{new post} September #newmoms group: #bodyimage

The second Saturday of each month is the Outside The Mom Box support group for new moms. Each session starts out with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes for Q&A, then close. Our topic this month was "body image.  Here are a few noteworthy snippets from that conversation:

We started by talking about where we get our ideas about body come from: media, tv and film, celebrities, internet including social media, friends, family and also "hidden" places like healthcare providers. Everyone agreed that after a celebrity's body looked exactly the same as it did before she had the baby and how totally unrealistic that was. Since we don't live on an island, these influences are around all of us constantly which make them harder to ignore.

One of the moms shared her thoughts on how breast-feeding changes our perspective on body image. On one hand we're feeding a baby so breasts are bigger and on the other hand, our breasts are bigger because we are feeding a baby. Sooo, does that make them / us more or less sexy? And it can be equally befuddling to our partners when our magnificent breasts are so functional instead of just "sexy", as we know they "should" be.

Feeling sexy is harder now, most moms agreed. We have stretch marks, stitches or scars from a csection, wrinkles, leftover weight, even milk spraying breasts occasionally. And with all of that goes the usual baby accompaniments, which can mean nursing bras or camis constantly. Also Lilly Padz, more comfy clothes, middle of the night feedings, etc. 

The moms who come to these groups always offer the most insightful comments, one of which I thought was right on: for her, being a new mom is harder on the body than being pregnant. I completely agree with this and others did too. And this makes perfect sense doesn't it? Even aside from the physical exertions that your body goes through everyday with your baby (I remember my wrists bent at a brutal right angle when I held my daughter in the early days. That pain alone was something I wasn't prepared for!), there are also so many social pressures for new moms. Let's make a list of some of those:

1. "to be Facebook ready two days after labor,"
2. Lose that baby weight as quickly as Jessica Alba did (no corsets, please!);
3. Be in love with your baby, even though you might not be; 
4. Or maybe just be grateful that you have a health baby...no matter if your labor and delivery was traumatic.

There are also subliminal social pressures that affect our perspective on our own body image too; to not only breastfeed but make it look as easy, beautiful and "natural" as Olivia Wilde does for example.

Don't get me wrong: there are absolutely physical and social pressures on pregnant women (to not gain too much weight, not to drink or indulge in a Pumpkin Spice Latte, etc.) but I believe that physical and social pressures related to new moms and body image are longer lasting and, because of that they can penetrate our thoughts and self-esteem in more damaging ways.

So many factors influence how body image for new moms. Here are a couple of ways that we can fight those destructive message and keep our body image as heathy as possible:

1. Be realistic. Set yourself up for small success, like daily walks instead of huge goals like joining a gym when both time and money can be factors. Move yourself to activity when you're ready to not because you're supposed to or you feel pressured but because it's good for your mental health, in addition to physical health.
2. Be with people in person, more than online. Face to face connection is essential for our good health, yes, but face to face, like this free monthly group, is also a reality check. Not all new moms look like (insert your favorite celebrity new mom here!).
3. Practice Gratitude. Your body may not look like it did before you were pregnant but your body is where your baby feels safest and most loved. Your body may also be feeding another little being too. Not too shabby!
4. Remind yourself that You are Enough. Just as you are.  And if you forget? Don't look any further than your baby. The way s/he looks at you may be just the reminder you need.

For Durham area new moms, our next gathering is October 11, 2-4 pm. Once again, we will be at my office at 1200 Broad Street, Suite 104, in Durham. RSVPs are not required! Have a suggestion for our October topic, leave me a comment below.  Thanks for reading.

All in a day's (hard) work

"The purpose of life is the expansion of happiness and the ability to love and have compassion." - Deepak Chopra

What do you think of when you read this? I'm thinking of you.

...how much work you do everyday for your baby (babies). Going to work outside the home and pumping 2-3x a day while you're there, even at JFK as you head home from yet another work trip. Or staying home with baby and rearranging your day from wake to sleep around them and every little thing they need.

...how much love and energy you put into making sure they are thriving. From the visits to the pediatrician to the choosing of another nanny to the choosing of different pediatrician. You are tireless when it comes to making sure she is getting everything she needs, the best you can afford, the best you can find, the best you can offer.

