{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} My Story

I didn't expect to be able to get pregnant, or get pregnant easily. I was 38 and just imagined that I was likely "too old". But luckily for us, we did get pregnant and luckily for me, my pregnancy wasn't difficult. Physically I felt good. I was exhausted in the early weeks of the first trimester but when that faded. Most of the time, I had good energy, slept well and while I stopped going to the gym early on, I remained active with walking and yoga. Emotionally, however, I was a different story.

I had been a confident woman for decades so it was strange to feel like that was all gone. Suddenly, I felt anxious about every little thing. I felt sure that I was the oldest mom-to-be in Durham. There was no "First Time Moms Over 40" Durham Meet-Up at that time. I didn't know anyone else who was pregnant! On my daily drives to Chapel Hill, I found myself angry with careless drivers on 15/501 and wished aloud many times for a "pregnant lady on board" sign for my car so they might be extra careful around me. I felt unsupported and stressed emotionally about my job and uncertain, even what it would be, when I returned from my leave. There was no "pregnant women support group" that I could find. I felt alone and vulnerable often.

...until about the seventh month! My husband and I took a childbirth ed class where we finally met other expecting parents. There wasn't much time set aside to talk among ourselves or debrief in general but I really appreciated the weekly company. We also hired a birth doula which was reassuring for both of us. I'd come full circle with my job, too. I had originally planned on returning after my three month leave (1/2 of which would be unpaid) but ended up deciding it would be best to give notice and find something else at the end of the summer. I began to feel my confidence come back.

My daughter was born in the summer of 2012.  Neither my husband or I had much experience with babies and I remember thinking, through my fog of sleeplessness, worry and physical pain, “it shouldn’t be like this.”  When I learned about post-partum doulas a few months later, I decided that I wanted be one of these amazing women: a special blend of confidante, sister, nurse. But was that the answer? I'd already began to wrestle with this new identity.  I was someone's mother while still 'Elizabeth'. "Elizabeth", as I knew her, had to be in there somewhere, I thought. And it didn't seem to be "just" a matter of finding a new career.

I began to realize that it was about more than wanting to offer support and help as a postpartum doula, I realized that we moms need to give ourselves permission to count again. I needed to. And not just in the professional sense, as it seemed I was trying to. It felt wrong to go off and have a coffee with an old friend but common sense and a good sense of self told me that was exactly the thing I needed to recharge and return ready to tackle a hungry baby.  I was still important as an individual with different needs (including professional ones), even if I was now someone's mom. This permission to count again, to see one's self as important and to be seen as important -separate from being a mom - seemed to be completely missing from conversations that I was part or anything that I read.

I started Outside The Mom Box about eighteen months after I had my daughter. And with it, I started to have the permission conversation on a smaller level, in blog posts, support groups and informally. Grounded in that piece, I started to offer all the services and support that I wanted and couldn't find when I was pregnant and a new mom:

• Pregnant women and new moms support group? Check!

• Short-term coaching services to normalize feelings of anxiety, offer a reality check from someone who's been there before and won't judge? Check!

• Short term counseling and 

In the works for 2015 are educational trainings, a new mom workshop and more.

If you're a pregnant woman or new mom, let me know by visiting my contact page or leaving a comment below if there's something you are seeking but cannot find. If it's not on my resources page, I might be able to help you find it. 

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Before I had my daughter, I worked with in the non profit world with survivors of intimate partner violence, as a counselor, coordinator of a 24-hour crisis line and as the chief trainer of crisis counseling and intervention skills to over fifty volunteers and interns. My career also includes time spent in corporate America and small business. I'm attended the University of Connecticut for my undergraduate work and Southern Connecticut State University for my graduate degree in Women's Studies. Head here for my complete resume, list of recommendations or to connect with me..

{new #OutsideTheMomBox post} Why is it so darn hard to feel like a good #mom?

Do you hear from others that you are a good mom and sometimes have a hard time believing them? I did, especially in those very early days when my daughter was in those single digits. Intellectually I believed what the person was saying; I knew that they weren't lying or trying to placate me. But emotionally, I felt like I sometimes was failing Elisabeth. Because of that belief (even if it was occasional), I found it hard to believe that I was a good mom.  Here are a few examples of moments that made it hard for me to feel like a good mom:

1. I'd share a story of a recent baby challenge with one of my sisters or a friend and ask, “did _____ ever do anything like that?” and they'd answer “No.” Argh! "Is it just me?", I would wonder.
2. Elisabeth was growing so quickly and in so many different ways that reading her “cues”, following her lead or knowing how to best stimulate her learning felt impossible sometimes. And then I felt foolish or stupid.
3. Given the choice of a shower or breakfast, I always opted for the shower even though I knew that I should eat. 
4. My husband has a billion songs from childhood that he remembers very easily. Me? Not one. For months I didn't sing "you are my sunshine," (one of the only songs I know) because it felt too depressing. "What kind of mom isn't singing to her baby?" I'd think.
5. Elisabeth was ten months before I took her to story time at the library. But everyone seemed like they'd been going for years...judging by how well they knew the finger plays!

