{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} Book Review: The Vital Touch by Sharon Heller

"This book is about the continuous battle between our genes and our culture," so begins Dr. Sharon Heller in the introduction of _The Vital Touch_. And with that lead-in you can only guess where things go from there! _The Vital Touch_ was required reading for my DONA-approved post-partum doula training so I read it when my daughter was about five months old. While the book spends plenty of time on newborns, it is an appropriate (and I would say, important) read for anyone with a baby under 1 year. Disclaimer: _The Vital Touch_is almost 20 years old and while I would normally steer clear of recommending older resources, I feel very strongly that the knowledge it contains is both relevant and crucial for new parents to access.

As the title would tell you, Heller offers plenty of evidence in support of being physically and emotionally engaged with your baby.  But one of the strongest aspects of the book I think is in her comparison with how the US compares with other countries in terms of how we care and respond to babies. For example: Heller tells us that American babies are among the least held babies in the world. Knowing how the US ranks in terms of infant mortality, I think this statistic, while almost twenty years old, is likely still true, sadly. With stories, facts and figures, Heller gently prompts us to look closely at what is lost when babies needs are ignored or attended to in less a way than they should be. Frankly, it is fascinating. 

And there's no easy answer here. As I've said before here and here, here too is that we need to redirect fault away from mom and toward a society which doesn't set new moms up with the tools that we need for success when our baby is born. That's a problem. I believe that most moms make decisions that they believe are best for their child. So while Heller addresses many of the issues that I've discussed before in terms of the culture of absence that new moms are born into, there isn't the same call to action that Katrina Alcorn offers readers in _Maxed Out_. I'm okay with this, however, because: 1) Heller's strength is really that of an anthropologist and educator and she does such an outstanding job in these areas and 2) in 1997, there just wasn't a concerted effort or public urgency around organizing for societal change for moms that we see today. 

_The Vital Touch_is a truly must-read for any new parent. But it feels especially relevant for new parents who are curious about child development in their baby. Heller is accessible, compassionate and curious...all of which make _The Vital Touch_not only an engaging but a relatively easy one too.

Is there a book that you are curious about that you'd like me to review? Leave me a comment below.

Update: I did email Dr. Heller and ask if she planned to do an updated version of The Vital Touch and she wrote back with this: "no updated version. Publishers don't do this unless books sell volumes and unfortunately this one hasn't. But thanks for reaching out & for your support!" Never hurts to ask. :-)

{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} Why is it so darn hard to feel like a good #mom?

Do you hear from others that you are a good mom and sometimes have a hard time believing them? I did, especially in those very early days when my daughter was in those single digits. Intellectually I believed what the person was saying; I knew that they weren't lying or trying to placate me. But emotionally, I felt like I sometimes was failing Elisabeth. Because of that belief (even if it was occasional), I found it hard to believe that I was a good mom.  Here are a few examples of moments that made it hard for me to feel like a good mom:

1. I'd share a story of a recent baby challenge with one of my sisters or a friend and ask, “did _____ ever do anything like that?” and they'd answer “No.” Argh! "Is it just me?", I would wonder.
2. Elisabeth was growing so quickly and in so many different ways that reading her “cues”, following her lead or knowing how to best stimulate her learning felt impossible sometimes. And then I felt foolish or stupid.
3. Given the choice of a shower or breakfast, I always opted for the shower even though I knew that I should eat. 
4. My husband has a billion songs from childhood that he remembers very easily. Me? Not one. For months I didn't sing "you are my sunshine," (one of the only songs I know) because it felt too depressing. "What kind of mom isn't singing to her baby?" I'd think.
5. Elisabeth was ten months before I took her to story time at the library. But everyone seemed like they'd been going for years...judging by how well they knew the finger plays!

