Kitchen Confidential: Normalizing Peer Support for Abuse Survivors

Everyone knew that Chief of Police William J. Obanhein was "an abusive drunk,". A member of the Stockbridge Mass police force for almost thirty-five years, Obanhein became famous after an appearance in Arlo Guthrie's song, Alice's Restaurant. During his time in the department, two of his sons died and one disappeared. But in the 1960's "no one cared if your father beat you," as my mom told me about Chief Obanhein. Apparently no one also cared that the chief of police was also beating his wife.

Not only did no one care but even if they did, there were no resources to help:

  • Crisis lines and shelters were rare and informal;

  • "Wife beating" became grounds for divorce in New York in 1962 but only after a "sufficient" number of beatings took place.

  • Federal laws related specifically to domestic violence didn't exist until the late 1970's;

  • Not even the people in the medical field were a support for abused women. References to battered women were sexist, victim-blaming with theories like wives "have a masochistic need that their husbands’ aggression fulfills."

Photo by Ehud Neuhaus on Unsplash

Family violence was far from the public health threat that it is viewed as today. It was not until the early 70's that women began to talk about physical violence in the home. Most gathered in volunteers' homes providing what would become the first "support groups". It was a beginning that not only made sense from an evolutionary perspective but also a safety one. If you're an abused wife, it's easier to cross the street to your neighbor's than to head downtown to an office.

It's been 40+ years since support groups started in homes. Domestic violence and sexual abuse are recognized as public health threats. Some survivors feel safe speaking out. The general public is learning how to respond better. And yet, we have a long road ahead of us.

Most domestic violence (and rape crisis) agencies do good work. But agencies also operate under-staffed and on a shoestring budget, dependent on vanishing grant money. Pay is low, martyrdom is common, burn out is frequent. Agencies also often lack a trauma-informed approach to support and care for survivors. But, one of the biggest challenges are survivor's increasingly complicated needs.

Survivors may be dealing with the trauma of institutionalized racism, poverty, mental health challenges and childhood neglect on top of violence. They may have a different gender identity which can complicate services and access to support. Survivors may also be visiting social services agencies for support and care. If they are a victim of a crime, they are also dealing with law enforcement and the court system...neither of which are set up to support the survivor. Survivors may need housing, help paying for medications and food, in addition to a safety plan. In short, a survivor's  needs today are more complicated than the average woman coming through a shelter door in 1980.

Who better to relate to the multi-dimensional needs of an abuse survivor than another survivor who has dealt with similar layers of oppression? A peer, someone with whom you have a shared common experience, is exactly the person to provide ongoing support to an abuse survivor.  I have been facilitating peer led, abuse survivor support groups for almost 18 months. Before that I offered psycho-educational support groups at a local domestic violence agency. {I did not identify as a survivor when facilitating the latter group.}. In a peer support group, I'm just another person with a similar experience. That's very powerful for everyone. More on peer support here.

My mom was wrong. We do care when someone is hurt. But we don't often know how to help.

Once upon a time, though, we learned to help as peers, as fellow survivors, as neighbors in a community where we live. That's the way forward again. Gathering around kitchen tables in neighbor's homes to offer support, understanding and consistency. At this critical time in our history where informed support is rarer than ever and public resources are threatened, there is no better time to pivot back to our origins. To bring survivor support back into the homes and communities in which it started in.

Join me.

If you're a survivor...

Abuse changes your life.

You have the power to change it even more.

Silence keeps secrets and shame locked up. Silence also adds stress and anxiety. I'm a sexual abuse survivor too so I get it. But I also know that talking about sexual abuse opens rusty locks and breaks down shame. When we tell our story, we take back the power and control that was taken from us. In doing so, we choose our own brave ending. But talking is the first part. 

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That's what happens in the weekly, free peer support group for sexual abuse survivors. We meet every Tuesday at Dress for Success Triangle in Durham from 6:30-8:30 pm. The group is drop-in so you don't need to reserve a place in advance or call-ahead. Come if you can. Leave early if you need to. Lap babies are welcome and the group is LGBTQ+ affirmative. No judgment here, just some gentle acceptance from women who get you.

And that's the gift of a community who gets you.

