Life's Invisible Work

Even new moms understand pretty quickly that much of the work that they do for their child/children is often unnoticed. I've come to believe that mothering is often an invisible existence composed of simple, unremarkable actions that usually occur behind closed doors. Some of those acts are intentionally unobtrusive but most, I think, are not.  I call these acts of uncommon mothering "life's invisible work" or #lifesinvisiblework. 

{wiping...noses, bottoms, grubby hands. emptying the diaper pail. singing a song that will distract. ordering diapers, wipes, putting it all away. filling a bath.}

Sometimes the work of mothering isn't invisible...those times when we are actively engaged with our child: pushing him on the swing, mom/baby yoga, whooshing her around in the pool. But inevitably these kinds of opportunities shrink as our babies grow up. And so the bulk of our mothering work really is unseen. Does that matter?

Yes, it does matter. And the invisible work of mothering matters as a feminist issue because a) mothering is done primarily by women and b) because invisible work of any kind is usually ignored, marginalized or minimized...not to mention low paid.

{buying, trying, donating formula. breastfeeding. pumping. preparing bottles. talking to lactation consultants. pumping. buying new bras.}

bell hooks tells us that feminism "is a movement to end sexism, sexist exploitation and oppression." The work of mothering is easy to ignore, explore and oppress because it is so invisible. But if we allow this then we ignore the voices of many women, 4 out of 5 of whom will have children in their lifetime. And their voices are as important as who benefits from their invisible work: children and families. Mothering must not go unnoticed even if the work is often invisible.

{managing multiple schedules. reading labels. interviewing babysitters, nannies, daycares, schools. packing backpacks, diaper bags, snacks. car seat research. laundry.}

So, here's what we do: we make the unseen, seen again. We do that by writing, talking, Tweeting about the mothering work that we are doing. By sharing the everyday, unremarkable moments that make up the hours of our lives. And let's make it even more visible by using the hashtag: #lifesinvisiblework. Start in the way that feels most comfortable to you, perhaps on Outside The Mom Box Facebook page or on your own wall. Then dare to put it out there to others in different circles of your life.  Support those who do. See what happens.

What work do you do as a mother that is invisible? Leave a comment below.

{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} #Moms Being Brave

I've been thinking about bravery since talking with a mom whose daughter is heading to daycare for the first time soon. Elisabeth will go to her own little school in the Fall. This mom and I talked about how hard it was to let the little ones go. Go, anywhere really. It doesn't matter the exact location but as we talked about it, I realized that letting them go, even if just for the morning, we were being brave.

But we're brave all the time, aren't we? Each moment we take a small risk, we are brave. It could be the risk of offering nuts to your baby for the first time or going to a new park. It could be preparing a snack that he's never had before, switching to a different kind of laundry detergent, weeding old toys to make room for new or deciding on a pediatrician. It could be calling the pediatrician. Every day in every risk, large and small, moms are being brave. And it gets tougher: with each risk we as moms take, there is a greater chance that someone will call us out on it, judge us, shame us or look away.  But we just keep on exercising that bravery muscle and in doing so risk...well, everything, right? We risk failing, isolation, scorn. But we moms do it anyway.

Think about that.

And here's the thing about being brave: it's contagious. Our actions don't exist in a bubble. We moms live a public existence. Regardless of whether or not we work outside the home, we are the frequent grocery shoppers, doctors' appointment keepers, book buyers and Music Together singers. We are the swim lesson parents, the daycare sleuthers and the minivan drivers. The public, as well as our own children, notice when we do something brave. There's a ripple effect even if your brave action isn't verbally acknowledged. What you do is noticed and noted, even if subconsciously. Mom bravery spreads to others and inspires. 

Reading about Dutchess Kate recently, the inevitable comparisons were drawn to mothering and the late Princess Diana. I was reminded of how much I had always loved Princess Diana: those amazing hate, her kindness to everyone and generosity to charitable causes. What I didn't realize was what a fierce advocate Diana was for herself as a mother and her children in ways that constantly bucked tradition. She was a brave risk taker! William was the first heir to be in a hospital, for example. Diana was also reportedly the first royal mother to breastfeed her children. She kept her children close and was a very hands-on mother, always hugging and kissing them. Instead of leaving William at home while she traveled, as had always been the norm, Diana brought him, at 9 months, on a trip to Australia. There are numerous examples like this, of Princess Diana's constant brave risk taking as mother. Diana's risk taking as a mom not only endeared her even more to the world but helped smooth the mothering road for future royal moms, like Kate. Yet one more gain that can happen when we are brave as a mom.

Okay, moms, what have you risked recently? What brave act have you committed? Brag a little. Your actions may be just what another mom needs to act brave too.

{New #OutsideTheMomBox post} July #NewMoms group conversation: changing #relationships

The second Saturday of each month is the Outside The Mom Box support group for new moms and babies. Each session starts out with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes for Q&A, then close. We've tackled introducing solids, travel, summer, and a slew of other relevant baby topics so this month we focused on mom. Our topic was "changing relationships".  Here are a few noteworthy snippets from that conversation:

"Being listened to is one of the highest forms of respect and validation." - Mark Ogletree

Juggling your rapidly growing baby is enough of a task but when you factor in outside employment, extra commitments like church or volunteering, pets in the home or other issues, finding time to catch up with friends, even if they do have kids of their own, can feel overwhelming. Luckily, the moms on Saturday felt like that they either a) did have some good friendship that were being attended to or b) were in the process of building new friendships with other new moms. I definitely was in the latter category until Elisabeth was about 7 months or so. I didn't know many women who were also new moms who lived closely or who were home with their child and honestly, many new moms seemed much more together than I. I felt vulnerable reaching out to new moms. It was way too easy to attend to my own child and not talk to anyone else. But I don't recommend that strategy; it was lonely! One mom shared that it can be hard to be the only couple in their groups of friends to have a child. All social activities seemed to have stopped now that baby is getting older and a bedtime routine has developed. It's crucial for us to find moms with babies around our kids' age to connect with, for our own mental health and to ensure future playdates.

