Now! Or later...

My 8th grade English teacher Mr. West advised giving a book 50 pages. If we didn't like it at that point, he said, it was fair to put it down. I think if Mr. West were in my life today, he would say that it's also fair to return to it later. And, he'd agree with me when I say, put a book down if reading it doesn't feel right. This came to me last night after I looked at my bedside table reading material last night and looked away. Before bed I don't want to think about business or practical feeding tips for my toddler. I usually want to decompress as I gently beckon sleep, not feel the need to take notes. I shuffled my stack after looking back at the same table again. This time I saw Mama Zen.

Graphic courtesy of Seth Godin.

I'd started Mama Zen months ago and felt a little "meh". Nothing resonated with me. Looking at it last night though, everything was a click. Clearly there was a reason it was still in my possession. It can be easy though to drift into a sea of self-guilt over "other" unfinished projects or set aside hobbies. And I was almost there. I was close to should-ing on myself for piles of books that I wasn't reading. But then I remembered that reading should be a pleasure. It is self-care for those of us who see books as an oasis. If reading is a pleasure, then we must always read out of a desire to do so, not out of obligation or guilt.

"Every book is worth reading which puts the reader in a working mood." Emerson said. And if you consider reading to be a way to care for yourself as I do, perhaps this will feel true for you too. Never beat yourself up for not finishing a book. Instead, remember that with reading, like parenting, timing is everything. If something's not working, put it aside. Try it again later. Shake it up a bit even but put it away for later. Even way later. There's a reason it's not working but don't divert energy into puzzling out that question. Just set aside and try again another time. Be gentle with yourself. And, when in doubt, remember this thought from Emily McDowell. 

Thanks for reading...now or later.

"Dark Side of the Full Moon" - film + discussion

On Friday night, I headed to Cary to see Dark Side of the Full Moon, a new documentary produced by two moms about postpartum mood disorders. Local new mom resources, Postpartum Education and Support offered the film as a fundraiser and a post-film discussion panel which was moderated by yours truly. 

First, a few thoughts on the film itself. I was sent the a link to see the whole film before Friday night. I'm glad I did. Dark Side can be shocking in points, even to someone who didn't suffer from a postpartum mood disorder. Interspersed in the film are past news stories about moms like Andrea Yates and Cynthia Wachenheim who had either killed their children and/or killed themselves. As one member of the audience pointed out during the panel, these news stories are problematic because they exclusively portray postpartum psychosis which is at the other end of the postpartum mood disorder spectrum. Postpartum psychosis only affects about 1 in 1000 women, about 1%. Postpartum depression or anxiety however is much more common, affecting 15-20% of women. In spite of this (and the sometimes overly dramatic "is this really how it is?" refrain that Maureen and Jennifer often utter incredulously) Dark Side of the Full Moon offers an authentic exploration of the number one complication of childbirth that no one really wants to own. It's well worth seeing.

As good, if not better than the movie, was the discussion panel after the movie. Yes, I moderated it but I was truly blown away by both the honesty of the panelists as well as the insightful audience questions. We had an OB/GYN, the former medical director of the UNC Perinatal Mood Disorders Clinic now in private practice, a physicatric physician assistant and new mom, a mom ppd survivor and a clinical social worker who facilitated a postpartum support group for twenty years. They were an impressive group. Not just because of titles and experience but mainly because of their honesty. The audience heard about ER docs who didn't know about UNC Perinatal Mood Disorders Clinic 6-8 months after it had opened. We learned about pediatricians who follow more of a "don't ask, don't tell" policy with new moms even though we all know a new mom's mental health has an impact on a baby's success. One panelist admires the centering pregnancy model and wishes that was more prevalent in our area as a way to build community, support and trust into prenatal care. Audience members worried about socio-economic gaps for new moms, as many of the moms featured in the movie were employed and in better financial shape than poor moms, "what's being done for them?" she asked. (Socio economic status is a risk factor for postpartum depression.) Collectively, we talked about the bar being raised so high for new moms and how that can exacerbate the isolation and loneliness that new moms can feel.

Perhaps the best question of the night, however, came when an audience member asked panelists if they were to wave a magic wand to help fix some of these issues, what would they choose to do? One panelist thought separating OBs from GYNs would be a good idea. Paid maternity leave was suggested, by the sole male panelist. "Being the main breadwinner exacerbated my symptoms," one woman said. Another panelist wished for communities to rally around each other and neighbors to get involved and check in on new moms, families. More training and interaction between OBs and psychiatrists was also suggested. 

It was a remarkable evening. But if you did miss out on this showing and you'd like still like to see the film, there is a screening coming up May 1 in Chapel Hill. Head here for details on that and other showings nationwide.

S'mother Love

Two nights ago, I said to my husband, "I just want to go to bed early so I can get up to go to the gym at 5:00!". This statement came as we listened to Elisabeth cry outside her bedroom door. It was 9:15. I hesitated going in because I knew I'd be trapped, cramped into a twin bed beside her, until she fell asleep. Waffling for another half minute, I finally went in.

One of the biggest challenges that I have as a mom is reconciling my needs with what my daughter needs. Almost three, Elisabeth reacts strongly to certain situations, seemingly without rhyme or reason, and in turn, I feel frustrated and resentful. This is certainly normal and par for the course for the age. And yet, I should be able to pee when I need to...or go to bed early...or leave the house wearing the shoes I'd planned to. Should. Because no matter how good your planning or intentions, things can sometimes come to an agonizing halt when an older toddler lives in your house. 

"I think I can, I think I can..."

When you're determined to do something you desperately want, it can be almost physically painful to not be able to do it. As a mom, I feel like I've been in that spot a lot recently. And no, it's not impossible to get up at 5:00 for the gym if you go to bed late. But I work hard not to scrabble through days, living from a place of personal deficiency. Less than seven hours of sleep is too little for me if I need to get up at 5:00. I know that. It's too little and it's also not sustainable. 

So, what do you do? Two nights ago, I gave up. I went into her bedroom and hoped for a speedy exit. I was lucky. But other times, I haven't been. Not being able to depend on luck, I have to fall back on options. I always have those. One option is to ask for help from my husband before I get to the resentful stage. Having a second person step in to distract, soothe the wound-up child can be a gamechanger for everyone's mood. Another option is to do it anyway: go to the bathroom, deny her chocolate, wear the shoes I'd planned, even if Elisabeth is having a breakdown about it. I won't let her sob, gasping for breath alone in the dark but I will eat when I'm hungry, dammit!

Even if the littles in our lives don't get it, we moms have certain rights. I may not have the right to go to the gym when I please but I do have the right to eat breakfast. But let's not confuse those rights with self-care! Breakfast isn't self-care; it's our right as a working mom who needs energy to care for her children. How we choose to claim those rights is up to us. Like so much else with children, this is another "pick your battle" type-adventure.

What options do you have that you aren't exercising?