Because not everyone will. But by understanding how and why the effects of past abuse can linger for a lifetime, you can not only help yourself but also improve your quality of life. We do that in this group. The emphasis is on who you are and what feels most important to you. We don't talk diagnosis or mental health and no one is an expert. You're the expert of you. That's the peer support difference. You won't find that anywhere else.

Come check us out. 

 

Speaking Your Truth

I've been doing a lot of noticing recently. Just stopping where I am and listening to what's being said or not being said. There's something that I'm not hearing: women speaking their truths. 

When's the last time you called someone out on their shit? Any shit? An ignorant comment on Facebook, the way that they qualify a statement that they make, language that is sexist or racist, or the horrible, "it's all okay" / "it's all good." / "I'm fine." statements that you hear after the litany of what is not going well. Most of the time you don't say anything. Or if you do, you murmur consolingly in a low voice. Maybe even offer a hug. But you don't want to make waves or challenge someone, especially a friend, right? So you remain silent, allowing your truth to linger unsaid.

But there's a big problem with that:

Staying silent or not speaking your truth doesn't allow you to grow.

When you speak your truth, you prioritize being in integrity with yourself. That presents as kinder self-talk, more confident decisions and less fear…among other things. You grow as a person when you speak your truth because you are actively engaging in the world, instead of watching it go by unchallenged because you aren't willing to share your wisdom with the ones you know need it.

I've trained hundreds of crisis line volunteers during my time. One thing that I've often told them is this: there's a lot you can say to someone -more than you would ever imagine- if you speak from a place of love. A place of love. Your truth won't harm if you speak from that place of love, deep in your heart. It may surprise or startle someone but they won't be irrevocably harmed by your truth when speaking out of love.

Staying quiet keeps you small, manageable, predictable and stagnant. Not bold, brave, passionate, remarkable or unique. Not someone who prizes learning in theory but not in practice.  Which group would you rather be in? Which group are you in?

Speak your truth often. Say it from a place of love. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat daily.

{new post} Toddler Group

Update 12/4/14: Toddler Group will start January 3 not December 6! There's still time to join us!

You're doing an amazing job with your baby. It hasn't been easy but you've stuck it out. You're not flawless, far from perfect actually, but you try hard and admit when you're wrong. And that baby, maybe almost a toddler, is thriving now, isn't he?

But as often happens, your needs have taken a backseat.

That could be because you're the full-time caregiver for your little one or because you're not able to exercise/meditate/serlf-care like you used to. Whatever the reason, you have less time for you but plenty of baby/toddler/household projects instead.

In case you haven't heard, starting this December, I'm offering a three month toddler group. The toddler group is open to any mom with a child between 1-3 years old. It's a time to connect back to yourself while being intentional about your parenting, how it affects you and your child/children. Toddler group is a time for you.

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Groups like New Mamas or this Toddler Group aren't a basic need. If you're reading this, chances are you've got food in the fridge and a place to lay your weary body each night. Your basic needs are probably covered. So, think beyond basic to healthy habits. Groups like this one offer support, community and a time for connection and reflection. They are a chance to slow down for a moment and indulge in self-care...all of which is essential for your mental health. And your mental health is at the foundation of good health for your whole family.

It can be hard to make ourselves a priority, especially when it costs to do so. Toddler Group isn't free. For me, a mom of a toddler and a small business owner, charging for a group that I know other moms will benefit from is hard. But compensation for the energy, commitment involved with hosting a program that takes me away from my own family is not only important for my family but also my own sense of worth. I also charge because we occasionally (consciously or not) we place more importance on services where we exchange value for value i.e. a short-term program like Toddler Group

Mom, if Toddler Group doeresonate with you, I want you to be able to participate. The three month membership cost is $69 ($11.50 per session, $5.25 per hour). If that feels like a financial stretch, you can choose to split the cost into three equal payments. The first payment of $23 would be due when you contact me to save your place. The second would be due when we meet Saturday January 3 and the final would be due when we meet on February 7. Just shoot me an email via my contact page here, if you'd like this option.  

You do good work. So, give yourself a break and be reminded of your own greatness when you join me and a few other toddler moms in Toddler Group. You are worth it.

The fine details of the program are here. And of course contact me with any questions, whenever you'd like. 919-237-2370.