{new post} How a bathroom can be a vessel for voice

I've wrote before about life's invisible work, those acts of mothering that are unremarkable, everyday. We do them all day long and don't think too much about them. Nothing super important...unless you count the care and attention to your baby's thriving and good health as important. ;-) I was reminded of another example of life's invisible work recently: the search for a changing table when you have a baby.

I visited Northgate Mall in Durham yesterday in search of a watch battery. While the kind people at Shama Jewelry were changing the battery, I headed to the bathroom. I found them closeby, near the food court. There were two, both labeled "family restroom" and while I didn't have Elisabeth with me, there was no one waiting so it didn't feel like a big deal. The only real difference is that those restrooms have changing tables. Well, they're supposed to. 

We've all been here, right? You have to pee but you also know your baby needs to be changed. Finally, a sign that says "yes, both can happen here," and then you open the door.

Yes, you're right: that's large empty space is where the changing table should be.

I didn't have a wet or stinky baby with me but I was still angry! How in the world is this okay? 

Moms have enough to deal with.

Even if this "removal" just happened, it should be dealt with in a more compassionate way. How about a notice on the door as a heads-up? How about a sign or apology where the changing table was, explaining what had happened? Something, anything, other...than just an angry cloud of frustration and disappointment.

What's that saying? You're not paranoid; everyone is out to get you. Haha. Though between the stress of traveling with breastmilk or a pump and the "little" things not being able to count on even a changing table in a "family" restroom, it does feel like moms are sometimes treated like second class citizens in our world. We are generally the ones keeping the future leaders of the world safe, productive and happy, aren't we? Seems like moms could at least merit a sign on a door.

I'll call Northgate. And maybe this will be fixed. Sometimes, though, it's less about the end result and more about using our voice. Because moms do merit a sign on the door. But if we don't speak up about that, even though it's obvious, it's unlikely ever to change. Sure, your boss may just decide to give you a raise but you're more likely to get one if you make the case for one and actually ask for one. If this feels uncomfortable, you're not alone. It's hard to ask for what we deserve. (Although it's often easier if we ask on behalf of our child or someone else). But a public bathroom is as good a vessel as any for turning on that public voice that deserves to be heard and heeded. Your voice matters.

Stay tuned. Thanks for reading.

PS. If this article resonates with you, I hope you'll share it!  And if you're a mom of a toddler, I invite you to join my Toddler Group starting in December. Voice, identity and self-care will all be themes of that 3 month group.

Going Gray

Sometimes as a new mom, we get into a damaging "all-or-nothing" mindset.

Does this sound familiar? We eat healthy or we don't. We practice self-care or we don't. We're a good mom or we're not. Perhaps you already know that this way of thinking can wreak havoc on our self-confidence and our need to feel competent as a person and a parent. If this sounds familiar, then let me take this moment to remind you that there is a large middle ground in each of our lives called "gray". And if you're meeting "gray" for the first time, you're in for a real treat.

Neither black of white, gray is where possibility and practicality meet. It's a place where feelings of capability and worthiness are encouraged. Success happens more often there and feels better when it does. Gray allows small risks, then the chance to evaluate how they work out and take larger ones if the effort seemed worth it. Compared to it's more rigid pals of black and white, grey is flexible. 

What does gray look like in reality?

Gray is opting to do one vaccination at a time instead of the usual 2-4 because it still feels responsible but a lot less scary or painful.

Gray is deciding to go wheat-free as a trial period but eating the homemade bread that your brother-in-law proudly brought you as a housewarming gift.

Gray is acknowledging that you likely can't make a weekly playdate but will attend as many as you can.

Gray is working a 15 hr a week job doing something you like because having your own money is important to you.

Gray sets you up for success. It allows space for error, changing our mind and wrong turns without making us feel like an idiot. When we adopt a gray mindset, we give ourselves a safe space to be vulnerable trying something new. This is a good thing because what isn't new when you're a new mom?!  As a new mom, gray is crucial. We're learning who we are as a mom. Compassion not only matters but makes this journey more bearable.

What does gray look like for you?  Leave a comment below.

Thank you as always, for reading. I'm glad that you're here.

{new post} Taking The Offered Hand

If you're a doer, you'll want to read this one.

One of my biggest challenges as a mom early on was asking for help. In truth, sometimes it was dealing with the equally difficult occasional truth of not getting the help you asked for. When it was so.damn.hard. to ask in the first place. Hence I found myself not asking very much. So I sometimes felt torn when help was offered: should I accept and with that, also accept different ways of doing things or should I turn reject the help, fearing the worst possible outcomes? It went both ways in the early days with my daughter. But not anymore.

Now, when someone offers to help with Elisabeth, I take them up on it. My sister-in-law, Dorothea, for example. She and her husband don't have any children and are busy academics but they live close by and love Elisabeth. Dorothea offered a number of times even from the early days to watch Elisabeth if we wanted to go out. We took her up on it a few times but for the past few months (since our schedules have finally synced a bit), she has been coming over at least once a week to play with Elisabeth for 2-3 hours while I run errands or take a little self-care time. It's been wonderful on so many levels. Not least of which is the fact that Elisabeth gets fresh attention from an adult who she doesn't always see. Dorothea plays with her in a different way. She's patient with reading the same story and is able to keep up a steady pace of play, chatter and stimulation until my husband or I get home. Dorothea isn't bored or burned out after a long day, as I can be on a day where there hasn't been a nap or one of us is cranky. 

