"It's complicated,"

"It's complicated." This is an answer we hear for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, those reasons are named. But sometimes we use the phrase as a signal we'd prefer to end the discussion. And hope people get that hint. But it's possible it's actually not that complicated. If you follow me on Instagram, you may have seen the video I posted a few months back in which I talked about my "good morning" experiment. In it, I ask what happens when we walk right past other people as if they are invisible.

One thing that happens is that we disengage from the communities in which we live. Practically speaking that disengagement makes it easier to ignore the person on our neighborhood list serve who asks for help. Or worse, to engage in a "me vs. them" online battle. It becomes easier to shut down someone's opinion. Or to call the police on a neighbor for loud noise even though you live on the same block and could conceivably talk to them without calling in law enforcement. (Which can be especially dangerous if that loud neighbor is a person of color.) When we stop seeing the person in front of us as worthy of "good morning" back, we stop seeing them as a person. Not complicated so far, right?

For those who pay attention to this kind of thing, this lack of greeting others is a sign that our communities are in decline. We are "bowling alone" and relying on Door Dash instead of the neighborhood pub. Fewer of us are also married or living with a partner. We're watching movies on Hulu, Amazon and Netflix instead the local movie theater. More of us than ever also take part in the gig economy, work remotely or freelance.

If this sounds like we are more alone then ever, it is because we are. Actually, it's no wonder people don't reply in kind when I greet them on a chilly morning. How many of them feel alone or are lonely? Or live solitary lives? Or feel safer being alone. They are so used to being by themselves, they are out of the habit of exchanging actual words with a fellow human. There may be many reasons why people ignore my greeting but there is a common, uncomplicated thread: inter-personal trauma.

I know that’s hard to believe.

After years of training on both “large” and “small” trauma-related topics, I recognize that some realities are harder to accept than others. One of which is that everyone is a trauma survivor. When some of us think trauma, we think of the ACEs. ACEs are a collection of ten adverse childhood experiences including domestic violence and sexual abuse. But rape and physical violence can happen to adults too. Regardless of when the trauma happens, people are changed as a result of the trauma that occurred. So while trauma is more likely to physically change the brain of a child, adults can be changed too.

Because trauma also changes people socio-emotionally. It changes how we see the world, including how we interact with others, and how we see our place in the world. Trauma makes us more inclined to retreat from people, to isolate ourselves. Trauma makes us less trusting and more wary.

So perhaps it's not complicated after all. When we are all share some variation of a common experience, we're more alike than different. Instead of "it's complicated," we can choose to start with a commonality. We can offer:

“This is hard for me to talk about,"

or "I have mixed emotions about this,"

or "I don't want to talk about it,".

Each of these vulnerability statements offers the listener something other than a weak platitude. Instead of a phrase that can often feel like a dismissal or condescension. Maybe we have more in common than we think.