{new post} The Good (Enough) Mother

The above image is my daughter drinking from her water table. The good news is that I had *just* filled up the table. The bad news is that she likely would have drank it even if the water wasn't fresh. In case you were wondering, yes, she's been drinking bath water too. But I'm not going to sweat it. 

Perfect isn't going to happen with me. Rationally I know that I can't be flawless. But occasionally, and more often than I'd like to admit, I shoot for it. I make an amazing nutritious dinner, vacuum the house and change the dogs water during nap.  I wash Elisabeth's hair more than once a week and attempt to comb it immediately afterwards. I wait for my husband to start talking about his day before I dive into mine.

Most of this doesn't last longer than a few days. 

But I'm not going to aim for perfection or even "excellence" as a mother. Perfection is the enemy of "good enough". And damn, I want to be a good enough mom before I want perfection...for many reasons, not least of which is good mental health. But I also don't want my daughter to see a "perfect" mother. Someone who never fails publicly, admits she made mistakes, reverses her position on anything and then wonder why she, aka the star of her mother's universe, doesn't measure up. Perfection is the silent killer of trying new things and admitting they didn't work. And I always want my child to try new things. At 2 years old, she is truly "the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more," and I want that boldness to continue. Perfection will tamp it will down and lock the door.

And here's something else about perfection: even if the attempted pumpkin bread does turn out delicious this time, something else will inevitably happen next time or the time after that to throw a curveball into the batter. Because that's life. We can't control everything including our wishes or our child's. You can be the mom who dreams of pushing your child on a playground swing only never to do so because he hates it. You can be the parent who does all the research on an issue and your child blows it all out of the water because there is no one else like him in the world. 

So, what do I do about this silent enemy, perfectionism? I make it up as I go along. I try something new and see if it sticks. I adjust my standards and take a breath.  I come to terms with hair washed once a week because that's who Elisabeth is right now. And unless we have a lice epidemic break-out, why force her to submit to this if I don't have to? I'm trying to let go of non-essentials, practice gratitude for everything that I have and go to bed early. 

Most of the time.

And when I'm not making it up, I mentally mull over judgement calls all day long about whether or not it's worth telling my daughter "No!" or cautioning her against something.  She who remembers mine and my husband's words, as your child does too. Is my "no" about me and my perfectionist tendencies or is it really what's best for her? Most of the time, my "no" seems to be the former. Like when I'm hustling to get her into the car and she's watching a cat crossing the street. My "no, we don't have time for that," is about ME. It's my fault we are running late because I shouldn't have tried to make cookies, do another load of laundry, and clean up the toys on the floor before we left the house.  That's the crazy-making and anxiety-inducing behavior behind perfectionism.

Every day we are teaching our babies something. And the unreal thing is that it is often invisible. The invisibility factor makes mothering all the harder. So let's not create more work for ourselves, moms. Let's give up the pursuit of perfect for good enough, do the best we can, and love everyone around us.

{new post} August #newmoms group conversation: #babies #sleep

The second Saturday of each month is the Outside The Mom Box support group for new moms. Each session starts out with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes for Q&A, then close. Our topic this month was "sleep".  Here are a few noteworthy snippets from that conversation:

I set the stage by offering this thought: ignore everything that tells you what "normal" babies do; your baby is unique, like you. As one of the moms that I reached out to for thoughts about sleep shared with me, "No one method works for everyone." It's also important to be mindful of the impact that our culture has on our belief systems and the issue of baby sleep is no different. Sadly, the impact is often a negative one (do ____ to be faster/better; make ___ easier; get more of _____) but sometimes it can be positive, especially if you surround yourself with non-judgmental support and acceptance, as we see in this group.

Next, we brainstormed reasons that babies might wake...

<--------- As you can see, the reasons that babies might wake up are as diverse as the babies themselves!

To keep Baby's sleep into perspective and contrast it with other babies in the room, moms took turns sharing the age of their baby, what their longest interval of sleep looked like and whether or not and what they were eating. 

I then shared that, according to La Leche League, sleeping through the night is about 5 hours for newborns, slightly more for older babies.

Our group's breastfed babies (newborns through age 10 months) did exactly as one would think they would: waking every 3 -5 hours. This is what we would expect because breastfed babies need to eat every 2-3 hours so baby is waking up every few hours to eat is normal and expected. Breastmilk digests within a few hours and if there isn't anything else in baby's tummy, they will likely be hungry after a few hours. Remember for most babies over 6 months but under a year, solids are still new so while Baby may be taking in some nutrition, we can't count on "a hearty dinner" sustaining them through the night! Breastmilk still meets this need for them.

Our two formula fed babies were pretty different from each other, although not different from how often they were waking: every 2-3 hours. The 8 month old had a set bedtime routine and was enjoying solids in addition to formula but mom wasn't clear whether or not he was waking out of habit/comfort or hunger. This can be hard to tell! I suggested that she experiment and send her husband in to see if baby indeed was hungry. Sometimes partner is a better one to send in because baby may be more likely to associate mom with food. If indeed, baby wants comfort, dad can provide it by soothing, rocking, singing, etc. and mom can keep sleeping. If none of that works, baby may be hungry but that's also something dad can do! The 6 month had a routine that involved dad when he came home from work...which was late so baby was up late having dinner with him. This meant bedtime was super late, baby was up a few hours later, then back to sleep, then up again, etc. I suggested to mom looking at dad doing more of the routine and having it follow dinner, not be before, as a way to "signal" bedtime and aim for an earlier hour asleep.

