{new post} How a bathroom can be a vessel for voice

I've wrote before about life's invisible work, those acts of mothering that are unremarkable, everyday. We do them all day long and don't think too much about them. Nothing super important...unless you count the care and attention to your baby's thriving and good health as important. ;-) I was reminded of another example of life's invisible work recently: the search for a changing table when you have a baby.

I visited Northgate Mall in Durham yesterday in search of a watch battery. While the kind people at Shama Jewelry were changing the battery, I headed to the bathroom. I found them closeby, near the food court. There were two, both labeled "family restroom" and while I didn't have Elisabeth with me, there was no one waiting so it didn't feel like a big deal. The only real difference is that those restrooms have changing tables. Well, they're supposed to. 

We've all been here, right? You have to pee but you also know your baby needs to be changed. Finally, a sign that says "yes, both can happen here," and then you open the door.

Yes, you're right: that's large empty space is where the changing table should be.

I didn't have a wet or stinky baby with me but I was still angry! How in the world is this okay? 

Moms have enough to deal with.

Even if this "removal" just happened, it should be dealt with in a more compassionate way. How about a notice on the door as a heads-up? How about a sign or apology where the changing table was, explaining what had happened? Something, anything, other...than just an angry cloud of frustration and disappointment.

What's that saying? You're not paranoid; everyone is out to get you. Haha. Though between the stress of traveling with breastmilk or a pump and the "little" things not being able to count on even a changing table in a "family" restroom, it does feel like moms are sometimes treated like second class citizens in our world. We are generally the ones keeping the future leaders of the world safe, productive and happy, aren't we? Seems like moms could at least merit a sign on a door.

I'll call Northgate. And maybe this will be fixed. Sometimes, though, it's less about the end result and more about using our voice. Because moms do merit a sign on the door. But if we don't speak up about that, even though it's obvious, it's unlikely ever to change. Sure, your boss may just decide to give you a raise but you're more likely to get one if you make the case for one and actually ask for one. If this feels uncomfortable, you're not alone. It's hard to ask for what we deserve. (Although it's often easier if we ask on behalf of our child or someone else). But a public bathroom is as good a vessel as any for turning on that public voice that deserves to be heard and heeded. Your voice matters.

Stay tuned. Thanks for reading.

PS. If this article resonates with you, I hope you'll share it!  And if you're a mom of a toddler, I invite you to join my Toddler Group starting in December. Voice, identity and self-care will all be themes of that 3 month group.

{new post} September #newmoms group: #bodyimage

The second Saturday of each month is the Outside The Mom Box support group for new moms. Each session starts out with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes for Q&A, then close. Our topic this month was "body image.  Here are a few noteworthy snippets from that conversation:

We started by talking about where we get our ideas about body come from: media, tv and film, celebrities, internet including social media, friends, family and also "hidden" places like healthcare providers. Everyone agreed that after a celebrity's body looked exactly the same as it did before she had the baby and how totally unrealistic that was. Since we don't live on an island, these influences are around all of us constantly which make them harder to ignore.

One of the moms shared her thoughts on how breast-feeding changes our perspective on body image. On one hand we're feeding a baby so breasts are bigger and on the other hand, our breasts are bigger because we are feeding a baby. Sooo, does that make them / us more or less sexy? And it can be equally befuddling to our partners when our magnificent breasts are so functional instead of just "sexy", as we know they "should" be.

Feeling sexy is harder now, most moms agreed. We have stretch marks, stitches or scars from a csection, wrinkles, leftover weight, even milk spraying breasts occasionally. And with all of that goes the usual baby accompaniments, which can mean nursing bras or camis constantly. Also Lilly Padz, more comfy clothes, middle of the night feedings, etc. 

The moms who come to these groups always offer the most insightful comments, one of which I thought was right on: for her, being a new mom is harder on the body than being pregnant. I completely agree with this and others did too. And this makes perfect sense doesn't it? Even aside from the physical exertions that your body goes through everyday with your baby (I remember my wrists bent at a brutal right angle when I held my daughter in the early days. That pain alone was something I wasn't prepared for!), there are also so many social pressures for new moms. Let's make a list of some of those:

1. "to be Facebook ready two days after labor,"
2. Lose that baby weight as quickly as Jessica Alba did (no corsets, please!);
3. Be in love with your baby, even though you might not be; 
4. Or maybe just be grateful that you have a health baby...no matter if your labor and delivery was traumatic.

There are also subliminal social pressures that affect our perspective on our own body image too; to not only breastfeed but make it look as easy, beautiful and "natural" as Olivia Wilde does for example.

