You Pick Two

If I were to suggest two ways that could truly amp up your confidence, they would be these:

  1. Say what you mean. Not "yes", if you don't want to. Not "no" if you really would like to. Do you want to see someone again? Tell them. Do you want to ask someone to partner with you? Ask. Awkward is okay. And it's temporary. Confusion over mixed messages or regrets after lost opportunities,though, can last decades.

  2. Act in a way that shows the world what's important to you. This is your paid work, your volunteer work. It's your parenting, the way you treat the bartender and whether or not you try and negotiate a deal on furniture at TROSA. When you act in accordance with your values, you attract a certain community i.e. not everyone that is thirsty to support you.

Both of these tools help you break outside the mom box, into a mold that's completely you. I am not perfect. You know as well as I do the high costs of that shitty path and I don't know about you, but I'm not going back. I mess up all the time. But my life is a series of practices, not attempts at perfection, that reinforce the mold of awesome that I'm in. And that's better than the pinched corners of a box that doesn't fit any day.

That's it. So, you can pick two...or one. Or none. The choice is yours. And it's free. Bonus.

Concentrating On What Truly Matters

Like listening to your gut instinct, being able to fully concentrate on what truly matters can be hard. You're a busy woman; multi-tasking or squeezing in time to tackle something when it appears you may have a down moment is likely a norm...whether or not you have kids. But that doesn't always work well, does it? Whatever you do get done isn't usually your best and mistakes happen. In addition, you often aren't fully able to concentrate on what truly matters, whether it is the work in front of you, driving a car, watching your child or being with your partner. Let's talk about concentrating on what truly matters so you feel more present, less anxious and maybe even a little safer.

In this not so distant past (this morning), my phone was on the passenger seat of my car. Where I needed it, right? At stop lights, I'd text and jot ideas/tasks/reminders in my Evernote app. Sometimes with my headset, I'd talk to my sisters or dad on the phone in the car. But none of this is good. Because I'm not fully concentrating on what truly matters...in my case, driving a 3000 pound car safely.

In a recent blog post on digital hygiene, Seth Godin recommends putting your phone in the glove box when driving. I was with Seth on the post, up until this point. Just reading it made me anxious. What if I needed it? What if my phone melted because I forgot it? Like you, I am attached to my phone. It's never far out of sight, or likely out of hand. But as usual, Seth was right. Not only do we need distance from our technology so we can be more productive when we are at work but more generally, we need to be better at concentrating on what truly matters.

I give you permission to put your phone in the glovebox. I give you permission to not be available 24/7 to everyone and anyone.

When you put your phone in the glovebox (literally or metaphorically), you're making a conscious decision to improve your concentration on what truly matters. You're deciding in favor of your mental health and perhaps physical health too. "This is an area of anxiety that I can control," you declare when you put that phone in the glovebox. You're confirming your commitment to do good work well, not average work when you can.

Concentrating on what truly matters isn't easy but it isn't rocket science either. It's a simple formula: remembering (your awareness of the distraction) + doing (putting the distraction, like a phone, away) = better concentration on what truly matters. Along the way, you'll also notice less anxiety, increased productivity and greater safety.

Is your phone the distraction you need to put in the glovebox? Or is it something else? Leave me a comment below. And if you like this post, click the heart below. Thanks for reading.

PS. We talk about distractions, busyness vs. productivity and all about making time for what truly matters in my group coaching program, Uncommon Confidence, which starts August 20. Join me and a small group of other women as we journey to feel and act more confidently in ways that matter everyday.

Do Unto Others

I know you do. You head back to the store to pay for the toy that your child walked out with. You see the barista at Starbucks and interact with her like she's a person you know. You pay your bills on time. The problem isn't you, my friend. It's everyone else.

And herein lies the shitty truth that you need to tell people (a client of mine said "train people," once...which I also liked) how you MUST be treated. This is one of the basic principles of good boundaries. You tell them what's okay i.e. you set a boundary and then when it's overstepped, you don't engage. Repeat: you don't engage. Stop the work. Stop the presses. Stop the talking. Just pull the emergency lever like it's on a runaway train that you need to get the hell off of.

It's that simple. That doesn't mean it's easy but it is that simple.

Don't make this more complicated than it is.

Don't make this more complicated than it is.

Here's another truth: no one will think less of you when you tell someone how you need to be treated, usually, we'll think MORE of you. Because you're taking a stand for yourself. That shows self-respect. Self-respect is that perfume we wear that everyone wants to know the name of. It's irresistible.

Stop being the doormat who tries to accommodate everyone. Impossible. And you will always fail. Instead, strive for being the woman who accommodates in order of importance...to her! Let anything else fall away. It's not for you. Don't wear it or carry it. 

Do unto others should work both ways. But it doesn't. Take good care of YOU, my friend.

Bad to The Bone: How Bad Habits Affect Confidence

As I sat in traffic yesterday (twice!) cursing, I realized I never finished this blog post. Maybe if I had, I wouldn't be repeating the same mistake over and over again, feeling frustrated and annoyed each time.

One of my bad habits is leaving too little time to get to the next thing.

This isn't always my fault. Any parent out there knows, unless you're taking your kid to ice cream or a Playmobil store, it is notoriously difficult to get out of the house. Water bottles? Check. Change of clothes? Check. We're almost done potty training so we still need to think about wipes and diapers, just in case. Check, check. But even with the child factor and the unknown factor ("when did construction start here??"), 80-85% of this is on me.

Bad habits take a toll on our confidence. When I'm running late, negative self-talk comes in big time. "Other parents are there on time..." is a big one. We have the world beating us up, down and sideways, we don't need to add to that nasty conversation! Self-talk can be a prophetic so if there's mean shit we're saying to ourselves, we need to knock it off. If I nix this bad habit of running late, the "you're not as good a parent," talk will also go by the wayside.

This bad habit, though, is not just bad on us; it's bad on / for others. Who wants to look rushed? And I'd rather my child not saying, "I'm holding on!" as we speed through town. Ugh. Neither of those are good.

This blog does a nice job holding me accountable so I'll claim it here: this habit will be nixed by September 1. Eeek! Here's what I'm going to do to make it happen:

  1. Adjust all of my clocks to be on time, not fast. I realized part of my challenge is not knowing exactly how much time I have to get to somewhere because my watch runs 5 minutes fast (I think!), my car is 9 minutes fast (or is it 10?) but my phone is exact. Confusion doesn't help.
  2. Give myself a big window to practice. September 1 is a not-so-distant goal so it feels both urgent and manageable.
  3. For NY State Senator, Kirsten Gillibrand, the most important thing is picking up her kids each day. Not sure how true this is for me but the idea rings true. I need to say "no", in the moment more to the person I'm with who might make me late.
  4. Document it! I'll share this intention on social media starting this week (not next when this post will come out!) and with friends, clients, family, etc. Accountability is essential when changing habits (why you hire a coach!) so I'll take it wherever I can find it.

I'll report back in the September 2 blog post how this worked. In the interim, what are your bad habits? How do they hold you back? Share a comment below or over at my Facebook page.