Going To The Bathroom or Why Bothering People Is A Good Thing

On my flight back from Denver to Atlanta on Tuesday morning, I found myself settled happily  in the window seat. Until, I needed to go to the bathroom. Doing so means inconveniencing Aisle Typist and Middle Seat Business Person and, as I glanced up considering my exit, a drink cart and two flight attendant three rows up, advancing quickly. I think. As a mom, there have likely been moments when you have desperately needed to pee but cannot quite get to the bathroom. But my child isn't with me on this trip. I consider for another moment and get up. "Excuse me," I say to MSB. "How are you going to get back?" MSB asks. "I don't know," I reply and keep moving.

I walk down the aisle and happily slide into the bathroom. A quick peepee and I'm on my way. As I get closer, the flight attendant sees me coming and backs up a few rows. "Thank you," I say to her. "You're welcome," she says with a really nice smile. AT and MSB clumsily move out to allow me back to my window. MSB remains standing and after a brief hesitation, heads in the direction from which that I just came.

As I type this, I'm smiling. There wasn't any bravery or real risk taking in deciding to head to the bathroom on a very full plane but I'm still secretly thrilled that I did it. I wasn't going to! I figured, I could wait. I always wait to pee. In the middle of a conversation, carrying a toddler, no public bathroom, said toddler blocking the toilet, whatever. I always wait. But I didn't this time. And I felt worlds better, happy even. Two days later, I remember the good glow and that MSB decided to risk it.

We worry too much about bothering other people. I know I do. You likely do too. But we need to put that worry aside, especially when it comes to our own needs...even ones as "basic" as getting up to use the bathroom. When we do put that worry aside, we get a double header of goodness back at us: our right to feel loved, satisfied and successful are immediately affirmed AND people around us throw us a little more respect. They may not say anything but we don't need them to, do we? Putting aside this worry is especially important for moms. You may have littles at home (or bigs!) but your needs are still important. You still count.

So, go to the bathroom more often! Tell that toddler you have the right to potty too! Go for coffee with a friend! Hire a babysitter so you and partner can get out more (working on this one myself)! Whatever it is, do it. Take a step toward your own needs. And lower those bother-sensing antennae.

Did you do it? What was it? Leave a comment below. Thanks for reading.

3 questions about Toddler Group

Update 12/4/14: Toddler Group will start January 3 not December 6! There's still time to join us!

I've fielded a few questions offline about Toddler Group. My theory is that if someone has a question, someone else is thinking the same thing. So I thought I would take a moment and respond to those here.

"What am I paying for in Toddler Group? What do I get?"

Toddlers are tricky little creatures. Babies are sweet and while they might occasionally make us crazy with worry or their crying, we know that they aren't deliberately pushing our buttons. Toddlers, on the other hand, actively test boundaries and their own skills and push our buttons often. In Toddler Group, you get resources, ideas, support and education as you navigate through the often seemingly nonsensical world of your toddler(s) You also get a place to vent, share the overwhelm, make new friends, build community and be non-judgementally supported by moms who are going through the same thing. I think it's a rare bundle. 

"Why isn't this group free like New Mamas Group is?"  

I wish I could say differently but Toddler Group was not my idea! It came from moms who had attended New Mamas group. Because it wasn't part of my business plan to offer a new program, I need to charge for it so I can cover additional costs that are associated with me hosting another group. Costs like childcare, time away from my own toddler, energy to market this offering. When asked by moms I know to offer a program or service, it is really important to me that I do it if I can.

"I'm not sold. How else can you convince me?"

I don't want anyone to be "sold" on this program. If it resonates you, wonderful! If not, that's okay...for whatever reason.

I should mention who Toddler Group is not a good fit for:

Toddler Group is not for you if: you have a hard time supporting other moms' choices whether that is extended breastfeeding or homeschooling.

Toddler Group is not for you if: you are looking for a "platform" or "forum" to use as a way to convince others of your parenting choices. 

Toddler Group is not for you if: you're not willing to be honest with yourself, if you have a hard time being authentic with others or if you won't be able to "show up" as an imperfect, open-minded mom in our group. 

Toddler Group is a closed, time-limited group meaning once it starts, new moms aren't allowed in. Because this group will be small and not structured around a set-in-advance topic but is participant-driven, there is more one-on-one attention. But also because the group will be small, it is important that the moms really be able to support and encourage each other. That has been an unusual blessing in New Mamas Group: the lack of judgement and the warm support. I want that to continue in this group.

Update Tuesday 12/2/14: Due to a cancellation, I need minimum three more moms in order for Toddler Group to run. If you're interested, register here. 