Don't get me wrong: there are absolutely physical and social pressures on pregnant women (to not gain too much weight, not to drink or indulge in a Pumpkin Spice Latte, etc.) but I believe that physical and social pressures related to new moms and body image are longer lasting and, because of that they can penetrate our thoughts and self-esteem in more damaging ways.

So many factors influence how body image for new moms. Here are a couple of ways that we can fight those destructive message and keep our body image as heathy as possible:

1. Be realistic. Set yourself up for small success, like daily walks instead of huge goals like joining a gym when both time and money can be factors. Move yourself to activity when you're ready to not because you're supposed to or you feel pressured but because it's good for your mental health, in addition to physical health.
2. Be with people in person, more than online. Face to face connection is essential for our good health, yes, but face to face, like this free monthly group, is also a reality check. Not all new moms look like (insert your favorite celebrity new mom here!).
3. Practice Gratitude. Your body may not look like it did before you were pregnant but your body is where your baby feels safest and most loved. Your body may also be feeding another little being too. Not too shabby!
4. Remind yourself that You are Enough. Just as you are.  And if you forget? Don't look any further than your baby. The way s/he looks at you may be just the reminder you need.

For Durham area new moms, our next gathering is October 11, 2-4 pm. Once again, we will be at my office at 1200 Broad Street, Suite 104, in Durham. RSVPs are not required! Have a suggestion for our October topic, leave me a comment below.  Thanks for reading.

"Your body is a wonderland! Real guys rhapsodize." #pregnancy and #bodyimage

And that's a direct quote...from this article on Fit Pregnancy last week. I think it's troubling that a website which professes to be a "prenatal and postpartum guide" features an article, authored by a man (of course), that focuses on sex appeal. "What's the big deal?" some may say, or, "how fun/cute/cool!". Here's why I object to articles like this:

When the focus is on a woman's body, it's easier to disregard her feelings, her thoughts, her experience. It's easier to treat her like an object, instead of a real person with wishes, fears and dreams. When the focus is on "sexy", the focus is on the body, not on the woman. The difference is slight but important. So, here's an alternative: how about instead of focussing on how pregnancy is sexy, we focus on how women can feel good about themselves when pregnant? Not as cool, sure, but crucial. 

We need to be more concerned with how women feel about something, not less. We need less objectification of women and their bodies, not more. This is true for all women but especially true for pregnant women: she is more than just a vessel for a baby. 

 I think the intention behind articles like this is a good one. But the way that this message is delivered, with the emphasis on how attractive pregnant women are to men, is completely off base. It shouldn't even need to be said but here it is: pregnant women's bodies are not on display for the male nod of approval.

Already, everyday, many times a day, women get the message that how their body looks is more important than their mind, than what they do for work, than how they care for their family. It's more important than anything else. I think we can do better. But that means more women (hopefully you) speaking up against damaging body shaming messages. It takes a moment, yes, and sometimes it's a Debbie Downer but women dominate every social media platform except one. Even if we just took our battle to the internet, we could do a world of good. Let's use that power.

How? Share this post. Write a quick comment when you see an article like the one I'm writing about here. Facebook or Tweet why sexualizing pregnant women's bodies is a problem. 

What say you, pregnant ladies? How do you feel about articles like this? Leave me a comment below. Thanks for sharing.

{new post} After, #babies should she stay or should she go?

The fact that the US is the only developed country in the world to not offer paid maternity leave as part of federal policy will come as no surprise to new moms. What this means in reality is that whether or not you, as an employee, will receive any kind of paid leave when you have your baby is up to your employer. Federal law does allow that you can take up to three months off from your job but this time is usually unpaid. Could our lack of paid maternity leave be one of the reasons that more and more women are not working or choosing not to work?

A recent piece in The New York Times posits that the answer to this is a resounding yes. Add in the fact that even "choice" employers in our area (Duke, UNC among them) seldom offer childcare, flexible work schedules, the option to job share or moving from a full-time job to a part time one, and you can see why some women might choose not to work at all after the baby, especially if they weren't passionate about their job anyway. 

{Anecdotally, this departure from the workforce is something that I see in happening in real time with clients, other moms, and of course, myself..}

I think this dialogue about women and work is a really important one because it calls attention to the real issue: why a country as rich in resources as our own chooses not to provide the emotional and physical safety net of maternity leave for new moms and their families. It also refocuses away from the perpetually popular topic of "mommy wars" that the media can't seem to let go of.

What do you think? If you're a mom with a child/children, did you go back to work after baby? Or if you didn't, why not? And if you're pregnant, what are your plans regarding work? Share with me below and leave a comment.