{new post} How a bathroom can be a vessel for voice

I've wrote before about life's invisible work, those acts of mothering that are unremarkable, everyday. We do them all day long and don't think too much about them. Nothing super important...unless you count the care and attention to your baby's thriving and good health as important. ;-) I was reminded of another example of life's invisible work recently: the search for a changing table when you have a baby.

I visited Northgate Mall in Durham yesterday in search of a watch battery. While the kind people at Shama Jewelry were changing the battery, I headed to the bathroom. I found them closeby, near the food court. There were two, both labeled "family restroom" and while I didn't have Elisabeth with me, there was no one waiting so it didn't feel like a big deal. The only real difference is that those restrooms have changing tables. Well, they're supposed to. 

We've all been here, right? You have to pee but you also know your baby needs to be changed. Finally, a sign that says "yes, both can happen here," and then you open the door.

Yes, you're right: that's large empty space is where the changing table should be.

I didn't have a wet or stinky baby with me but I was still angry! How in the world is this okay? 

Moms have enough to deal with.

Even if this "removal" just happened, it should be dealt with in a more compassionate way. How about a notice on the door as a heads-up? How about a sign or apology where the changing table was, explaining what had happened? Something, anything, other...than just an angry cloud of frustration and disappointment.

What's that saying? You're not paranoid; everyone is out to get you. Haha. Though between the stress of traveling with breastmilk or a pump and the "little" things not being able to count on even a changing table in a "family" restroom, it does feel like moms are sometimes treated like second class citizens in our world. We are generally the ones keeping the future leaders of the world safe, productive and happy, aren't we? Seems like moms could at least merit a sign on a door.

I'll call Northgate. And maybe this will be fixed. Sometimes, though, it's less about the end result and more about using our voice. Because moms do merit a sign on the door. But if we don't speak up about that, even though it's obvious, it's unlikely ever to change. Sure, your boss may just decide to give you a raise but you're more likely to get one if you make the case for one and actually ask for one. If this feels uncomfortable, you're not alone. It's hard to ask for what we deserve. (Although it's often easier if we ask on behalf of our child or someone else). But a public bathroom is as good a vessel as any for turning on that public voice that deserves to be heard and heeded. Your voice matters.

Stay tuned. Thanks for reading.

PS. If this article resonates with you, I hope you'll share it!  And if you're a mom of a toddler, I invite you to join my Toddler Group starting in December. Voice, identity and self-care will all be themes of that 3 month group.

{new post} October #newmoms group: #selfcare

I've been on a bit of a self-care kick over the past month. The second Saturday of each month is the free Outside The Mom Box support group for new moms. Each session starts with introductions and then goes in our main topic. We leave about 30 minutes for Q&A, then close. For October, I decided to spend some time on self-care.  Here are a few noteworthy snippets from that conversation:

Unsurprisingly, self-care looks different to each of us...and feels very different for moms of a 6 week old than it does for a mom of a 7 month old or a toddler who is almost 2.5. So self-care looks different and it should..for each of us. I define self-care as the act of doing good for ourselves. Self-care really is acts of love for our Authentic Self, the highest version of ourselves that we can be. Not better than anyone else highest but the best we can be.

The good and bad news here is that it's not complicated to add in more self-care to our life: we just need to make it a priority. One way that we do this is by setting better boundaries. Setting better boundaries often involves saying "no" to things. Saying "no" is powerful in its ability to do good but it can be scary. Let's focus on the good. Here are 3 reasons why we need to get better at saying "no":

1. ...it frees someone else up to say "yes"! As in "yes, how generous of you."
2. ...lessens your anxiety and stress. Almost immediately, actually, which is super cool.
3. ...gives you more energy. And who doesn't need more of this?
4. ...opens up space for more self-care! 

So saying "no" is a good thing on many important levels. So how else do we make self-care a priority?

Ask for and take help that's offered.

I talked about this in last week's blog post here so check that to refresh on why it's crucial we accept, at absolute minimum, the help that is offered.

What about guilt?

Ah, yes, the guilt. We talked about this of course! Guilt: every mom's middle name...or so it seems sometimes. We all feel badly about taking time for ourselves, spending the money, foisting our child/children on a tired partner, etc. I do, you do. Here's something that I learned about the frequent guilt behind self-care: the more you do it, the better you feel and the better you feel, the less guilt you have. So go to the gym. Schedule that massage. Take time away with your friends for the evening. Plan a dinner date with your partner. Accept the coworker's offer to watch your kids and....go watch a movie/get your nails done/go grocery shopping (alone!)/run the errands that are so challenging with kids in tow.

We closed Saturday's group with a few examples of some free self-care: stay hydrated, eat smarter, get outside, keep "better" company, get more sleep.