There's more of course. Society pushes women so much toward an impossible double standard that it can be hard to feel like a success at anything! But putting even that aside as much as I can, I've learned two things that have made me feel calmer and more confident about the kind of mom I am:

Elisabeth at seven months

1. Support from other moms is essential. I started going to Paula's new moms groups because I wanted the support and community around a new baby but quickly found I was running the group! That was wonderful but didn't answer my need for support. So, I started connecting to newer moms in my community through local list serves as well as reaching out to moms from my childbirth class. Those actions helped me feel less alone and also provided support and encouragement about my parenting. When one mom said she thought Elisabeth was "brave, open to new experiences," I felt like I had won the lottery! If she was seen as brave at seven months, I must be doing something right.
2. Time away from baby gives great perspective. I started working two afternoons a week when Elisabeth was five months. It was one of the best decisions that I've ever made. I was desperate for adult company, to have a little money coming in but didn't want to feel stressed by my work. Working part-time in retail fit the bill...along with being pretty and fun too! The time at work freed up my mind too. I started to imagine what kind of work I wanted to do and eventually started planning Outside The Mom Box. I came back to my family refreshed and energized with a new perspective on the parenting that I was doing and what I wanted to be more cognizant of in the future.

Today, I don't think much about whether or not I'm a good mom: I know I am. I may periodically miss signs that Elisabeth is giving me or waited a while to schedule her first dentist appointment (whoops!) but I'm less inclined to evaluate my parenting based on what I haven't done. 

Thanks as always for reading! If you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it by clicking the little "share" icon below, located just to the right of the heart. 

March's new mom group conversation

The second Saturday of the month is my support group for new moms and babies. Each session starts out with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes for Q&A, then close. Starting this month, my goal is to write a follow-up blog post featuring some of the highlights of our conversation. This month we discussed "developing a routine with a new baby". We talked challenges, the impact of our shifting identity (from "me" to "we") on a routine, the must-know's or need to accepts and some solutions.

We isolated the very clear challenges with developing a new routine. Those included: the basic issue of having to bring another human being along with you who can't support himself, stand by herself, feed or change himself. That's A LOT in and of itself!  We acknowledged that because "the answer changes all the time," it can be hard to plan time to do _____ or count on having dinner at 7:30 pm each night. The fact that there is such a substantial learning curve with having a new baby complicates every decision, let alone when we might have time to exercise, for example. An employer expects it to take a while for a new employee to learn the ropes of a new job. Moms don't get any such concession with a baby; they are thrust right into the thick of it! The bar is set very high with often little time and few resources or support.

Routines, we acknowledged, are safe. They are safe because we know what we can expect and count on. So when we don't have a routine, life can feel unpredictable and scary. So they are important, We talked about how developing a new routine was essential. Wearing our new "mom" hat instead of our old, familiar "(insert your name here)" hat would ground that new routine. Ideally with this "mom" hat on, we will start to accept realities like "it's not the end of the world if dinner doesn't happen at 7:30 each night." whereas before that might not have felt like an option. Wearing our "mom" hat will hopefully allow us to sink into that new identity and perhaps get used to asking for help more often, for example.

Some "need-to-know's" that we came up with were:

• Our time is just more limited. Even the smallest tasks will take much longer.
• "It" won't be like "this" forever but it will be for a while. So reframing can allow us to accept a different kind of meaning for "routine".
• We will never be able to get it all done. There will always be something to do.

A few solutions:

• Creating "anchor" tasks to help offset the frazzle.  Examples: shower every day, use a meal planning service (this one was recommended) , exercise certain days of the week not 5 days perhaps but maybe 2-3.
• Limit the number of "yeses" that we agree to. Some things are just not realistic any longer. And that's okay.  It's temporary and it's okay.
• Watch our use of "should". "Should" often carries obligation or guilt with it and we don't need any more of that!
• Be kinder to ourselves. Letting go of what people think or what "should" be happening.
• Find a community of support. Whether that is a group of moms like this one, new moms in your neighborhood or a LLL group, it's essential to be connected to other moms who are in a similar place.
• Ask for help more. People want to help. Whether that mean someone else lifting our baggage into an overhead bin as we settle into a plane with baby or "just" taking someone up on their offer to walk the dog, accepting help more often will take the pressure off us while making someone else feel good for doing good.  A win-win!
• Self-care.  Let's get more of that in there. Exercise, time away from baby, a massage perhaps! Make sure we are taking good care of ourselves.

I hope this summary is helpful for a new mom who may be interested in attending and as a refresher for those who did attend. Our April topic is: travel with baby.

Dear reader, what would you add?  Or is there something that you wished was discussed?  Leave a comment below.  

If you liked this post, would you click the heart below?  Thank you!  And if you really liked and want to hear more, I hope you will subscribe here or join us next month.

Need a little Luve?

NewMama Luve that is.  

When you're finally home, you'll start to get into a routine.  It may be the least routine routine you've ever had but it'll be one.  And routine is important because right about this time is when you'll start to realize exactly what you've gotten yourself into.  Whether that realization comes when you admit aloud for the first time that you're afraid to leave the house or when it occurs to you that the baby hasn't been bathed since she was at the hospital doesn't really matter.  What does matter is that you admit it.

As someone who is a big believer in supporting others and asking for support when I need it, I happen to think that talking to others matters.  I often wished that I had someone non-judgmental to listen to me process exactly how crazy and lost I was feeling in my early days in the fourth trimester.  My sisters were there and a few other folks too but I wanted someone different.  Someone who had been there before, yes definitely, but also someone who could sit with me in the chaos for a bit. 

Lollipop included. (Really.)

Enter (18+ months later!) NewMama Luve- short, short term counseling intended for women within the first year post-partum. It's what I wanted and couldn't find. A few talk sessions with someone who has been there before.  Someone who won't think you're crazy.  Someone who can give you a reality check.  Someone who can offer excellent listening skills and loving support.  Someone like me.  

So, when you're ready to give yourself a break to process everything that's gone on for the past ___ months, call me.  We can set up a time to talk in person or via Skype.  Give yourself a little Luve.