What are you carrying?

And I don't mean diapers and Cheddar Rockets. I'm talking about your emotional baggage. 

I talked to a group of pregnant women and their partners on Tuesday morning at Women's Health Alliance in Durham about expectations and worries postpartum. Like the rest of us, most had done a really good job of taking care of the essentials before the baby arrives: getting the car seat installed, setting up a crib or co-sleeper, taking care of the responsibilities of work before we take our leave, etc. What was missing, for them, is preparation for the essentials that come after the baby arrives. Sure, we or friends have set up a meal "service" like Take Them A Meal but what about other essentials? Essentials like support from other new moms, permission to let the housework slide, time to take deep breathes, heal and be present with the emotions that we are experiencing. 

Pregnant or not, as women, we've been conditioned to believe that we can do it all and that we should do it all. And that's our first mistake. This impossible promise, though, is much more realistic (or feels that way) when we don't have a child in the picture. As soon as the baby arrives, however, the gig is up. It quickly becomes clear that the social expectation of having it all/being it all/doing it all is not only unrealistic but also tightly packed with more shame, guilt and anxiety than we had ever imagined when we'd first stepped into those tight shoes. But once we're got them on, they're hard to just kick off.

In order to live with peace, be present with our children, sleep soundly at night, stay in good health and leave work behind when we shut down our computer, we must get rid of off these awful shoes. No matter how hard we try, they will never really fit us. And we are not the problem! They don't fit any woman. We need to shrug off what's not working because it's costing us a lot. Even as I type these words, I know how hard this is for me. Unless I get the pinwheel of death, for example, I never actually shut down my computer. I'm not alone on this one. It saves me time to keep the computer on, to just open it and begin to type. Doesn't it? And, is that short-term timesaver "enough" to balance what I'm giving up long-term?

To start casting off what's not working, we need to look carefully at (state aloud, document, get an accountability partner, etc.) what our essentials actually are. And that's a small, tight list! Once we know that, then we can start eliminating some of the emotional baggage of the "stuff" that we carry with us that prevents us from spending time on those essentials. There are additional costs associated with carrying emotional baggage which doesn't serve us. Intangibles like energy, creativity, money, focus. 

We will talk about some of this in Toddler Group because the baggage that we carry also affects our relationships with our toddler, our partner of course, and other important people in our lives. When you're overwhelmed and feeling guilty, how do you think you'd deal with our impetuous toddler? Yeah, kind of like that.

What can you stop carrying?

3 questions about Toddler Group

Update 12/4/14: Toddler Group will start January 3 not December 6! There's still time to join us!

I've fielded a few questions offline about Toddler Group. My theory is that if someone has a question, someone else is thinking the same thing. So I thought I would take a moment and respond to those here.

"What am I paying for in Toddler Group? What do I get?"

Toddlers are tricky little creatures. Babies are sweet and while they might occasionally make us crazy with worry or their crying, we know that they aren't deliberately pushing our buttons. Toddlers, on the other hand, actively test boundaries and their own skills and push our buttons often. In Toddler Group, you get resources, ideas, support and education as you navigate through the often seemingly nonsensical world of your toddler(s) You also get a place to vent, share the overwhelm, make new friends, build community and be non-judgementally supported by moms who are going through the same thing. I think it's a rare bundle. 

"Why isn't this group free like New Mamas Group is?"  

I wish I could say differently but Toddler Group was not my idea! It came from moms who had attended New Mamas group. Because it wasn't part of my business plan to offer a new program, I need to charge for it so I can cover additional costs that are associated with me hosting another group. Costs like childcare, time away from my own toddler, energy to market this offering. When asked by moms I know to offer a program or service, it is really important to me that I do it if I can.

"I'm not sold. How else can you convince me?"

I don't want anyone to be "sold" on this program. If it resonates you, wonderful! If not, that's okay...for whatever reason.

