March's new mom group conversation

The second Saturday of the month is my support group for new moms and babies. Each session starts out with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes for Q&A, then close. Starting this month, my goal is to write a follow-up blog post featuring some of the highlights of our conversation. This month we discussed "developing a routine with a new baby". We talked challenges, the impact of our shifting identity (from "me" to "we") on a routine, the must-know's or need to accepts and some solutions.

We isolated the very clear challenges with developing a new routine. Those included: the basic issue of having to bring another human being along with you who can't support himself, stand by herself, feed or change himself. That's A LOT in and of itself!  We acknowledged that because "the answer changes all the time," it can be hard to plan time to do _____ or count on having dinner at 7:30 pm each night. The fact that there is such a substantial learning curve with having a new baby complicates every decision, let alone when we might have time to exercise, for example. An employer expects it to take a while for a new employee to learn the ropes of a new job. Moms don't get any such concession with a baby; they are thrust right into the thick of it! The bar is set very high with often little time and few resources or support.

Routines, we acknowledged, are safe. They are safe because we know what we can expect and count on. So when we don't have a routine, life can feel unpredictable and scary. So they are important, We talked about how developing a new routine was essential. Wearing our new "mom" hat instead of our old, familiar "(insert your name here)" hat would ground that new routine. Ideally with this "mom" hat on, we will start to accept realities like "it's not the end of the world if dinner doesn't happen at 7:30 each night." whereas before that might not have felt like an option. Wearing our "mom" hat will hopefully allow us to sink into that new identity and perhaps get used to asking for help more often, for example.

Some "need-to-know's" that we came up with were:

• Our time is just more limited. Even the smallest tasks will take much longer.
• "It" won't be like "this" forever but it will be for a while. So reframing can allow us to accept a different kind of meaning for "routine".
• We will never be able to get it all done. There will always be something to do.

A few solutions:

• Creating "anchor" tasks to help offset the frazzle.  Examples: shower every day, use a meal planning service (this one was recommended) , exercise certain days of the week not 5 days perhaps but maybe 2-3.
• Limit the number of "yeses" that we agree to. Some things are just not realistic any longer. And that's okay.  It's temporary and it's okay.
• Watch our use of "should". "Should" often carries obligation or guilt with it and we don't need any more of that!
• Be kinder to ourselves. Letting go of what people think or what "should" be happening.
• Find a community of support. Whether that is a group of moms like this one, new moms in your neighborhood or a LLL group, it's essential to be connected to other moms who are in a similar place.
• Ask for help more. People want to help. Whether that mean someone else lifting our baggage into an overhead bin as we settle into a plane with baby or "just" taking someone up on their offer to walk the dog, accepting help more often will take the pressure off us while making someone else feel good for doing good.  A win-win!
• Self-care.  Let's get more of that in there. Exercise, time away from baby, a massage perhaps! Make sure we are taking good care of ourselves.

I hope this summary is helpful for a new mom who may be interested in attending and as a refresher for those who did attend. Our April topic is: travel with baby.

Dear reader, what would you add?  Or is there something that you wished was discussed?  Leave a comment below.  

If you liked this post, would you click the heart below?  Thank you!  And if you really liked and want to hear more, I hope you will subscribe here or join us next month.

Who hires a postpartum doula?

I get asked this question a lot.

It usually stems from the confusion about what a postpartum doula actually does.  Which makes sense.  Whenever you hear the word "doula", many people assume the doula in question is a birth doula...if they know the word "doula" at all!

Here's a bit of my own story--

When I had my daughter, my heart felt like it might burst with love for her but I also felt lost, stressed and worried. My husband and I combined had about five minutes' worth of baby experience and while our hearts were willing, our brains were muddy from nerves and a lack of sleep- completely unreliable at a time when we needed them most. We weren’t sure about a lot.

• Is she getting enough to eat? The nurses at the hospital said wake to feed her and my sisters said not to.  Who do I listen to?

• She sleeps so much! Is this normal?

• We thought that babies cried a lot.  She doesn't cry very much; is our daughter okay?

Without family close by, I relied on the usual SOS’s: texting and Google. Getting informed, reliable help when you need it shouldn’t be that hard, even if it is “just” an extra pair of hands so you can shower.

Enter my plan--once I got my sea legs and my mind back--to become a postpartum doula.  I love the idea of supporting women and their families when they need it most.  Yes, they need the support in childbirth too and there are amazing birth doulas, midwives and other professionals who meet that need.  But there are far fewer of us who are there when the going gets really rough, when the rubber meets the road, when the euphoric "I DID IT!!" stage wears off and what you have left is pain, confusion and sleeplessness.  This is often the place where the gap of community and support becomes strikingly obvious. And happily, that's where I step in. 

