{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} 13 #stress busters for #newmoms

Release your inner hula-hooper!

Okay, moms, you may not be pregnant any more but it's still absolutely essential that you practice good self-care. Perhaps even more important than before because now you have an entire person depending on your good health, both emotional and physical. Below are 13 stress busters especially designed for you new moms.

1. Stay hydrated. Obviously essential when you’re breast-feeding but so important for everyone else. If we have issues with things like vaginal dryness, for example, hydration can be linked to that. Ditto for headaches and fatigue. Got either of those? Tea, coffee and alcohol dehydrate too so you need more water if you are drinking those.

2. Go outside. There's just something about stepping out of your house into the world. The air is different, the ceiling is higher, the light is likely brighter. It's calming, for you and your child. Calm is good. Just typing these words gets me taking some deep breathes. Bundle up if you need to but head outside and just see what you notice...about yourself and the world that you see around you. Take some deep breathes when you're out there.

3. Make self-care a part of your everyday routine. Seriously. It can be part of your everyday while not adding extra "work". Some small ways to do so? Take good, whole-food based vitamins and supplements. Dab a calming essential oil on your wrists. Get up 5 minutes earlier. Stretch your body before the day starts. 

4. Keep (start) saying "no". Ugh, this is a hard one but gosh, is it a goodie! This is one where you notice the difference immediately. Remember that saying "no" gives someone else the opportunity to say “yes”. Saying "no" also allows people who are more expert than you to do the work. Saying "no" also frees up more emotional energy which we all need. 

5. Take breaks...at work, at home. Step away from the computer (or phone). Head to the bathroom, the break room or kitchen. When you're in that new place, do something different than what you were doing: brew a cup of tea, pour a glass of water, open a magazine, talk to someone in person. Breaks are essential for us to continue to do good work, not get bored, burned or resentful. 5 minutes, 15 minutes, 50 minutes, it's all good.

6. Move more, click less. You know what I mean. Get thee away from this screen!  Roll (kick/throw) a ball to your child. Whip out your hula hoop. Take a barre class. Buy a barre for your living room, if you can't get to class. Bring your child or not. But moving not only gets you connected to your body, builds strength and eases stress but it also often connects you face-to-face with others. That's better for you than screen time, anytime.

7. Talk to a friend. In person. Remember what that was like? It felt good, right? Okay, so start it up again. Even if it only 30 minutes, make it happen. Connecting with friends in person is so crucial. They are our reality check, our champion, our support system. We need them. But if theyre not..

8. Keep “better” company. That may mean not accepting friend requests from people who you don’t really want to get to know better/stay in touch with. or it could mean dropping a friendship that has been draining you. The company we keep influences our emotional health. Just ask anyone who's struggling in her marriage or just moved to a new town. 

9. Meet a neighbor. Some of my neighbors are having a block potluck this Sunday and I'm excited! The group socialization isn't everyone's bag, I know. But studies show that being connected to your greater community, your neighborhood, is actually good for your health. It can also be a really nice way to de-stress, meet new people and apologize in advance for the flowers that your toddler might pick from a garden other than his own.

10. Let go of what's not working. You know you have something that's nor working that you feel you should let go. What is it? Decide when and how you;re going to drop it. Remember, saying "no" opens ups a "yes" for someone else. If it feels like there are a lot of stressors and you feel conflicted about what to let go, it can help to talk them out with someone unattached to them. Click here to learn about my wellness coaching offerings. And message me if you need a 15% off coupon ;-)

11. Go out with your honey. No babysitter? No problem! Head over to my Facebook page and leave me a comment that you'd like to be connected into our local babysitter swap. What if you're not local to Durham? What about starting a swap in your own 'hood? Put the idea out via your local moms group or neighborhood list serve.

12. Practice gratitude. And make it public if you can. Facebook it or Tweet it or..don't. The idea is to offer up what you feel grateful for as a way to practice mindfulness and just to be present with what is good. The stress won't necessarily abate but you might find yourself less anxious about what is distressing or challenging you. 

13. Eat an apple. Low calorie, packed with fiber and Vitamin C, this Fall fruit is a perfect complement to any healthy changes you want to make. Apples are also associated with lowering risk of heart disease and cardiovascular disease. For all the good they offer, apples are also relatively inexpensive although they are one of those fruits which ideally you want to eat organic since you are consuming the skin. Take a bite!

What's missing? What would you add? Leave me a comment below. And, as always, thanks for reading.

{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} "Did I have a traumatic #childbirth?"

I read a terrific blog post recently that one mom wrote about her childbirth experience. Her labor was long but not concerning. Neither she or the baby were in any kind of danger. From all outside appearances, things looks fine. The exact opposite of how healthcare professionals define "traumatic childbirth". But to this mom, her childbirth experience was traumatic. This is an important distinction.

