Policing #Womens #Bodies: The #Pregnancy Version

Note: I wrote the following post in January 2013 but in light of Tennesse's decision to subject pregnant women to criminal charges should they use drugs when pregnant, it felt worth a re-visit. I've updated and amended the original.

Pregnancy used to be "just" a spectator sport in this country. We are fascinated by and fixated on pregnant women. We scan magazine spreads for famous actresses’ bumps and speculate "boy or girl?" Strangers ask us what we’re having, as if somehow connected to the reproductive process. People we meet for the first time reach out to touch our private body with a gesture that has–through this public feeding frenzy that is a woman’s pregnancy–somehow become permissible. (Ask yourself at what other time it is considered "okay" for someone to reach out and touch your stomach!) It’s a strange world we live in. But what has been formerly just annoying has recently taken on an even more dangerous tone with the criminalization of women's bodies should they do something "problematic" when pregnant. And that's a problem.

Parallel to this very public watch of pregnancy has grown an equally intrusive and even more concerning focus on the fetus. Yes, the fetus. Not yet a child and already we are seeing a preoccupation with its rights over those of the pregnant woman. Earlier this week, Tennessee became the first state in the country to move toward pressing criminal charges against a pregnant woman if she uses drugs. And there are so many more examples including:

Perhaps many of us also remember the case of Bei-Bei Shuai, who out of desperation, wondering how she would survive after her partner left her, attempted suicide.  Shuai, pregnant at the time, was charged with attempted feticide and murder in spite of her insistence that she had no desire to hurt the baby. I think it’s worth nothing that in many recent cases, the women in question are women of color. An article published in Mother Jones published just last year found similar examples with the majority of the cases involving women of color and lower income women.

The problem with policing (masquerading as “protecting”) of the fetus is two-fold:

  1. Women are told in no uncertain terms that they aren't as important as their baby. That's scary. In my mind being charged with a crime related to fetus endangerment reminds me of A Handmaid’s Tale, the fictitious novel by Margaret Atwood where certain women are important only as vessels for new life, with no real rights of their own and completely disposable should they not get pregnant.  
  2. Women of color and poor women are more likely be discriminated against than white women. They are more likely to be arrested and more likely for that DUI arrest, for example, to not be covered by media as the outrage that it is. As a white middle class woman, if I were charged with a DUI for child endangerment when I was pregnant, I would hire a lawyer to fight it. I have the time and resources to do so. Many do not. 

No one is saying that it's not a problem for a pregnant woman to do drugs. But as usual, our society looks to condemn first and ask questions later. The questions in these case should be related to circumstance and support. If you're a pregnant 16 year old doing cocaine, pregnancy is likely only the most recent of many challenges you've had in your short life. Think domestic violence, sexual assault, poverty, a lack of education and good healthcare, high stress, etc...all in a state like Mississippi which ranks 51st in the country on women's health issues. (North Carolina, by comparison ranks 36th.)

 Unchecked, this policing of women’s bodies will continue. What this means is that those of us who do have greater privilege must speak out, loudly and often. The surveillance will extend beyond women of color and lower income women to others like me (and perhaps you) as well. We are all in this together. We need to speak up on behalf of others not because we might be targeted next but (although we might) but because it’s the right thing to do.

Ourselves, our children

How many photos do you have of your baby/babies by now? Hundreds? I snapped photos all the time in the early days. How many was I in with Elisabeth in the first six months? Not many. Then I read an article by a mom who talked about her decision to start including herself in pictures with her children. The author prefaced the choice by saying that she’d gained weight, wasn’t exercising regularly and felt pretty shlumpy in general.  In spite of all of "this", however, she decide it was less important to feel that she looked perfect and more important to be IN the picture, with her children. So I started including me in those photos, when I hadn't before. Here's why I did and why you might want to do so, too, if you aren't already:

  1. Your child's history includes you. No great revelation here but just as you document your baby's story, so should you get yourself in there too. You are part of that story...at least when she’s small anyway. That story, too, becomes a great tool for dialogue with your growing baby. He will soon LOVE seeing and identifying all the people in the photo, likely taking great delight in saying his name AND yours.

  2. Cameras no longer require immaculate grooming. There is likely a camera in your phone which you use, if you're like most of us, more often than your "nice" camera. The camera is not something that comes out when we both look perfectly coiffed. I want Elisabeth to see pictures of us together when I look fabulous, tired, wet, dry, in glasses and everything in between. That's real and she knows it.

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Maybe you can already see how fast time is flying. Hold tight onto some part of it by taking a picture with both of you/all of you in it.

Does it feel important to you to be in photos you take of your kids? If so, why? If not, why not? Thank you for reading. 

March's new mom group conversation

The second Saturday of the month is my support group for new moms and babies. Each session starts out with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes for Q&A, then close. Starting this month, my goal is to write a follow-up blog post featuring some of the highlights of our conversation. This month we discussed "developing a routine with a new baby". We talked challenges, the impact of our shifting identity (from "me" to "we") on a routine, the must-know's or need to accepts and some solutions.

We isolated the very clear challenges with developing a new routine. Those included: the basic issue of having to bring another human being along with you who can't support himself, stand by herself, feed or change himself. That's A LOT in and of itself!  We acknowledged that because "the answer changes all the time," it can be hard to plan time to do _____ or count on having dinner at 7:30 pm each night. The fact that there is such a substantial learning curve with having a new baby complicates every decision, let alone when we might have time to exercise, for example. An employer expects it to take a while for a new employee to learn the ropes of a new job. Moms don't get any such concession with a baby; they are thrust right into the thick of it! The bar is set very high with often little time and few resources or support.