There's more of course. Society pushes women so much toward an impossible double standard that it can be hard to feel like a success at anything! But putting even that aside as much as I can, I've learned two things that have made me feel calmer and more confident about the kind of mom I am:

Elisabeth at seven months

1. Support from other moms is essential. I started going to Paula's new moms groups because I wanted the support and community around a new baby but quickly found I was running the group! That was wonderful but didn't answer my need for support. So, I started connecting to newer moms in my community through local list serves as well as reaching out to moms from my childbirth class. Those actions helped me feel less alone and also provided support and encouragement about my parenting. When one mom said she thought Elisabeth was "brave, open to new experiences," I felt like I had won the lottery! If she was seen as brave at seven months, I must be doing something right.
2. Time away from baby gives great perspective. I started working two afternoons a week when Elisabeth was five months. It was one of the best decisions that I've ever made. I was desperate for adult company, to have a little money coming in but didn't want to feel stressed by my work. Working part-time in retail fit the bill...along with being pretty and fun too! The time at work freed up my mind too. I started to imagine what kind of work I wanted to do and eventually started planning Outside The Mom Box. I came back to my family refreshed and energized with a new perspective on the parenting that I was doing and what I wanted to be more cognizant of in the future.

Today, I don't think much about whether or not I'm a good mom: I know I am. I may periodically miss signs that Elisabeth is giving me or waited a while to schedule her first dentist appointment (whoops!) but I'm less inclined to evaluate my parenting based on what I haven't done. 

Thanks as always for reading! If you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it by clicking the little "share" icon below, located just to the right of the heart. 

{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} Impact of maternal #childhood #sexualabuse on #babies

Childhood sexual assault (CSA) survivors have a different set of challenges than new moms who aren't survivors. [For perspective, about 1 in 7 girls will be sexually abused before her 18th birthday.] These challenges can manifest themselves in different, often unexpected ways, not just in mom, but also in baby. As the first in a new series here dedicated to raising awareness about the realities that survivors face as pregnant women and new moms, I'm going to highlight three ways that a history of CSA in mom can impact a newborn's health and well being:

1. From the strange new feeling of your milk letting down to the realization that your breasts really aren't your own anymore, breastfeeding can be a very triggering act for a survivor. Add in factors like an infant's roving hand, pain of any sort, feedings at all hours and you can start to see why some survivors don't breastfeed. For survivor moms, it's usually less of a "choice" and instead often related to not being able to tolerate breastfeeding or the fact that it just doesn't work for them. And yet, we all know that breastfeeding is ideal for baby. Studies that confirm this are numerous; check out the first paragraph here for details. 
2.  Failure to thrive (FTT) is a state of undernutrition due to inadequate caloric intake, inadequate caloric absorption, or excessive caloric expenditure. There are two types of FTT: non-organic (a non-medical reason the infant isn't thriving) and organic (a medical reason that the baby isn't thriving). With both types, the bottom line is that baby isn't getting fed enough. There are many reasons why FTT can occur: lack of success breastfeeding, emotional overwhelm in mom, misunderstanding or a lack of understanding about basic infant needs in mom/parents, lack of attachment to baby by mom, etc. Each of these above reasons can be by-products of mom's past history of abuse. Dr. Kathleen Kendall-Tackett, IBCLC talks a bit about this here.
3. Not all women bond immediately with their baby.  For survivors, however, that bonding may take even longer, even if the baby is "just" a normal, dependent infant. If the baby is special needs, is "difficult" or has other challenges (colic, etc.) then bonding may be even harder. "Mere" insistent neediness of a baby may stir up past feelings of vulnerability and powerless that mom associates with the perpetrator of her abuse. It's normal: the perpetrator took what he wanted from the survivor and when a new baby enters the survivor's world, dependent and unable to feed or care for herself, the survivor's body is once again at the whim of someone else. This lack of bonding can become problematic though if FTT (see #2) develops and/or if mom begins to have ideas of harming her baby.