Most of my work at Outside The Mom Box is about building relationships.  In childbirth education, with local recommendations, through support groups and more.  Not many people let a complete stranger into their home at their most vulnerable time.  I wouldn't! My goal when I meet clients, any new folks really, is to get to know the other person (who she is, what;s important to her, what are her hopes and fears, etc.) and maybe get to share a bit of who I am and perhaps some resources to help in the future. I do this work because I feel passionate about supporting women and their families.  I do it because I want to be of service.  So, maybe the best answer to "who hires a postpartum doula?" is this: families who wants their little one to get the best possible start in the world.

Want to see more like this?  Hit the "subscribe" button below.

Subscribe to "Outside The Mom Box: The Blog" by Email

Product review: Lilly Padz

Oh, to be a nursing mama!  Especially in those early days.  After you've got the hang of it and the milk is flowing, you start to feel pretty good about how you can feed your baby whenever and wherever she needs it. Until you start to leak.  At the most inopportune times.  Argh!  While leaking breasts are a fact of life, they don't need to be an inconvenience.

One of the best products that I found when I was a new mom were made locally.  (Can you believe it?)  Lilly Padz, based in Cary, NC, are the answer to every nursing mom's needs.  These small reusable, breathable "pads" are packed two per box and retail for $22-25 everywhere, from Amazon to their site.  And they're genius because they work.  And they're reusable, unlike the cloth-like pads that are a band-aid against leakage, Lilly Padz adhere to the nipple and prevents breastmilk from flowing out.  They work amazingly well. They aren't good forever, so you will need to replace them periodically, depending on use. Clean them with Lilly Wash to prolong their life.But they are hands-down much better than the disposable ones which shift in your bra or top and don't really do the job that they are supposed to.   And of course they are invented by a mom!

Note: I am not getting paid by Lilly Padz to endorse them.  I just think they're terrific.

Like this post? Click the adorable heart button below.  Want to share it?  Click below.  Want to get more great content like this?  Click here and have terrific tips, product reviews, support and information delivered right to your inbox.

Are you at risk for a postpartum mood disorder?

It's a little bit of a trick question because postpartum depression can affect any new mom. But it's important to note that there are some populations that are at a higher risk for postpartum mood disorders in general.  Here are some of those groups:

Women who have had health-oriented /physical challenges in their past:

• Survivors of intimate partner violence;
• Survivors of sexual assault, rape or childhood sexual assault*;
• Women who have suffered / suffer from disordered eating behaviors;
• Women with a history of depression;
• Women with a history of bipolar disorder;

Women with the following specific social or economic challenges:

• Women with limited family support;
• Women who are poor or lower income;

Lastly, there are factors related to the baby that put some women at a higher risk:

• Special needs babies;
• Colicky babies;
• Chronically ill babies or babies with life-threatening illnesses.

[Author, IBCLC and speaker Dr. Kathleen Kendall-Tackett talks about all of the above challenges and more in greater detail in her book, Depression in New Mothers. I highly recommend it if you are interested in reading more about postpartum mood disorders.]

I would also add women who have suffered from chronic pain, after reading this article.  This is just my opinion but I can't imagine how suffering from constant pain wouldn't make you predisposed to a postpartum mood disorder. Finally there is a new study out that says that women who fear childbirth are also at greater risk for postpartum mood disorders.

With all of these risk factors, I can't help but wonder why more women aren't diagnosed with a postpartum mood disorder.  But of course, as we know, postpartum mood disorder screenings aren't thorough, perfect or even often enough.  The onus is, once again, on the new mom herself to come forward.  But when you're in a haze of confusion, pain, sleeplessness and perhaps anxiety, it can be hard to sort through whether your feelings are normal.  Also not helpful is the fact that you don't see your OB until six weeks after you have your baby/babies.  That may not be early enough (postpartum depression can happen anytime in the first year) or it may be too late. 

Here are three things you can do, if you happen to fall into any of this categories of higher risk:

1. Make finding a good local new moms group, like mine, a priority for yourself before the baby arrives.  Good social support is ESSENTIAL as a new mom.  You will need to know that you aren't alone, that you (and your worries) are normal and that many new moms share your fears, wants and concerns.  . 
2. Consider hiring a postpartum doula.  They have the distance and the expertise to recognize problems before they arise.  Postpartum doulas are trained in, among other things, recognizing signs that mom gives...whether spoken or unspoken.  Postpartum doulas aren't counselors but they can refer out to a qualified professional.
3. Speak up.  If something is upsetting to you, talk with your partner, friend or another trusted mom about it.  If you need something, ask for it.  Too many of us suffer in silence, or just as damaging resentment, when it would be better for our physical and emotional health just to talk about it.

A postpartum mood disorder isn't a life sentence or something to be ashamed of.  Let's keep the conversation going so we can all stay better informed and in doing so, be better advocates.