These lines are not for crossin': setting good boundaries

It can be awkward to make a change for the good. Like right now. I've hoisted one of my office cubes on top of my desk to create a "standing desk"...because apparently we are more productive when we move. Moving includes standing. But, I'm willing to dabble in the awkward for a bit and give it a try. Let's avoid physically awkward for now, though, and consider another kind of change for the good that doesn't require any heavy lifting: setting good boundaries.

After talking with clients recently about setting good boundaries, I realized each woman I talked to needed greater clarity on a good boundary looked like.

Boundaries are clear, concise statement that you give about how you need to be treated. They are non-negotiable, consistent and always stated firmly. They are not offered out as an inquiry or a "feeling out" of the other person. They sound strong because they are strong.

Your life, your game, you set the boundaries

But why bother? Is this a lot of hoo-ha or personal growth “stuff”? Not in the least. Boundaries are essential tools in order for us to feel confident. Boundaries help us weed out the people in our life that we need to do without (see below) but they also help the people we want in our life to be even more helpful to us. 

Did you get that last part? It’s important.

Boundaries weed out the people who suck the life out of you but help the people who recharge you, your “right people”, to do even more awesome for you. In short, boundaries are rock solid confidence-building tools that you need in your quiver yesterday.

Here are a couple of boundaries my clients set recently. Let me know if any of them sound familiar:

• A dedicated and hard-working employee, Jackie continually volunteered for extra work. Jackie and I discussed this bad habit and the importance of setting good boundaries, especially at work. Although a little wary, Jackie stopped raising her hand at work and instead decided to be aware of what happened when she didn't take on additional projects. She didn’t notice a backlash of people doubting her commitment or skills but what she did notice is her voice being taken more seriously. And a few weeks later at her annual review when Jackie told her supervisor that she would be leaving at 4:30 every day instead of 5:00 and would no longer be checking email on weekends, Jackie’s boss didn’t blink an eye. Getting the green light she wanted raised her confidence to the level she deserved.

• Susie was tired of being the partner to make dinner nightly. She was a full-time mom who didn’t work outside the home but felt she still deserved a night off each week. (Of course she does!) After her first few weeks of work with me, we talked about giving up dinner responsibility for two week nights. The following day, Susie told her partner that she would no longer be responsible for dinner on Friday and Saturday. He agreed and volunteered to make dinner on Saturdays and Fridays became take-out pizza night.

• Fatima has always taken care of everyone in her family, in addition to working a high-powered job. When Fatima’s sister-in-law asked for help with the divorce papers, Fatima didn’t blink an eye and stepped in. After she and I talked, Fatima realized that she was endangering all her hard work putting her needs first by helping someone else with a situation that she didn’t own or have any stake in. After she and I talked, Fatima called her cousin and asked him to help with the paperwork. He agreed and she handed it over.

What about you? Chances are there’s a boundary you need to set right now. My guess is you're waffling. Go ahead and try it: ask yourself -—>”What boundary do I need to set right now and with whom?”. In addition to all the confidence boosting work we talked about above simply voicing a desire allows you to believe you're worthy of wanting and deserving better. So what are you waiting for?

Share your boundary-setting story and what happened. Leave a comment below.

10 Things You Can't Do

Alright, "can't" is subjective but it's Wednesday! I'm only thinking about your emotional good health. Cut me a little slack and read on...

1. Wait until it's too late. You know what I mean. Only you know when that is. 
2. Stop singing. Even if your baby isn't a baby anymore. There's something about singing. If you can talk, you can sing. Metallica, even.
3. Postpone a love letter. Really. Just write one, send it, feel the love flow back to you and drink it in like a cold tonic on an August afternoon.
4. Hesitate when the thought comes to you. I made my husband a promise early on; if I was thinking it, I'd say it...or text it, if I wasn't close. If the thought is there, it needs to be said.
5. Say "I love you" too many times to your kids and partner. They need it. You need it. We need more love in the world. Just keep on giving this one out.
6. Stop taking risks. We need the shining successes that come only after many risks have flopped already. So keep going, lady.
7. Call your mother too much. Trust me, listen to Skoda, whatever, just don't wait on this one. 
8. Start the negative self-talk. Once it starts, it's hard to stop. Turn that shit on its head instead. Imagine every possible iteration of that nasty as glory, beauty and praise instead.
9. Start any sentence with "when I retire...". 'Nuff said.
10. Worry about other people's opinions. One of the original wise men* said, "Be Who You Are and say What You Feel. Those Who Mind, Don't Matter. Those Who Matter Don't Mind." It's quality, not quantity. 