My friend Anna also offered to babysit Elisabeth this past spring when she was over for dinner. She doesn't have any children either and seemed to really like Elisabeth's company. A few weeks ago when I knew I had a scheduling conflict, I emailed her and asked if she was serious about her offer to babysit. She replied back immediately that she was. We did a trial run last Sunday where she came over for a few hours to play with Elisabeth so they could get used to each other. Again, the differences of another adult watching your child are really fascinating. When Elisabeth brings me one of her mini German books to read, I explain that I can't read the German. Anna, on the other hand, "read" the German book to Elisabeth telling me later that she couldn't read the German so she just made up the story based on the pictures. Of course I could do the same and sometimes I do. But more often than not, I read for her books for my pleasure too and my impatience to know and share the "real" story often gets ahead of my willingness to improvise! Anna will come back this weekend to watch Elisabeth. 

I've come to realize that we do others and our children a disservice when we turn down help. It's like giving back a gift or downplaying a compliment that you receive. The giver feels rejected and not worthy enough and you haven't done yourself any favors either! But when you take the hand that's offered, you offer the giver a return gift: trust and vulnerability. This is so good for you (think relationship strengthening, personal growth, self-care) but it's good for your child also. Her boldness or his comfort with strangers will develop in no small part to their exposure to different scenarios, different places and different people. 

Asking for help can be a slippery slope but accepting the help that's offered is a path of support that's less painful and prone for rejection. So next time a hand comes your way, grab it! 

{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} 13 #stress busters for #newmoms

Release your inner hula-hooper!

Okay, moms, you may not be pregnant any more but it's still absolutely essential that you practice good self-care. Perhaps even more important than before because now you have an entire person depending on your good health, both emotional and physical. Below are 13 stress busters especially designed for you new moms.

1. Stay hydrated. Obviously essential when you’re breast-feeding but so important for everyone else. If we have issues with things like vaginal dryness, for example, hydration can be linked to that. Ditto for headaches and fatigue. Got either of those? Tea, coffee and alcohol dehydrate too so you need more water if you are drinking those.

2. Go outside. There's just something about stepping out of your house into the world. The air is different, the ceiling is higher, the light is likely brighter. It's calming, for you and your child. Calm is good. Just typing these words gets me taking some deep breathes. Bundle up if you need to but head outside and just see what you notice...about yourself and the world that you see around you. Take some deep breathes when you're out there.

3. Make self-care a part of your everyday routine. Seriously. It can be part of your everyday while not adding extra "work". Some small ways to do so? Take good, whole-food based vitamins and supplements. Dab a calming essential oil on your wrists. Get up 5 minutes earlier. Stretch your body before the day starts. 

4. Keep (start) saying "no". Ugh, this is a hard one but gosh, is it a goodie! This is one where you notice the difference immediately. Remember that saying "no" gives someone else the opportunity to say “yes”. Saying "no" also allows people who are more expert than you to do the work. Saying "no" also frees up more emotional energy which we all need. 

5. Take breaks...at work, at home. Step away from the computer (or phone). Head to the bathroom, the break room or kitchen. When you're in that new place, do something different than what you were doing: brew a cup of tea, pour a glass of water, open a magazine, talk to someone in person. Breaks are essential for us to continue to do good work, not get bored, burned or resentful. 5 minutes, 15 minutes, 50 minutes, it's all good.

6. Move more, click less. You know what I mean. Get thee away from this screen!  Roll (kick/throw) a ball to your child. Whip out your hula hoop. Take a barre class. Buy a barre for your living room, if you can't get to class. Bring your child or not. But moving not only gets you connected to your body, builds strength and eases stress but it also often connects you face-to-face with others. That's better for you than screen time, anytime.

7. Talk to a friend. In person. Remember what that was like? It felt good, right? Okay, so start it up again. Even if it only 30 minutes, make it happen. Connecting with friends in person is so crucial. They are our reality check, our champion, our support system. We need them. But if theyre not..

8. Keep “better” company. That may mean not accepting friend requests from people who you don’t really want to get to know better/stay in touch with. or it could mean dropping a friendship that has been draining you. The company we keep influences our emotional health. Just ask anyone who's struggling in her marriage or just moved to a new town. 

9. Meet a neighbor. Some of my neighbors are having a block potluck this Sunday and I'm excited! The group socialization isn't everyone's bag, I know. But studies show that being connected to your greater community, your neighborhood, is actually good for your health. It can also be a really nice way to de-stress, meet new people and apologize in advance for the flowers that your toddler might pick from a garden other than his own.

10. Let go of what's not working. You know you have something that's nor working that you feel you should let go. What is it? Decide when and how you;re going to drop it. Remember, saying "no" opens ups a "yes" for someone else. If it feels like there are a lot of stressors and you feel conflicted about what to let go, it can help to talk them out with someone unattached to them. Click here to learn about my wellness coaching offerings. And message me if you need a 15% off coupon ;-)

11. Go out with your honey. No babysitter? No problem! Head over to my Facebook page and leave me a comment that you'd like to be connected into our local babysitter swap. What if you're not local to Durham? What about starting a swap in your own 'hood? Put the idea out via your local moms group or neighborhood list serve.

12. Practice gratitude. And make it public if you can. Facebook it or Tweet it or..don't. The idea is to offer up what you feel grateful for as a way to practice mindfulness and just to be present with what is good. The stress won't necessarily abate but you might find yourself less anxious about what is distressing or challenging you. 

13. Eat an apple. Low calorie, packed with fiber and Vitamin C, this Fall fruit is a perfect complement to any healthy changes you want to make. Apples are also associated with lowering risk of heart disease and cardiovascular disease. For all the good they offer, apples are also relatively inexpensive although they are one of those fruits which ideally you want to eat organic since you are consuming the skin. Take a bite!

What's missing? What would you add? Leave me a comment below. And, as always, thanks for reading.