{Guest Post} More Than A Feeling

This is a guest post by a sexual abuse survivor who lives in the Triangle area of North Carolina.

~~~~~

It's been a month now, but the feelings are still there. So many feelings...

The second presidential debate was a few weeks ago and like most Americans, I managed to stomach the 90 minute debate. Just 48 hours before, a 2005 video of Donald Trump making very inappropriate comments was released.  As a woman, the comments were disgusting and his "apology" was even worse. But the breaking point for me was the post-debate video footage of Donald Trump in the crowd. The GIF of his daughter, Tiffany, backing away as he approached to give her a kiss hit me hard. Like a hundred tons of bricks. It was a unknown trigger.

How did we get to this point? In the beginning the idea was laughable. Just 18 months ago, there was a whole list of both qualified and unqualified candidates running for President. But you Mr. Trump? Really? I had more than a feeling that the worst side of politics would rear it's ugly head at some point.

See what you don't seem to understand Mr. Trump is that whether or not you said those words 11 years ago or 11 minutes ago, many women deal with words and comments like this every single day. And as we have heard from (real) men, that is NOT locker room talk. For many women like me, it brings up bad memories and feelings. It added to our daily struggle. It hurts us to the core that a major party candidate for the President of the United States would say or think anything of this nature. For many women it is about past and current physical, emotional and mental abuse. It makes us vulnerable all over again. We have thoughts of the abuse, incest and mistreatment of our bodies, minds and hearts.

Do you have any idea how much we have been through? Do you know how hard it is to be the women we want to be when we may have to face our abusers on a regular basis? Do you know how hard it is for some of us to look in the mirror at the inward and outward scars? Do you know how long it took to get over the self loathing and body shaming? Do you know how hard we try to be great wives and moms despite everything we have been through? Some of us are still living through the pain. But we are strong. We are loved and we love. We work AND take care of our families. We are survivors. But you sir, you really have no idea.

I'm just going to be honest. I can no longer listen to the political ads or watch the news when they show your latest derogatory comments. The sound of your voice makes me cringe. The thought of you becoming the most powerful person in this world makes me want to run away. I cannot let myself think about an America led by you Mr. Trump. To do that would be giving up. Giving on myself and my family. Giving up on my dreams. Giving up on my future. Giving up on my hope for a better world.

I knew from the very beginning that this was more than a feeling and I will not sit back and allow you to pretend that you are what America needs or wants for that matter. Nice try though.

Thoughts on the close of another support group

“Elizabeth has a gift for teaching us. I have tried to overcome trauma (on my own) and failed but coming to Elizabeth has given me courage and hope to keep working on it.”
— Ebony age 38

Last night, I closed the chapter on my fourth and final sexual trauma survivor support group of 2016. It was a glorious, triumphant ending. (See flowers below). There were eight women at the start and eight at the end. A few were absent at this final evening but none dropped out, drifted away or vanished without a word as sometimes can happen.  

"Support groups can be an important place to start and build on our skills speaking our stories." - Allison

"Support groups can be an important place to start and build on our skills speaking our stories." - Allison

Support groups are quirky little communities. Good support groups are intentionally small and invite a volleying of vulnerabilities led by someone who has been there before.  Support groups aren't official "healing" as might happen with a therapist or even mandated group therapy as can be required for someone's treatment program. But healing does often happen.

“I love that this is therapy-but it’s not! That may be appealing to someone who has never been to therapy (like myself!)”
— Catrina age 29

At a time in our history when people are virtual with others all day long, support groups are a throwback to sweeter times, when support was shared across a kitchen table in someone's home. Sometimes we don't need extensive time one on one with someone. Sometimes all we need is love, in frequent doses by people who get us. That's what we get in good support groups.

My next support group is for domestic / family violence survivors and/or survivors of partner abuse. It starts Tuesday November 8 in Durham. The group is free and open to female identified folks only. Click here for details.

{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} "Did I have a traumatic #childbirth?"

I read a terrific blog post recently that one mom wrote about her childbirth experience. Her labor was long but not concerning. Neither she or the baby were in any kind of danger. From all outside appearances, things looks fine. The exact opposite of how healthcare professionals define "traumatic childbirth". But to this mom, her childbirth experience was traumatic. This is an important distinction.

If we followed the legal definition of domestic violence in terms of providing services to those in need, very few women would ever get help. The legal definition of domestic violence is just that limiting. Similarly if we allow medical professionals to define (or not) our childbirth experience, many of us would not only not have the opportunity to process it but perhaps more of us would feel reluctant to name our childbirth as traumatic. Both are problematic when it comes to our mental health. 

{Funny how both are "women's issues", isn't it?}

We make birth plans, hire doulas, take a childbirth ed class...all things we do to claim our childbirth experience. Claiming your childbirth experience doesn't end when that precious baby arrives in the world! If you feel that your childbirth experience was traumatic for any reason, that is enough of a qualification. 

You have a healthy baby, right? So what exactly do you have to "complain" about? Talking about your childbirth experience (or any aspect of mothering for that matter) is not complaining; it's you taking responsibility for your healing, your self-esteem and your identity as a woman and a mother. As new moms, it's important to practice separating out needs as individuals from our role as a mother so both pieces of yourself are allowed to matter. We've never done this before. As an individual, you have needs, dreams and wants. They are important. But as a mom, you're often told that your needs don't count. But that doesn't mean that those wants and needs go away. They are still important; we just need to own them better and feel supported doing so. Talking about your childbirth is one way to do this.

No, my childbirth experience wasn't traumatic. I feel very lucky because I have known so many women who did feel that theirs was traumatic but didn't feel that they could talk about it or name it for what it truly was. (And certainly no one asks!) This void is why I've started offering trauma counseling. Trauma counseling is a time for women to talk about a trauma related to their pregnancy or childbirth experience. So if you need to claim that childbirth experience as traumatic, today or five years now, you absolutely should...and feel supported doing so.

As always, thank you for reading! I am grateful that you're here.