The One Big Little Thing Survivors Need to Know About Sex

"Since my first ‘sexual’ experience was sexual abuse, I have never once been able to have an orgasm while having sex.”

We know that the more childhood trauma you were exposed to, the higher your risk for health and wellness challenges later on. But less well known is how past sexual abuse affects intimacy. I've been working with survivors for twenty years and have heard about intimacy issues just as long. Yet, this is an area where there is little hard data. So from 2016-2017 I conducted in-person interviews and did a brief, anonymous survey about the issue. One of the first people to share some of their story with me was “Jane”-

Jane is not alone in what she’s going through but she feels alone and that’s very painful. But here’s the one big little thing Jane needs to know: there’s nothing wrong with her. Her inability to orgasm during sex is common. (Also common are flashbacks, pain, lack of desire and an inability to get aroused.) So what’s going on? There are many possible reasons for a lack of orgasm. Let’s look at four biggies:

1. Vulnerability. Vulnerability is a way that we build and deepen connection with others. It’s a letting down of defenses in large and small ways. To be a survivor, however, means experiencing intentionally harm. It is to understand that you were seen as vulnerable or easy to manipulate. As a result some survivors are less open with people, even those they love and trust. Unfortunately, when they aren’t able to be vulnerable with people they trust, they can feel isolated and misunderstood. Being vulnerable during intimacy can be even harder, resulting in an inability to orgasm as a possible result.

2. Control. An orgasm is the peak of sexual arousal, then a release. Inherent in orgasm is a relinquishing of control*. But control is very important for abuse survivors who were hurt by someone who exerted their power over the survivor. Yielding control to someone else --even if a chosen partner and even with small, non-sexual things--can be very scary. So while it's a good thing to feel like you're in control, it can become a bad thing, especially during intimacy with a chosen partner.

3. Unpredictability of the body. Some survivors experience a betrayal of their body for the first time during their abuse. For example, their body may have responded in a sexual way to their abuse, despite obviously not wanting to be abused. Years later, they may be excited by a chosen partner and in a healthy relationship but their body may respond in a disappointing way, including challenges with orgasm.

4. Triggers. Dr Bruce Perry defines a trigger as any sensory input that reminds an individual of a past traumatic experience. Triggers can be a scent or a certain song. Triggers can happen years after abuse has ended and even if the survivor is in a loving relationship. They can be unpredictable, a trigger is more likely to surface during vulnerable times such as intimacy. Being touched in a specific place or hearing a certain word (“relax”) could be a trigger that inhibits orgasm.

While an understanding of how past abuse can impact the present is vital, so is a sense of personal agency. So what can Jane do?

One thing Jane can do is talk about the abuse. Jane mentioned she told partners that she is a sexual abuse survivor. This is a good first step. But because past abuse can come back to us at any time (triggers, during vulnerable times like intimacy, or even through media or current events) sexual abuse is not a one-and-done conversation. Jane also needs to find trusted people in her life that she can talk to about her abuse, beyond a partner or even a therapist. Having safe, trusted people in our life offers opportunities to practice being vulnerable. Doing so is an important way to build and maintain relationships and helps us feel resilient.

As we've learned, being sexual with someone requires vulnerability and an un-clenching of some of control. Emotionally, it's a very high risk place to be for survivors. But they can practice those skills in a low risk way with their safe, trusted people. Maybe they share a personal story or talk about a time when they felt scared or angry. They then can watch and notice how this information lands with the receiver. The best responses are ones that affirm their worthiness, validate that they're not the only one, remind them that we are loved and important just as they are. If talking about abuse feels scary or inaccessible, Jane could start by looking for an abuse survivor peer support group. Local rape crisis centers often host peer support groups.

Secondly, it’s imperative that Jane’s sexual partner is a chosen, desired partner. This might feel obvious but it's worth saying. A chosen, desired partner is the kind that causes the good kind of butterflies! Anticipation at being with someone and pleasure in their company is essential. These elements might feel different or new and that’s ok. Feeling indifferent or going through the motions work against setting the stage for good sex. And of course, feeling scared or pressured by a partner are red flags. No part of intimacy should ever feel unsafe.

The good news is that orgasms not only feel good but are good for us! They are especially healthy tools for survivors. A few areas of the brain that impact behaviors and thoughts (fear, self-evaluation, fight/flight/freeze) actually shut down during orgasm. These responses can be real challenges for survivors so being able to dim them, even temporarily during intimacy, is a welcome break. This relates back to control. Jane needs to feel as if she has choices and can exert control when she wants to. That is easier with a chosen, desired partner. Relaxing into pleasure can and should be a choice.

It can be embarrassing and lonely to be unable to orgasm with a chosen partner. But for Jane and anyone like her: you're not alone and there’s nothing wrong with you. 

