Impact of #domesticviolence or sexual assault on #pregnancy

Refreshing as it is (well, kind of) to hear domestic violence and sexual assault talked about more frequently in the media today, there is an aspect of that violence that is long-lasting and sadly, seldom mentioned. That is how the violence of an assault can impact a woman during pregnancy.

Pregnant survivors of violence have more challenges during their childbearing years than non-survivors do. Those challenges not only depend on the kind of abuse that the woman suffered but also when the abuse happened. Let's look at two examples of how this might look-

• An adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse becomes pregnant and decides to keep the baby. She learns the baby is a boy. She starts finds herself repulsed by the baby. She cannot stop thinking about how she has been abused by men and begins fixating on how this future man might end up hurting her too. Although she originally wanted the baby, the idea of something growing inside her is beyond horrifying. She is ashamed to tell anyone of these feelings but starts (often unconsciously) to make decisions that reflect that disengagement like skipping her prenatal appointments and not talking about the pregnancy with anyone.
• A domestic violence survivor who was abused by much older men including her father is untrusting of anyone and has difficulty maintaining relationships. She becomes pregnant and finds herself at a ob/gyn practice where there are older male doctors. At her appointments, she is unable to advocate for herself and ask questions when it comes to routine care. Or perhaps the exact opposite: she is very high maintenance, demanding with a highly detailed birth plan, only to turn around and at the next appointment announce that she wants to schedule a csection. 

A background of abuse has a huge impact on how a pregnant survivor thinks about herself and how she sees/thinks about others. This is not something that can be disregarded, either by the pregnant survivor or practitioners, friends, or family who interact with her. 

One of the issues that I work on with Trauma Counseling survivor clients is identifying the core issue for their visit and developing supportive tools to help them as they move through their pregnancy with confidence. We also work together to talk about what she might expect as her pregnancy continues. An adult rape survivor, for example, might call not because she's having fear around a vaginal delivery, although she really wants to "go natural". 

Emotional and physical changes as well as socioeconomic issues can complicate how any pregnant woman copes on a regular basis. But all of those are compounded and amplified in scale for the pregnant survivor who is already less emotionally equipped to deal with her changing identity. 

This is the first in a series that will look at how abuse impacts a woman in her childbearing years. 

Thank you for reading.

{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} "Did I have a traumatic #childbirth?"

I read a terrific blog post recently that one mom wrote about her childbirth experience. Her labor was long but not concerning. Neither she or the baby were in any kind of danger. From all outside appearances, things looks fine. The exact opposite of how healthcare professionals define "traumatic childbirth". But to this mom, her childbirth experience was traumatic. This is an important distinction.

If we followed the legal definition of domestic violence in terms of providing services to those in need, very few women would ever get help. The legal definition of domestic violence is just that limiting. Similarly if we allow medical professionals to define (or not) our childbirth experience, many of us would not only not have the opportunity to process it but perhaps more of us would feel reluctant to name our childbirth as traumatic. Both are problematic when it comes to our mental health. 

{Funny how both are "women's issues", isn't it?}

We make birth plans, hire doulas, take a childbirth ed class...all things we do to claim our childbirth experience. Claiming your childbirth experience doesn't end when that precious baby arrives in the world! If you feel that your childbirth experience was traumatic for any reason, that is enough of a qualification. 

You have a healthy baby, right? So what exactly do you have to "complain" about? Talking about your childbirth experience (or any aspect of mothering for that matter) is not complaining; it's you taking responsibility for your healing, your self-esteem and your identity as a woman and a mother. As new moms, it's important to practice separating out needs as individuals from our role as a mother so both pieces of yourself are allowed to matter. We've never done this before. As an individual, you have needs, dreams and wants. They are important. But as a mom, you're often told that your needs don't count. But that doesn't mean that those wants and needs go away. They are still important; we just need to own them better and feel supported doing so. Talking about your childbirth is one way to do this.

No, my childbirth experience wasn't traumatic. I feel very lucky because I have known so many women who did feel that theirs was traumatic but didn't feel that they could talk about it or name it for what it truly was. (And certainly no one asks!) This void is why I've started offering trauma counseling. Trauma counseling is a time for women to talk about a trauma related to their pregnancy or childbirth experience. So if you need to claim that childbirth experience as traumatic, today or five years now, you absolutely should...and feel supported doing so.

As always, thank you for reading! I am grateful that you're here.

Need a little Luve?

NewMama Luve that is.  

When you're finally home, you'll start to get into a routine.  It may be the least routine routine you've ever had but it'll be one.  And routine is important because right about this time is when you'll start to realize exactly what you've gotten yourself into.  Whether that realization comes when you admit aloud for the first time that you're afraid to leave the house or when it occurs to you that the baby hasn't been bathed since she was at the hospital doesn't really matter.  What does matter is that you admit it.

As someone who is a big believer in supporting others and asking for support when I need it, I happen to think that talking to others matters.  I often wished that I had someone non-judgmental to listen to me process exactly how crazy and lost I was feeling in my early days in the fourth trimester.  My sisters were there and a few other folks too but I wanted someone different.  Someone who had been there before, yes definitely, but also someone who could sit with me in the chaos for a bit. 

Lollipop included. (Really.)

Enter (18+ months later!) NewMama Luve- short, short term counseling intended for women within the first year post-partum. It's what I wanted and couldn't find. A few talk sessions with someone who has been there before.  Someone who won't think you're crazy.  Someone who can give you a reality check.  Someone who can offer excellent listening skills and loving support.  Someone like me.  

So, when you're ready to give yourself a break to process everything that's gone on for the past ___ months, call me.  We can set up a time to talk in person or via Skype.  Give yourself a little Luve.