If we followed the legal definition of domestic violence in terms of providing services to those in need, very few women would ever get help. The legal definition of domestic violence is just that limiting. Similarly if we allow medical professionals to define (or not) our childbirth experience, many of us would not only not have the opportunity to process it but perhaps more of us would feel reluctant to name our childbirth as traumatic. Both are problematic when it comes to our mental health. 

{Funny how both are "women's issues", isn't it?}

We make birth plans, hire doulas, take a childbirth ed class...all things we do to claim our childbirth experience. Claiming your childbirth experience doesn't end when that precious baby arrives in the world! If you feel that your childbirth experience was traumatic for any reason, that is enough of a qualification. 

You have a healthy baby, right? So what exactly do you have to "complain" about? Talking about your childbirth experience (or any aspect of mothering for that matter) is not complaining; it's you taking responsibility for your healing, your self-esteem and your identity as a woman and a mother. As new moms, it's important to practice separating out needs as individuals from our role as a mother so both pieces of yourself are allowed to matter. We've never done this before. As an individual, you have needs, dreams and wants. They are important. But as a mom, you're often told that your needs don't count. But that doesn't mean that those wants and needs go away. They are still important; we just need to own them better and feel supported doing so. Talking about your childbirth is one way to do this.

No, my childbirth experience wasn't traumatic. I feel very lucky because I have known so many women who did feel that theirs was traumatic but didn't feel that they could talk about it or name it for what it truly was. (And certainly no one asks!) This void is why I've started offering trauma counseling. Trauma counseling is a time for women to talk about a trauma related to their pregnancy or childbirth experience. So if you need to claim that childbirth experience as traumatic, today or five years now, you absolutely should...and feel supported doing so.

As always, thank you for reading! I am grateful that you're here.

{New #OutsideTheMomBox post} July #NewMoms group conversation: changing #relationships

The second Saturday of each month is the Outside The Mom Box support group for new moms and babies. Each session starts out with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes for Q&A, then close. We've tackled introducing solids, travel, summer, and a slew of other relevant baby topics so this month we focused on mom. Our topic was "changing relationships".  Here are a few noteworthy snippets from that conversation:

"Being listened to is one of the highest forms of respect and validation." - Mark Ogletree

Juggling your rapidly growing baby is enough of a task but when you factor in outside employment, extra commitments like church or volunteering, pets in the home or other issues, finding time to catch up with friends, even if they do have kids of their own, can feel overwhelming. Luckily, the moms on Saturday felt like that they either a) did have some good friendship that were being attended to or b) were in the process of building new friendships with other new moms. I definitely was in the latter category until Elisabeth was about 7 months or so. I didn't know many women who were also new moms who lived closely or who were home with their child and honestly, many new moms seemed much more together than I. I felt vulnerable reaching out to new moms. It was way too easy to attend to my own child and not talk to anyone else. But I don't recommend that strategy; it was lonely! One mom shared that it can be hard to be the only couple in their groups of friends to have a child. All social activities seemed to have stopped now that baby is getting older and a bedtime routine has developed. It's crucial for us to find moms with babies around our kids' age to connect with, for our own mental health and to ensure future playdates.

Some of the women in the group talked about their relationships with their own parents. One woman's relationship with her mom became very positive after her baby was born. Another woman talked about how she still felt like a little kid around her own dad sometimes, even though she is an adult and now a parent herself. Dealing with our parents now that we are parents can be tricky. My own mom just sent a book of nursery rhymes to my daughter when she learned that Elisabeth didn't have one ("they teach memorization and movement!!" she said). I don't really like it. I WANTED to like it so badly, believe me. But it just doesn't do it for me. My mom, though, loves the idea of Elisabeth reading nursery rhymes and so I let it go. 

We also talked husbands! How we have a shorter fuse now than we did before with him and how challenging it can feel to have our partner not have the same sense of urgency when it comes to doing something baby-related i.e. baby proofing etc. Especially in the early days with a new baby, dad might default to mom to soothe the baby with "you're better at it," or "she likes what you're doing better,". That's hard for mom because then it feels like it is all on her, all the time. Sometimes dads tend to try 1-2 things and if they don't work, they give up...too easily, many of the moms agreed! When one of the moms shared that she did what many of us moms do (just keep trying a bunch of things until something worked) I was reminded of the #lifesinvisiblework hashtag that I created. There are so many little things that moms do all the time, all day (and all night!) long for their baby, that aren't remarkable or particularly noteworthy but are still important. 

