Ignoring The Thing That Hurts

As women we look the other way a lot. We ignore the online comment that is an insult or we make decisions out of default, watching the hours or days pass by without any action other than noticing. Sometimes we even ignore our own internal or external hurt. We often aren't willing to really sit with the thing that feels uncomfortable and then take action to make that issue feel better. "The devil you know" and all that allows us to sit, usually unchallenged, in our own hurt. Until now.

Opening up into whatever hurts is painful in the obvious ways. If you've been ignoring a physical pain or health concern, it could be painful having that area explored by a physician. I get it. Even if your hot spot isn't physical, it can be painful just talking about whatever hurts you. But you need to. Because you deserve better.

I've spoken with clients who justify the pain that they're in as "payback" for something that they did wrong in the past. Honestly, it wasn't that long ago that I thought the same thing. But in the years since, I've come to the conclusion that no one deserves to be hurt because of something that they *think* they did wrong in the past. And even if I did do something wrong, overall, I'm a good person. Everyone makes mistakes. But if it feels important to ask for forgiveness for your past mistake, do so to whomever you need to. I give it to you here as well. And then, move on to paying attention to your own hurt. Bring your attention back to that.

You're the one that others depend on. You keep family circles together as well as circles of friends from high school. You remember others' birthdays and bring food when someone is sick or had a new baby. Your presence means the world to so many people. You don't deserve the internal suffering that is a by-product of you sticking your head in the sand. And that's true no matter what you've done.

When you sit with your hurt and concentrate on mending it, your heart becomes lighter. Your shoulders will spring back from their crunched position. Deep breathes will come without prompting. Your sleep will be better, you'll be less inclined to head for a sugar fix and more inclined to smile. Paying attention to your hurt and mending it reaffirms your commitment to yourself as a woman who deserves love and good fortune. Because you do.

What's your hurt that needs to be mended?

Stop, drop and roll (on)

Your partner isn't smarter than you. S/he isn't more organized. But s/he is likely keeping track of way less than you are. Should you change that? Maybe, but perhaps not in the way you're imagining.

When I wondered why my husband never seemed to scrawl down a thought, text at a stop light or write down notes on his bedside table, I realized that he kept track of way less than I do. (Belated lightbulb moment, yes!) Like many women, I handle the bulk of the running of our house which includes childcare and school. I bet this isn't so different for you too. I'm also the one who volunteers, RSVPs to events, gets up early and handles all medical appointments. My husband keeps track of little outside of his own work. The more thoughts/commitments I have to keep track of, the less attention I have and the more I revert to texting while at stop lights.  

This is why you must drop what doesn't work for you. Be relentless about this. Don't drop it 1/2 way and "just" do the marketing (as I was recently asked). That's not dropping anything. It's hard to drop anything. You're good at a lot and other people know it. But you know that when you spread myself too thin, you don't do anyone any good. Least of all yourself if you're still texting at stop lights or shopping at the last minute for a birthday gift. 

Here's another reason to drop stuff: the less clutter you have, the better decisions you'll make. Excess clutter of all types diminishes your ability to say “no” for two reasons:

  1.  You can't hear gut instinct. Using gut instinct is one way to get to "no" if you're stuck but you can't summon gut instinct. It's either there or it's not. And it's not there if your world is too loud, crowded or full of multi-tasking. It's also not present if you're sleepy.
  2. Clutter = stuff = low energy. I have a huge pile of clothes in a closet. It contains clothes from all seasons and I'm unsure what to do with it. So it sits looking at reproachfully at me, drawing my precious energy into an abyss that I can't get back. 

We can only change what we have control over. And that includes the stuff you handle. You're beautiful as you are. Don't change a thing if it's all working for you! But do give yourself greater sanity, control and peace of mind by dropping what's not working for you and is costing you any of those three things. 

What will you drop? Leave me a note below.

"On the joyous side"

My husband and I went to our first parent/teacher conference yesterday. Feeling most comfortable with a pen and paper (if no laptop is available), I took copious notes, as if I would have been able to call my mother afterwards. Instead of that option, however, these notes seem to be destined for me. But as I looked at the notes this morning, I noticed this line, "her strongest expressions are on the joyous side,". Underlined and starred. These are the words of one of her two teachers: "on the joyous side".

What would your life look like if your "strongest expressions" were "on the joyous side"? I don't know about you but often my strongest expressions are on the angry side. I often find myself furious with how someone is being treated, raging at others' ignorance or outraged by my daughter's kicking or yelling at me. "On the joyous side," though...that sounds delicious. And tricky, I think. It is way more socially acceptable to talk about how busy you are (everyone nodding solemnly with immediate personal validation ensuing) than to talk about your downtime. Sometimes when a mom mentions how busy she was, I nod and talk about how hard that can be without actually chiming in about my own busyness. I think claiming joy is similar. For me, it's easier to own being angry or lacking peace, even, than it is to claim joy.

Let's start together, though. Give yourself the chance to feel better by playing around with this process. You deserve to. To recap: it's a discovery of that joy, then doing and claiming it. Which part is the most challenging for you? Thanks for reading.