We talked about ways that mom could get more sleep:

• bedsharing (Evolutionary Parenting's page here has a number of useful articles about bedsharing);
• this post on routine vs. schedule is worth its weight in gold; 
• taking turns with partner, having partner being the comforter, feeder, etc;
• doing a dream feed before she goes to bed;
• night weaning if she is breastfeeding.

I try to remind myself and will remind you here, dear reader, that if whatever you are doing is working for you, keep doing it. If it doesn't, then look to change it. It's only recently that I have come to terms with my own daughter's sleep. Breastfed babies (and toddlers) are usually up more often in the night, unless they are sleep-trained in some way. Not every breastfed baby or toddler of course because each child is different.  I've seen that mentioned here, here and here and anecdotally as I collect stories from moms along the way. My daughter is 2.2 and this holds true for us: she is up 1-2 times per night, every night. And when I finally came to terms with this being okay and normal, I was fine. But when I worried that she wasn't getting enough sleep, that I was doing something wrong, etc., I felt horribly guilty.

We closed our conversation with a few other takeaways:

• baby crying = a need not being met;
• realistic expectations are important (see paragraph #2!);
• perspective is important...as one of my "old" moms from a previous group said," Please tell your mamas in sleep hell that it DOES get better!"  

For Durham area new moms, our next gathering is September 13, 2-4 pm. Once again, we will be at my office at 1200 Broad Street, Suite 104, in Durham. RSVPs are not required! Have a suggestion for our September topic, leave me a comment below. 

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{new post} Visiting the library

When I saw this graphic last week, I was horrified...and inspired. I've always been a big reader and continue to spend copious amounts of time at the local library, bookstore or on Amazon seeking out books with and for Elisabeth. Reading is the kind of adventure that can (and should) start early. And what easier way to get going than to head to your local library?

Our local libraries are wonderful places to find new books, yes, but also to take in developmentally appropriate programs for our babies. Elisabeth and I attended Baby Lapsit story time on Wednesday mornings with Miss Amy at the Southwest branch of Durham County Library from about 7 months to almost 2 years. We've only recently stopped going because she wants to be outside. Lapsit story time for babies and toddlers includes finger plays, songs ("Itsy Bitsy Spider", anyone?), one real story and plenty of free playtime. It's really a lot of fun. Library programs are always free and a great way to connect with other new moms.

After your library program is over, head over early and check out a few books before the program begins. There are "regular" kids books but also stacks of board books that may be worn around the edges but are still a great way to add a little variety into your reading routine. Young babies love contrasty colors and simple images so look for some fun black and white board books that will captivate them. Older babies will enjoy the singsongy sentences in even something like _Little Blue Truck_, _Tumble Bumble_ or _Roadwork_. They don't need to "get" the whole story line. Early exposure to language is essential for their future learning and language skills, as this recent NPR piece points out.

As your baby gets older,  let him or her take the lead on the library adventures: returning the books in the dropbox slot, "helping" check the books out, choosing a spot to sit for story time, etc. Of course this also includes them choosing their own books. It's always fun to plop that older baby or toddler down in the book area and watch what they pull off the shelf!

Ever said to yourself, "That book sounds interesting, I'll have to check that out" and then forget to order the book or decide you didn't want to spend the money? I sure do! Your local library can also locate books that they don't own. Inter-library loans are useful for adult books but they also "work" for kids books too. I often "test" books via interlibrary loan before I buy them so I can make sure that I definitely want to spend the money.

So head to the library this week and let me know how it goes. Leave your thoughts on this or pretty much anything below. And thank you for reading.

{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} "Did I have a traumatic #childbirth?"

I read a terrific blog post recently that one mom wrote about her childbirth experience. Her labor was long but not concerning. Neither she or the baby were in any kind of danger. From all outside appearances, things looks fine. The exact opposite of how healthcare professionals define "traumatic childbirth". But to this mom, her childbirth experience was traumatic. This is an important distinction.

If we followed the legal definition of domestic violence in terms of providing services to those in need, very few women would ever get help. The legal definition of domestic violence is just that limiting. Similarly if we allow medical professionals to define (or not) our childbirth experience, many of us would not only not have the opportunity to process it but perhaps more of us would feel reluctant to name our childbirth as traumatic. Both are problematic when it comes to our mental health. 

{Funny how both are "women's issues", isn't it?}

We make birth plans, hire doulas, take a childbirth ed class...all things we do to claim our childbirth experience. Claiming your childbirth experience doesn't end when that precious baby arrives in the world! If you feel that your childbirth experience was traumatic for any reason, that is enough of a qualification. 

You have a healthy baby, right? So what exactly do you have to "complain" about? Talking about your childbirth experience (or any aspect of mothering for that matter) is not complaining; it's you taking responsibility for your healing, your self-esteem and your identity as a woman and a mother. As new moms, it's important to practice separating out needs as individuals from our role as a mother so both pieces of yourself are allowed to matter. We've never done this before. As an individual, you have needs, dreams and wants. They are important. But as a mom, you're often told that your needs don't count. But that doesn't mean that those wants and needs go away. They are still important; we just need to own them better and feel supported doing so. Talking about your childbirth is one way to do this.

No, my childbirth experience wasn't traumatic. I feel very lucky because I have known so many women who did feel that theirs was traumatic but didn't feel that they could talk about it or name it for what it truly was. (And certainly no one asks!) This void is why I've started offering trauma counseling. Trauma counseling is a time for women to talk about a trauma related to their pregnancy or childbirth experience. So if you need to claim that childbirth experience as traumatic, today or five years now, you absolutely should...and feel supported doing so.

As always, thank you for reading! I am grateful that you're here.