I woke up this morning with a queasy, low-lying panic deep in my stomach. The last time I felt this way was four years ago when I was told by my ultrasound tech that I was going to have a girl, not the boy that I had hoped for. Today, it's the same horror, anxiety and sadness melted into a strange emotion that looks a lot like grief; I don't want to talk to anyone. I only want to sink a little deeper into someone's soft lap and close my eyes to the spotlight of hatred that's upon us, relentless as a search light.

Up until the last few weeks, I'd been soothing myself with "at least it's almost over," but then it occurred to me: if Hillary doesn't win, it won't be over. The extreme animosity, racism, misogyny, islamophobia, mocking of disabled people, sexism and rape culture language that was thrown in my face everyday of this campaign will continue. Underneath all of this is hatred: hatred for women, hatred for everyone different but mainly hatred for women. How else do we here in North Carolina explain a Roy Cooper and Donald Trump victory? Blaming a Hillary loss on the media or on "the candidate herself" shifts blame from where it really needs to be. Trump was elected overwhelmingly by white voters (58% to Clinton's 37%), white men (63% to 31%) and non-college educated whites (67% for Trump) specifically. We have a whole lot of racist, sexist white people in this country who couldn't stand seeing a woman elected president. That's what's really going on here.

I got a hint Tuesday when I was out canvassing in South Durham. I talked to an older (60's+) white guy and said my line, "I understand you are a Hillary supporter, is that correct?". He looked at me for a beat and said, "I'm a registered Democrat." and then closed the door in my face. At the time, I chalked it up to voter fatigue and moved on. But in hindsight, he's likely a big part of the reason why we have woke up to a nightmare of massive proportions.

No woman wants to admit there is so much more hatred out there. It's painful enough to know that birth control is on you since you're the one who can get pregnant or that you're paid less than your male counterpart doing the same work or the waste of paying taxes on feminine hygiene products just because you're a woman who menstruates. (And of course the discrimination is much worse for women of color and poor women.) But we get it, right? It's a pain we know and work with daily. But this election? This is so different. Last night and today, we got the triumphant glimpse into the face of so many of our fellow Americans as they celebrate their candidate and know that they chose him in spite of the fact that he is a violent misogynist who bullies, assaults, threatens and mocks people. That's a newer agony which few of us knew was quite so deep among our neighbors and friends.

Hillary continues to blow me away with her grace and compassion but my own manner is morose. I'm still bleeding from last night's repeated blows. The hatred has toppled me. Everywhere I look from the my place on the hard floor are more hurt people. I haven't been on Facebook in over 24 hours. I'm limiting Twitter and have turned off NPR. Don't call me; I won't pick up. All of us non-haters do have work to do, yes, but for me, today, right now, I'm taking care of me. I hope you can do the same.

The second Saturday of each month is the Outside The Mom Box support group for new moms. Each session starts out with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes for Q&A, then close. Our topic this month was "body image. Here are a few noteworthy snippets from that conversation:

We started by talking about where we get our ideas about body come from: media, tv and film, celebrities, internet including social media, friends, family and also "hidden" places like healthcare providers. Everyone agreed that after a celebrity's body looked exactly the same as it did before she had the baby and how totally unrealistic that was. Since we don't live on an island, these influences are around all of us constantly which make them harder to ignore.

One of the moms shared her thoughts on how breast-feeding changes our perspective on body image. On one hand we're feeding a baby so breasts are bigger and on the other hand, our breasts are bigger because we are feeding a baby. Sooo, does that make them / us more or less sexy? And it can be equally befuddling to our partners when our magnificent breasts are so functional instead of just "sexy", as we know they "should" be.

Feeling sexy is harder now, most moms agreed. We have stretch marks, stitches or scars from a csection, wrinkles, leftover weight, even milk spraying breasts occasionally. And with all of that goes the usual baby accompaniments, which can mean nursing bras or camis constantly. Also Lilly Padz, more comfy clothes, middle of the night feedings, etc.

The moms who come to these groups always offer the most insightful comments, one of which I thought was right on: for her, being a new mom is harder on the body than being pregnant. I completely agree with this and others did too. And this makes perfect sense doesn't it? Even aside from the physical exertions that your body goes through everyday with your baby (I remember my wrists bent at a brutal right angle when I held my daughter in the early days. That pain alone was something I wasn't prepared for!), there are also so many social pressures for new moms. Let's make a list of some of those:

"to be Facebook ready two days after labor,"
Lose that baby weight as quickly as Jessica Alba did (no corsets, please!);
Be in love with your baby, even though you might not be;
Or maybe just be grateful that you have a health baby...no matter if your labor and delivery was traumatic.

There are also subliminal social pressures that affect our perspective on our own body image too; to not only breastfeed but make it look as easy, beautiful and "natural" as Olivia Wilde does for example.

Don't get me wrong: there are absolutely physical and social pressures on pregnant women (to not gain too much weight, not to drink or indulge in a Pumpkin Spice Latte, etc.) but I believe that physical and social pressures related to new moms and body image are longer lasting and, because of that they can penetrate our thoughts and self-esteem in more damaging ways.

So many factors influence how body image for new moms. Here are a couple of ways that we can fight those destructive message and keep our body image as heathy as possible:

Be realistic. Set yourself up for small success, like daily walks instead of huge goals like joining a gym when both time and money can be factors. Move yourself to activity when you're ready to not because you're supposed to or you feel pressured but because it's good for your mental health, in addition to physical health.
Be with people in person, more than online. Face to face connection is essential for our good health, yes, but face to face, like this free monthly group, is also a reality check. Not all new moms look like (insert your favorite celebrity new mom here!).
Practice Gratitude. Your body may not look like it did before you were pregnant but your body is where your baby feels safest and most loved. Your body may also be feeding another little being too. Not too shabby!
Remind yourself that You are Enough. Just as you are. And if you forget? Don't look any further than your baby. The way s/he looks at you may be just the reminder you need.

For Durham area new moms, our next gathering is October 11, 2-4 pm. Once again, we will be at my office at 1200 Broad Street, Suite 104, in Durham. RSVPs are not required! Have a suggestion for our October topic, leave me a comment below. Thanks for reading.