...how much care you take when you change and bathe your baby. New wipes, on the go or at home, with every. single. diaper. change. Fresh, clean diapers, whether disposable or carefully laundered, with every. single. diaper. change. Checking to make sure the water in the bath is just right. Gently washing tiny fingers and toes.

You expand your baby's happiness every single moment of every day...whether you are with him or whether your partner or another caregiver is. I know you do; you love like you invented the word. With all your heart, head and soul. Every action you take, every decision is seeped in compassion for this little being. Because you are not only caring for her but teaching her a lesson about how to love and what happiness means. But don't forget there's another piece to the lesson: turning these actions on yourself too.

Caring for yourself at work- Asking for the raise. Taking a walk at lunch. Stepping away from a meeting to get fresh water. Heading out of the office for 15 minutes to meet a colleague or community partner for coffee. Getting the supervision, mentoring you deserve.

Pour energy into your own physical and emotional health- Going to the chiropractor for an adjustment. Connecting weekly with friends for a run. Talking to a coach, therapist or other support person for reassurance, advice or with any concerns you have. Schedule time alone.

Personal self-care- Shut the bathroom door and let your partner worry about the baby. Shower everyday. Get a haircut or a pedicure. Take a hot bath occasionally. Toss clothes that don't work; buy ones that do. Take deep breathes & vitamins. Eat foods that make you feel good.

You can't expand anyone's happiness or even teach anyone that their happiness is important unless you're willing to show yourself some. As a mom, it can't usually be a 1-1 thing. It can be a 3-1 though: 3 parts doing for your baby, 1 part for yourself. Any less than that and you risk your baby (who will be a watchful, smart child before you know it) learning a different sort of lesson: happiness comes from someone taking care of us and if that doesn't make us happy, something is likely wrong with us. Ugh. Who would want their child to learn that?

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Healthy bodies, healthy minds

A week before I knew that I was pregnant, I stopped going to the gym.  There was a flu going around and it lingered with me for a while, or so it seemed.  Getting up at 5:15 every weekday so I could be at the Y by 5:30 when it opened was suddenly too much.  Fatigue washed over me in waves, seemingly on a moment-to-moment basis. Finding out I was pregnant and not perpetually flu-ridden was a huge relief.  Even though I began to feeling better, I never did go back to the gym.

Intuition can be one of those elusive internal mysteries that we often want to have a tighter grasp on. I’ve long tried to cultivate a relationship with this whisper. So when the gym no longer felt like the right fit, I gave it up.  But exercise for me had always been more than about just feeling good about my body.  It is a way that I fight stress.  Maybe for you, too? Exercise got me through a house fire, house moves, job changes, relationships ending and huge work stress.  I needed it. 

Prenatal yoga felt right immediately.  The slowness and reflection with intentional focus on me were a perfect conclusion to a long day. My weekly yoga practice combined with daily walking were my prenatal exercise regime. 

Regular exercise is a must for you and your baby.  You don’t need to lift weights or continue your weekly spin class if that kind of movement no longer feels right.  But it’s essential that you do something active, ideally every day. I always say that I help good habits start early and one of those good habits is maintaining good emotional health in addition to excellent physical health. There are important emotional health benefits to regular exercise-

• Increased confidence in your changing body which will lead to greater confidence in childbirth;
• Less stress and reduced anxiety;
• Greater mental clarity;
• Increased feelings of calm.

There are obviously significant physical benefits to daily exercise for your and baby too: including stronger back muscles, improved circulation, greater energy, better sleep, faster ability to recuperate after labor, etc.

Regular exercise can also prove affirming to a pregnant woman who has struggled with disordered eating and for survivors of intimate partner violence or sexual assault.  Rationally we know that we need to trust our bodies in order to birth our baby but that can be hard if we have felt out of synch with or betrayed by our body.  Regular exercise along with an informed childbirth class can help survivors feel more confident with the potential of their body.

If you’re newly pregnant and haven’t been exercising, consider what kind of movement might feel good. Below are a few questions to consider:

What would feel better to you: being energized or relaxed?

Is there a kind of movement that you have always wanted to try?

Listen to your own internal voice,  If that feels overwhelming, try journaling or a Birth Counseling* session.  Remember, you’re as important as your baby.  Your needs count just as much so paying attention to them by honoring your body with exercise is a wonderful way to build confidence and trust within yourself.

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