Going To The Bathroom or Why Bothering People Is A Good Thing

On my flight back from Denver to Atlanta on Tuesday morning, I found myself settled happily  in the window seat. Until, I needed to go to the bathroom. Doing so means inconveniencing Aisle Typist and Middle Seat Business Person and, as I glanced up considering my exit, a drink cart and two flight attendant three rows up, advancing quickly. I think. As a mom, there have likely been moments when you have desperately needed to pee but cannot quite get to the bathroom. But my child isn't with me on this trip. I consider for another moment and get up. "Excuse me," I say to MSB. "How are you going to get back?" MSB asks. "I don't know," I reply and keep moving.

I walk down the aisle and happily slide into the bathroom. A quick peepee and I'm on my way. As I get closer, the flight attendant sees me coming and backs up a few rows. "Thank you," I say to her. "You're welcome," she says with a really nice smile. AT and MSB clumsily move out to allow me back to my window. MSB remains standing and after a brief hesitation, heads in the direction from which that I just came.

As I type this, I'm smiling. There wasn't any bravery or real risk taking in deciding to head to the bathroom on a very full plane but I'm still secretly thrilled that I did it. I wasn't going to! I figured, I could wait. I always wait to pee. In the middle of a conversation, carrying a toddler, no public bathroom, said toddler blocking the toilet, whatever. I always wait. But I didn't this time. And I felt worlds better, happy even. Two days later, I remember the good glow and that MSB decided to risk it.

We worry too much about bothering other people. I know I do. You likely do too. But we need to put that worry aside, especially when it comes to our own needs...even ones as "basic" as getting up to use the bathroom. When we do put that worry aside, we get a double header of goodness back at us: our right to feel loved, satisfied and successful are immediately affirmed AND people around us throw us a little more respect. They may not say anything but we don't need them to, do we? Putting aside this worry is especially important for moms. You may have littles at home (or bigs!) but your needs are still important. You still count.

So, go to the bathroom more often! Tell that toddler you have the right to potty too! Go for coffee with a friend! Hire a babysitter so you and partner can get out more (working on this one myself)! Whatever it is, do it. Take a step toward your own needs. And lower those bother-sensing antennae.

Did you do it? What was it? Leave a comment below. Thanks for reading.

Drop the Ball

What's distracting you?

For a month now I've been focused on the two trainings that I have this month. For the past week, I've been hyper focused on the one this Saturday-two days from now. Because I'm not in my office 40 hours a week, I've needed to really put myself into these projects in bunches of concentrated time. Which meant some things needed to be back-burnered. (See list below.) Doing so has reminded me that we women take on WAY too much on a regular basis. The result is cloudy thinking, little joy and general fatigue. Ick.

I know that I'm not alone here. Am I? I'm writing to moms, pregnant women, child-free women, trying to get pregnant women and women who love their nephews and nieces. In short, all of you. So I'm tossing down the gauntlet. What can you get rid of right now? Not in a few weeks although that is helpful too. Right NOW.

Need some ideas? How about-

• responding to email right away;

• a volunteer opportunity that is no longer meaningful;

• television;

• a "bad" client;

• standards that don't fit your life;

• social media including Facebook;

• friendships that are draining you;

• a commitment that doesn't make sense;

• clothes that don't fit;

• "perfect" writing;

• negative self-talk.

Shrug it off. Drop the ball. Take a pass. Sit this one out.

Notice how you feel. If you're still cloudy and listless, you need to clean house a bit more, my friend. You won't be "perfect" but you never were...none of us are so you're in good company.

Permission is granted! I'm giving you permission to do it, looking forward with a smile, not regret.

Then, let me know about it. Here in the comments, on Facebook or by email.

What will you get rid of?

Keepsakes

A recent DoubleX Gabfest episode started with a conversation around toddlers and talking. The hosts were talking with Margaret Talbot about her New Yorker article, The Talking Cure, which looks at a Providence RI program that seeks to teach lower income parents about the importance of talking to their toddlers.* The article is an interesting one but toward this segment of Gabfest, Talbot mentions more recent research by Unequal Childhoods author Annette Lareau which essentially says some upper class parents tend to be on their phones more...which is apparently just as problematic as not talking to their toddlers. Getting how mind numbing it can be to care for a a baby, my mind drifted toward the idea of keepsakes. 

Perhaps like me you kept a log early on dedicated to your baby. Mine was a simple notebook with basics (how many wet diapes, how many poopie ones) and moved into more interesting behaviors like first smiles or how long she would permit her daily tummy time. Somewhere around six months I stopped simply recording what Elisabeth did and started blogging my thoughts about her and parenting. I continued to take photos of course. Last August, I began to use the Evernote app to capture words and phrases that Elisabeth said. None of these are traditional "keepsakes" but they serve a similar purpose of helping record a life or event. 