Routines, we acknowledged, are safe. They are safe because we know what we can expect and count on. So when we don't have a routine, life can feel unpredictable and scary. So they are important, We talked about how developing a new routine was essential. Wearing our new "mom" hat instead of our old, familiar "(insert your name here)" hat would ground that new routine. Ideally with this "mom" hat on, we will start to accept realities like "it's not the end of the world if dinner doesn't happen at 7:30 each night." whereas before that might not have felt like an option. Wearing our "mom" hat will hopefully allow us to sink into that new identity and perhaps get used to asking for help more often, for example.

Some "need-to-know's" that we came up with were:

  • Our time is just more limited. Even the smallest tasks will take much longer.
  • "It" won't be like "this" forever but it will be for a while. So reframing can allow us to accept a different kind of meaning for "routine".
  • We will never be able to get it all done. There will always be something to do.

A few solutions:

  • Creating "anchor" tasks to help offset the frazzle.  Examples: shower every day, use a meal planning service (this one was recommended) , exercise certain days of the week not 5 days perhaps but maybe 2-3.
  • Limit the number of "yeses" that we agree to. Some things are just not realistic any longer. And that's okay.  It's temporary and it's okay.
  • Watch our use of "should". "Should" often carries obligation or guilt with it and we don't need any more of that!
  • Be kinder to ourselves. Letting go of what people think or what "should" be happening.
  • Find a community of support. Whether that is a group of moms like this one, new moms in your neighborhood or a LLL group, it's essential to be connected to other moms who are in a similar place.
  • Ask for help more. People want to help. Whether that mean someone else lifting our baggage into an overhead bin as we settle into a plane with baby or "just" taking someone up on their offer to walk the dog, accepting help more often will take the pressure off us while making someone else feel good for doing good.  A win-win!
  • Self-care.  Let's get more of that in there. Exercise, time away from baby, a massage perhaps! Make sure we are taking good care of ourselves.

I hope this summary is helpful for a new mom who may be interested in attending and as a refresher for those who did attend. Our April topic is: travel with baby.

Dear reader, what would you add?  Or is there something that you wished was discussed?  Leave a comment below.  

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Book Review: Maxed Out: American Moms on the Brink

Writer, mom, consultant Katrina Alcorn wrote _Maxed Out_ after her own struggles with trying to do it all and be it all led her to personal maxing out.  I really appreciated this book on many levels but not least of which is Alcorn's raw honesty about her struggles, her insecurities, her risks and her many failures.  It seems to me that we don't hear enough about the nitty gritty that each of us moms face on a daily basis and --really important here- that we aren't to blame.  Alcorn fills that gap with this much needed book.

In each chapter, Alcorn niftily intertwines her own story with related hard facts.  For example, in the chapter about her maternity leave from her former company, she concludes her story with the American reality of the challenge that she faced.  In this case, a lack of paid family leave.  She uses hard, current facts that are clearly and persuasively stated to make her case.  Over and over, Alcorn makes the case that moms aren't simply coming up short because of their own failings but because society at large has failed us.  And that's the most important, timeliest message that all moms need to internalize.  Right now. We aren't doing anything wrong.  We are doing the best that we can in a society that appears to value mothering but really when the rubber meets the road does next to nothing to support the mothers who do that mothering. 

It has always been important to me to help women support other women.  I offer free groups to new and expecting moms as one way to do this and I also volunteer locally in a different capacity.  Alcorn delivers here too. After "practice saying no" In the afterward, #2 is "Be An Ally To Other Woman".  #2 is just one more way to underscore the message of her book.  I think this is a crucial connection.  Yes, we all want paid leave (I think many people can agree on that) but less agreed upon is the need to band together, for women especially, to make these changes a reality.  That banding together involves supporting other women whose choices may not be your own i.e the decision to have a child or the decision not to have a child, for example.  A  conversation that should be focusing on how we can improve things for all of us becomes the sexy "Mommy Wars" crap instead.  Let's place the blame, not on ourselves or each other, but on the society that we live in for failing women and families at every turn.

One of my favorite parts of _Maxed Out_was the afterword.  Alcorn gives the reader ten tips that she can do right now.  So many of these grim look-at-the-desperate-state-of-the-world-we-live-in books don't offer any hope or ideas at the end for improvement.  Alcorn does.  Some of her tips take a bit more gumption than others ('practice saying no' and 'tell your partner what you need') but they are all smart, do-able and important for each mom to practice for a bit more sanity.  Alcorn also mentions Moms Rising, an advocacy organization that works on both grass roots and national levels to support moms.  Speaking of women supporting women! Alcorn encourages readers to sign up for Moms Rising and mentions that she is donating 10% of the proceeds of her book to the organization.  Wow, way to put your money with your mouth is.  

As I finished the book, I couldn't help think of Sheryl Sandberg and her take on what women need to get ahead.  _Lean In_ gets so many accolades for Sandberg's false message of the key to success being women working harder and smarter. Alcorn on the other hand places the blame squarely on the shoulders of the real problem: the society we live in, not our lack of hard work or personal dedication.  Mothers everywhere have those qualities in spades.  Alcorn does and so does Sandberg of course. What we don't have are systems that support families.  Women like Sandberg, however, are not only privileged enough to be able to buy the support that they need to raise a family: a nanny, housecleaner, personal assistants, daycare, etc. but are also more educated, higher up the corporate latter, etc. In short, they are very very fortunate. Women like Alcorn and I and perhaps you too, dear reader, cannot buy every success.  Not should we have to.

If you are a new mom or a soon-to-be mom, likely you will feel stuck in this place of no-win many, many times. I hope not of course.  But if you are, consider picking up _Maxed Out_ for a much needed reality check.  It's worth your time and your precious sanity too.

Outside The Mom Box rating: 5 stars out of 5

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