What self-care do you engage in for yourself? How do you make it happen? Leave a comment.

For Durham area new moms, our next gathering is November 8, 2-4 pm. Once again, we will be at my office at 1200 Broad Street, Suite 104, in Durham. I'm happy that we will have Aimee Vandemark with us to talk "postpartum moods" with us. Aimee is a mom and psychotherapist in private practice in Hillsborough. Learn more about Aimee here. 

{new post} Visiting the library

When I saw this graphic last week, I was horrified...and inspired. I've always been a big reader and continue to spend copious amounts of time at the local library, bookstore or on Amazon seeking out books with and for Elisabeth. Reading is the kind of adventure that can (and should) start early. And what easier way to get going than to head to your local library?

Our local libraries are wonderful places to find new books, yes, but also to take in developmentally appropriate programs for our babies. Elisabeth and I attended Baby Lapsit story time on Wednesday mornings with Miss Amy at the Southwest branch of Durham County Library from about 7 months to almost 2 years. We've only recently stopped going because she wants to be outside. Lapsit story time for babies and toddlers includes finger plays, songs ("Itsy Bitsy Spider", anyone?), one real story and plenty of free playtime. It's really a lot of fun. Library programs are always free and a great way to connect with other new moms.

After your library program is over, head over early and check out a few books before the program begins. There are "regular" kids books but also stacks of board books that may be worn around the edges but are still a great way to add a little variety into your reading routine. Young babies love contrasty colors and simple images so look for some fun black and white board books that will captivate them. Older babies will enjoy the singsongy sentences in even something like _Little Blue Truck_, _Tumble Bumble_ or _Roadwork_. They don't need to "get" the whole story line. Early exposure to language is essential for their future learning and language skills, as this recent NPR piece points out.

As your baby gets older,  let him or her take the lead on the library adventures: returning the books in the dropbox slot, "helping" check the books out, choosing a spot to sit for story time, etc. Of course this also includes them choosing their own books. It's always fun to plop that older baby or toddler down in the book area and watch what they pull off the shelf!

Ever said to yourself, "That book sounds interesting, I'll have to check that out" and then forget to order the book or decide you didn't want to spend the money? I sure do! Your local library can also locate books that they don't own. Inter-library loans are useful for adult books but they also "work" for kids books too. I often "test" books via interlibrary loan before I buy them so I can make sure that I definitely want to spend the money.

So head to the library this week and let me know how it goes. Leave your thoughts on this or pretty much anything below. And thank you for reading.

Life's Invisible Work

Even new moms understand pretty quickly that much of the work that they do for their child/children is often unnoticed. I've come to believe that mothering is often an invisible existence composed of simple, unremarkable actions that usually occur behind closed doors. Some of those acts are intentionally unobtrusive but most, I think, are not.  I call these acts of uncommon mothering "life's invisible work" or #lifesinvisiblework. 

{wiping...noses, bottoms, grubby hands. emptying the diaper pail. singing a song that will distract. ordering diapers, wipes, putting it all away. filling a bath.}

Sometimes the work of mothering isn't invisible...those times when we are actively engaged with our child: pushing him on the swing, mom/baby yoga, whooshing her around in the pool. But inevitably these kinds of opportunities shrink as our babies grow up. And so the bulk of our mothering work really is unseen. Does that matter?

Yes, it does matter. And the invisible work of mothering matters as a feminist issue because a) mothering is done primarily by women and b) because invisible work of any kind is usually ignored, marginalized or minimized...not to mention low paid.

{buying, trying, donating formula. breastfeeding. pumping. preparing bottles. talking to lactation consultants. pumping. buying new bras.}

bell hooks tells us that feminism "is a movement to end sexism, sexist exploitation and oppression." The work of mothering is easy to ignore, explore and oppress because it is so invisible. But if we allow this then we ignore the voices of many women, 4 out of 5 of whom will have children in their lifetime. And their voices are as important as who benefits from their invisible work: children and families. Mothering must not go unnoticed even if the work is often invisible.

{managing multiple schedules. reading labels. interviewing babysitters, nannies, daycares, schools. packing backpacks, diaper bags, snacks. car seat research. laundry.}

So, here's what we do: we make the unseen, seen again. We do that by writing, talking, Tweeting about the mothering work that we are doing. By sharing the everyday, unremarkable moments that make up the hours of our lives. And let's make it even more visible by using the hashtag: #lifesinvisiblework. Start in the way that feels most comfortable to you, perhaps on Outside The Mom Box Facebook page or on your own wall. Then dare to put it out there to others in different circles of your life.  Support those who do. See what happens.

What work do you do as a mother that is invisible? Leave a comment below.