{#TellYourTrauma submission} "I was a gymnast for ten years"
{#TellYourTrauma is an ongoing project designed to bring awareness to the prevalence of trauma. The submitted stories are used to support, educate and build community among trauma survivors. I also use the stories as a way to help educate both the professional audiences I teach. You can share your own story here.} ~~~
I was a gymnast at Kurt Thomas Gymnastics Training Center in Frisco, TX for ten years, where I endured physical, emotional, and possibly sexual abuse. Because of what happened to me, I have had 11 orthopedic injuries, including spinal surgery at 18 years old.
I quit gymnastics on Thursday, August 30, 2012. From that day forward I repressed every thought and memory I had of my time in the gym. Throughout high school those years of my life were completely black. Then, with the help of an amazing teacher who saw right through me, my memories all came rushing back. The last three years have been the hardest of my life. I was diagnosed with PTSD with dissociative symptoms, generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, an eating disorder, and more. I experience flashback, derealization, self-harm, nightmares, and such a severe startle response that I jump every time someone closes a door. I sometimes lose the ability to speak for hours at a time, and can feel the acts of abuse within my body as if they are happening right then.
I was lucky enough to be admitted to a residential treatment facility, where I spent 16 weeks working on my trauma. I wrote letters to all of my abusers, and participated in groups, equine, art, EMDR, and internal family systems therapies. I read my letters aloud to many people, detailing how I was slapped, humiliated, and had my calluses pulled from my palms. With those letters came the validation that I had never allowed myself to have.
Since being admitted to residential treatment, I have continued in outpatient therapy, attending ACA meetings, equine therapy, and taking medications. I still struggle with self-harm and was sectioned under the Mental Health Act after a suicide attempt in May. I now have a service dog, who helps me to be more independent and focus on the positives. Because of my trauma, I was laid off from my job, forced to take a semester off of school, and caused my family unimaginable grief. Nonetheless, all of my coaches are still coaching, despite being reported to the police, USA Gymnastics, Safe Sport, and 7 lawyers. My abuse has changed the way I see the world. There is a lot of evil in this world, and not many people who care enough to change it.
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