Let *her* in

Even if I can barely hear David Green talking about the woes of the world, I make an effort to listen to Morning Edition each day. I'm listening for pieces like this one about breastfeeding and future success--stories and news that affect how we think of ourselves as women. 

Too often, I'm wincing. Like yesterday with the breastfeeding piece. When a pediatrician like Valerie Flaherman says "some women can't breastfeed for physical reasons or because they have to go back to work,", I wince at not only her ignorance but the cost to moms everywhere because of her ignorance. I can only hope as a researcher that she is not also in practice. Can you imagine going to your pediatrician and talking about challenges with breastfeeding or saying that you'd rather not breastfeed? Well, maybe you can. And perhaps like me, you may also imagine just how smoothly that conversation would go.

1 in 3 women are a survivor of physical, sexual abuse or stalking in their lifetime. This is a CDC number, not a number from an advocacy group but from a government agency. Technically, it is more than 1 in 3 (36%+) but for simplicity, I say "1 in 3". As I talk about at length in my When Survivors Give Birth trainings, past abuse or trauma can be one of the MANY reasons - beyond physical and career- that women don't breastfeed. Remember those early days? Your baby constantly at your breast (cluster feedings!), rooting around at your blouse or top, constantly touching your chest and skin with their roving hand. At some point there was also pain. All of these actions can be very triggering for a past survivor of abuse. Some survivors won't try breastfeeding because they have a sense just how triggering it might be. And some do try.

But there are other reasons that women cannot breastfeed. Women who have struggled with disordered eating or body image challenges can find the idea of breastfeeding scary or disturbing, on top of the many other changes that are happening or happened to their body. In the past, women who took antidepressants were encouraged to wean from their meds before breastfeeding. Scary but true. Weaning is not necessarily what is advised today as this piece points out. Fearless Formula Feeder founder, Suzanne Barston wrote a terrific book, Bottled Up, talks at length about the reasons why some women don't breastfeed. (Worth checking out if you're curious.)

Y'all, breast is not best. What's best is what's right for YOU and your family. Not what your pediatrician says. Not what some study says. What's best is what works for you and your family. .

There will always be stories about what we, especially we women, can do to be more "successful". And how moms can better support brilliant, well-rounded children destined for careers that improve the world and make boatloads of money at the same time. Let's turn the channel on those stories. Just like I'd never suggest "leaning in". , I never think it's good for anyone's mental health to compare themselves to others. You're not successful alone; we're successful together. Instead of isolating and marginalizing those who don't fit into tight criteria (who does really?), let's gather them together. Let her in. You know. The woman with the messy house or the one who doesn't talk as much. The much older woman or the much younger one. The woman who doesn't have a partner or kids. Or who has had many! Let's gather her and the rest together to build better stories about community, love and support.

Invite me too.

Thank you for reading.

Keepsakes

A recent DoubleX Gabfest episode started with a conversation around toddlers and talking. The hosts were talking with Margaret Talbot about her New Yorker article, The Talking Cure, which looks at a Providence RI program that seeks to teach lower income parents about the importance of talking to their toddlers.* The article is an interesting one but toward this segment of Gabfest, Talbot mentions more recent research by Unequal Childhoods author Annette Lareau which essentially says some upper class parents tend to be on their phones more...which is apparently just as problematic as not talking to their toddlers. Getting how mind numbing it can be to care for a a baby, my mind drifted toward the idea of keepsakes. 

Perhaps like me you kept a log early on dedicated to your baby. Mine was a simple notebook with basics (how many wet diapes, how many poopie ones) and moved into more interesting behaviors like first smiles or how long she would permit her daily tummy time. Somewhere around six months I stopped simply recording what Elisabeth did and started blogging my thoughts about her and parenting. I continued to take photos of course. Last August, I began to use the Evernote app to capture words and phrases that Elisabeth said. None of these are traditional "keepsakes" but they serve a similar purpose of helping record a life or event. 