What does all of this mean? Well, simply due to their past abuse, survivors carry with them challenges that can complicate their ability to provide the best care for their baby. Add in factors like poverty, a lack of education, an absent or abusive partner, and you have a survivor mom who may barely be hanging on. This is something that should concern all of us. But here's what we can do:

• Keep in mind the challenges of survivors that we discussed above when you hear the ever-present "breast is best" motto. Click here for a bit more on this issue. Not being able to breastfeed a child can be devastating for a new mom's fragile mental health but what is often more detrimental to mom and baby is the societal guilt that moms are made to feel by not doing the "best" they can for their child i.e. breastfeeding.
• Provide support. Support is continually named over and over one of the best resources that you can give a new mom. Good, informed support helps new moms feel less alone, more normal and more accepted. Not to mention provide them with trusted resources that they trust when they need more help or advice. All of this is why I offer free groups. What can you do? Attend a group, help make a group happen for those who need it, or volunteer in a way that feels right to you.
• Rise above the "mommy wars". It can be so hard to sit back and mind your own business. That's true for me too! But we really must. When we accept that we can't ever know someone's whole story and therefore have no place to judge them, then we are removing ourselves from the insidious "us vs. them" battle. It's a battle that neither side will win, even if we "lean in" so let's just opt out of it altogether.

Starting this fall, I'll offer my first virtual program: a childbirth education class specifically for survivors. Open to any survivor, living anywhere, we will meet weekly over a conference call line for seven weeks. First names only. If you'd like more details, head over here to give me a call or message me. Thanks for reading.

All in a day's (hard) work

"The purpose of life is the expansion of happiness and the ability to love and have compassion." - Deepak Chopra

What do you think of when you read this? I'm thinking of you.

...how much work you do everyday for your baby (babies). Going to work outside the home and pumping 2-3x a day while you're there, even at JFK as you head home from yet another work trip. Or staying home with baby and rearranging your day from wake to sleep around them and every little thing they need.

...how much love and energy you put into making sure they are thriving. From the visits to the pediatrician to the choosing of another nanny to the choosing of different pediatrician. You are tireless when it comes to making sure she is getting everything she needs, the best you can afford, the best you can find, the best you can offer.

...how much care you take when you change and bathe your baby. New wipes, on the go or at home, with every. single. diaper. change. Fresh, clean diapers, whether disposable or carefully laundered, with every. single. diaper. change. Checking to make sure the water in the bath is just right. Gently washing tiny fingers and toes.

You expand your baby's happiness every single moment of every day...whether you are with him or whether your partner or another caregiver is. I know you do; you love like you invented the word. With all your heart, head and soul. Every action you take, every decision is seeped in compassion for this little being. Because you are not only caring for her but teaching her a lesson about how to love and what happiness means. But don't forget there's another piece to the lesson: turning these actions on yourself too.

Caring for yourself at work- Asking for the raise. Taking a walk at lunch. Stepping away from a meeting to get fresh water. Heading out of the office for 15 minutes to meet a colleague or community partner for coffee. Getting the supervision, mentoring you deserve.

Pour energy into your own physical and emotional health- Going to the chiropractor for an adjustment. Connecting weekly with friends for a run. Talking to a coach, therapist or other support person for reassurance, advice or with any concerns you have. Schedule time alone.

Personal self-care- Shut the bathroom door and let your partner worry about the baby. Shower everyday. Get a haircut or a pedicure. Take a hot bath occasionally. Toss clothes that don't work; buy ones that do. Take deep breathes & vitamins. Eat foods that make you feel good.

You can't expand anyone's happiness or even teach anyone that their happiness is important unless you're willing to show yourself some. As a mom, it can't usually be a 1-1 thing. It can be a 3-1 though: 3 parts doing for your baby, 1 part for yourself. Any less than that and you risk your baby (who will be a watchful, smart child before you know it) learning a different sort of lesson: happiness comes from someone taking care of us and if that doesn't make us happy, something is likely wrong with us. Ugh. Who would want their child to learn that?

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