Some of the women in the group talked about their relationships with their own parents. One woman's relationship with her mom became very positive after her baby was born. Another woman talked about how she still felt like a little kid around her own dad sometimes, even though she is an adult and now a parent herself. Dealing with our parents now that we are parents can be tricky. My own mom just sent a book of nursery rhymes to my daughter when she learned that Elisabeth didn't have one ("they teach memorization and movement!!" she said). I don't really like it. I WANTED to like it so badly, believe me. But it just doesn't do it for me. My mom, though, loves the idea of Elisabeth reading nursery rhymes and so I let it go. 

We also talked husbands! How we have a shorter fuse now than we did before with him and how challenging it can feel to have our partner not have the same sense of urgency when it comes to doing something baby-related i.e. baby proofing etc. Especially in the early days with a new baby, dad might default to mom to soothe the baby with "you're better at it," or "she likes what you're doing better,". That's hard for mom because then it feels like it is all on her, all the time. Sometimes dads tend to try 1-2 things and if they don't work, they give up...too easily, many of the moms agreed! When one of the moms shared that she did what many of us moms do (just keep trying a bunch of things until something worked) I was reminded of the #lifesinvisiblework hashtag that I created. There are so many little things that moms do all the time, all day (and all night!) long for their baby, that aren't remarkable or particularly noteworthy but are still important. 

Finally, we talked sex. In the beginning, and that means the beginning of when you start to have sex again after baby (not related to baby's age), it will likely be uncomfortable. It can be painful, especially if there was any tearing. It definitely was for me. A lack of sleep, too many things on our "must tackle" list and the unpredictability of a baby schedule's can add even more angst to getting back into feeling like you want to be intimate with your partner. We talked about scheduling time for sex and while that can feel lacking in spontaneity, it can help with feeling more relaxed, less rushed and perhaps in a better mood overall. Easing into sex by starting in a position that has traditionally been better for you, both in terms of comfort and also pleasure, can also help. Getting enough rest so you don't feel tired, starting with massage or an evening out can also go a long way to making you feel more comfortable about resuming sex again.

For Durham area new moms, our August (8/10) topic is: "sleep". Once again, we will be at my office at 1200 Broad Street, Suite 104, in Durham. RSVPs are not required!

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{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} 13 #stress busters for #pregnant #women

Anxiety isn't good for any of us but it can be especially detrimental to pregnant women. For pregnant women extra stress can cause high blood pressure which can trigger preterm labor. Preterm labor can lead to a host of issues for baby: including intellectual and developmental delays, hearing and vision challenges and more. This March of Dimes article articulates many of which here. So, let's all calm down! Here are 31 ways how to reduce stress:

1. Avoid information overload. DON'T Google everything! Find a trusted friend, educator that you can depend on for quality information. No, they won't have all the answers but they will be able to refer you to someone equally awesome when they get stumped.
2. Find a support group. Connecting with other women is so important at this often scary, vulnerable time. Hear that they are feeling the same and learning from each other. 
3. Start saying "no" now. I know you're a helper. I get it, I do. But the best person you can help now is YOU. Practice saying "no" to whatever doesn't feel like the uber-best fit for you and your new family. Trust me; you'll get a lot of use out of this new habit down the road.
4. Sit on a birth ball. I can't say enough about how much I love birth balls. They keep you moving, keep your hips fluid, get you off your feet, keep your pelvis in a good position. And they just feel good! Try it.

5. Take a warm bath. During my last trimester, I must have taken a warm bath 5 out of 7 nights a week. I listened to my breathing CD, took deep breathes, talked to Little Sun and slowly dripped warm water over my big belly. It felt great and allowed me to sleep better.

6. Go for a walk. I didn't do a lot of exercise when I was pregnant but I did walk nightly. It helped me calm down from the craziness of a work day and kept me active and mobile,even when I didn't want to be. It felt good.
7. Drink more water.  A dehydrated body can lead you to confuse cravings with real hunger pangs. Also a dehydrated uterus is a crampy uterus which is an unhappy uterus. You want a happy uterus. Happy = healthy and feeling good!
8. Hit the sack earlier. Rest now because it feels so good and because you won't have as much time. If I hear one more story about a pregnant woman heading out for a jam-packed day, with nary a nap in sight, I swear! Take it easy, please. Trust me on this one.
9. Talk to a coach. Most of my Outside The Mom offerings are ones that I wanted. Wellness Coaching is no exception. One session (or a handful!) includes simply talking to someone who has been there before can bring much relief as well as education, resources and support.
10. Journal. In Baby Body and Soul, Tracy Gaudet recommends journaling. It was really helpful to me to write down some of the anxieties that I was feeling about the pregnancy and what I still felt like I needed to sort out before I had her. 
11. Enjoy a chiropractic adjustment. For three-four months leading up to my daughter's birth and for over a year, I received regular chiropractic adjustments at Imagine Chiropractic. They felt great but also reminded me that I was doing good prep work for labor. 
12. Enroll in a childbirth class. Prep and information reduces stress now...and down the road. I have a seven week, Sunday afternoon class starting in September in Durham for couples and September online for survivors. I also have other local resources for childbirth here.
13. Ask for help more often. Boy, do I wish that someone had strongly encouraged me to start asking for help when I was pregnant. You will need help. I did. We all do but it's hard to ask. Start that vulnerable act with someone you trust & see how that goes.

New moms, what would you add to this list? P.S. Your 13 comes up in a few weeks. I didn't forget about you!