I should mention who Toddler Group is not a good fit for:

Toddler Group is not for you if: you have a hard time supporting other moms' choices whether that is extended breastfeeding or homeschooling.

Toddler Group is not for you if: you are looking for a "platform" or "forum" to use as a way to convince others of your parenting choices. 

Toddler Group is not for you if: you're not willing to be honest with yourself, if you have a hard time being authentic with others or if you won't be able to "show up" as an imperfect, open-minded mom in our group. 

Toddler Group is a closed, time-limited group meaning once it starts, new moms aren't allowed in. Because this group will be small and not structured around a set-in-advance topic but is participant-driven, there is more one-on-one attention. But also because the group will be small, it is important that the moms really be able to support and encourage each other. That has been an unusual blessing in New Mamas Group: the lack of judgement and the warm support. I want that to continue in this group.

Update Tuesday 12/2/14: Due to a cancellation, I need minimum three more moms in order for Toddler Group to run. If you're interested, register here. 

{new post} #newmoms group: understanding #postpartum #moods

The second Saturday of each month is the free Outside The Mom Box support group for new moms with babies under 1 year. Each session starts with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes for Q&A, then close. For November, we had local therapist and mom, Aimee Vandemark talk with us about understanding our postpartum moods. Here are a few noteworthy snippets from that conversation:

Aimee started our conversation off by sharing a story of an experience she had with her own young children. She asked herself in that moment and to us on Saturday to consider, "what does it mean to have another being call us "mom"?". That question segued into a conversation on how personal identity shifts for us during the postpartum period. Our identity as a woman shifts so much as soon as we become a mother. New moods, feelings or other different emotions can become a new norm. But when should we pay attention to those new feelings and when can we accept and move on?

What does postpartum depression look like? There are lots of different emotions or feelings that go into the mix (overwhelm, guilty, confusion, irritation, anger, sadness, numbness, etc.), Aimee told us. One mom commented, "that felt like Tuesday!". I know the feeling! So how do we know if we should be concerned? Aimee said that the intensity and duration of those feelings is really crucial to pay attention to. Thinking about duration: were they happening on Tuesday or for the past two weeks? And when examining intensity, it's important to consider how those feelings are affecting your life: are you able to get through the day? And perhaps find that things are better the next day? Or do you find yourself so overwhelmed that even basic daily tasks feel impossible? 

One of our new moms who has struggled with depression in the past shared that our partners can serve as a good reality check for our emotional health. What a good point! Our partners are the people who know us best in the world. If they are noticing that we are different or that our behavior seems problematic or concerning, then that is absolutely something worth pay attention to. 

In addition to awareness from our partners, Aimee said that our own self-awareness is a really important skill to develop. And that may be fine-tuning, instead, if it's been a while since we've been in touch with how we're feeling about things. Issues like anxiety, depression, sadness don't go away in pregnancy or even after we have our child/children. It's important for our emotional health as well as the health of our entire family that we are self-aware.

With self-awareness, ideally, goes action. So if we are feeling overwhelmed by some of the mood swings that we have going on during the postpartum period, or otherwise, we need to reach out for help and support. Help and support can include: self-care, groups like this new moms group, time talking to a professional like Aimee, connecting with other new moms or even adjustments to schedule, parenting responsibilities. And self-compassion.

I often focus on self-care as an important piece for new moms to practice getting into the habit of but Aimee reminded us that self-compassion is just as important. Self-compassion is just what it sounds like: letting ourselves off the hook sometimes. Talk ourselves the way that we would talk to our child, to at minimum a stranger. Compassion for ourselves can look as "simple" as putting away the parenting books that are causing anxiety, talking yourself out of a negative "tape" that's playing in your mind, or reaching out to someone who has been a supporter of you, to give you a reality check.

Questions? Comments? Share them by visiting my contact page or leaving your thoughts below.

For more information on postpartum mood disorders, please visit my page on mothering and mental health. Thank you for reading! On the calendar for next month: travel with baby! Join us on Saturday December 13 from 2-4 pm.