We're inclined to take photos of our babies. Our smart phones are nearby, equipped with a more than decent camera, ready for anything. Lord knows, we pay enough each month for them, it can feel justified that they are attached to our hip! Many of us (me included) are also inclined to post  descriptions of cute things that our child did or said on various social media sites. Technology makes everything easy. Until we get lose it, break it or...it breaks us, that is. When every mom I know seems to wish for more hours in the day, "easy" is a no-brainer. Instagram, for example, is easy to use and hard to give up. It's not just a way to share a picture of with your sister three states away but also a way for you to stay in touch, see her kids playing and where she and her partner went to dinner. It's a connection. But do we need different kinds of keepsakes, other than our electronic ones?

I don't think there is one answer to that question. For some of us, no, we don't need keepsakes other than the electronic ones that we use. But for others, the answer is "yes". And I don't think it's complicated to determine which category you're in.

• Are you the DIY type? Do you like to scrapbook, write with a pen on actual paper or immerse yourself in paints, chalks, pastels? Are you at home with scissors and fabric, humming away on a project that isn't intended for public consumption? If this sounds like you, then creating a non-electronic keepsake may be a good idea.

• Are you more of an extrovert than introvert? Someone who likes being "out there"? Someone who appreciates others' shares and prefers to share with a larger number of people more often. Would you rather categorize the photos you took into albums on your computer OR print and put them into a scrapbook? If this feels more like you, then carry on with your Facebook posts, blogging and whatever else you're doing

While we might recognize bits of ourself in both "types", I think one is more like us than another. The challenge comes in owning whichever type that is and making it happen. It's never good if we find ourself acting more out of habit than true desire, if we post to Facebook when we'd really rather be writing in our journal. It's a trap we all fall into. I know I definitely do!

Do you have keepsakes of your child or children? If so, what are they? Leave a comment below. Thanks for reading.

* Research indicates that the amount you talk to your children basically depends on how much money you make. Working class families talk to their kids less, significantly less, than "professional" families do.

What are you carrying?

And I don't mean diapers and Cheddar Rockets. I'm talking about your emotional baggage. 

I talked to a group of pregnant women and their partners on Tuesday morning at Women's Health Alliance in Durham about expectations and worries postpartum. Like the rest of us, most had done a really good job of taking care of the essentials before the baby arrives: getting the car seat installed, setting up a crib or co-sleeper, taking care of the responsibilities of work before we take our leave, etc. What was missing, for them, is preparation for the essentials that come after the baby arrives. Sure, we or friends have set up a meal "service" like Take Them A Meal but what about other essentials? Essentials like support from other new moms, permission to let the housework slide, time to take deep breathes, heal and be present with the emotions that we are experiencing. 

Pregnant or not, as women, we've been conditioned to believe that we can do it all and that we should do it all. And that's our first mistake. This impossible promise, though, is much more realistic (or feels that way) when we don't have a child in the picture. As soon as the baby arrives, however, the gig is up. It quickly becomes clear that the social expectation of having it all/being it all/doing it all is not only unrealistic but also tightly packed with more shame, guilt and anxiety than we had ever imagined when we'd first stepped into those tight shoes. But once we're got them on, they're hard to just kick off.

In order to live with peace, be present with our children, sleep soundly at night, stay in good health and leave work behind when we shut down our computer, we must get rid of off these awful shoes. No matter how hard we try, they will never really fit us. And we are not the problem! They don't fit any woman. We need to shrug off what's not working because it's costing us a lot. Even as I type these words, I know how hard this is for me. Unless I get the pinwheel of death, for example, I never actually shut down my computer. I'm not alone on this one. It saves me time to keep the computer on, to just open it and begin to type. Doesn't it? And, is that short-term timesaver "enough" to balance what I'm giving up long-term?

To start casting off what's not working, we need to look carefully at (state aloud, document, get an accountability partner, etc.) what our essentials actually are. And that's a small, tight list! Once we know that, then we can start eliminating some of the emotional baggage of the "stuff" that we carry with us that prevents us from spending time on those essentials. There are additional costs associated with carrying emotional baggage which doesn't serve us. Intangibles like energy, creativity, money, focus. 

We will talk about some of this in Toddler Group because the baggage that we carry also affects our relationships with our toddler, our partner of course, and other important people in our lives. When you're overwhelmed and feeling guilty, how do you think you'd deal with our impetuous toddler? Yeah, kind of like that.

What can you stop carrying?