{new post} Why I don't believe in "natural childbirth"

I'm on a lonely limb here but I don't believe in the term "natural childbirth". Yes, I offerLamaze-based childbirth education (here and here) but I believe that we set women up for shaming when we say "natural childbirth". 

I get where the term comes from. And I truly believe that those who use it want to empower women to make better, more informed decisions when it comes to their childbirth experience. Their heart is in the right place. But here's where I take the road less traveled: when we advocate one path as The Path, we alienate those who, for whatever reason, aren't in a position to follow that single path. And this is true for so many things. No matter what we do, not everyone will be a size 6 and have the "right" BMI. It's just not physically possible. Bodies are different. Learning styles are different. A traditional school setting might not be the right thing for some kids but homeschooling is. For a pregnant survivor of violence who has felt controlled and violated by someone in the past, choosing to bottle-feed instead of breastfeeding can be an informed choice. There will always be folks who take the "less" traditional or "popular" path because it is the one that works for them. There's no shame in that.

After my new moms group on a recent Saturday, I called my sister Caroline to tell her a bit about the beautiful group of moms and babies with whom I spent my afternoon. The group was a mix of "older" and "younger" moms; SAHMs and those who worked outside the home; bottle feeders and breastfeeders, etc. Everyone was there to learn more and offer support, where they could, to each other. There was no judgment or shaming. That group was truly a microcosm of what support around mothering should look like. I was proud to be part of it.

As moms, we need to stand together more than we need to draw clear lines in the sand. Working moms vs. SAHMs. Breastfeeders vs. bottle feeders. Natural childbirth vs. those who had a medical intervention or a csection. ARGH! I'm sick of it. Are you? The last thing we need is more new moms feeling shamed for choices or "choices" that they made. No one wins. Constant taking sides or advocating one way over another just pulls us further apart. So, instead of trying to one up each other or push for "best" method over another, let's meet in the plenty-of-room-for-everyone middle ground called motherhood. And when we show up there, instead of bracing for battle, let's talk honestly about what's truly holding us back: a lack of early daycare/education and paid maternity leave; insufficiently accessible (or absent in general) community resources for postpartum support and education; the predatory selling & guilting of new moms. These "women's issues" are truly the ones that affect all of us and have the largest long-term impact on our children, not whether or not my daughter was born via csection.

Agree? Disagree? Leave me a comment below and join this conversation. Thanks for reading.

{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} 5 important questions #pregnant #women should be asking themselves

There are so many things that women need to juggle on a regular basis but I feel like when you're pregnant, the issues just multiply like rabbits. You have information coming at you from every possible perspective, including the unwanted viewpoint of perfect strangers and anyone else whose opinion you're not interested in but who feels compelled to share it anyway: coworkers, cousins, perhaps even your mother-in-law. It can be hard to parse through what's important and what's noise. So, below are five questions that truly are relevant and timely:

If I were to go into labor right now, am I ready? 

Do you have a carseat installed?  Are work related projects tied up? Is care for your existing child squared away? Do you have a labor bag packed? Do you know where baby will sleep when you get home? These questions matter regardless of where you are in your pregnancy but obviously take on a greater sense of urgency the closer you are to your due date. Babies come late but some babies do come early. You being ready right now if you were to go into labor means less worry and work for you, if it does happen.

How will I best feel supported when I'm in labor? 

All attention and care needs to be on you during labor, not your partner. So, if you're worrying about how your partner might deal with your contractions or the blood or the lack of sleep that he will get, then you likely need additional support during childbirth. You also might consider getting additional support during labor if your partner is a medical doctor or nurse (these folks often have a harder time separating their training from what you might want or need in the moment i.e. not to be induced, even if your OB suggests it). It's all about you, your wants and needs during your labor. You cannot be spending time taking care of your partner, even though you normally do this. I cannot recommend enough a birth doula as your exclusive labor support. Birth doulas exist entirely for you and your needs during childbirth. Oh, yeah, they also increase satisfaction with childbirth experience and lower the chance of a csection. Pure gold.

If your doctor tells you that you need a medical intervention, do you have the information you need to respond in a way that honors your preferences for your childbirth experience?