We're inclined to take photos of our babies. Our smart phones are nearby, equipped with a more than decent camera, ready for anything. Lord knows, we pay enough each month for them, it can feel justified that they are attached to our hip! Many of us (me included) are also inclined to post  descriptions of cute things that our child did or said on various social media sites. Technology makes everything easy. Until we get lose it, break it or...it breaks us, that is. When every mom I know seems to wish for more hours in the day, "easy" is a no-brainer. Instagram, for example, is easy to use and hard to give up. It's not just a way to share a picture of with your sister three states away but also a way for you to stay in touch, see her kids playing and where she and her partner went to dinner. It's a connection. But do we need different kinds of keepsakes, other than our electronic ones?

I don't think there is one answer to that question. For some of us, no, we don't need keepsakes other than the electronic ones that we use. But for others, the answer is "yes". And I don't think it's complicated to determine which category you're in.

• Are you the DIY type? Do you like to scrapbook, write with a pen on actual paper or immerse yourself in paints, chalks, pastels? Are you at home with scissors and fabric, humming away on a project that isn't intended for public consumption? If this sounds like you, then creating a non-electronic keepsake may be a good idea.

• Are you more of an extrovert than introvert? Someone who likes being "out there"? Someone who appreciates others' shares and prefers to share with a larger number of people more often. Would you rather categorize the photos you took into albums on your computer OR print and put them into a scrapbook? If this feels more like you, then carry on with your Facebook posts, blogging and whatever else you're doing

While we might recognize bits of ourself in both "types", I think one is more like us than another. The challenge comes in owning whichever type that is and making it happen. It's never good if we find ourself acting more out of habit than true desire, if we post to Facebook when we'd really rather be writing in our journal. It's a trap we all fall into. I know I definitely do!

Do you have keepsakes of your child or children? If so, what are they? Leave a comment below. Thanks for reading.

* Research indicates that the amount you talk to your children basically depends on how much money you make. Working class families talk to their kids less, significantly less, than "professional" families do.

Gendered Childhood

Relatively speaking, gendering childhood doesn't seem as big of a deal as say, childhood sexual abuse. So it seems silly and a bit frivolous to talk about how problematic it is that our society (including friends and family) points parents to a specific color (pink), identity (princess), brand or toy dependent on whether or not we have a girl or boy child. So, instead of unpacking this concept, let me show you an example of what I mean:

Send the "availability" message early...at age 6 months at your local Buy Buy Baby!

...and if that's not enough, we have an all-boy or all-girl diaper selection at my local Harris Teeter. Could I find a pull-up that wasn't blue, pink or with a Disney character on it? Nope.

This is a problem. (Okay, I will talk about it.) What's the issue? some parents might ask. I love pink, others might add. I love pink too. So much so that my first company logo was pink...and brown. I do love pink. But I'm also an adult with access and awareness of other colors and choices.

The problem with gendering childhood is complicated but for me, boils down to two things. The first is about choice. When there is a lack of choice (a plain white size 5 diaper for example) choosing becomes an access and privilege issue. I can order Seventh Generation pull-ups from Amazon, a brand of diaper we've used since Elisabeth was born. They will come "free and clear", not only from chemicals but also from colors and branding. But that's a privilege. They are more expensive than the pink or blue Huggies. Money shouldn't dictate access, although we know that it does, as anyone who has ever looked at preschool for their child is aware.

Something else makes a product good enough for this mom to buy: inclusion of dads as parents who also care about kids' teeth.

The second issue that I have with gendering childhood is that gendering is stereotyping. When we stereotype, we miss who someone really is. Stereotypes limit our vision both for ourselves (what we can see of someone else) and for others (who they truly are). They are ultimately about inequality. When we pigeonhole people, in this case, children, it greatly limits their ability to express themselves. To be who they truly are. There's nothing good about that.

When Elisabeth is not singing or banging on something, she enjoys playing with dinosaurs (just ask her what Baryonyx used to eat!), jumping in puddles and getting her hands dirty. She also likes putting her dolls to sleep in her big girl bed or our couch, covering them up and saying quietly, "I'm here, I'm here,". Is she a "typical" girl? I don't know and don't care. What I do care about is making sure Elisabeth knows that she is accepted and loved for who she is. That means extra time to find sneakers without glitter and clothes that allow her to actually play in them. I'll do it because its important to me and I have the privilege of extra time and money for things that are important for our family. But I shouldn't have to. No one should.