*We can sometimes orgasm against our will, for example when we were abused. But in this case, we’re considering Jane’s story which I’m interrupting as her inability to orgasm during sex with a chosen, desired partner. 

This piece is originally from April 2017 but has been updated September 2025.

How Words Hurt Kids: What Happens When Slang Replaces Truth

Recently, I read something on Facebook that made me wince...

An aunt was helping her young niece in the shower. She reminded her to wash the whole body, including her vagina*. The niece responded, "where's my vagina?". The aunt pointed, asking "what do you call that?". The niece, following her gesture, said, "my lady parts."

Haha! We can all laugh about that, right?

But should we?

There are many reasons parents choose not to use the real names of body parts. Discussing sex or basic reproductive functions can feel daunting. Religion may also influence parenting choices. And no matter how we identify or what our current values are, we can never quite get away from how our parents raised us. Messages we learned as kids about the body influences our decisions today. "Boobs", "lady parts" and "hoo-hah" are pretend, slang. At some point, though, reality catches up with pretend and the effects are broader than you'd think.

While sometimes funny in the moment, slang is dangerous for kids.

Incorrect language can make kids look and feel stupid. Some of their peers know something that they don't. Those kids know what a vagina is and likely what it does. Knowledge is power; it's social cache, on and off the playground. Not being in the know can lead to feelings of insecurity and fear. These are not the feelings we want to cultivate, especially if we want to keep kids safe. Kids who are confident in their knowledge and trust their parents to protect and inform them are harder to coerce or groom.

Using slang also secretizes something. Slang is code that not everyone knows. "That's excluding!" my four year old would say. She's right. Secrets involve excluding some information from other people. She knows excluding doesn't feel good or safe. But she doesn't know that secrets shrinks people. Not only uncomfortable, a secret makes people smaller, and feel less capable than they are. Kids are especially susceptible to the dangers of secrets. They lack the agency of adults and often can't understand the potential impact behind secret keeping. Nothing about kids' bodies should be made secret. Privacy or "private areas" okay; secrets are not.

Ignorance and smallness are big deals but there's more. Slang reduces the body into something, less than, something not deserving of respect. If a girl uses the same slang ("boobs") that she sees someone else use to catcall or mock, she will associate her body with something less than.

Why give the body respect if we don't even use the correct names to describe it?

As a commodity, a thing, a woman's body is more easy to control. This is even more true of black women whose bodies are often fetishized in ways that white women's bodies are not.  Control looks like chopped parts in advertising. It looks like a multi-billion industry (and public health crisis) built on violence against women. It sounds like pregnant women being called "hosts" and presents as husbands being able to sue their wives for an abortion. Everyone loses when the female body is controlled and reduced.

"But my kiddo is in Kindergarten, surely this isn't an issue for her?"

Think again.

"More than half of girls and one-third of boys as young as 6 to 8 think their ideal weight is thinner than their current size,". That's a huge percentage of kids in the early years of their schooling. These kids, little children, worry about their weight. Why?

Because even at 6, kids can recognize what a "desirable" body looks like.  And when these kids look in their own mirror, they don't see it.

This isn't middle school; these kids are 1st and 2nd graders.

Kids, in many ways, become more vulnerable as they get older. They may not be as easy to trick but they are more aware of what the world expects them to know and how they "should" be (thin) or behave (diet). (Poor children, children of color or kids suffering from trauma often have even more challenges.) We need kids, especially girls, to feel self-confident and hang onto that confidence. Body image is not something kids are born with; it is learned. We must help kids love and appreciate their bodies. 

Here are four things you can do:

1) Use the right language to describe body parts...yours and theirs. Picking and choosing the correct body parts to use ("vulva" but not "breasts") is confusing. Even if it feels uncomfortable, use these correct words.

2) Normalize conversations around sexuality with kids. When they ask, tell them. Sex is nothing to hide away or feel shamed about. When you talk openly, kids know to go to you, not porn or other kids, for information.

3) Watch your language about your own body. Kids take cues from parents modeling when they are newborns. Negative self-talk including your weight are no exception. 

3) Help kids know what their body is valued for. It's not for cuteness or hotness but for strength, capability, doing good in the world. Telling them that you noticed their strong legs when they were swimming. Or how hard they were working to pass the ball to a teammate. Allow kids to see that you notice their efforts also helps develop a growth mindset.

Slang hurts everyone. But it can immobilize kids. Slang keeps kids small and stupid while also perpetuating the confusing Catch-22 of both disposability and idealization of certain female bodies.

Use the right language. Start now. Do it today.

*for this story, I am going to use the language that the aunt used, not the correct terms.