In other words: have you taken a childbirth ed class yet? Understanding that birth is a natural, normal experience (in spite of how medicalized it has become), that women can go into labor on their own and how medical interventions can affect your labor are all part of any good childbirth education class. The two Lamaze based childbirth ed classes (traditional and survivor specific) that I teach are open to women at pretty much any week of pregnancy because I think this information in the class is valuable immediately. Say for example, after learning about how one intervention often leads to a cascade of interventions in labor in your childbirth ed class, you realize that your OB has a very high csection rate and you don't want a csection: you're likely not going to feel as nervous changing providers at week 18 for example than you would at week 28. Prep early rather than later.

Whose job will it be to care for me when the baby comes home?

Just in case you need to hear it: your job is to care for the baby. Nothing else. If you're breastfeeding that means that you exclusively are keeping that baby alive. If I sound serious, it's because I am. Feeding a newborn is no joke; it's a round the clock job that you can't even imagine would take as long as it does until you're actually doing it. For those who are formula feeding, you may not be whipping out a breast a million times a day but you are working just as hard to sterilize bottles, measure formula, heat bottles and get baby fed. Yes, your partner can do these things too but you know as well as I do, just like we both know who does the majority of the household chores in your house, that you will likely be doing the bulk of this work. In other words, you need someone to take care of you. I didn't understand this when I had my daughter. Trust me on this, please identify someone now to be your caregiver when you get home. That can mean a postpartum doula or relative but make sure someone is there exclusively for you.

What household responsibilities can I turn over to someone else BEFORE I go into labor?

Along the same lines, you don't want to be dictating how to give the dog her meds to your neighbor in between contractions. Okay, that's a little extreme but you get what I mean. There may be a learning curve involved for whoever is stepping up or taking over. Honestly, just assume that there will be a learning curve. Again, you will rest easier and will worry less if you can hand off household care and maintenance to someone else. 

New moms, have I missed something? What essential question would you suggest a pregnant woman ask herself? Leave me a comment below.

{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} #Moms Being Brave

I've been thinking about bravery since talking with a mom whose daughter is heading to daycare for the first time soon. Elisabeth will go to her own little school in the Fall. This mom and I talked about how hard it was to let the little ones go. Go, anywhere really. It doesn't matter the exact location but as we talked about it, I realized that letting them go, even if just for the morning, we were being brave.

But we're brave all the time, aren't we? Each moment we take a small risk, we are brave. It could be the risk of offering nuts to your baby for the first time or going to a new park. It could be preparing a snack that he's never had before, switching to a different kind of laundry detergent, weeding old toys to make room for new or deciding on a pediatrician. It could be calling the pediatrician. Every day in every risk, large and small, moms are being brave. And it gets tougher: with each risk we as moms take, there is a greater chance that someone will call us out on it, judge us, shame us or look away.  But we just keep on exercising that bravery muscle and in doing so risk...well, everything, right? We risk failing, isolation, scorn. But we moms do it anyway.

Think about that.

And here's the thing about being brave: it's contagious. Our actions don't exist in a bubble. We moms live a public existence. Regardless of whether or not we work outside the home, we are the frequent grocery shoppers, doctors' appointment keepers, book buyers and Music Together singers. We are the swim lesson parents, the daycare sleuthers and the minivan drivers. The public, as well as our own children, notice when we do something brave. There's a ripple effect even if your brave action isn't verbally acknowledged. What you do is noticed and noted, even if subconsciously. Mom bravery spreads to others and inspires. 

Reading about Dutchess Kate recently, the inevitable comparisons were drawn to mothering and the late Princess Diana. I was reminded of how much I had always loved Princess Diana: those amazing hate, her kindness to everyone and generosity to charitable causes. What I didn't realize was what a fierce advocate Diana was for herself as a mother and her children in ways that constantly bucked tradition. She was a brave risk taker! William was the first heir to be in a hospital, for example. Diana was also reportedly the first royal mother to breastfeed her children. She kept her children close and was a very hands-on mother, always hugging and kissing them. Instead of leaving William at home while she traveled, as had always been the norm, Diana brought him, at 9 months, on a trip to Australia. There are numerous examples like this, of Princess Diana's constant brave risk taking as mother. Diana's risk taking as a mom not only endeared her even more to the world but helped smooth the mothering road for future royal moms, like Kate. Yet one more gain that can happen when we are brave as a mom.

Okay, moms, what have you risked recently? What brave act have you committed? Brag a little. Your actions may be just what another mom needs to act brave too.