Finally, we talked sex. In the beginning, and that means the beginning of when you start to have sex again after baby (not related to baby's age), it will likely be uncomfortable. It can be painful, especially if there was any tearing. It definitely was for me. A lack of sleep, too many things on our "must tackle" list and the unpredictability of a baby schedule's can add even more angst to getting back into feeling like you want to be intimate with your partner. We talked about scheduling time for sex and while that can feel lacking in spontaneity, it can help with feeling more relaxed, less rushed and perhaps in a better mood overall. Easing into sex by starting in a position that has traditionally been better for you, both in terms of comfort and also pleasure, can also help. Getting enough rest so you don't feel tired, starting with massage or an evening out can also go a long way to making you feel more comfortable about resuming sex again.

For Durham area new moms, our August (8/10) topic is: "sleep". Once again, we will be at my office at 1200 Broad Street, Suite 104, in Durham. RSVPs are not required!

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{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} Impact of maternal #childhood #sexualabuse on #babies

Childhood sexual assault (CSA) survivors have a different set of challenges than new moms who aren't survivors. [For perspective, about 1 in 7 girls will be sexually abused before her 18th birthday.] These challenges can manifest themselves in different, often unexpected ways, not just in mom, but also in baby. As the first in a new series here dedicated to raising awareness about the realities that survivors face as pregnant women and new moms, I'm going to highlight three ways that a history of CSA in mom can impact a newborn's health and well being:

1. From the strange new feeling of your milk letting down to the realization that your breasts really aren't your own anymore, breastfeeding can be a very triggering act for a survivor. Add in factors like an infant's roving hand, pain of any sort, feedings at all hours and you can start to see why some survivors don't breastfeed. For survivor moms, it's usually less of a "choice" and instead often related to not being able to tolerate breastfeeding or the fact that it just doesn't work for them. And yet, we all know that breastfeeding is ideal for baby. Studies that confirm this are numerous; check out the first paragraph here for details. 
2.  Failure to thrive (FTT) is a state of undernutrition due to inadequate caloric intake, inadequate caloric absorption, or excessive caloric expenditure. There are two types of FTT: non-organic (a non-medical reason the infant isn't thriving) and organic (a medical reason that the baby isn't thriving). With both types, the bottom line is that baby isn't getting fed enough. There are many reasons why FTT can occur: lack of success breastfeeding, emotional overwhelm in mom, misunderstanding or a lack of understanding about basic infant needs in mom/parents, lack of attachment to baby by mom, etc. Each of these above reasons can be by-products of mom's past history of abuse. Dr. Kathleen Kendall-Tackett, IBCLC talks a bit about this here.
3. Not all women bond immediately with their baby.  For survivors, however, that bonding may take even longer, even if the baby is "just" a normal, dependent infant. If the baby is special needs, is "difficult" or has other challenges (colic, etc.) then bonding may be even harder. "Mere" insistent neediness of a baby may stir up past feelings of vulnerability and powerless that mom associates with the perpetrator of her abuse. It's normal: the perpetrator took what he wanted from the survivor and when a new baby enters the survivor's world, dependent and unable to feed or care for herself, the survivor's body is once again at the whim of someone else. This lack of bonding can become problematic though if FTT (see #2) develops and/or if mom begins to have ideas of harming her baby.

What does all of this mean? Well, simply due to their past abuse, survivors carry with them challenges that can complicate their ability to provide the best care for their baby. Add in factors like poverty, a lack of education, an absent or abusive partner, and you have a survivor mom who may barely be hanging on. This is something that should concern all of us. But here's what we can do:

• Keep in mind the challenges of survivors that we discussed above when you hear the ever-present "breast is best" motto. Click here for a bit more on this issue. Not being able to breastfeed a child can be devastating for a new mom's fragile mental health but what is often more detrimental to mom and baby is the societal guilt that moms are made to feel by not doing the "best" they can for their child i.e. breastfeeding.
• Provide support. Support is continually named over and over one of the best resources that you can give a new mom. Good, informed support helps new moms feel less alone, more normal and more accepted. Not to mention provide them with trusted resources that they trust when they need more help or advice. All of this is why I offer free groups. What can you do? Attend a group, help make a group happen for those who need it, or volunteer in a way that feels right to you.
• Rise above the "mommy wars". It can be so hard to sit back and mind your own business. That's true for me too! But we really must. When we accept that we can't ever know someone's whole story and therefore have no place to judge them, then we are removing ourselves from the insidious "us vs. them" battle. It's a battle that neither side will win, even if we "lean in" so let's just opt out of it altogether.

Starting this fall, I'll offer my first virtual program: a childbirth education class specifically for survivors. Open to any survivor, living anywhere, we will meet weekly over a conference call line for seven weeks. First names only. If you'd like more details, head over here to give me a call or message me. Thanks for reading.