Going Gray

Sometimes as a new mom, we get into a damaging "all-or-nothing" mindset.

Does this sound familiar? We eat healthy or we don't. We practice self-care or we don't. We're a good mom or we're not. Perhaps you already know that this way of thinking can wreak havoc on our self-confidence and our need to feel competent as a person and a parent. If this sounds familiar, then let me take this moment to remind you that there is a large middle ground in each of our lives called "gray". And if you're meeting "gray" for the first time, you're in for a real treat.

Neither black of white, gray is where possibility and practicality meet. It's a place where feelings of capability and worthiness are encouraged. Success happens more often there and feels better when it does. Gray allows small risks, then the chance to evaluate how they work out and take larger ones if the effort seemed worth it. Compared to it's more rigid pals of black and white, grey is flexible. 

What does gray look like in reality?

Gray is opting to do one vaccination at a time instead of the usual 2-4 because it still feels responsible but a lot less scary or painful.

Gray is deciding to go wheat-free as a trial period but eating the homemade bread that your brother-in-law proudly brought you as a housewarming gift.

Gray is acknowledging that you likely can't make a weekly playdate but will attend as many as you can.

Gray is working a 15 hr a week job doing something you like because having your own money is important to you.

Gray sets you up for success. It allows space for error, changing our mind and wrong turns without making us feel like an idiot. When we adopt a gray mindset, we give ourselves a safe space to be vulnerable trying something new. This is a good thing because what isn't new when you're a new mom?!  As a new mom, gray is crucial. We're learning who we are as a mom. Compassion not only matters but makes this journey more bearable.

What does gray look like for you?  Leave a comment below.

Thank you as always, for reading. I'm glad that you're here.

{new post} Taking The Offered Hand

If you're a doer, you'll want to read this one.

One of my biggest challenges as a mom early on was asking for help. In truth, sometimes it was dealing with the equally difficult occasional truth of not getting the help you asked for. When it was so.damn.hard. to ask in the first place. Hence I found myself not asking very much. So I sometimes felt torn when help was offered: should I accept and with that, also accept different ways of doing things or should I turn reject the help, fearing the worst possible outcomes? It went both ways in the early days with my daughter. But not anymore.

Now, when someone offers to help with Elisabeth, I take them up on it. My sister-in-law, Dorothea, for example. She and her husband don't have any children and are busy academics but they live close by and love Elisabeth. Dorothea offered a number of times even from the early days to watch Elisabeth if we wanted to go out. We took her up on it a few times but for the past few months (since our schedules have finally synced a bit), she has been coming over at least once a week to play with Elisabeth for 2-3 hours while I run errands or take a little self-care time. It's been wonderful on so many levels. Not least of which is the fact that Elisabeth gets fresh attention from an adult who she doesn't always see. Dorothea plays with her in a different way. She's patient with reading the same story and is able to keep up a steady pace of play, chatter and stimulation until my husband or I get home. Dorothea isn't bored or burned out after a long day, as I can be on a day where there hasn't been a nap or one of us is cranky. 

My friend Anna also offered to babysit Elisabeth this past spring when she was over for dinner. She doesn't have any children either and seemed to really like Elisabeth's company. A few weeks ago when I knew I had a scheduling conflict, I emailed her and asked if she was serious about her offer to babysit. She replied back immediately that she was. We did a trial run last Sunday where she came over for a few hours to play with Elisabeth so they could get used to each other. Again, the differences of another adult watching your child are really fascinating. When Elisabeth brings me one of her mini German books to read, I explain that I can't read the German. Anna, on the other hand, "read" the German book to Elisabeth telling me later that she couldn't read the German so she just made up the story based on the pictures. Of course I could do the same and sometimes I do. But more often than not, I read for her books for my pleasure too and my impatience to know and share the "real" story often gets ahead of my willingness to improvise! Anna will come back this weekend to watch Elisabeth. 

I've come to realize that we do others and our children a disservice when we turn down help. It's like giving back a gift or downplaying a compliment that you receive. The giver feels rejected and not worthy enough and you haven't done yourself any favors either! But when you take the hand that's offered, you offer the giver a return gift: trust and vulnerability. This is so good for you (think relationship strengthening, personal growth, self-care) but it's good for your child also. Her boldness or his comfort with strangers will develop in no small part to their exposure to different scenarios, different places and different people. 

Asking for help can be a slippery slope but accepting the help that's offered is a path of support that's less painful and prone for rejection. So next time a hand comes your way, grab it!