"On the joyous side"

My husband and I went to our first parent/teacher conference yesterday. Feeling most comfortable with a pen and paper (if no laptop is available), I took copious notes, as if I would have been able to call my mother afterwards. Instead of that option, however, these notes seem to be destined for me. But as I looked at the notes this morning, I noticed this line, "her strongest expressions are on the joyous side,". Underlined and starred. These are the words of one of her two teachers: "on the joyous side".

What would your life look like if your "strongest expressions" were "on the joyous side"? I don't know about you but often my strongest expressions are on the angry side. I often find myself furious with how someone is being treated, raging at others' ignorance or outraged by my daughter's kicking or yelling at me. "On the joyous side," though...that sounds delicious. And tricky, I think. It is way more socially acceptable to talk about how busy you are (everyone nodding solemnly with immediate personal validation ensuing) than to talk about your downtime. Sometimes when a mom mentions how busy she was, I nod and talk about how hard that can be without actually chiming in about my own busyness. I think claiming joy is similar. For me, it's easier to own being angry or lacking peace, even, than it is to claim joy.

Let's start together, though. Give yourself the chance to feel better by playing around with this process. You deserve to. To recap: it's a discovery of that joy, then doing and claiming it. Which part is the most challenging for you? Thanks for reading.

Empty Stomach Syndrome

Do you wait for other people to make decisions that impact your life? Are you a mindless eater or snacker? Do you find yourself validated by how many "likes" your photo or post receives?  Does that afternoon coffee or evening wine feel like a must? Is your schedule very full of appointments or projects for other people? Do you find yourself wishing that people read your mind so you wouldn't have to say what you really think? 

If so, you may be suffering from Empty Stomach Syndrome (ESS). ESS is the result of relying on other people and stuff to complete us. ESS is common in busy women who have a hard time establishing, then prioritizing their needs and wants. Women who struggle with life / balance issues can be especially susceptible to ESS. 

But there is a cure for ESS and it doesn't involve a prescription. It involves a shifting of your gaze from external to internal. From people, stuff and situations to you, you and YOU.

You are the source of everything you want in your life.*

No one or no thing can give you love, satisfaction, happiness and success. Too often you expect someone or somethings to fill a void(s) within us. That results in a rumbly, grumbly stomach (ESS) that doesn't ever shut up, usually because you're feeding it the soul-crushing version of Twinkies. You need the real stuff that comes from inside of you, not outside. Relying on others to complete you (even your partner and especially your kids!) is like relying on someone else to choose your major in college. Sooner or later, the outsourcing will catch up with you and it likely won't be pretty when it does.

Is ESS an issue for you? What void are you trying to fill? Leave me a comment below or over on my Facebook page.

Thanks for reading. If you like this post, click the heart icon below. If you really like this and want to hear more, please subscribe to my weekly newsletter which comes your way every Wednesday.

* Want to learn more and how? Come to The Pandora Passport starting Tuesday October 20.

You Pick Two

If I were to suggest two ways that could truly amp up your confidence, they would be these:

1. Say what you mean. Not "yes", if you don't want to. Not "no" if you really would like to. Do you want to see someone again? Tell them. Do you want to ask someone to partner with you? Ask. Awkward is okay. And it's temporary. Confusion over mixed messages or regrets after lost opportunities,though, can last decades.

2. Act in a way that shows the world what's important to you. This is your paid work, your volunteer work. It's your parenting, the way you treat the bartender and whether or not you try and negotiate a deal on furniture at TROSA. When you act in accordance with your values, you attract a certain community i.e. not everyone that is thirsty to support you.

Both of these tools help you break outside the mom box, into a mold that's completely you. I am not perfect. You know as well as I do the high costs of that shitty path and I don't know about you, but I'm not going back. I mess up all the time. But my life is a series of practices, not attempts at perfection, that reinforce the mold of awesome that I'm in. And that's better than the pinched corners of a box that doesn't fit any day.

That's it. So, you can pick two...or one. Or none. The choice is yours. And it's free. Bonus.

These lines are not for crossin': setting good boundaries

It can be awkward to make a change for the good. Like right now. I've hoisted one of my office cubes on top of my desk to create a "standing desk"...because apparently we are more productive when we move. Moving includes standing. But, I'm willing to dabble in the awkward for a bit and give it a try. Let's avoid physically awkward for now, though, and consider another kind of change for the good that doesn't require any heavy lifting: setting good boundaries.

After talking with clients recently about setting good boundaries, I realized each woman I talked to needed greater clarity on a good boundary looked like.

Boundaries are clear, concise statement that you give about how you need to be treated. They are non-negotiable, consistent and always stated firmly. They are not offered out as an inquiry or a "feeling out" of the other person. They sound strong because they are strong.

Your life, your game, you set the boundaries

But why bother? Is this a lot of hoo-ha or personal growth “stuff”? Not in the least. Boundaries are essential tools in order for us to feel confident. Boundaries help us weed out the people in our life that we need to do without (see below) but they also help the people we want in our life to be even more helpful to us. 

Did you get that last part? It’s important.

Boundaries weed out the people who suck the life out of you but help the people who recharge you, your “right people”, to do even more awesome for you. In short, boundaries are rock solid confidence-building tools that you need in your quiver yesterday.

Here are a couple of boundaries my clients set recently. Let me know if any of them sound familiar:

• A dedicated and hard-working employee, Jackie continually volunteered for extra work. Jackie and I discussed this bad habit and the importance of setting good boundaries, especially at work. Although a little wary, Jackie stopped raising her hand at work and instead decided to be aware of what happened when she didn't take on additional projects. She didn’t notice a backlash of people doubting her commitment or skills but what she did notice is her voice being taken more seriously. And a few weeks later at her annual review when Jackie told her supervisor that she would be leaving at 4:30 every day instead of 5:00 and would no longer be checking email on weekends, Jackie’s boss didn’t blink an eye. Getting the green light she wanted raised her confidence to the level she deserved.

• Susie was tired of being the partner to make dinner nightly. She was a full-time mom who didn’t work outside the home but felt she still deserved a night off each week. (Of course she does!) After her first few weeks of work with me, we talked about giving up dinner responsibility for two week nights. The following day, Susie told her partner that she would no longer be responsible for dinner on Friday and Saturday. He agreed and volunteered to make dinner on Saturdays and Fridays became take-out pizza night.

• Fatima has always taken care of everyone in her family, in addition to working a high-powered job. When Fatima’s sister-in-law asked for help with the divorce papers, Fatima didn’t blink an eye and stepped in. After she and I talked, Fatima realized that she was endangering all her hard work putting her needs first by helping someone else with a situation that she didn’t own or have any stake in. After she and I talked, Fatima called her cousin and asked him to help with the paperwork. He agreed and she handed it over.

What about you? Chances are there’s a boundary you need to set right now. My guess is you're waffling. Go ahead and try it: ask yourself -—>”What boundary do I need to set right now and with whom?”. In addition to all the confidence boosting work we talked about above simply voicing a desire allows you to believe you're worthy of wanting and deserving better. So what are you waiting for?

Share your boundary-setting story and what happened. Leave a comment below.