert of you so I defer to you on whether or not you are an ideal tester. And, I really need folks who are ideal testers. And if you aren't sure, read the following bit:

This tool is not for you if you...

• are clear in your dreams/goals;
• make decisions easily and seldom doubt your choice;
• engage regularly in self-care;
• generally feel happy, satisfied and successful in your life

Here's a few more details:

Question #1: What is this book about?

The book is composed of a self-guided tool to help you discover your 5 personal values. It will also have a few values "success stories" from women who have been using their values (as discovered by their work with me, using this tool). 

Question #2: What are values?

I define values as "a unique way of being or believing that you hold personally significant," 

Question #3: What do values do?

Values help us:

• make better decisions;
• care for ourselves better;
• respect ourselves as individuals worthy of love, attention and care.

You're here! Okay, please read the last few details, to learn more about what you can expect as a tester and what I need from you...

What you get from me:

1. A PDF format (on Monday 7/24) that will contain:
   1. 5 different values discovery activities. They are self-directed but you can do any of them with a partner if you wish.
   2. Sample list of values.
   3. A blank page for the personal values you discover.
   4. Feedback forms; 1 per values activity + 1 final one.

What I need from you:

1. You will send back to me your feedback forms, your page with your 4-5 values and at least 2 of the values discovery activities so I can see your thinking. These can be copied pages; you don’t have to send me back the original. I need back your documents back by end of day Monday September 4. They can be scanned and emailed to me or postal mailed. Whatever is easier for you.
2. Confidentiality. You cannot share/sell/trade/give away any section of the PDF. It's my work. You can discuss what you're doing on the Facebook page.

What you need to know:

1. Plan on anywhere from 15-45 minutes per discovery.

2. You commit to doing 1 discovery per week. 

3. You will get your PDF packet around July 24 and you have until September 1 to do them. That’s 6 weeks for 5 discoveries so you have an extra week if you need it.

4. You cannot copy/share/sell, etc. any part of the tester PDF…blank or completed. Again, it’s proprietary information that I developed. 

5. Please know that I can't accept everyone as a tester, likely no more than 8-12 people. 

6. If you do complete everything by September 1 and return to me as requested, I will give you a coupon code that you can share with anyone (or use yourself!) for 25% off the final product. 

7. When you return your materials to me, you are giving me permission to use your language/writing/value. Your name will not be linked to your words, value, writing, language. To be clear: I will NOT use your name in any way.

If this all sounds interesting to you, please click here to complete the interest form. I will then follow up via email. Thank you so much for your interest!

Entry is closed at this time.

One last thing- the deadline to submit the above form is Wednesday July 19, 5:00 pm. EST.

Stop, drop and roll (on)

Your partner isn't smarter than you. S/he isn't more organized. But s/he is likely keeping track of way less than you are. Should you change that? Maybe, but perhaps not in the way you're imagining.

When I wondered why my husband never seemed to scrawl down a thought, text at a stop light or write down notes on his bedside table, I realized that he kept track of way less than I do. (Belated lightbulb moment, yes!) Like many women, I handle the bulk of the running of our house which includes childcare and school. I bet this isn't so different for you too. I'm also the one who volunteers, RSVPs to events, gets up early and handles all medical appointments. My husband keeps track of little outside of his own work. The more thoughts/commitments I have to keep track of, the less attention I have and the more I revert to texting while at stop lights.  

This is why you must drop what doesn't work for you. Be relentless about this. Don't drop it 1/2 way and "just" do the marketing (as I was recently asked). That's not dropping anything. It's hard to drop anything. You're good at a lot and other people know it. But you know that when you spread myself too thin, you don't do anyone any good. Least of all yourself if you're still texting at stop lights or shopping at the last minute for a birthday gift. 

Here's another reason to drop stuff: the less clutter you have, the better decisions you'll make. Excess clutter of all types diminishes your ability to say “no” for two reasons:

1.  You can't hear gut instinct. Using gut instinct is one way to get to "no" if you're stuck but you can't summon gut instinct. It's either there or it's not. And it's not there if your world is too loud, crowded or full of multi-tasking. It's also not present if you're sleepy.
2. Clutter = stuff = low energy. I have a huge pile of clothes in a closet. It contains clothes from all seasons and I'm unsure what to do with it. So it sits looking at reproachfully at me, drawing my precious energy into an abyss that I can't get back. 

We can only change what we have control over. And that includes the stuff you handle. You're beautiful as you are. Don't change a thing if it's all working for you! But do give yourself greater sanity, control and peace of mind by dropping what's not working for you and is costing you any of those three things. 