Thank you, as always, for reading. I appreciate you being here. Question: what would you add to this list?

*Dr. Seuss, who else?

Now! Or later...

My 8th grade English teacher Mr. West advised giving a book 50 pages. If we didn't like it at that point, he said, it was fair to put it down. I think if Mr. West were in my life today, he would say that it's also fair to return to it later. And, he'd agree with me when I say, put a book down if reading it doesn't feel right. This came to me last night after I looked at my bedside table reading material last night and looked away. Before bed I don't want to think about business or practical feeding tips for my toddler. I usually want to decompress as I gently beckon sleep, not feel the need to take notes. I shuffled my stack after looking back at the same table again. This time I saw Mama Zen.

Graphic courtesy of Seth Godin.

I'd started Mama Zen months ago and felt a little "meh". Nothing resonated with me. Looking at it last night though, everything was a click. Clearly there was a reason it was still in my possession. It can be easy though to drift into a sea of self-guilt over "other" unfinished projects or set aside hobbies. And I was almost there. I was close to should-ing on myself for piles of books that I wasn't reading. But then I remembered that reading should be a pleasure. It is self-care for those of us who see books as an oasis. If reading is a pleasure, then we must always read out of a desire to do so, not out of obligation or guilt.

"Every book is worth reading which puts the reader in a working mood." Emerson said. And if you consider reading to be a way to care for yourself as I do, perhaps this will feel true for you too. Never beat yourself up for not finishing a book. Instead, remember that with reading, like parenting, timing is everything. If something's not working, put it aside. Try it again later. Shake it up a bit even but put it away for later. Even way later. There's a reason it's not working but don't divert energy into puzzling out that question. Just set aside and try again another time. Be gentle with yourself. And, when in doubt, remember this thought from Emily McDowell. 

Thanks for reading...now or later.

S'mother Love

Two nights ago, I said to my husband, "I just want to go to bed early so I can get up to go to the gym at 5:00!". This statement came as we listened to Elisabeth cry outside her bedroom door. It was 9:15. I hesitated going in because I knew I'd be trapped, cramped into a twin bed beside her, until she fell asleep. Waffling for another half minute, I finally went in.

One of the biggest challenges that I have as a mom is reconciling my needs with what my daughter needs. Almost three, Elisabeth reacts strongly to certain situations, seemingly without rhyme or reason, and in turn, I feel frustrated and resentful. This is certainly normal and par for the course for the age. And yet, I should be able to pee when I need to...or go to bed early...or leave the house wearing the shoes I'd planned to. Should. Because no matter how good your planning or intentions, things can sometimes come to an agonizing halt when an older toddler lives in your house. 

"I think I can, I think I can..."

When you're determined to do something you desperately want, it can be almost physically painful to not be able to do it. As a mom, I feel like I've been in that spot a lot recently. And no, it's not impossible to get up at 5:00 for the gym if you go to bed late. But I work hard not to scrabble through days, living from a place of personal deficiency. Less than seven hours of sleep is too little for me if I need to get up at 5:00. I know that. It's too little and it's also not sustainable. 

So, what do you do? Two nights ago, I gave up. I went into her bedroom and hoped for a speedy exit. I was lucky. But other times, I haven't been. Not being able to depend on luck, I have to fall back on options. I always have those. One option is to ask for help from my husband before I get to the resentful stage. Having a second person step in to distract, soothe the wound-up child can be a gamechanger for everyone's mood. Another option is to do it anyway: go to the bathroom, deny her chocolate, wear the shoes I'd planned, even if Elisabeth is having a breakdown about it. I won't let her sob, gasping for breath alone in the dark but I will eat when I'm hungry, dammit!

Even if the littles in our lives don't get it, we moms have certain rights. I may not have the right to go to the gym when I please but I do have the right to eat breakfast. But let's not confuse those rights with self-care! Breakfast isn't self-care; it's our right as a working mom who needs energy to care for her children. How we choose to claim those rights is up to us. Like so much else with children, this is another "pick your battle" type-adventure.

What options do you have that you aren't exercising?