Where are they? Building on The "MeToo" Campaign

I don't do much social media on the weekends. So when I saw someone's Facebook post Sunday morning, I chimed in with the requested "me too" and didn't think much of it. But on Monday morning when I saw other friends writing the same thing, I realized that "me too" is a thing.

Which on some level, I appreciate. I'm open about being a sexual abuse survivor. It's on my social media and website. But why should the de-stigmatizing work fall to survivors like me? But that’s been the history. Normalizing the prevalence of sexual abuse has primarily been women’s work. Today we have more cis male survivors and non-cis male survivors stepping up to this work. But we need everyone.

So, what about all men? And I don't mean as perpetrators.

Because sexual abuse is not about sex, it's about power and control, men and boys can be victims too. In fact, 28% of male rape victims experienced their first rape at or before the age of 10 (1) and 50% of gender non-binary folks have been sexually assaulted (2). Sexual abuse truly affects everyone. Some more than others, yes, but it does affect all of us.

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We need all men as survivors, allies or advocates.

So we need everyone on board. And because men control the bulk of power in the United States -from medical school curriculum to professional sports- we need their voices too.

We need to hear from all men, either as survivors, or as allies and advocates. And those voices must include real action, not a token "thoughts and prayers" sentiment. That "support" further marginalizes abuse survivors. It makes abuse something that other people have to deal with. But worse, it off-loads the collective responsibility that powerful men have for their piece in rape culture.

• What if The Gates Foundation started to prioritize sexual violence as a public health threat?

• What about instead of "...if this happened to my daughter/wife," Speaker Paul Ryan starting talking about our culture of toxic masculinity and how harmful it is?

• What if Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey were to adopt an immediate ban for trolls who harass and threaten sexual abuse survivors who share their rape story?

Any of these scenarios could create a massive shift in the tide of public opinion about sexual abuse. We need everyone to do this work, especially the men in positions of power. Survivors should not have to “lay our trauma bare,” as Zerlina Maxwell said in a recent Instagram in an effort to de-stigmatize sexual abuse. Change must start happening on a larger scale. So, hurray for the "Me Too" campaign. Let's hope there's a "UsToo" campaign in our future.

References:

1)  National Intimate Partner Violence and Sexual Violence Survey. Retrieved from: https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/nisvs_report2010-a.pdf

2)  Transgender Rates of Violence. Retrieved from: http://forge-forward.org/wp-content/docs/FAQ-10-2012-rates-of-violence.pdf

Silence is a racket

I saw a drawing on Glennon Doyle's Instagram last week about ignoring offensive things on the internet. Many followers liked it but there were a few comments, mine included, which challenged the idea. Much as I appreciate Glennon's work, I can't get behind encouraging women to silence themselves more than they already do.

You don't want to make waves. I get it. It's hard for me too, to challenge something I see or hear, even if it is online or anonymous. But when you ignore the personal attack against you on Twitter, the rude remark on your Instagram photo, or someone's ignorant statement on Facebook, your silence costs you. Silencing yourself is a racket, an expensive one, because it costs you more long-term than any gain in the moment. It costs you 1) emotional energy and 2) precious time because while you can choose a behavior, you can't choose a feeling. And if you choose to stuff your initial feeling, you're forcing your mind and body to backtrack from its gut response. That's a lot of work i.e. energy and time.

My take on the post I saw.

There are costs if you silence yourself but there's opportunity when you don't: speaking up for what's right. So often that boils down to your own humanity (or someone else's), the right to be treated with kindness and respect. It's not "being the bigger person" to ignore something offensive/ignorant and it's not about eliminating people from your life who disagree with you. It's about eliminating a damaging attitude of hate and snark that don't represent the kind of person you are, want to be or want in your world. Disagreement is healthy. Conflict is inevitable. Hate, snark, rudeness, ignorance is abuse. And you don't deserve that.

And of course there will be women because of who they are (they are a woman of color or identify as queer or an abuse survivor or are larger than the "perfect" size, etc.) and just by being themselves "out" in the world that it may not feel safe to speak up as often as they'd like. That's okay too. Being able to speak up and out is a privilege and sadly, some of us have this "right" more than others do.

If it feels safe enough: don't accommodate hate. That's what you're doing when you ignore someone else's meanness or cruelty. Unfriend, block, report. No one I know has extra time or emotional energy to throw around. You're juggling multiple commitments (perhaps even multiple children), managing a household and you don't have as much space in your day for your own needs...whatever it is they are. Maybe you even feel stuck. You have even less energy and time then. Make a decision today in favor of you and your well-being to speak out against offensive, instead of making room in your life for inappropriate.

Thanks for reading.