What will you drop? Leave me a note below.

Silence is a racket

I saw a drawing on Glennon Doyle's Instagram last week about ignoring offensive things on the internet. Many followers liked it but there were a few comments, mine included, which challenged the idea. Much as I appreciate Glennon's work, I can't get behind encouraging women to silence themselves more than they already do.

You don't want to make waves. I get it. It's hard for me too, to challenge something I see or hear, even if it is online or anonymous. But when you ignore the personal attack against you on Twitter, the rude remark on your Instagram photo, or someone's ignorant statement on Facebook, your silence costs you. Silencing yourself is a racket, an expensive one, because it costs you more long-term than any gain in the moment. It costs you 1) emotional energy and 2) precious time because while you can choose a behavior, you can't choose a feeling. And if you choose to stuff your initial feeling, you're forcing your mind and body to backtrack from its gut response. That's a lot of work i.e. energy and time.

My take on the post I saw.

There are costs if you silence yourself but there's opportunity when you don't: speaking up for what's right. So often that boils down to your own humanity (or someone else's), the right to be treated with kindness and respect. It's not "being the bigger person" to ignore something offensive/ignorant and it's not about eliminating people from your life who disagree with you. It's about eliminating a damaging attitude of hate and snark that don't represent the kind of person you are, want to be or want in your world. Disagreement is healthy. Conflict is inevitable. Hate, snark, rudeness, ignorance is abuse. And you don't deserve that.

And of course there will be women because of who they are (they are a woman of color or identify as queer or an abuse survivor or are larger than the "perfect" size, etc.) and just by being themselves "out" in the world that it may not feel safe to speak up as often as they'd like. That's okay too. Being able to speak up and out is a privilege and sadly, some of us have this "right" more than others do.

If it feels safe enough: don't accommodate hate. That's what you're doing when you ignore someone else's meanness or cruelty. Unfriend, block, report. No one I know has extra time or emotional energy to throw around. You're juggling multiple commitments (perhaps even multiple children), managing a household and you don't have as much space in your day for your own needs...whatever it is they are. Maybe you even feel stuck. You have even less energy and time then. Make a decision today in favor of you and your well-being to speak out against offensive, instead of making room in your life for inappropriate.

Thanks for reading.

Bad to The Bone: How Bad Habits Affect Confidence

As I sat in traffic yesterday (twice!) cursing, I realized I never finished this blog post. Maybe if I had, I wouldn't be repeating the same mistake over and over again, feeling frustrated and annoyed each time.

One of my bad habits is leaving too little time to get to the next thing.

This isn't always my fault. Any parent out there knows, unless you're taking your kid to ice cream or a Playmobil store, it is notoriously difficult to get out of the house. Water bottles? Check. Change of clothes? Check. We're almost done potty training so we still need to think about wipes and diapers, just in case. Check, check. But even with the child factor and the unknown factor ("when did construction start here??"), 80-85% of this is on me.

Bad habits take a toll on our confidence. When I'm running late, negative self-talk comes in big time. "Other parents are there on time..." is a big one. We have the world beating us up, down and sideways, we don't need to add to that nasty conversation! Self-talk can be a prophetic so if there's mean shit we're saying to ourselves, we need to knock it off. If I nix this bad habit of running late, the "you're not as good a parent," talk will also go by the wayside.

This bad habit, though, is not just bad on us; it's bad on / for others. Who wants to look rushed? And I'd rather my child not saying, "I'm holding on!" as we speed through town. Ugh. Neither of those are good.

This blog does a nice job holding me accountable so I'll claim it here: this habit will be nixed by September 1. Eeek! Here's what I'm going to do to make it happen:

1. Adjust all of my clocks to be on time, not fast. I realized part of my challenge is not knowing exactly how much time I have to get to somewhere because my watch runs 5 minutes fast (I think!), my car is 9 minutes fast (or is it 10?) but my phone is exact. Confusion doesn't help.
2. Give myself a big window to practice. September 1 is a not-so-distant goal so it feels both urgent and manageable.
3. For NY State Senator, Kirsten Gillibrand, the most important thing is picking up her kids each day. Not sure how true this is for me but the idea rings true. I need to say "no", in the moment more to the person I'm with who might make me late.
4. Document it! I'll share this intention on social media starting this week (not next when this post will come out!) and with friends, clients, family, etc. Accountability is essential when changing habits (why you hire a coach!) so I'll take it wherever I can find it.

I'll report back in the September 2 blog post how this worked. In the interim, what are your bad habits? How do they hold you back? Share a comment below or over at my Facebook page.