Yvette was a pretty dark haired woman in her early 30's. If you saw her at Starbucks, you wouldn't believe she was a domestic violence survivor.
Read moreThe One Thing You Can Do To Get People To Change
Ask any hotline volunteer; empathy can go a long way to helping someone change. You don't need to necessarily solve her problem.
Read more#newmoms group: What's Your #Postpartum Plan?
The second Saturday of each month is the free Outside The Mom Box support group for pregnant women and new moms with babies under 1 year. Each session starts with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes at the end for Q&A. Last Saturday we had post partum doula and mom, Suzanne Lee of Eno River Doula talk with us about postpartum planning. Here are a few noteworthy bits of advice from that conversation:
Suzanne started out by asking our group of five new moms and one pregnant woman about postpartum plans were or had been. We heard first from a mom of a five month old who was easily able to share some advice about her experience. "I needed to accept a lot more help than I ever had before," she shared with us. This struck me as not only self-aware but also brave. It's hard to admit that we need help, especially when new moms are often told, (subconsciously or overtly) that they should be able to do it all. I remember feeling like I should be able to do it all, in spite of having a local sister who had already been there before.
Moms talked a lot about the challenges that surfaced that we hadn't anticipated. With unexpected challenges (not being able to produce enough milk for example) then it's often easy to label ourselves as a "bad" mom, a mom who "cannot even feed her own child," as one mom told me once. We are our own worst critic. That must change when we have children. If it doesn't, our negative self-talk will spill over onto our child. Kids miss nothing. They might not have the language yet to talk about what they see but they will. They might not understand the reasoning behind our anxiety yet but they feel it now. Better to start to work on those issues now than later on when your child is way faster at noticing and adapting than the baby he is now.
One new mom reminded us that it is also helpful to be willing to let go of our preconceived ideas about baby raising. That for her was about bedsharing. But this can be true of diapering choices, formula vs. breastmilk, baby wearing or vaccination schedules. When we let go of a set idea because we realize that it is no longer serving us, we not only grow more confident as a mom but we also gain skills in the practice of responding to our baby's needs.
We all know that family can be a blessing or, sometimes, a real curse. So as one new mom pointed out, "try to plan your visitors based on how helpful they are to you." Someone who is not as helpful or who may be higher maintenance, less independent and more needy could be told to come at twelve weeks instead of three weeks. Remember, this is the one time in your life when the world will essentially revolve around you...as long as you make your needs and wants clear!
Lastly, don't put off the inevitable: childcare for example. If you know you're going back to work, make as many arrangements in advance as you can to alleviate worries down the road. Plans can always change (see above!) but it's better to have a plan than to wing it later on when emotions are running high.
Questions? Comments? Share them by visiting my contact page or leaving your thoughts below. Thank you for reading! We will meet again Feb 14 from 2-4. Join us!
What are you carrying?
And I don't mean diapers and Cheddar Rockets. I'm talking about your emotional baggage.
I talked to a group of pregnant women and their partners on Tuesday morning at Women's Health Alliance in Durham about expectations and worries postpartum. Like the rest of us, most had done a really good job of taking care of the essentials before the baby arrives: getting the car seat installed, setting up a crib or co-sleeper, taking care of the responsibilities of work before we take our leave, etc. What was missing, for them, is preparation for the essentials that come after the baby arrives. Sure, we or friends have set up a meal "service" like Take Them A Meal but what about other essentials? Essentials like support from other new moms, permission to let the housework slide, time to take deep breathes, heal and be present with the emotions that we are experiencing.
Pregnant or not, as women, we've been conditioned to believe that we can do it all and that we should do it all. And that's our first mistake. This impossible promise, though, is much more realistic (or feels that way) when we don't have a child in the picture. As soon as the baby arrives, however, the gig is up. It quickly becomes clear that the social expectation of having it all/being it all/doing it all is not only unrealistic but also tightly packed with more shame, guilt and anxiety than we had ever imagined when we'd first stepped into those tight shoes. But once we're got them on, they're hard to just kick off.
In order to live with peace, be present with our children, sleep soundly at night, stay in good health and leave work behind when we shut down our computer, we must get rid of off these awful shoes. No matter how hard we try, they will never really fit us. And we are not the problem! They don't fit any woman. We need to shrug off what's not working because it's costing us a lot. Even as I type these words, I know how hard this is for me. Unless I get the pinwheel of death, for example, I never actually shut down my computer. I'm not alone on this one. It saves me time to keep the computer on, to just open it and begin to type. Doesn't it? And, is that short-term timesaver "enough" to balance what I'm giving up long-term?
To start casting off what's not working, we need to look carefully at (state aloud, document, get an accountability partner, etc.) what our essentials actually are. And that's a small, tight list! Once we know that, then we can start eliminating some of the emotional baggage of the "stuff" that we carry with us that prevents us from spending time on those essentials. There are additional costs associated with carrying emotional baggage which doesn't serve us. Intangibles like energy, creativity, money, focus.
We will talk about some of this in Toddler Group because the baggage that we carry also affects our relationships with our toddler, our partner of course, and other important people in our lives. When you're overwhelmed and feeling guilty, how do you think you'd deal with our impetuous toddler? Yeah, kind of like that.
What can you stop carrying?